Teaching Kids to Think (26 page)
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Authors: Darlene Sweetland
Managing Money
A thirteen-year-old girl got her first cell phone. The phone was intended for emergencies and so she could communicate with her parents. Her parents set up a limited data and usage plan. After the first month, they saw that she went over her minutes and was texting her friends; therefore, they increased her plan to include unlimited texting and more minutes. They talked with their daughter and set strict limits on her data usage. Despite their instructions, she downloaded so many programs that she far surpassed her data usage plan. Her parents succumbed and gave her unlimited data usage. At the end of six months, their twenty-dollars-per-month plan ballooned into a one-hundred-dollar monthly expense.
âDr. Ron
We can emphatically tell you that in our experience, one of the best predictors of dysfunction is when children and teens have few or no limits when it comes to spending. We see this with large amounts of money, such as brand-new cars for sixteenth birthdays, monthly purchases of very expensive designer clothes, and unlimited money for concerts and other wants and desires. However, most people don't have this luxury. In the majority of cases, parents who give their kids money for regular little things give kids the message that things are given, not earned. The sooner a child learns the value of money management the better.
Think about how many teenagers have phones that require monthly payments. Most teens know their parents pay for them, but how many know how much they cost? They just take it for granted that the phone will work each month. The apps that are added to their phones or devices can also cost money, but that expense is charged to a parent's credit card, so the teens typically don't know how much they are really spending. Also, consider the number of teens who buy a regular Starbucks drink or go out to eat with friends every day after school. This money adds up very quickly, but teenagers have no idea what the sum total of these purchases is.
We highly recommend that parents teach children and teens about the value of a dollar by sharing with them the costs of things that they are purchasing for their children. It is very important to share things, such as the phone bill, the amount of the extra charge for data usage, and the amount of money that was spent on add-ons, such as apps, songs, movies, and everything else one can purchase for and via a cell phone. Then compare that amount to the number of hours a person would need to work at a minimum wage job for $7.25 per hour to pay those fees.
If during the early years of your children's childhood, you missed the opportunity to teach the lessons that are emphasized in this book, money provides a powerful incentive to learn these lessons, no matter the age of your teenager or young adult. You are in charge of how much you give them and under what circumstances. You set the limit, and when it runs out, it runs out. Teenagers and young adults learn the best from natural consequences, and having a limit to money is a wonderful control mechanism. Let's take the following scenarios we have frequently encountered:
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A teenager shows up late because he was using his debit card to get food on the way to the appointment, but when he went to pay, his card was declined.
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A teen girl used her clothes allowance to buy expensive sunglasses, but then had no more money that month to replace physical education (PE) clothes that she lost, so she had to wear the “borrowed” PE clothes provided by the school.
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A college student used her monthly allowance to eat out every day rather than pack a lunch before class, so she ran out of money by the middle of the month.
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A young man didn't budget his monthly allowance, so he didn't have any left when he asked a girl out on a date.
Consequences for Unauthorized Spending
Children and teenagers should never be given access to their parents' money. They should never be given a credit card or debit card that the parent is responsible for paying. Some families decide to provide an “emergency card” that should only be used for things such as car breakdowns, medical emergencies, or with a parent's permission for a specific reason. For all other spending they can be given an arranged amount of cash, a prepaid debit card, or a debit card that they manage on their own. This allows for the opportunity to learn from natural consequences if they mismanage their money.
Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are those that are not imposed by the parents, but are outcomes that follow money spending. For example, the merchants tell them they don't have the money if their cards are declined, not the parents. When an event comes up and they are not able to participate because they didn't manage their money well, it is their bank account that will tell them no. For teens in this generation who are used to getting things quickly and without planning, this can be a powerful experience. In addition, it takes away the power struggle and arguments with parents because their parents were not the ones who declined them.
Imposed Consequences
Parents ask us all the time what they should do when their children spend money that is not authorized.
First, preview what will happen if your child spends your money without your permission. Nowadays children and teens need accounts with an attached debit or credit card to even use their own funds online. For example, if a kid wants to redeem an iTunes gift card, it needs to be attached to an account with a card on fileâtypically her parents'. When the amount on the gift card runs out, the child still has access to the account and can spend her mom's or dad's money. Very often kids don't think their “small” purchases even have an effect. Children and teens need to know the limitations of any spending in connection to their parents' money. They also need to know that permission is necessary anytime they spend their parents' money, including things for purchase on a computer, video game, or phone that is paid for with their parents' debit or credit card.
Second, set the consequences.
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Show your child the total amount that was “taken” from you.
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Require your child to pay back all that was spent. If he does not have the money, set up jobs to do to earn the money. Make the hourly wage equivalent to a minimum wage job. Earning the money should not be easy. For example, your child should not be given a dollar for taking the garbage out one time that takes two minutes. Instead, it is five dollars for taking it out once per day for a week. Also, he doesn't get a choice about whether this is worth it. You get to choose how he pays you back. If you don't mind taking out the garbage, but you don't like doing laundry, then have your child do the laundry. Remember, he took the money from you. Therefore, you get to decide.
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Depending on the intention to spend the money, consequences about future money and allowance should be set. If she accidentally purchased an app for a minimum amount, the consequence would not be nearly what it would be if she purposefully hid the spending and spent a larger amount on something that broke established family rules.
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Under no circumstance should your child get any additional money from you until the full amount is paid off.
Balancing Multiple Responsibilities
One of the best things you can do to help your budding young adult is teach him to manage multiple responsibilities at the same timeâthe juggling act. This means making sure he is responsible for school and extracurricular activities, as well as things such as laundry, preparing meals, and running errands for the family. You will want to introduce these extra responsibilities gradually, but it is important that this becomes an expectation.
By the time adolescents are in their last years of high school, they are used to following a structured schedule of school and extracurricular activities. However, most don't yet have the practice with balancing the other things that are typically taken care of by their parents. Yet this practice is so important in preparing them for the time when they are not at home and this luxury disappears.
We hear from parents all the time that the last two years of high school are so busy for their child that there is no time for them to do the “extra” things. True, those last two years are very busy with prepping for SAT or ACT exams and completing college applications. In fact, that is what makes it the best time to make sure there are additional everyday things for them to be attending to at that same time. Not only is it the time that their brains are ready to develop these connections (see
chapter 5
), but it is also what they will be expected to do only a year or two later post high school. If they do not practice now, when will they get the practice?
Reinforce the Idea of Considering Others
Older teens and young adults need to be included in the household responsibilities. This not only teaches the organization and planning required for adult life, but it reminds them that they are part of a family unit and they need to consider other people as they are making their way through life. They need to know that they are a valuable and needed member of the group and that their contribution really helps out the family.
As teens get older, their lives do truly become very busy. In fact, there will be periods that they just don't have the time to maintain all the family responsibilities while taking care of their personal responsibilities. This is a perfect time to teach your budding young adult how to ask for help, not expect to be rescued. “Hey, Mom, I have to study for a test and finish a project. Can you please wash my PE clothes for me?” We all need help at times, and it is perfectly OK to support your children by helping them out. In fact, it keeps your relationship strong in the tumultuous teen years. You can also model this by doing the same thing. If you are really busy and could use help getting dinner started, with laundry, or to pick up some things at the store, you should feel very comfortable asking your children for assistance. Not only are they a big help, but it gives you great reasons to give them a lot of positive praise for being responsible and mature.
Does My Child Have a Problem with Procrastination, or Is He Not Ready to Launch?
I was working with a sixteen-year-old boy who was in his sophomore year of high school. His mother called me because she was wondering about school placements for her son. She shared that he was not in the right school because two of his teachers were “horrible.” It turned out this boy had a habit of taking between twelve and fifteen “mental health days” per semester. His mother said that he gets really tired with all the pressure and can't do the work at school, but could at home where he was relaxed. When this began, the school would provide her with the work and the boy would do it at home. Once he reached tenth grade, two of his teachers stopped responding to Mom's requests. They said the boy needed to contact them and get the work himself. This made her very angry and she changed her son's school. She thought that fixed the problem, so she didn't need to bring her son in to see me anymore. Fast-forward to his senior year and Mom called again. She said that her son did not start any of his college applications and she needed help because she could not do them all herself.
âDr. Darlene
Just because a student has the academic record to get accepted into a choice college does not mean that student is ready to take on the responsibility required to be a successful college student. On multiple occasions, we have received calls from a parent whose child successfully graduated from high school and was accepted into a school of her choice. After the first semester or two, the student wanted to come home. The experience was not what she expected, she was feeling overwhelmed with the academic challenges, or she was having difficulty socially or with living in a dorm or apartment. Some parents try to find excuses, such as “The school was not a good fit,” or “There was a bad roommate situation.” But the fact was that most often, the student was just not prepared.
Is It Just Procrastination?
Parent:
Dr. Sweetland, we need your help. It is November and Sue has not begun her college applications yet.
Completing college applications can be a very daunting prospect for most teenagers. In fact, most students need the support from the adults around them to figure out how to organize the information and set a plan about collecting all the materials and completing each application. If you have a child who is prone to procrastination, you will likely see it during this process.
At the same time, if you have a child who is not ready to take on the challenge of a four-year college away from home, he or she is likely to cover it up by making it appear to be procrastination. So how do you know the difference?
Signs of Procrastination
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The child waits until the last minute to complete work.
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The child has a plan and assumes it will go smoothly, even if it is not a well-thought-out plan.
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The child exhibits poor time management.
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The child misses out on activities because he has to finish projects.
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The child experiences increased stress because there was not a comfortable amount of time to complete something.
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The child fails to account for unexpected delays in work completion (e.g., computer froze, printer broke, discovered an instruction he or she wasn't prepared for).
Notice that students who procrastinate have a plan and assume they have enough time to follow their plan. These are students who are confident that they have left themselves enough time to complete the work and rationalize this at each step when they put off doing it. They just tend to underestimate the amount of time it will take to complete tasks and they don't account for unexpected things happening so they end up scrambling to finish things at the last minute.