The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (411 page)

We need to take advantage of every minute.
BIRON Allons! allons! Sow'd cockle reap'd no corn;

Come on, come on! If you only plant weeds you’ll get no wheat;
And justice always whirls in equal measure:

And justice always divvies in equal portions:
Light wenches may prove plagues to men forsworn;

Frivolous girls may prove to be plagues to men that are forsworn;
If so, our copper buys no better treasure.

But beggars can’t be choosers.
Exeunt

Enter HOLOFERNES, SIR NATHANIEL, and DULL 

HOLOFERNES Satis quod sufficit.

Enough is as good as a feast.
SIR NATHANIEL I praise God for you, sir: your reasons at dinner

I thank God for you, sir: your discourses at dinner
have been sharp and sententious; pleasant without

Have been sharp and moral; pleasant without
scurrility, witty without affection, audacious without

Obscenity, witty without affection, fearless but with
impudency, learned without opinion, and strange with-

Respectfulness, educated without arrogance, and novel
out heresy. I did converse this quondam day with

without heresy. I did converse the other day with
a companion of the king's, who is intituled, nomi-

a companion of the king’s who is titled, named,
nated, or called, Don Adriano de Armado.

Or called Don Adriano de Armado.
HOLOFERNES Novi hominem tanquam te: his humour is lofty, his

I know the man as well as I know you: his attitude is lofty, his
discourse peremptory, his tongue filed, his eye

Conversation imperious, his tongue polished, his eye
ambitious, his gait majestical, and his general

Ambitious, his walk majestic, and his general
behavior vain, ridiculous, and thrasonical. He is

Behavior vain, ridiculous, and boastful. He is
too picked, too spruce, too affected, too odd, as it

Too fastidious, too neat, too artificial, too odd, as it
were, too peregrinate, as I may call it.

Were, too foreign, as I will call it.
SIR NATHANIEL A most singular and choice epithet.

A most remarkable and exquisite description.
Draws out his table-book

Takes out his notebook
HOLOFERNES He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer

He draws out the thread of his verbose words finer
than the staple of his argument. I abhor such

Than the staple of his argument. I hate such
fanatical phantasimes, such insociable and

Fanatical people who enterain fantastic notions, such unsociable and
point-devise companions; such rackers of

Extremely precise fellows; such ruiners of
orthography, as to speak dout, fine, when he should

Language, he says ‘dout,’ shortly, when he should
say doubt; det, when he should pronounce debt,--d,

Say ‘doubt’; ‘det,’ when he should pronounce ‘debt,” --d,
e, b, t, not d, e, t: he clepeth a calf, cauf;

E, b, t, not d, e, t: he calls a calf, ‘cauf’:
half, hauf; neighbour vocatur nebor; neigh

Half, ‘hauf’; neighbor is called ‘nebor’: neigh
abbreviated ne. This is abhominable,--which he

Is abbreviated to ‘ne.’ This is abhominable, --which he
would call abbominable: it insinuateth me of

Would call abominable: To me is sounds like
insanie: anne intelligis, domine? to make frantic, lunatic.

Insanity. Do you understand me master? To make frantic, lunatic.
SIR NATHANIEL Laus Deo, bene intelligo.

Praise be to God, I understand you well.

HOLOFERNES Bon, bon, fort bon, Priscian! a little scratch'd,

Bon, bon, it should be ‘bon’. Your latin is a little faulty
'twill serve.

But it will serve.
SIR NATHANIEL Videsne quis venit?

Do you see who is coming?
HOLOFERNES Video, et gaudeo.

I see, and I rejoice.
Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO, MOTH, and COSTARDDON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Chirrah!

Chirrah!
To MOTHHOLOFERNES Quare chirrah, not sirrah?

Why chirrah, and not sirrah?

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Men of peace, well encountered.

Men of peace, good to see you.
HOLOFERNES Most military sir, salutation.

Most military, sir, greetings.
MOTH [Aside to COSTARD] They have been at a great feast

[Aside to COSTARD] They just got back from a huge feast
of languages, and stolen the scraps.

Of languages and have brought back the stolen scraps.
COSTARD O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words.

O they have lives for a long time on the alms-basket of words.
I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word;

It’s a wonder that your master has not eaten you as a word:
for thou art not so long by the head as

Since you’re not nearly as long as the word
honorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier

honorificabilitudinitatibus: and you’re easier
swallowed than a flap-dragon.
To swallow than a raisin.

MOTH Peace! the peal begins.

Quiet! The clatter of tongues begins.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO [To HOLOFERNES] Monsieur, are you not lettered?

[To HOLOFERNES] Sir, are you not educated?
MOTH Yes, yes; he teaches boys the hornbook. What is a,

Yes, yes, he teaches boys the alphabet with the book that’s wrapped in a layer of horn.
b, spelt backward, with the horn on his head?

What is a, b, spelled backward, with a horn on its head?
HOLOFERNES Ba, pueritia, with a horn added.

Ba, childish one, with a horn added.
MOTH Ba, most silly sheep with a horn. You hear his learning.

Ba what a silly sheep with a horn. You hear his education.

HOLOFERNES Quis, quis, thou consonant?

What, what, you consonant?
MOTH The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or

The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or
the fifth, if I.

The fifth, if I do.
HOLOFERNES I will repeat them,--a, e, i,--

I will repeat them, --a, e, i,--
MOTH The sheep: the other two concludes it,--o, u.

You’re the sheep: the other two concludes it, o, u.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Now, by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum, a sweet

Now, by the salty waves of the Mediterranean sea, what a sweet
touch, a quick venue of wit! snip, snap, quick and

Touch, a quick show of wit! Snip, snap, quick and
home! it rejoiceth my intellect: true wit!

Then home! It is a joy to my intellect: true wit!
MOTH Offered by a child to an old man; which is wit-old.

And it’s told by a child to an old man; which is mentally feeble.
HOLOFERNES What is the figure? what is the figure?

What’s the figure of speech there?
MOTH Horns.

Horns.
HOLOFERNES Thou disputest like an infant: go, whip thy gig.

You reason like an infant: go, spin your top.
MOTH Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip about

Lend me your horn to make one, and I will spin around
your infamy circum circa,--a gig of a cuckold's horn.

Your infamy with a ready hand, -- the top of a cuckold’s horn.
COSTARD An I had but one penny in the world, thou shouldst

And if I had only one penny in the world, you should
have it to buy gingerbread: hold, there is the very

Take it to buy gingerbread: wait, there is the very
remuneration I had of thy master, thou halfpenny

Remuneration I had of your master, your tiny
purse of wit, thou pigeon-egg of discretion. O, an

Purse of wit, you pigeon-egg of discretion. O, and
the heavens were so pleased that thou wert but my

The heavens were so pleased that you were only my
bastard, what a joyful father wouldst thou make me!

Bastard, what a joyful father you would make me!
Go to; thou hast it ad dunghill, at the fingers'

Go to it; you have it ad dunghill, at the fingers’
ends, as they say.

Ends, as they say.
HOLOFERNES O, I smell false Latin; dunghill for unguem.

O, I smell false Latin; he said dunghill instead of unguem.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Arts-man, preambulate, we will be singled from the

Scholar, walk with me, so we can be away from these
barbarous. Do you not educate youth at the

Barbarians. Don’t you educate the youth at the
charge-house on the top of the mountain?

School on the top of the mountain?
HOLOFERNES Or mons, the hill.

It’s more a hill.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain.

If you prefer that over mountain.
HOLOFERNES I do, sans question.

I do, without question.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO  Sir, it is the king's most sweet pleasure and

Sir, it is the king’s great pleasure and
affection to congratulate the princess at her

And affection to do the princess the honor of paying her a visit
pavilion in the posteriors of this day, which the

At her pavilion in the rear end of this day, which the
rude multitude call the afternoon.

Rude masses call the afternoon.
HOLOFERNES The posterior of the day, most generous sir, is

The rear end of the day, most generous sir, is
liable, congruent and measurable for the afternoon:

Apt, congruent, and fitted for the afternoon:
the word is well culled, chose, sweet and apt, I do

That word is well culled, well chosen, sweet and apt, I do
assure you, sir, I do assure.

Assure you, sir, I do assure.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADOSir, the king is a noble gentleman, and my familiar,

Sir, the king is a noble gentleman, and we are very close,
I do assure ye, very good friend: for what is

I do assure you, a very good friend: for what is
inward between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee,

Private between us, let it pass.
I do ask you,
remember thy courtesy; I beseech thee, apparel thy