Teaching Kids to Think (30 page)

Think of the difference between the teen who says, “Mom, I need you to drive me to Jane's tonight” versus “Mom, do you have time to give me a ride to Jane's tonight?” If Mom lets the teen know she has other plans that night and can't drive her, the first teen is likely to get angry and perhaps also frustrated. On the other hand, the second teen is likely to try to solve the problem with her mom. She considered the circumstances of her mother as well as herself, which is the core of being a part of the family unit.

Focus on the Process over the Product

The pressures parents feel for their children to achieve is so strong for this generation. The comparisons that occur between families, students, and athletes occur frequently. The result is an emphasis on objective things, such as grades, trophies, and awards instead of the work a child may put toward meeting a goal.

Parents tend to gravitate toward the objective things because they are concrete, measurable, and easy to talk about. On the other hand, it is the work, planning, and effort a child puts toward achieving a goal that offers them practice in developing the skills discussed in this book and is the core of
Teaching Kids to Think
. In fact, children who struggle and learn how to overcome and compensate for challenges develop stronger life skills and resiliency than those who achieve things easily. The work needs to be celebrated even more than the outcome.

Teach Them to Work for It

Because so many things come easily to children and teens in this generation, it is easy to see how they get used to getting things without working for them. They develop a very low frustration tolerance when things don't go as expected.

We believe in the idea of earning things over getting things. Even young children can be taught that they need to help with tasks to earn things they want. It is sometimes helpful to think of these “things” (toys, video games, clothes, smartphones) as goals. Based on the age of your child, you can help him develop a way to meet his goal or you can ask him to present you with a plan to meet his goal. Kids can earn money or credit by helping around the house, saving money, doing extra work at home, improving their effort at school, or even by showing progress in an aspect of their life that they are working on.

The bottom line is that most things hold more meaning when they are earned than when they are given for no apparent reason. Birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions are plenty of opportunity to give things to our children as unearned gifts. Maybe the best gift you can give them is the knowledge that they can make a plan to get the special things they want all by themselves.

Teaching Kids to Think

Teaching Kids to Think: Raising Confident, Independent, and Thoughtful Children in an Age of Instant Gratification
is the result of decades of meaningful work with great families. We hope you find our explanation of common parent traps useful and that by following some of our specific suggestions you help your kids achieve their goals and prepare them to take on the world. By providing specific strategies for a wide variety of childhood issues, it is our hope that you found something that applies to your family.

Acknowledgments

It goes without saying that countless people have contributed to this project in ways that they may never know. Sometimes we needed the little things like simple words of encouragement and a gentle nudge to keep working. Other times we needed someone to bounce ideas off of or insights into the scary world of publishing. To all of you we offer a heartfelt thank-you.

None of this would have been possible without the amazing families that we work with. They come to our office looking for support, and in that process, they share their secrets, fears, and worries. It is said that asking for help is one of the hardest things to do, so we thank the brave families that have let us into their lives and asked for help.

We interviewed many teachers, school administrators, coaches, and employers when writing this book. They provided numerous examples and insights about their experiences with the challenges they face with this generation of kids. We are so grateful for their time and expertise in sharing what they know. They are clearly very passionate and committed to raising children to be confident, independent, and thoughtful.

We also need to thank Donna Pinto. Donna is an accomplished author and editor in her own right, and we greatly value her opinion and critical edit of our work. She helped us organize our thoughts, and as she read our work, she gave us confidence that we were on the right track.

Family is everything to us. We are both so fortunate to have parents who taught us to dream big. Darryl and Barbara Sweetland and Roger and Mary Stolberg have been a never-ending source of encouragement and support. Our children, Aaron and Drew, have been equally important in this regard, as they remind us daily that being a parent is the greatest job in the world. We are eternally grateful to all of them.

Our agent, Jill Marr, and the entire Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency has shown such positive enthusiasm about this project from the start. We knew after only a few minutes with Jill that she was the one we wanted representing us and this book. She understood our message and had faith that this book would communicate it well. It has been so comforting to us knowing that she was as committed and passionate about this project as we were.

Finally, none of this would be possible without the fullest support of our editorial director, Shana Drehs, at Sourcebooks Inc. We have no doubt that Shana and her talented team of editors have refined and improved our message in ways we simply could not have done on our own. We are confident that we have the best team working with us to make this project everything we ever dreamt it could be.

Notes

Note:
Online resources were most recently accessed in July 2014.

Introduction

1
.
Joel Stein, “Millennials: The Me Me Me Generation,”
Time
, May 20, 2013,
http://time.com/247/millennials-the-me-me-me-generation
; Mickey Goodman, “Are We Raising a Generation of Helpless Kids?” Huffington Post,
www.huffingtonpost.com/Mickey-goodman/are-we-raising-a-generati_b_1249706.html
.

2
.
Yolanda Williams, “The Silent Generation: Definition, Characteristics & Facts,”
Education-portal.com
,
http://education-portal.com/academy/lesson/the-silent-generation-definition-characteristics-facts.html#lesson
.

3
.
Gary Gilles, “What Are Baby Boomers?—Definition, Age & Characteristics,”
Education-portal.com
,
http://education-portal.com/academy/lesson/what-are-baby-boomers-definition-age-characteristics.html#lesson
.

4
.
Andrea McKay, “Generation X: Definition, Characteristics & Quiz,”
Education-portal.com
,
www.education-portal.com/academy/lesson/generation-x-definition-characteristics-quiz.html#lesson
.

5
.
Chevette Alston, “Generation Y: Definition, Characteristics & Personality Traits,”
Education-portal.com
,
www.education-portal.com/academy/lesson/generation-y-definition-characteristics-personality-traits.html#lesson
.

6
.
Candace Sweat, “Expert Says New Generation Wants Instant Gratification. Are Parents to Blame?” Alabama's ABC 33/40,
www.abc3340.com/story/17115375/expert-says-new-generation-wants-instant-gratification-are-parents-to-blame
.

Chapter 1

1
.
Walter Mischel and Ebbe B. Ebbesen, “Attention in Delay of Gratification,”
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
16, no. 2 (1970): 329–37.

2
.
Yuichi Shoda, Walter Mischel, and Philip K. Peake, “Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regulatory Competencies from Preschool Delay of Gratification: Identifying Diagnostic Conditions,”
Developmental Psychology
26, no. 6 (1990): 978–86.

3
.
Walter Mischel, Yuichi Shoda, and Monica L. Rodriguez, “Delay of Gratification in Children,”
Science
, New Series 244, no. 4907 (1989): 933–38.

4
.
Kevin G. Hall, “Teen Employment Hits Record Lows Suggesting Lost Generation,” McClatchy DC, Washington Bureau,
www.mcclatchydc.com/2013/08/29/200769/teen-employment-hits-record-lows.html
.

Chapter 2

1
.
Kendra Cherry, “The 4 Stages of Cognitive Development in Young Children,”
About.com
Psychology,
http://psychology.about.com/od/piagetstheory/a/keyconcepts.htm
.

Chapter 3

1
.
Kate Bayless, “What Is Helicopter Parenting?”
Parents Magazine
,
www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting
.

2
.
GypsyNesters, “Are You a Snow Plow Parent? 7 Modern Parenting Terms,” Huffington Post,
www.huffingtonpost.com/the-gypsynesters/parenting_b_1894237.html
.

3
.
National Center for Safe Routes to School, “How Children Get to School: School Travel Patterns from 1969 to 2009,”
www.saferoutesinfo.org/sites/default/files/resources/NHTS_school_travel_report_2011_0.pdf
.

Chapter 4

1
.
Erik H. Erikson,
Childhood and Society
(New York: Norton, 1950).

2
.
Erik H. Erikson,
Identity and the Life Cycle
(New York: Norton, 1980).

3
.
Jean Piaget,
Biology and Knowledge: An Essay on the Relations between Organic Regulations and Cognitive Processes
(Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1971).

4
.
Kendra Cherry, “All about Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development,”
About.com
Psychology,
http://psychology.about.com/od/developmentalpsychology/a/kohlberg.htm
.

5
.
Lawrence Kohlberg, “The Development of Children's Orientations toward a Moral Order: I. Sequence in the Development of Moral Thought,”
Human Development
6, no. 1–2 (1963): 11–33.

Chapter 5

1
.
Erikson,
Childhood and Society
; Piaget,
Biology and Knowledge
.

2
.
“Critical Period (Psychology),”
Reference.MD.com
,
www.reference.md/files/D003/mD003423.html
.

3
.
Jacqueline S. Johnson and Elissa L. Newport, “Critical Period Effects in Second Language Learning: The Influence of Maturational State on the Acquisition of English as a Second Language,”
Cognitive Psychology
21, no. 1 (1989): 60–99.

4
.
David Birdsong, ed.,
Second Language Acquisition and the Critical Period Hypothesis
(Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum, 1999).

5
.
Sarah-Jayne Blakemore and Suparna Choudhury, “Development of the Adolescent Brain: Implications for Executive Function and Social Cognition,”
Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry
47, no. 3–4 (2006): 296–312.

6
.
Rachel Keen, “The Development of Problem Solving in Young Children: A Critical Cognitive Skill,”
Annual Review of Psychology
62, no. 1 (2011): 1–21.

Chapter 6

1
.
Mark Schneider, “Finishing the First Lap: The Cost of First-Year Student Attrition in America's Four-Year Colleges and Universities,” American Institutes for Research,
www.air.org/resource/finishing-first-lap-cost-first-year-student-attrition-america%E2%80%99s-four-year-colleges-and
.

2
.
Karen Arenson, “Applications to Colleges Are Breaking Records,”
New York Times
,
www.nytimes.com/2008/01/17/education/17admissions.html?_r=0
.