The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1091 page)

Thy knower, Patroclus. Then tell me, Patroclus, what art

thou?

Someone who knows you, Patroclus.So tell me, Patroclus, who are you?

PATROCLUS.

Thou must tell that knowest.

You know me, you say.

ACHILLES.

O, tell, tell.

Oh, tell us.

THERSITES.

I'll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands

Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus' knower; and

Patroclus is a fool.

I'll explain the whole question.Agamemnon commands

Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am the one who knows Patroclus; and

Patroclus is a fool.

PATROCLUS.

You rascal!

You rascal!

THERSITES.

Peace, fool! I have not done.

Peace, fool!I haven't finished.

ACHILLES.

He is a privileg'd man. Proceed, Thersites.

He is given allowances.Go on, Thersites.

THERSITES.

Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a

fool; and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.

Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a

fool; and, as previously mentioned, Patroclus is a fool.

ACHILLES.

Derive this; come.

Come on then, explain this.

THERSITES.

Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles;

Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon; Thersites is a

fool to serve such a fool; and this Patroclus is a fool positive.

Agamemnon is a fool to try to command Achilles;

Achilles is a fool to be commanded by Agamemnon; Thersites is a

fool to serve such a fool; and Patroclus is a fool full stop.

PATROCLUS.

Why am I a fool?

Why am I a fool?

THERSITES.

Make that demand of the Creator. It suffices me thou

art. Look you, who comes here?

Ask your Creator.It's enough for me to just know that you are.

Look, who's this coming?

ACHILLES.

Come, Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody. Come in with me,

Thersites.

Exit

Come, Patroclus, I don't want to speak to anybody.

THERSITES.

Here is such patchery, such juggling, and such knavery.

All the argument is a whore and a cuckold-a good quarrel to draw

emulous factions and bleed to death upon. Now the dry serpigo on

the subject, and war and lechery confound all!

Exit

There is such stupidity, such trickery and such knavery here.

The whole war is about a cuckold and a whore - fine things

to split into factions and bleed to death over.A plague on

the subject, and may war and their lechery damn them all!

Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES,

AJAX, and CALCHAS

AGAMEMNON.

Where is Achilles?

Where is Achilles?

PATROCLUS.

Within his tent; but ill-dispos'd, my lord.

Inside his tent; but not entertaining, my lord.

AGAMEMNON.

Let it be known to him that we are here.

He shent our messengers; and we lay by

Our appertainings, visiting of him.

Let him be told so; lest, perchance, he think

We dare not move the question of our place

Or know not what we are.

Let him know that I am here.

he insulted my messengers; and I am

lowering myself by visiting him.

Tell him this, in case he thinks

that I won't assert my authority

or don't know my position.

PATROCLUS.

I shall say so to him.

Exit

I'll tell him.

ULYSSES.

We saw him at the opening of his tent.

He is not sick.

I saw him at the entrance to his tent.

He's not ill.

AJAX.

Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart. You may call it

melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my head, 'tis

pride. But why, why? Let him show us a cause. A word, my lord.

[Takes AGAMEMNON aside]

He's sick as a lion, sick from pride.You can call it

depression, if you're on his side; but to me it is

pride.But why, why?Let him show us a reason.A word, my lord.

NESTOR.

What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?

What makes Ajax rant at him like that?

ULYSSES.

Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.

Achilles has persuaded his fool away from him.

NESTOR.

Who, Thersites?

Who, Thersites?

ULYSSES.

He.

Him.

NESTOR.

Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument.

Then Ajax will have nothing to say, if he's lost the thing he's complaining about.

ULYSSES.

No; you see he is his argument that has his argument-

Achilles.

No; you see, the one he wants to argue with is the one who has taken

what he's talking about away - Achilles.

NESTOR.

All the better; their fraction is more our wish than their

faction. But it was a strong composure a fool could disunite!

So much the better; we're better off with them divided rather than united

against us.But they hardly had a great bond, if a fool can split them up!

ULYSSES.

The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.

If a friendship isn't based on wisdom then stupidity can easily break it.

Re-enter PATROCLUS

Here comes Patroclus.

Here come Patroclus.

NESTOR.

No Achilles with him.

No Achilles with him.

ULYSSES.

The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy; his legs

are legs for necessity, not for flexure.

The elephant has joints, but none to kneel politely;

he only has them for necessity, not for showing respect.

PATROCLUS.

Achilles bids me say he is much sorry

If any thing more than your sport and pleasure

Did move your greatness and this noble state

To call upon him; he hopes it is no other

But for your health and your digestion sake,

An after-dinner's breath.

Achilles tells me to say that he's very sorry

if it was anything more than your fun and pleasure

which made your highness and your noble entourage

come calling; he hopes you're just out

for the sake of your health and digestion,

getting a breath of air after dinner.

AGAMEMNON.

Hear you, Patroclus.

We are too well acquainted with these answers;

But his evasion, wing'd thus swift with scorn,

Cannot outfly our apprehensions.

Much attribute he hath, and much the reason

Why we ascribe it to him. Yet all his virtues,

Not virtuously on his own part beheld,

Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss;

Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,

Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him

We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin

If you do say we think him over-proud

And under-honest, in self-assumption greater

Than in the note of judgment; and worthier than himself

Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,

Disguise the holy strength of their command,

And underwrite in an observing kind

His humorous predominance; yea, watch

His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if

The passage and whole carriage of this action

Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add

That if he overhold his price so much

We'll none of him, but let him, like an engine

Not portable, lie under this report:

Bring action hither; this cannot go to war.

A stirring dwarf we do allowance give

Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.

Listen to me, Patroclus.

We've had enough of these answers;

but his evasions, quick as scorn makes them,

can't fool us.

He has great honour, and good reasons

why we give it to him.But all his virtues,

now that he's not living up to them,

are starting to look dirty in our eyes;

they're like sweet fruit in a dirty dish,

they'll rot if they're not tasted.Go and tell him

I have come to speak to him; and it will not be a lie

if you tell him we think he is too proud

and impolite, and that he thinks more of himself

than public opinion does; greater people than him

are waiting here while he assumes a rude and barbarous aloofness,

and they are reining in their holy right to command,

and are tolerating whatever mood is dominating him,

just watching him; yes, watching

his little tantrums, his mood swings, as if

the entire outcome of the war

depended on him.Go and tell him this, and add

that if he thinks he's too good for us

we'll have nothing to do with him, and he will

be like an siege engine which can't be shifted,

and we shall say this of him:

"Let's go, this is useless in war."

We shall be more favourable to a dwarf who wants to fight

than to a sleeping giant.Tell him that.

PATROCLUS.

I shall, and bring his answer presently.

Exit

I shall, and I'll bring you his answer shortly.

AGAMEMNON.

In second voice we'll not be satisfied;

We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.

I'm not being spoken to through an intermediary;

I've come to speak to him.Ulysses, go in to his tent.

Exit ULYSSES

AJAX.

What is he more than another?

What makes him better than anyone else?

AGAMEMNON.

No more than what he thinks he is.

Only his own opinion.

AJAX.

Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better

man than I am?

Is he that great?Do you think that he thinks he's a better

man than I am?

AGAMEMNON.

No question.

Without question.

AJAX.

Will you subscribe his thought and say he is?

Do you agree with him?