The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (406 page)

Like the pomewater apple, who now hangs like a jewel in
the ear of caelo, the sky, the welkin, the heaven;

The ear of caelo, the sky, the welkin, the heaven;
and anon falleth like a crab on the face of terra,

And eventually falls like a crab apple on the face of terra,
the soil, the land, the earth.

The soil, the land, the earth.

SIR NATHANIEL Truly, Master Holofernes, the epithets are sweetly

Truly, Master Holofernes, the epithets are sweetly
varied, like a scholar at the least: but, sir, I

Varied, like a scholar to say the least: but, sir, I
assure ye, it was a buck of the first head.

Assure you, it was a buck of about five years, with newly full antlers.
HOLOFERNES Sir Nathaniel, haud credo.

Sir Nathaniel, I don’t believe it.
DULL 'Twas not a haud credo; 'twas a pricket.

Not it was not a haud credo; it was a young buck.
HOLOFERNES Most barbarous intimation! yet a kind of

What a barbaric interruption! Yet a kind of
insinuation, as it were, in via, in way, of

Insinuation, as it were, in viw, in a way, of
explication; facere, as it were, replication, or

Expounding; to make, as it were, explanation, or
rather, ostentare, to show, as it were, his

Rather, ostentatiously, showing, as it were, his
inclination, after his undressed, unpolished,

Inclination, after his undressed, unpolished,
uneducated, unpruned, untrained, or rather,

Uneducated, unpruned, untrained, or rather,
unlettered, or ratherest, unconfirmed fashion, to

Unlettered, or unconfirmed way, to
insert again my haud credo for a deer.

interpret again my ‘haud credo’ to mean a deer.
DULL I said the deer was not a haud credo; twas a pricket.

I said the deer was not a haud credo; it was a young buck.
HOLOFERNES Twice-sod simplicity, his coctus!

Twice boiled simplicity, twice cooked!
O thou monster Ignorance, how deformed dost thou look!

O you monster, Ignorance, how deformed you look!

SIR NATHANIEL Sir, he hath never fed of the dainties that are bred

Sir he has never fed from the foods that are bred
in a book; he hath not eat paper, as it were; he

In a book; he has not eaten paper, as it were; he
hath not drunk ink: his intellect is not

Has not drunk ink: his intellect is not
replenished; he is only an animal, only sensible in

Replenished; he is only an animal, only capable of perception in
the duller parts:

The duller parts:
And such barren plants are set before us, that we

And just like the barren plants that are set before us, that we
thankful should be,

Should be thankful for.
Which we of taste and feeling are, for those parts that

We who have taste and feeling are, for those parts that
do fructify in us more than he.

Do grow fruitful in us more than in him.
For as it would ill become me to be vain, indiscreet, or a fool,

Just as it would not be becoming for me to be vain, indiscreet or a fool,
So were there a patch set on learning, to see him in a school:

It would be the same to set a dolt or fool to start learning:
But omne bene, say I; being of an old father's mind,

But I say all is well; being of the opinion of an ancient sage,
Many can brook the weather that love not the wind.

Many can put up with the weather that do not love the wind.
DULL You two are book-men: can you tell me by your wit

You two are smart men: can you tell me by your wit
What was a month old at Cain's birth, that's not five

What was a month old when Cain was born, but that’s not five
weeks old as yet?

Weeks old as of yet?
HOLOFERNES Dictynna, goodman Dull; Dictynna, goodman Dull.

Dictynna, my good man Dull; Dictynna, my good man.
DULL What is Dictynna?

What is Dictynna?

SIR NATHANIEL A title to Phoebe, to Luna, to the moon.

Another name for Phoebe, Luna, for the moon.
HOLOFERNES The moon was a month old when Adam was no more,

The moon was a month old when Adam was no more,
And raught not to five weeks when he came to

And hadn’t reached five weeks when he became
five-score.

Fifty years old.
The allusion holds in the exchange.

The riddle remains valid in the substitution of Adam for Cain.
DULL 'Tis true indeed; the collusion holds in the exchange.

It’s true indeed; the conspiracy stays in the exchange.
HOLOFERNES God comfort thy capacity! I say, the allusion holds

God comfort your tiny brain!  I said, the riddle still applies
in the exchange.

If you exchange the names.
DULL And I say, the pollusion holds in the exchange; for

And I say, the pollution stays in the exchange; for
the moon is never but a month old: and I say beside

The moon is never more than a month old: and I say besides
that, 'twas a pricket that the princess killed.

That, it was a young buck that the princess killed.
HOLOFERNES Sir Nathaniel, will you hear an extemporal epitaph

Sir Nathaniel, will you hear an improvised epitaph
on the death of the deer? And, to humour the

On the death of the deer? And, to humor the
ignorant, call I the deer the princess killed a pricket.

Ignorant one, I’ll call the deer the princess killed a young buck.
SIR NATHANIEL Perge, good Master Holofernes, perge; so it shall

Proceed, good Master Holofernes, proceed; so it will
please you to abrogate scurrility.

Please you to refrain from any obscene abuse.
HOLOFERNES I will something affect the letter, for it argues facility.

I will somewhat make use of alliteration, for it requires skill.
The preyful princess pierced and prick'd a pretty

The princess intent upon a prey, pierced and shot a prettypleasing pricket;

Pleasing young buck;Some say a sore; but not a sore, till now made

Some say a sore, a deer of four years; but it was not a sore, until just now
sore with shooting.

Made sore with being shot.
The dogs did yell: put L to sore, then sorel jumps

The dogs yelled; put fifty to sore, then sorel, a dear of three years, jumps
from thicket;

From the thicket
Or pricket sore, or else sorel; the people fall a-hooting.

Either a young buck of four years, or else three; the people start hooting.
If sore be sore, then L to sore makes fifty sores

If sore is sore, the fifty to sore makes fifty sores
one sorel.

One sorel.
Of one sore I an hundred make by adding but one more L.

I can make one sore into a hundred by adding one more fifty.
SIR NATHANIEL A rare talent!

A rare talent!
DULL [Aside] If a talent be a claw, look how he claws

[Aside] If a talent were a claw, look how he flatters
him with a talent.

Him with his talons.
HOLOFERNES This is a gift that I have, simple, simple; a

This is a gift that I have, simple, simple; a
foolish extravagant spirit, full of forms, figures,

Foolish extravagant spirit, full of forms, figures,
shapes, objects, ideas, apprehensions, motions,

Shapes, objects, ideas, apprehensions, motions,
revolutions: these are begot in the ventricle of

Revolutions: these come from the part of the brain used for
memory, nourished in the womb of pia mater, and

Memory, nourished in the womb of the membrane surrounding the brain, and
delivered upon the mellowing of occasion. But the

Is delivered when the moment is ripe. But the
gift is good in those in whom it is acute, and I am

Gift is good for those people that have it acutely, and I am
thankful for it.

Thankful for it.
SIR NATHANIEL Sir, I praise the Lord for you; and so may my

Sir, I praise the Lord for you; and so are the
parishioners; for their sons are well tutored by

people in my parish; for their sons are well tutored by
you, and their daughters profit very greatly under

you, and their daughters profit very greatly under
you: you are a good member of the commonwealth.

Your teaching: you are a good member of the community.
HOLOFERNES Mehercle, if their sons be ingenuous, they shall

By Hercules, if their sons are naïve they will
want no instruction; if their daughters be capable,

Not Lack instruction; I their daughters are capable,
I will put it to them: but vir sapit qui pauca

I will put it to them: but he is a wise man who
loquitur; a soul feminine saluteth us.

Speaks little; a feminine soul is saluting us.
Enter JAQUENETTA and COSTARDJAQUENETTA God give you good morrow, master Parson.

God give you a good day, master Parson.
HOLOFERNES Master Parson, quasi pers-on. An if one should be

Master Parson, you mean person.
And if one should be
pierced, which is the one?

The pierced-one, which is the one?
COSTARD Marry, master schoolmaster, he that is likest to a hogshead.

Well, master schoolteacher, he that is the most alike to a hogshead.
HOLOFERNES Piercing a hogshead! a good lustre of conceit in a

Getting drunk! A good spark of fancy in a

tuft of earth; fire enough for a flint, pearl enough

tuft of earth; enough fire for a flint, enough pearl
for a swine: 'tis pretty; it is well.

For a swine: it’s pretty, it is good.
JAQUENETTA Good master Parson, be so good as read me this

Good master Person, if you would be so good as to read me this
letter: it was given me by Costard, and sent me

Letter: it was given to me by Costard, and sent to me
from Don Armado: I beseech you, read it.

From Don Armado: I beg you, read it.
HOLOFERNES Fauste, precor gelida quando pecus omne sub umbra

Faustus, I beg, while all the cattle chew their cud
Ruminat,--and so forth. Ah, good old Mantuan! I

In the cool shade—and so forth. Ah good old Mantuan! I
may speak of thee as the traveller doth of Venice;

Could talk about you the way a traveler talks of Venice;
Venetia, Venetia,

Venice, Venice,
Chi non ti vede non ti pretia.

He who sees you not, loves you not.
Old Mantuan, old Mantuan! who understandeth thee

Old Manuan, old Mantuan! Who understands you
not, loves thee not. Ut, re, sol, la, mi, fa.

Not, loves you not. Do, re, mi, fa so , la, ti, do.
Under pardon, sir, what are the contents? or rather,

I beg pardon, sir, what are the contents of this letter? or rather,
as Horace says in his--What, my soul, verses?

As Horace says in his—What, my soul, verses?
SIR NATHANIEL Ay, sir, and very learned.

Yes, sir, and very educated.
HOLOFERNES Let me hear a staff, a stanze, a verse; lege, domine.

Let me hear a staff, a stanza, a verse; read, master.
SIR NATHANIEL [Reads]If love make me forsworn, how shall I swear to love?

If love makes me break my oath, how can I swear to love?

Ah, never faith could hold, if not to beauty vow'd!

Oh, faith could never hold, if it is not vowed to beauty!
Though to myself forsworn, to thee I'll faithful prove:

Though I have broken my promise to myself, I’ll prove to be faithful to you;
Those thoughts to me were oaks, to thee like

Those thoughts that were like strong oak trees, that have bowed like
osiers bow'd.

Willow branches.
Study his bias leaves and makes his book thine eyes,