The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (139 page)

less great to admit it. Would it make me look bad

to say I would like some small beer?

POINS.

Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied as to

remember so weak a composition.

Why, a prince should not be so low minded

as to remember such weak stuff.

PRINCE.

Belike then my appetite was not princely got; for, by my troth,

I do now remember the poor creature, small beer. But, indeed,

these humble considerations make me out of love with my greatness.

What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name! or to know thy

face to-morrow! or to take note how many pair of silk stockings thou

hast, viz. these, and those that were thy peach-coloured ones! or to

bear the inventory of thy shirts, as, one for superfluity, and another

for use!

But that the tennis-court-keeper knows better than I; for it is a low

ebb of linen with thee when thou keepest not racket there; as thou hast

not done a great while, because the rest of thy low countries have made

a shift to eat up thy holland:  and God knows, whether those that bawl

out of the ruins of thy linen shall inherit his kingdom:  but the

midwives say the children are not in the fault; whereupon the world

increases, and kindreds are mightily strengthened.

 Perhaps my appetite is not that of a Prince, for

I swear that I can remember that poor refreshment,

small beer. But having to think about these things

makes me despise my greatness. How disgraceful

it is for me to remember your name! Or to recognise you

tomorrow! Or to know how many pairs of

silk stockings you have–that is, these, and those

peach coloured ones! Or to know how many

shirts you have–I know you have one spare

and one to wear! But the tennis court keeper knows

that's better than I do, for you only give up

playing when you run out of shirts; you haven't played for

a long time, because you've had to pawn your shirts

to support your other low habits. And

God knows whether your offspring, howling from the

scraps of your old shirts, shall go to heaven: but the

midwives say that children can't be blamed for being

bastards, and that's the way the population increases,

and you have plenty of family.

POINS.

How ill it follows, after you have laboured so hard, you

should talk so idly! Tell me, how many good young princes would

do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is?

How wrong it is that you should talk so foolishly

after such great work! Tell me, how many good young princes would

talk like this, with their fathers being as sick as yours is now?

PRINCE.

Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?

Shall I tell you something, Poins?

POINS.

Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing.

 Yes indeed; and let it be a very good thing.

PRINCE.

It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding than thine.

 It will do, for people of your intelligence.

POINS.

Go to; I stand the push of your one thing that you will tell.

Get on; I can cope with anything you want to say.

PRINCE.

Marry, I tell thee it is not meet that I should be sad, now my father

is sick:  albeit I could tell to thee, as to one it pleases me, for

fault of a better, to call my friend, I could be sad, and sad indeed too.

Well, I tell you that it is not proper for me to be sad over

my father's illness: otherwise I would tell you, as one whom

I regard, lacking any better, as a friend, that I would be sad,

very sad indeed.

POINS.

Very hardly upon such a subject.

It's a very sad subject.

PRINCE.

By this hand, thou thinkest me as far in the devil's book as thou

and Falstaff for obduracy and persistency: let the end try the man.

But I tell thee, my heart bleeds inwardly that my father is so sick:

and keeping such vile company as thou art hath in reason taken from

me all ostentation of sorrow.

I swear, you think I am as deeply in league with the devil

as you and Falstaff, for stubbornness and persistence.

Let's see how we turn out. But I tell you, my heart

is bleeding inside for my father's illness:

and keeping low company with people like you

has stopped me from showing any signs of sorrow.

POINS.

The reason?

Why's that?

PRINCE.

What wouldst thou think of me, if I should weep?

What would you think of me, if I were to weep?

POINS.

I would think thee a most princely hypocrite.

I would think you were a great hypocrite.

PRINCE.

It would be every man's thought; and thou art a blessed fellow to

think as every man thinks:  never a man's thought in the world keeps

the road-way better than thine:  every man would think me an

hypocrite indeed. And what accites your most worshipful thought to

think so?

That's what everyone would think; and you are a lucky fellow to

think like every other man: there's nobody in the world who thinks

quite as much like the average fellow as you: every man would indeed

think me a hypocrite. And what makes your judicious thought think this?

POINS.

Why, because you have been so lewd and so much engraffed

to Falstaff.

Why, because you have lived such a loose life and

have been so closely attached to Falstaff.

PRINCE.

And to thee.

And to you.

POINS.

By this light, I am well spoke on; I can hear it with mine own

ears:  the worst that they can say of me is that I am a second

brother and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and those two

things, I confess, I cannot help. By the mass, here comes Bardolph.

I swear, I am well spoken of; I can hear what people say:

the worst they can say of me is that I am a younger son

and that I am a good fighter; and I admit that I cannot

help those two things. By heaven, here comes Bardolph.

[Enter Bardolph and Page.]

PRINCE.

And the boy that I gave Falstaff:  'a had him from me Christian;

and look, if the fat villain have not transformed him ape.

And the boy that I gave to Falstaff: he was a Christian when I gave him to him;

it looks as if the fat villain has changed him into an ape.

BARDOLPH.

God save your grace!

God save your Grace!

PRINCE.

And yours, most noble Bardolph!

The same to you, most noble Bardolph!

POINS.

Come, you virtuous ass, you bashful fool, must you be blushing?

wherefore blush you now? What a maidenly man-at-arms are you become!

Is 't such a matter to get a pottle-pot's maidenhead?

Come, you virtuous ass, you bashful fool, do you have to blush?

Why are you blushing now? What an effeminate little soldier you've become!

Is it so difficult to pour out a pint of ale?

PAGE.

'A calls me e'en now, my lord, through a red lattice, and I could

discern no part of his face from the window:  at last I spied his

eyes, and methought he had made two holes in the ale-wife's new

petticoat and so peep'd through.

He called me just now, my lord, through a red latticework,

and I couldn't tell the difference between his face and the window: at last I saw

his eyes, and I thought he had made two holes in the landlady's

new petticoat and was peeping through them.

PRINCE.

Has not the boy profited?

Hasn't this boy come on?

BARDOLPH.

Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away!

Get lost, you timid little son of a bitch!

PAGE.

Away, you rascally Althaea's dream, away!

Get lost, you rascally Althea's dream!

PRINCE.

Instruct us, boy; what dream, boy?

Teach us, boy; what dream is that, boy?

PAGE.

Marry, my lord, Althaea dreamt she was delivered of a

fire-brand; and therefore I call him her dream.

Why, my lord, Althea dreamt that she gave birth to

a burning coal; so I call him her dream.

PRINCE.

A crown's worth of good interpretation:  there 'tis, boy.

That's a crown's worth of good explanation: there it is, boy.

POINS.

O, that this blossom could be kept from cankers!  Well,

there is sixpence to preserve thee.

If only this flower could be kept from diseases! Well,

there is sixpence to protect you.

BARDOLPH.

An you do not make him hanged among you, the gallows

shall have wrong.

If he doesn't get hanged alongside you, the gallows

will have missed out.

PRINCE.

And how doth thy master, Bardolph?

And how is your master, Bardolph?

BARDOLPH.

Well, my lord. He heard of your grace's coming to town:

there's a letter for you.

He’s well, my lord. He heard that your Grace had come to town:

there's a letter for you.

POINS.

Deliver'd with good respect. And how doth the martlemas,

your master?

Delivered with proper ceremony. And how is the old fellow,

your master?

BARDOLPH.

In bodily health, sir.

He is physically well, sir.

POINS.

Marry, the immortal part needs a physician; but that moves

not him:  though that be sick, it dies not.

Yes, but it is his soul which needs a doctor; but that doesn't

bother him; though it is sick, it will not die.

PRINCE.

I do allow this wen to be as familiar with me as my dog;

and he holds his place; for look you how he writes.

I say this old lump is as familiar with me as my dog;

he stands on his dignity; look how he writes.

POINS.

[Reads.] "John Falstaff, knight,"--every man must know that, as oft

as he has occasion to name himself:  even like those that are kin

to the king; for they never prick their finger but they say,

"There's some of the king's blood spilt."

"How comes that?" says he, that takes upon him not to conceive.

The answer is as ready as a borrower's cap,