The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (537 page)

Another room in LEONATO'S house.

[Enter DON JOHN and BORACHIO.]

DON JOHN

It is so; the Count Claudio shall marry the daughter of Leonato.

BORACHIO

Yea, my lord; but I can cross it.

Yes, my lord; but I can prevent it.

DON JOHN

Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be medicinable to me: I am sick in displeasure to him, and whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?

Any obstacle, any prevention, any impediment will be like medicine to me: I am sick with displeasure with him, and anything that can stop his affection will have
my
affection. How can you prevent this marriage?

BORACHIO

Not honestly, my lord; but so covertly that no dishonesty shall appear in me.

Not honestly, my lord; but so covertly that I will not appear to be dishonest.

DON JOHN

Show me briefly how.

Explain briefly.

BORACHIO

I think I told your lordship, a year since, how much I am in the favour of Margaret, the waiting-gentlewoman to Hero.

I think I told your lordship a year ago how much I am beloved by Margaret, Hero’s lady-in-waiting.

DON JOHN

I remember.

BORACHIO

I can, at any unseasonable instant of the night, appoint her to look out at her lady's chamber window.

I can, at any time of the night, ask her to look out at her lady’s chamber window.

DON JOHN

What life is in that, to be the death of this marriage?

What good is that in the destruction of this marriage?

BORACHIO

The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go you to the prince your brother; spare not to tell him, that he hath wronged his honour in marrying the renowned Claudio,--whose estimation do you mightily hold up,--to a contaminated stale, such a one as Hero.

Poisoning it is up to you. Go to the prince your brother; acting as if you are making a confession, that he has wronged his honor in marrying the renowned Claudio – whom you highly respect – to a contaminated slut like Hero.

DON JOHN

What proof shall I make of that?

How can I prove it?

BORACHIO

Proof enough to misuse the prince, to vex Claudio, to undo Hero, and kill Leonato. Look you for any other issue?

You will have enough proof to upset the prince, distress Claudio, destroy Hero, and be the death of Leonato. Is there anything else you want?

DON JOHN

Only to despite them, I will endeavour anything.

Just to cause them trouble, I will try anything.

BORACHIO

Go then; find me a meet hour to draw Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you know that Hero loves me; intend a kind of zeal both to the prince and Claudio, as--in love of your brother's honour, who hath made this match, and his friend's reputation, who is thus like to be cozened with the semblance of a maid,--that you have discovered thus. They will scarcely believe this without trial: offer them instances, which shall bear no less likelihood than to see me at her chamber-window, hear me call Margaret Hero, hear Margaret term me Claudio; and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding: for in the meantime I will so fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent; and there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero's disloyalty, that jealousy shall be called assurance, and all the preparation overthrown.

Go then; find me a good time to get Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you know Hero loves me; pretend to be devoted to both the prince and Claudio, as – in love of your brother’s honor, who has made this match, and his friend’s reputation, who is likely to be tricked into marrying an impure woman – that you have discovered this. They will not believe it without evidence: offer them this proof, where they see me at her chamber-window, hear me call Margaret “Hero”, hear Margaret call me “Claudio”; and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding: I will make sure Hero is absent; and there will appear such a seeming truth of Hero’s disloyalty that jealousy will find confirmation, and all the preparation will be overthrown.

DON JOHN

Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will put it in practice. Be cunning in the working this, and thy fee is a thousand ducats.

Make this happen; I will put it into practice. Be cunning in bringing this about and I will pay you a thousand ducats.

BORACHIO

Be you constant in the accusation, and my cunning shall not shame me.

As long as you are consistent in the accusation my cunning will not fail me.

DON JOHN

I will presently go learn their day of marriage.

I will now go learn their day of marriage.

[Exeunt.]

LEONATO'S Garden.

[Enter Benedick.]

BENEDICK

Boy!

[Enter a Boy.]

BOY

Signior?

BENEDICK

In my chamber-window lies a book; bring it hither to me in the orchard.

In my chamber-window there is a book; bring it here to me in the orchard.

BOY

I am here already, sir.

BENEDICK

I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again. [Exit Boy.] I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviours to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by falling in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known, when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabor and the pipe: I have known when he would have walked ten mile afoot to see a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake, carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted, and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster; but I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise, or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her; fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince and Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour. [Withdraws.]

I know that; but I would have you go there, and come back again. [Exit Boy.] I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates himself to love, will, after he has laughed at such silliness in others, becomes the very thing he scorns by falling in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known him when there was no music in him but the drum and the fife; and now he would rather hear the tabor and the flute: I have known him when he would have walked ten miles on food to see a good set of armor; and now he will lie awake for ten nights, cutting a nice new suit. He preferred to speak plainly and straight to the point, like an honest man and a soldier; now he uses flowery words, like a fantastical banquet with so many strange dishes. Will I be changed like that, and see with those eyes? I cannot tell; I do not think so: I will not swear that love will not transform me into an oyster; but I’ll take an oath that, till love makes an oyster of me, he will never make me such a fool. One woman is beautiful, yet I am unaffected; another is wise, yet I am unaffected; another virtuous, yet I am unaffected; but until all these good qualities are in one woman, not one woman will be high enough quality for me. Rich she shall be, that’s certain; wise, or I’ll have nothing to do with her; virtuous, or I’ll never tough her; beautiful, or I’ll never look at her; mild, or I won’t let her near me; noble, or she would be out of the question; a good conversationalist, an excellent musician, and her hair can be whatever color pleases God. Hah! The prince and Mister Love! I will hide myself in the tree. [Withdraws.]  

[Enter DON PEDRO, LEONATO, and CLAUDIO, followed by BALTHAZAR and Musicians.]

DON PEDRO

Come, shall we hear this music?

CLAUDIO

Yea, my good lord.

Yes, my good lord.

How still the evening is,

How quiet the evening is,

As hush'd on purpose to grace harmony!

As if hushed on purpose for harmony!

DON PEDRO

See you where Benedick hath hid himself?

Do you see where Benedick has hidden himself?

CLAUDIO

O! very well, my lord: the music ended,

Oh, very well, my lord: once the music ends,

We'll fit the kid-fox with a penny-worth.

We’ll set a trap for the young fox.

DON PEDRO

Come, Balthazar, we'll hear that song again.

BALTHAZAR

O! good my lord, tax not so bad a voice

Oh! My good lord, please to not trouble such a bad voice

To slander music any more than once.

To ruin music any more than once.

DON PEDRO

It is the witness still of excellency,

It is a sign of excellence

To put a strange face on his own perfection.

To be unable to see its own perfection.

I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.

Please, sing, and let me woo no more.

BALTHAZAR

Because you talk of wooing, I will sing;

Since many a wooer doth commence his suit

Since many a wooer begins his courtship

To her he thinks not worthy; yet he wooes;

To her he thinks unworthy; yet he woos;

Yet will he swear he loves.

Yet he will swear he loves.

DON PEDRO

Nay, pray thee come;

No, please, sing;

Or if thou wilt hold longer argument,

Or if you will argue any longer,

Do it in notes.

Do it in song.

BALTHAZAR

Note this before my notes;

There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.

DON PEDRO

Why these are very crotchets that he speaks;

Why, this is meaningless talking;

Notes, notes, forsooth, and nothing!

Notes, notes, indeed, and nothing!

[Music.]

BENEDICK

Now, divine air! now is his soul ravished! Is it not strange that sheep's guts should hale souls out of men's bodies? Well, a horn for my money, when all's done.

Now, divine music! Now his soul is overcome! Isn’t it strange that sheep’s guts should bring joy and draw the souls out of men’s bodies? Well, a horn for me money, when all’s done.

[Balthazar sings.] Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,

Men were deceivers ever;

Men have always been liars;

One foot in sea, and one on shore,

To one thing constant never.

Never faithful to one thing.

Then sigh not so,

Then do not sigh that way,

But let them go,

And be you blithe and bonny,

And be happy and pretty,

Converting all your sounds of woe

Turning all your sad sounds

Into, ‘Hey nonny, nonny.’

Into glad cheers.

Sing no more ditties, sing no more

Sing no more sad songs, sing no more