The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (531 page)

He stayed here for a while in Messina and challenged Cupid at the escape; and my uncle's jester, reading the challenge, took Cupid's side, and challenged him in bird hunting. Please tell me, how many has he killed and eaten in these wars? But how many has he killed? for, indeed, I promised to eat all the birds he killed. 

LEONATO

Faith, niece, you tax Signior Benedick too much; but he'll be meet with you, I doubt it not.

My goodness, niece, you ask too much of Sir Benedick; but he'll be fair with you, I have no doubt.

MESSENGER

He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.

He has served us well, lady, in these wars.

BEATRICE

You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it; he is a very valiant trencher-man; he hath an excellent stomach.

You had a lot of food, and he hopes to eat it; he is a big eater; he has an excellent stomach.

MESSENGER

And a good soldier too, lady.

And he is a good soldier too, lady.

BEATRICE

And a good soldier to a lady; but what is he to a lord?

He may be a good soldier to a lady; but what is he to a lord?

MESSENGER

A lord to a lord, a man to a man; stuffed with all honourable virtues.

He is a lord to a lord, a man to a man; stuffed with all honorable virtues.

BEATRICE

It is so indeed; he is no less than a stuffed man; but for the stuffing,--well, we are all mortal.

That is true; he is no less than a stuffed man; but as for the stuffing - well, we are all human.

LEONATO

You must not, sir, mistake my niece. There is a kind of merry war betwixt Signior Benedick and her; they never meet but there's a skirmish of wit between them.

Sir, you must not misunderstand my niece. There is a kind of friendly rivalry between Sir Benedick and her; they never meet without a battle of cleverness between them.

BEATRICE

Alas! he gets nothing by that. In our last conflict four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one! so that if he have wit enough to keep himself warm, let him bear it for a difference between himself and his horse; for it is all the wealth that he hath left to be known a reasonable creature. Who is his companion now? He hath every month a new sworn brother.

Unfortunately, he gets nothing out of it. In our last conflict four of his five senses left him, and now the whole man only has one! So if he has enough intelligence left to keep himself warm, let him keep it in order to make a difference between himself and his horse; for it is all the wealth he has left to be known as a creature of reason. Who is his companion now? Every month he has a new best friend.

MESSENGER

Is't possible?

Is it possible?

BEATRICE

Very easily possible: he wears his faith but as the fashion of his hat; it ever changes with the next block.

Very easily possible: he wears his loyalty like he wears his hat a certain way; it constantly changes with the next period of time.

MESSENGER

I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.

I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your good books.

BEATRICE

No;an he were, I would burn my study. But, I pray you, who is his companion? Is there no young squarer now that will make a voyage with him to the devil?

No; if he were, I would burn my library. But, please tell me, who is is companion? Is there no young squire now that will travel with him to the devil?

MESSENGER

He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.

He is most often in the company of the noble Claudio.

BEATRICE

O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease: he is sooner caught than the pestilence, and the taker runs presently mad. God help the noble Claudio! If he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pound ere a' be cured.

Oh Lord, he will hang around him like a disease: he is more easily caught than an infection, and the infected soon becomes insane. God help the noble Claudio! If he has caught the Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pounds [of money] before he is cured.

MESSENGER

I will hold friends with you, lady.

I will agree to disagree with you, lady.

BEATRICE

Do, good friend.

Do, my good friend.

LEONATO

You will never run mad, niece.

You will never be that fond of Benedick, niece.

BEATRICE

No, not till a hot January.

No, not until there is a hot January.

MESSENGER

Don Pedro is approached.

Don Pedro is here.

[Enter DON PEDRO, DON JOHN, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, BALTHAZAR, and Others.]

DON PEDRO

Good Signior Leonato, you are come to meet your trouble: the fashion of the world is to avoid cost, and you encounter it.

Good Sir Leonato, you have come to meet your trouble: the world prefers to avoid cost, and you encounter it.

LEONATO

Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of your Grace, for trouble being gone, comfort should remain; but when you depart from me, sorrow abides and happiness takes his leave.

Trouble never came to my house looking like your Grace, for once trouble goes, comfort should remain; but when you leave me, sorrow stays and happiness goes away.

DON PEDRO

You embrace your charge too willingly. I think this is your daughter.

You are too kind. I think this is your daughter.

LEONATO

Her mother hath many times told me so.

Her mother has told me so many times.

BENEDICK

Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?

Did you ask her because you were in doubt, sir?

LEONATO

Signior Benedick, no; for then were you a child.

No, Sir Benedick; for at the time you were a child.

DON PEDRO

You have it full, Benedick: we may guess by this what you are, being a man. Truly the lady fathers herself. Be happy, lady, for you are like an honourable father.

You have the whole story, Benedick: we may guess by this what you are, being a man. Truly the lady looks enough like her father for people to tell. Be happy, lady, for you resemble an honorable father.

BENEDICK

If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not have his head on her shoulders for all Messina, as like him as she is.

If Sir Leonato is her father, she would not have his head on her shoulders in exchange for all Messina, no matter how much she is like him.

BEATRICE

I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.

I am amazed that you are still talking, Sir Benedick: nobody is listening to you.

BENEDICK

What! my dear Lady Disdain, are you yet living?

What! my dear Lady Disapproval, are you still alive?

BEATRICE

Is it possible Disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick? Courtesy itself must convert to disdain if you come in her presence.

Is it possible Disapproval could die while she had such appropriate food to feed it as Sir Benedick? Politeness itself must turn to disapproval if you come in her presence.

BENEDICK

Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted; and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart;for, truly, I love none.

Then politeness is a traitor. But it is certain that all the ladies love me, except for you; and I wish I could find it in myself to not be hard-hearted; for, truly, I love none.

BEATRICE

A dear happiness to women: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that. I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.

That is very good for women: otherwise they would have been troubled by a terrible suitor. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your temperament for that. I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.

BENEDICK

God keep your ladyship still in that mind;so some gentleman or other shallscape a predestinate scratched face.

May God keep your ladyship from changing your mind; so some gentleman or other shall escape a scratched face that would otherwise be his destiny.

BEATRICE

Scratching could not make it worse, an 'twere such a face as yours were.

Scratching could not make it worse, if it was a face like yours.

BENEDICK

Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.

Well, you are an unusually good parrot-teacher.

BEATRICE

A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.

A bird with my tongue would be better than a beast with yours.

BENEDICK

I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and so good a continuer. But keep your way, i' God's name; I have done.

I wish my horse was as fast as your tongue, and had the same amound of endurance. But have it your way, in God's name; I am done.

BEATRICE

You always end with a jade's trick: I know you of old.

You always end with a cheap trick: I've known you for a long time.

DON PEDRO

That is the sum of all, Leonato: Signior Claudio, and Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath invited you all. I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month, and he heartly prays some occasion may detain us longer: I dare swear he is no hypocrite, but prays from his heart.

To sum it up, Leonato: Sir Claudio, and Sir Benedick, my dear friend Leonato has invited you all. I tell him we shall stay at least a month, and he strongly hopes that for some reason we will stay longer. I believe he is no hypocrite, but genuinely means it.

LEONATO

If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn. [To DON JOHN] Let me bid you welcome, my lord: being reconciled to the prince your brother, I owe you all duty.

If you promise, my lord, you will not be forgotten. [To DON JOHN] Let me welcome you, my lord; as I accept being a subject of your brother the prince, I owe you my loyalty.

DON JOHN

I thank you: I am not of many words, but I thank you.

I thank you: I am not very talkative, but I thank you.

LEONATO

Please it your Grace lead on?

Would your Grace please lead us onward?

DON PEDRO

Your hand, Leonato; we will go together.

Give me your hand, Leonato; we will go together.

[Exeunt all but BENEDICK and CLAUDIO.]

[
Exit all but BENEDICK and CLAUDIO.]

CLAUDIO

Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?

Benedick, did you notice the daughter of Sir Leonato?

BENEDICK

I noted her not; but I looked on her.

I did not really notice her; but I did look at her.

CLAUDIO

Is she not a modest young lady?

Isn't she a proper, humble young lady?

BENEDICK

Do you question me, as an honest man should do, for my simple true judgment; or would you have me speak after my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex?

Are you asking me, as an honest man should do,  for my simple true judgment; or would you like me to speak like I usually do, as a claimed hater of the whole gender of women?

CLAUDIO

No; I pray thee speak in sober judgment.

No; please speak in calm and rational judgment.

BENEDICK

Why, i' faith, methinks she's too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise; only this commendation I can afford her, that were she other than she is, she were unhandsome, and being no other but as she is, I do not like her.

Why, by my faith, I think she is too short to be praised as tall, too dark to be praised as fair-skinned, and too little to be praised as large; I can only offer this praise, that if she were other than she is, she would not be attractive, and being nothing more than she is, I do not like her.