The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (137 page)

[Enter Hostess, Fang and his Boy with her, and Snare following.]

HOSTESS.

Master Fang, have you entered the action?

Master Fang, have you made a note of the charges?

FANG.

It is entered.

They are written down.

HOSTESS.

Where 's your yeoman? Is 't a lusty yeoman? will 'a stand to 't?

Where is your constable? Is he a strong chap? Will he do

a good job?

FANG.

Sirrah, where 's Snare?

Sir, where's Snare?

HOSTESS.

O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.

O Lord, yes! Good Master Snare.

SNARE.

Here, here.

Here, here.

FANG.

Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.

Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.

HOSTESS.

Yea, good Master Snare; I have entered him and all.

Yes, good Master Snare; I have laid charges against him.

SNARE.

It may chance cost some of our lives, for he will stab.

There's a chance it could cost  some of us our lives, for he will stab.

HOSTESS.

Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabbed me in mine own house,

and that most beastly:  in good faith, he cares not what

mischief he does, if his weapon be out:  he will foin like any

devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.

Alas! Watch out for him; he stabbed me in my own house,

and in a very beastly way: I swear, he doesn't care what

mischief he does, if only he has his weapon out: he will

fence like the devil, he won't spare men, women or children.

FANG.

If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.

If I can get into a fight with him, I won't be scared of his stabbing.

HOSTESS.

No, nor I neither:  I'll be at your elbow.

No, me neither: I'll be by your side.

FANG.

An I but fist him once; an 'a come but within my vice,--

If I can just get one punch at him, if he just comes within range–

HOSTESS.

I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he 's an

infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him sure:

good Master Snare, let him not 'scape. A' comes continuantly to

Pie-corner--saving your manhoods--to buy a saddle; and he is

indited to dinner to the Lubber's-head in Lumbert Street, to

Master Smooth's the silkman:  I pray ye, since my exion is

entered and my case so openly known to the world, let him be

brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a poor

lone woman to bear:  and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and

have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this

day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no

honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass and

a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.  Yonder he comes; and that

arrant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices,

do your offices, Master Fang and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me

your offices.

I'm almost bankrupt with his disappearing, I swear, he has

an infinite sum owing me. Good Master Fang,

get a good hold of him; good Master Snare, don't let him

escape. He's always coming to Pie Corner–if you'll excuse

me saying so–to buy saddles, and he is invited

to dinner at the Leopard's in Lombard Street with

Master Smooth the silk tailor. I beg you, since my

accusation has been registered and everyone knows

my case, let him be brought in to answer it. A hundred

marks is a large sum for poor single woman to

cope with, and I have coped, and coped, and coped, and

I have been fobbed off, and fobbed off, and fobbed off,

from pillar to post, it's shameful to think of.

This behaviour is most dishonourable, unless a woman

should be an ass, an animal, to carry every

scoundrel's burden.

Here he comes, with that wicked boozy nosed

scoundrel Bardolph with him. Do your jobs, do your

jobs, Master Fang and Master Snare, do your duty

for me.

[Enter Falstaff, Page, and Bardolph.]

FALSTAFF.

How now! whose mare's dead? what's the matter?

What's this! What's all the fuss? What's the matter?

FANG.

Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.

Sir John, I'm arresting you on the accusations of Mistress Quickly.

FALSTAFF.

Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph:  cut me off the villain's

head:  throw the quean in the channel.

Get lost, scoundrels! Sword out, Bardolph: cut me off the villain's head: throw that slut in the gutter.

HOSTESS.

Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the channel.

Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder! Ah,

thou honey-suckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and the

king's?

Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed, a man-queller,

and a woman-queller.

Throw me in the gutter! I'll throw you in the gutter.

You'd do it would you? You bastard rogue! Murder, murder!

Ah, you homicidal villain! Are you going to kill the representatives of God and King?

Ah, you homicidal rogue! You are a murderer, a killer

of men and women.

FALSTAFF.

Keep them off, Bardolph.

Keep them back, Bardolph.

FANG.

A rescue! a rescue!

Help! They're trying to escape!

HOSTESS.

Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wo't, wo't thou?

thou wo't, wo't ta? do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!

Good people, lend a hand. So you won't?

You won't? Do it, you rogue! Do it, you murderer!

PAGE.

Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian!  I'll tickle

your catastrophe.

Get away you scum! You ruffian! You baggage!

I'll make your backside tingle.

[Enter the Lord Chief-Justice, and his men.]

CHIEF JUSTICE.

What is the matter? keep the peace here, ho!

What's going on? Keep the peace here!

HOSTESS.

Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to me.

My good lord, treat me well. I beg you, stand up for me.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

How now, Sir John! what are you brawling here?

Doth this become your place, your time and business?

You should have been well on your way to York.

Stand from him, fellow:  wherefore hang'st thou upon him?

What's this, Sir John! Why are you brawling here?

Is this suitable for your position, your schedule and your business?

You should have been well on your way to York.

Stand away from him, fellow: why are you hanging on to him?

HOSTESS.

O my most worshipful lord, an't please your grace, I am a

poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.

O my most worshipful Lord, if it please your Grace, I am a

poor widow from Eastcheap, and he has been arrested at my request.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

For what sum?

For what sum?

HOSTESS.

It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all, all I have.

He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance

into that fat belly of his:  but I will have some of it out again,

or I will ride thee o' nights like the mare.

It is more than some, my lord; it is everything I have.

He has eaten me out of house and home; he has put everything I have

into that fat belly of his: but I will have some of it back again,

or I'll become like a nightmare to you.

FALSTAFF.

I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any

vantage of ground to get up.

I think I could ride the mare in the night, given

half a chance.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

How comes this, Sir John?  Fie! what man of good temper would

endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce

a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own?

How did this happen, Sir John? Really! What true man

could endure this storm of criticism? Aren't you ashamed to make

a poor widow have to take such actions to get her rights?

FALSTAFF.

What is the gross sum that I owe thee?

What's the whole sum that I owe you?

HOSTESS.

Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the money too.

Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in

my Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon

Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the prince broke thy head for

liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor, thou didst swear to

me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my

lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the

butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly? Coming

in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of

prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told

thee they were ill for green wound? And didst thou not, when she

was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with

such poor people; saying that ere long they should call me madam?

And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings?

I put thee now to thy book-oath:  deny it, if thou canst.

Well, if you were an honest man, you owe me

the money and yourself. Useful to me on a silver goblet, sitting in the dolphin room, at the round table, with a sea coal

fire, on a Wednesday in Whitsun, when the Prince broke

your head for comparing his father to a pretender to the throne–

you swore to me then, as I was washing your wound,

to marry me, to make me your wife. Can

you deny it? Didn't Keech the butcher's wife come in

at that time and call me neighbour Quickly?–

She was coming in to borrow a little vinegar, telling us she

had a good dish of prawns, and you wanted some to eat,

and I told you that they were not good for an unhealed

wound? And didn't you, when she

had gone downstairs, ask me not to be so

familiar with such poor people, saying that before

long they would be calling me madam? And didn't you

kiss me, and ask me to get you thirty shillings? I

ask you now to swear it on the Bible, deny it if you can.

FALSTAFF.

My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says up and down the