Teaching Kids to Think (29 page)
Read Teaching Kids to Think Online
Authors: Darlene Sweetland
It is very important for parents to be aware of how they deal with the sense of feeling overwhelmed, which children easily pick up on. Some children are energized by all the opportunities available to them, while others are anxious and stressed. Each child is different, and parents need to be aware of when their own response to the pressure is the driving force.
This is a very provocative time in our culture. Things are easy, rapidly evolving, and the advancements in technology are mind blowing. That is what makes falling into the traps of the Instant Gratification Generation so alluring. It happens without us even knowing it. If it is so easy for adults to be lured into the traps, imagine how easy it is for children and teens to fall into this way of life.
Putting It All Together
The Issue
The progressive advancements and conveniences of today's culture are so amazing. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of new ways to stay connected, get information, and deal with everyday problems.
The Trap
Because instant access to everything is so infused in our culture, most parents don't even realize they are acting with impatience. All the new technological developments and ways to get information are fun and entertaining. At the same time, it is so easy to get caught up in the wave of fast and easy, that this readily gets passed on to our children. Parents begin to model the exact patterns that they want their children to avoid.
The Alternative
The most important thing for parents to do is recognize it when they are getting caught up in the rip current of the fast pace and push toward instant gratification of this culture. Step back and look for everyday opportunities to slow down. This has been the way of life for most children and teens, so they are unaware of the opportunities they are missing or the poor habits that are being developed. Therefore, parents are going to need to slow the pace for them. In doing so, it means they need to have more patience and remain self-aware of their own tendencies to support the immediacy that is rampant in this generation.
There are many children who will express stress or anxiety related to the pressure they feel when trying to keep up with the pace. The following are signs of anxiety:
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Your child says regularly that he is not good enough or feeling inadequate.
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Your child talks about being “tired” all the time.
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Your child consistently compares herself with others.
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Your child is a good student, but is anxious that his performance is not good enough.
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Your child begins to miss school because she is run-down and needs the day off.
It is very important for parents to be aware of the signs that this may be occurring for their children. The next step is for the parent to closely examine what they may be doing or communicating that encourages such a fast pace and take steps to balance accomplishments and reasonable expectations.
C
HAPTER
13
Lessons Learned
Throughout this book, we have talked a lot about how the Instant Gratification Generation is at a considerable disadvantage when it comes to learning the wide variety of skills that are so important throughout childhood and into adulthood. Instant gratification is encouraged in so many aspects of their lives. Today's kids expect things to happen quickly, they have fewer daily opportunities to practice solving problems, and the pressures to excel at both school and extracurricular activities can be overwhelming. For this final chapter, let's briefly review the most common parenting traps and summarize the key recommendations that will help you take a more active approach to parenting, which will increase your children's ability to think, solve problems, and develop a healthy level of self-confidence. The goal is to raise
confident, independent, and thoughtful children
.
The Traps
Remember from
chapter 1
that a
parent trap
is a situation in which parents are drawn to solve problems or rescue their children in a way that ultimately stifles growth opportunities for their children. Every parent is faced with these situations on an almost daily basis. However, by understanding the trap and developing a plan to avoid it, a parent is setting her child up to be in a great position to take on a childhood full of opportunity.
The Rescue Trap
This is probably the most common trap we see parents encounter. Parents hate to see their children struggle at anything or be unhappy. As a result, parents often save their children from this experience by fixing their problems for them, as fast as possible. It makes sense at the time and doesn't feel like there would be any consequence to doing it. However, the more it happens, the more likely a child is to expect it. The consequence of this parental behavior is the child's learned expectation that things will be done for him and that he doesn't have the opportunity to learn to solve the problem himself.
The Hurried Trap
Parents want to do everything in their power for their children and that includes feeling pushed to meet their needs quickly. A prominent issue with the Instant Gratification Generation is the reluctance of our children and adolescents to wait for things. Even the simple act of waiting tends to create anxiety and uncertainty with children today and this is something that parents find difficult to watch, especially when they have it in their power to relieve the anxiety. It ends up that parents are pretty good at solving their children's problems quickly. Probably because it is usually fairly easy to do and has such an immediate impact on a child's happiness, it happens a lot. However, in doing so, they enable a pattern of instant gratification.
The Pressure Trap
All parents feel proud sharing their children's accomplishments. There is a consistent message to parents from school, coaches, family, and other parents that children should perform at the highest levels possible in each area of their lives. Parents work to help their children to be at the top of the class, the best player on a team, and have the most friends. Parents want their children to feel confident and good about themselves so they encourage extra enrichment to push their kids ahead. Societal expectations have driven many parents to question if they are doing enough to provide every possible opportunity for their child. Often the result of all this good intention is a child who is overscheduled and has very little free time to be a kid and deal with a child's problems. In addition, many children are pushed past their optimal developmental level, which becomes very overwhelming and can cause insecurity. The pressure trap often starts the day you know you are going to have a baby, but it is never too late to incorporate a healthy balance into both your life and your child's life.
The Giving Trap
Many parents have dreamt of being able to give their children everything they want, and parents certainly don't want their children to feel different. The result is that parents fall in the trap of giving material items that their kids didn't have to work for. We constantly marvel at the number of kids we interact with who have new smartphones, toys, and the latest fashions received as a matter of course rather than for some special occasion. When children get things without working for them, it plays right into the culture of instant gratification.
The Guilt Trap
Guilt is a very real issue in parenting. Parents don't ever want to be the cause for their child's unhappiness. Whether it is setting a limit or not giving in to a request, parents know they played a part when their child is upset. Often this guilt is self-imposed by the parent, and other times it is enhanced by the child's pleas. Either way, it is very tempting to give in to the guilt and give the child what he or she wants. In addition, in today's culture, families are extremely busy and often parents are working more hours. When parents feel guilty that they are disappointing their children because they are not available, they tend to overindulge their children to make up for it. This is bound to happen from time to time, but when it is established as an expectation of the child, it becomes a problem. It is actually developmentally normal for kids to try to make their parents feel guilty so they can get more things. It is the parent's job to identify the trap and implement a productive parenting strategy.
To this point we have focused on the traps that parents routinely face. Identifying the traps is an important component of making positive changes in one's parenting. The following section will address specific strategies to help with this change.
Positive Parenting Strategies
For this final chapter we would like to summarize the key recommendations that were integrated in different ways in each chapter of the book to provide an easy reference for the reader. The following strategies are the ones we have found to be the most effective from our work with hundreds of families over the last two decades.
Celebrate the Opportunity for Challenges
Things are easier for this generation. They get things quicker, have more aides to solve problems for them, and they clearly experience far fewer everyday inconveniences or challenges than past generations. While this sounds great, it means that they are also missing out. They are missing out on opportunities to practice solving problems and experiences to build their self-confidence. They are entering adulthood vastly underprepared because they have been
taught not to think
.
As discussed in depth throughout this book, the technological advances and pressures on parents have only reinforced the need for instant gratification. In addition, the conveniences of this generation are very alluring. They make it so easy for parents to rescue their children and take away times of frustration. In fact, things are only going to get easier in this regard. We too celebrate this time in our lives. But in order for children and teens to gain the experience necessary to tackle the challenges of adulthood, they need to experience challenges throughout their childhood.
We would like parents to rethink the way they view their children's trials and tribulations. We ask that parents celebrate them as an opportunity to practice using the skills that will be essential throughout the rest of their lives. Celebrate the mistakes and learn important information about your children as you watch them solve their problems.
Integrate Waiting at Each Age
For all the reasons discussed throughout this book, the Instant Gratification Generation is inundated with the expectation that things come easily and quickly to them. This is supported by the culture of technology, but it can be countered by parents.
Parents often talk to us about their concern with the challenges of this generation and are exasperated with not knowing what to do. Our first response is almost always to integrate waiting into their everyday experience. Because our culture is so infused with things that come quickly it is up to the parents to support waiting by providing daily opportunities for their children.
Waiting can be integrated into the daily lives of children of all ages. When a person is required to wait, it allows him to be thoughtful of his actions, observant of his environment, and considerate of others. It also gives him an opportunity to think. Many kids actually get anxious if they have to wait even a few seconds. If waiting becomes part of their everyday experience, they develop those personal qualities to tolerate and maybe even take advantage of it. If it does not, the transition into the adult world where those qualities are required can be quite difficult. The earlier you start the better.
Here are just a few simple ways to introduce waiting:
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More often than not, ask your child to wait when he asks you for those daily things, such as something to eat, to wash specific clothes, a ride, and so on. Toddlers can wait thirty seconds to two minutes for a snack or TV show, and teens can wait as long as you need them to.
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Never buy your child something in the store when something simply catches her interest. This sets up a strong pattern of immediate gratification.
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Always have your children work for extra things they may want. They can work for it and earn money or they can earn “credit” toward the item.
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Resist the temptation to soothe your child with an electronic device every time he has to wait for something. Let him figure out other ways to pass the time while he waits.
Help Children See They Are Part of a Family Unit
For children and teens to be conscientious and considerate as individuals, community members, and employees, they need to be aware of the people around them. Teachers, administrators, and coaches that we interviewed consistently listed social skills, awareness of others, and overall “people skills” as being some of the top characteristics they see in a successful student, athlete, and young adult.
Part of having great social skills is having an awareness of others around you. For some children this comes naturally, but others need to be taught and practice. One way to teach this is by helping your children see that they are part of the family unit. This means that all family members are considered when decisions are made.