The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (134 page)

it worse than the name of rebellion can tell how to make it.

What! A young scoundrel, begging! Are there no wars? Is

there no work to do? Does the king have no subjects? Do

the rebels not need soldiers? Although it is shameful to be on any side apart

from one, it's more shameful to beg them to be on the worst side,

even if it carried an even more evil name than rebellion.

SERVANT.

You mistake me, sir.

You misunderstand me, sir.

FALSTAFF.

Why, sir, did I say you were an honest man? setting my knighthood

and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat, if I had said so.

Why, sir, did I say that you were an honest man? If I was not

a knight and a soldier and could tell lies, I would be

lying if I said so.

SERVANT.

I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and your soldiership aside;

and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat, if you say I

am any other than an honest man.

Then I pray you, sir, forget your knighthood and

your soldiership, and give me permission to tell you

that you are lying through your teeth, if you say I am anything other than an honest man.

FALSTAFF.

I give thee leave to tell me so! I lay aside that which grows to me!

If thou gettest any leave of me, hang me; if thou takest leave,

thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter:  hence! avaunt!

Me give you permission to tell me that! Put aside the things

that are an integral part of me? If you get any permission from me, hang me.

If you try it without my permission, you would be better off hanged. You

have got the wrong man. Get out! Away!

SERVANT.

Sir, my lord would speak with you.

Sir, my lord wants to speak to you.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.

Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.

FALSTAFF.

My good lord! God give your lordship good time of day. I am glad to

see your lordship abroad: I heard say your lordship was sick:

I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice. Your lordship, though

not clean past your youth, hath yet some smack of age in you, some

relish of the saltness of time; and I most humbly beseech your lordship

to have a reverend care of your health.

My good Lord! May God wish your lordship a good

day. I'm glad to see your Lordship out and about, I heard

rumours that your Lordship was sick. I hope your lordship goes

out on the advice of his doctors; your lordship, though you have not completely

lost your youth, has some signs of ageing in him,

some taste of the saltiness of time; and I most

humbly beg your lordship to take good care of your health.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.

Sir John, I sent for you before your journey

to Shrewsbury.

FALSTAFF.

An 't please your lordship, I hear his majesty is returned

with some discomfort from Wales.

If you please your lordship, I hear his Majesty has come back

from Wales in some discomfort.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

I talk not of his majesty:  you would not come when I

sent for you.

I'm not talking about his Majesty: you didn't come when I

sent for you.

FALSTAFF.

And I hear, moreover, his highness is fall'n into this same

whoreson apoplexy.

And I also hear at his Highness is suffering from

this damned paralysis.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Well God mend him! I pray you, let me speak with you.

Well, may God cure him! Please, let me speak with you.

FALSTAFF.

This apoplexy is, as I take it, a kind of lethargy, an 't please

your lordship; a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson tingling.

This paralysis is, I assume, a kind of tiredness, if your

Lordship pleases; a kind of sleepiness in the blood, a blasted tingling.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

What tell you me of it? be it as it is.

Why you telling me about it? It is what it is.

FALSTAFF.

It hath it original from much grief, from study and perturbation

of the brain:  I have read the cause of his effects in Galen:

it is a kind of deafness.

It originates from great grief, from too much study and

disturbance of the brain; I've read about the symptoms

in Galen's books, it is a kind of deafness.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

I think you are fallen into the disease, for you hear not

what I say to you.

I think you must have that disease, for you don't hear

what I say to you.

FALSTAFF.

Very well, my lord, very well:  rather, an 't please you, it

is the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that

I am troubled withal.

Very good, my lord, very good: but, if you please, it

is a disease of not listening, of not paying any attention,

that afflicts me at the moment.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

To punish you by the heels would amend the attention

of your ears; and I care not if I do become your physician.

To slap you in prison would make you listen;

and I'm quite prepared to be your doctor.

FALSTAFF.

I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient:  your lordship

may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in respect of poverty;

but how I should be your patient to follow your prescriptions,

the wise may make some dram of a scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.

I am as poor as Job, my lord, but I don't have his patience: your lordship

may give me your cure of imprisonment due to my poverty;

but whether I would be able to follow your prescription as your patient,

I think even wise people might have a little doubt about that.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

I sent for you, when there were matters against you

for your life, to come speak with me.

I sent you, when you were accused of

capital offences, to come and speak with me.

FALSTAFF.

As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws

of this land-service, I did not come.

And I was then advised by my lawyer that the laws

of military service said I did not have to come.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.

Well, the truth is, Sir John, you have a great bad reputation.

FALSTAFF.

He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in less.

Someone with a belt the size of mine has to be great.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.

You have very slender means, but you waste a lot of money.

FALSTAFF.

I would it were otherwise; I would my means were greater,

and my waist slenderer.

I wish it was different; I'd like to have great means,

and a slender waist.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

You have misled the youthful prince.

You have misled the young prince.

FALSTAFF.

The young prince hath misled me:  I am the fellow with the

great belly, and he my dog.

The young prince misled me; I am the chap with the

great belly, and he's my dog.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound:  your day's service

at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night's exploit

on Gad's-hill:  you may thank the unquiet time for your quiet

o'er-posting that action.

Well, I don't want to pick at a newly healed scab: the service you did

at Shrewsbury has somewhat compensated for your exploits

in the night at Gadshill: you can thank these disturbed times

for the fact that that disturbance has been forgotten.

FALSTAFF.

My lord?

My lord?

CHIEF JUSTICE.

But since all is well, keep it so: wake not a sleeping wolf.

But since everything is settled, keep it like that: let sleeping dogs lie.

FALSTAFF.

To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox.

Leave the sleeping dogs, I can smell a rat.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

What! you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.

What! You're like a candle, the best part of you is burnt out.

FALSTAFF.

A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow:  if I did say of wax, my

growth would approve the truth.

A long-lasting Christmas candle, my lord, all animal fat:

if I said I was wax, my size would show the truth.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

There is not a white hair in your face but should have his

effect of gravity.

Those white hairs on your face show that you should

act with more maturity.

FALSTAFF.

His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.

Act with gravy, gravy, gravy.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.

You follow the young Prince about, like a bad angel.

FALSTAFF.

Not so, my lord; your ill angel is light; but I hope he that looks

upon me will take me without weighing:  and yet, in some respects,

I grant, I cannot go:  I cannot tell. Virtue is of so little regard

in these costermonger times that true valour is turned bear-herd;

pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his quick wit wasted in giving

reckonings:  all the other gifts appertinent to man, as the malice of

this age shapes them, are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old

consider not the capacities of us that are young; you do measure the

heat of our livers with the bitterness of your galls:  and we that

are in the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.

Not so, my lord, the bad angel is light, and I hope

anyone who looks at me can see I'm a good weight.

And yet in some ways, I agree, I cannot walk about.

I don't know what to think–virtue is so poorly regarded in these

common times that brave men have had to become

bear leaders; intelligence has become a barman, and his

quick wit is wasted in adding up bills; all the

other gifts that a man can have are worth nothing

in this worthless age. You

who are old do not think of the capabilities

of we young folk; you measure our passion by your own

dried up standards: and I must admit that we who are