The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (133 page)

Tells them he doth bestride a bleeding land,

Gasping for life under great Bolingbroke;

And more and less do flock to follow him.

It's well past time to do it: and, my most noble lord,

I hear that this is definitely true so I shall say it:

the noble Archbishop of York is rebelling

and has strong forces: he is a man

who has a double hold over his followers.

My lord your son had only the bodies of men

in his forces, just the shadows of them without souls;

for the very word, rebellion, divorced

the actions of their bodies from their souls;

they were unwilling to fight, they did it because they had to,

the same way men take medicine, we only had their weapons

on our side; as for their spirits and souls,

this word, rebellion, had frozen them up,

like fish in a pond. But now the Bishop

has turned rebellion into religion;

as he is thought to be sincere and holy in his thoughts,

he is followed with both body and mind,

and he is gaining followers inspired by

the blood of fair King Richard, scraped from the stones of Pomfret Castle;

his argument and his actions are inspired by heaven;

he tells men that the whole country is bleeding,

gasping for life under the rule of great Bolingbroke;

and both high and low are rushing to follow him.

NORTHUMBERLAND.

I knew of this before; but, to speak truth,

This present grief had wiped it from my mind.

Go in with me; and counsel every man

The aptest way for safety and revenge:

Get posts and letters, and make friends with speed:

Never so few, and never yet more need.

I knew about this before; but, to tell the truth,

my recent grief had wiped it from my mind.

Come inside with me; advise everyone

the best way to take revenge and gain our safety:

get couriers, write letters, as quick as you can:

there were never so few people, and we never needed them more.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter Falstaff, with his Page bearing his sword and buckler.]

FALSTAFF.

Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?

Sir, you giant, what does the doctor say about my urine?

PAGE.

He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water; but,

for the party that owed it, he might have moe diseases than he

knew for.

He said, sir, that it was good healthy urine in itself; but,

for the person who gave it, he might have more diseases than

he had ever heard of.

FALSTAFF.

Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me:  the brain of

this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent any thing

that tends to laughter, more than I invent or is invented on me:

I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.

I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath overwhelmed all her

litter but one.

If the prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to

set me off, why then I have no judgement. Thou whoreson mandrake, thou

art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels. I was never

manned with an agate till now:  but I will inset you neither in gold nor

silver, but in vile apparel, and send you back again to your master, for

a jewel,--the juvenal, the prince your master, whose chin is not yet

fledged. I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he

shall get one on his cheek; and yet he will not stick to say his face is

a face-royal:  God may finish it when he will, 'tis not a hair amiss yet:

he may keep it still at a face-royal, for a barber shall never earn

sixpence out of it; and yet he'll be crowing as if he had writ man ever

since his father was a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he's

almost out of mine, I can assure him. What said Master Dombledon about

the satin for my short cloak and my slops?

Every sort of man enjoys mocking me. The brain

of this foolish lump of clay, man, can't

invent anything that causes more laughter than I

cause

or that's caused onmy account; I'm not only witty

myself, but I make other men be witty also. You

see me now like a sow who has crushed

all her litter but one. If the Prince gave me you

as my servant for any other reason than to make

an amusing contrast, I have no judgement. You confounded

midget, you're more suited to be a badge on my cap than

to serve me. I never wore a cameo brooch before,

but I will make one out of you, not in gold or

 silver but in some low stuff, and I shall send you back

to your master as a brooch–that juvenile

Prince your master, who hasn't even grown a beard yet. I

am more likely to grow a beard in the palm of my

hand than he is to get one on his cheek; and yet he

doesn't hesitate to say that he has a royal face. God may

finish it when he wants, it hasn't got the hair on it yet. He

may keep it as a pricey coin for a barber will never

make sixpence shaving it. And yet he swaggers about

as if he had been a man since his father was a

bachelor. He can offer his favours to whom he likes,

I can assure him he won't get any of mine. What did master

Dommelton say about the satin for my short cloak and

my breeches?

PAGE.

He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than Bardolph:

he would not take his bond and yours; he liked not the security.

He said, sir, that you should give him better guarantees of payment than Bardolph:

he wouldn't take his word or yours; he didn't like the security.

FALSTAFF.

Let him be damned, like the glutton! pray God his tongue be hotter!

A whoreson Achitophel! a rascally yea-forsooth knave! to bear a

gentleman in hand, and then stand upon security! The whoreson

smooth-pates do now wear nothing but high shoes, and bunches of keys

at their girdles; and if a man is through with them in honest taking

up, then they must stand upon security.  I had as lief they would

put ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop it with security.

I looked 'a should have sent me two and twenty yards of satin, as I

am a true knight, and he sends me security.  Well, he may sleep in

security; for he hath the horn of abundance, and the lightness of

his wife shines through it: and yet cannot he see, though he have his

own lanthorn to light him.  Where's Bardolph?

Let him be dammed to hell like the glutton! Please God let his tongue be burnt! Traitorous son of a bitch! A

rascally mealymouthed knave, to encourage a gentleman

to have hopes, and then insist on security! These blasted

Puritans walk around on their high heels with their

bunches of keys on their belts; and if a man has agreed

on an honest bargain with them, then they

start insisting on security. I would just as soon that they put

rat poison in my mouth as to ask me for

security. I sent him orders to send me twenty two

yards of satin, as I am a true knight, and he

demands security! Well, he can sleep securely, for he certainly is being cheated on by his wife and he cannot

see it, even if he has a lantern to guide him.

Where's Bardolph?

PAGE.

He's gone into Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.

He's gone to Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.

FALSTAFF.

I bought him in Paul's, and he'll buy me a horse in Smithfield:

an I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were manned, horsed,

and wived.

I picked him up in St Paul's, and he is buying me a horse in Smithfield:

if I could just get a wife from the slums, I would have servant, horse and wife.

[Enter the Lord Chief-Justice and Servant.]

PAGE.
 

Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for

striking him about Bardolph.

Sir, here comes the nobleman who sent the Prince to trial

for hitting him on Bardolph's behalf.

FALSTAFF.

Wait close; I will not see him.

Keep close to me; I won't recognise him.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

What's he that goes there?

Who's that over there?

SERVANT.

Falstaff, an 't please your lordship.

If you please your lordship, that's  Falstaff.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

He that was in question for the robbery?

The one we questioned over the robbery?

SERVANT.

He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at

Shrewsbury; and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the

Lord John of Lancaster.

Him, my lord; but since then he has served well at

Shrewsbury, and, I hear, is now going on some mission

to Lord John of Lancaster.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

What, to York? Call him back again.

What, to York? Call him back here.

SERVANT.

Sir John Falstaff!

Sir John Falstaff!

FALSTAFF.

Boy, tell him I am deaf.

Boy, tell him I am deaf.

PAGE.

You must speak louder; my master is deaf.

You must speak louder; my master is deaf.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

I am sure he is, to the hearing of anything good.

Go, pluck him by the elbow; I must speak with him.

I'm sure he is, to listening to anything good.

Go and grab him by the elbow; I have to speak with him.

SERVANT.

Sir John!

Sir John!

FALSTAFF.

What! a young knave, and begging! Is there not wars? is

there not employment? doth not the king lack subjects? do not the

rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side but

one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the worst side, were