Teaching Kids to Think (25 page)
Read Teaching Kids to Think Online
Authors: Darlene Sweetland
Help Teens Navigate the Evidence
When talking with teens about substance use, they are going to assume that your views are biased because you are old or trying to trick them. They often feel they know better and have more up-to-date information. Sharing your views without evidence to back them up is likely to elicit doubt. It can be really helpful to find some data to show how substances impact them in a physical sense. That way you are sharing not just your opinion but facts. For example, Elizabeth Lander's article, “Teen Brain More Prone to Drug, Alcohol Damage,” shows how substance use impacts the adolescent brain.
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When they show you their evidence that using substances is OK, go through it with them and educate them about what they are reading. It might help to have prepared for this exercise by spending some time reading up on the balanced research being done by reputable universities and research laboratories.
Signs of Drug and Alcohol Use
A family came in to see me for some parenting advice. They found some marijuana in their son's dresser drawer and weren't sure how to handle it. They were relieved to hear that their son was actually only holding it for a friend who couldn't bring it home that day after school. A few weeks later, a package was delivered to the home that contained several glass tubes similar to ones used in a chemistry lab, but also just like the ones used to smoke drugs. Since it worked the first time, the boy said they were “for a friend.” He stated that he knew nothing about the package and that one of his friends must have ordered it and had it delivered to his house so he wouldn't get caught by his own parents. I pointed out to the family that as much as they wanted to believe their son's stories, they needed to pay attention to the obvious signs of drug use, and we developed a plan to address it.
âDr. Ron
In other parts of this book, we encouraged letting children make mistakes in the hope that they will learn important lessons about solving problems. Use or abuse of illicit drugs and alcohol is
not
one of those situations. With drug use, the risk of mental, physical, or emotional problems following each incident warrants careful monitoring and action when needed.
Parents need to be aware of what to look for when determining if their child is using drugs or alcohol. It is too important to his health and safety to overlook or ignore warning signs. Being familiar with the signs of drug and alcohol use is a great place to start. These signs can essentially be broken down into two broad categories: changes in behavior and changes in appearance.
Changes in Behavior
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Subtle Signs:
In most cases, an abrupt change to a child's behavior is generally rare, so you need to pay attention to gradual changes in behavior. Some of the most common early behavioral signs of drug and alcohol use include being unusually tired, excessively angry, and very secretive. Drug and alcohol use is associated with a decrease in motivation and being withdrawn from their usual friends and activities.
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Overt Signs:
A lack of balance or coordination is a common sign during or directly after substance use. Consider violations of curfew, sneaking out, and money problems to be serious issues that can be associated with using, selling, or acquiring substances. You may see an increase in secretive communications with new friends and a vigilant attempt to keep emails, phone calls, and texts private by immediately deleting them. An increase in aggression including volatile arguments and fighting may occur as well.
Changes in Appearance
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Subtle Signs:
None of these are surefire indicators of drug use, but they are still important markers to examine. Look for changes in hygiene, poor personal grooming, and a messy appearance. Kids who use drugs and alcohol start to look physically different too. Significant and rapid weight loss or weight gain can be directly related to certain classes of substances.
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Overt Signs:
When someone is using or has recently used drugs and alcohol, you may see red or flushed cheeks and difficulty focusing his eyes on something specific. Another serious sign to consider may be burns on his lips or fingers, bruising, signs he has been in fights, and signs that he may not be in good health.
Talk about It
If you have witnessed signs that lead you to believe that your child is drinking or using drugs, it is important to come right out and ask her about it. Research indicates that children develop better self-control and have more negative perceptions about substance use behaviors when parents and children can talk openly about drugs and alcohol. Ignoring the signs and hoping that they go away on their own is simply too risky.
My Kids Wouldn't Do That
In our counseling practices, we see a lot of kids who are responsible, doing well in school, respectful to adults, and pretty open with their parents. But even those kids are exposed to drug and alcohol use and are not immune to the temptations of all other teenagers. It is really important that parents remain aware of the risks and signs even if they don't feel that their children are vulnerable to making the choice to drink or do drugs.
Help Your Child Practice Making Excuses
At some point, most children are faced with the opportunity to say yes or no when offered alcohol or drugs. It would be great if every child were able to look her friends in the eye and say that she didn't want to use substances or drink alcohol, but for many children and teens, this is not easy. If your child doesn't have the ability to simply say no, having an excuse is a great alternative. A helpful gift to give your children is an excuse that is accepted by their friends. The following are some of the good ones:
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“My parents drug test me every week, and if I test positive, I have to enter a drug rehab program.”
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“My parents bought one of those Breathalyzers, and they test me when I get home at night. If I test positive, I lose my license.”
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“I have tried that, but it's not my thing.”
Whether students are attracted to drugs and alcohol because they want to be socially accepted, to avoid the stress they are feeling, to enhance their performance, or simply to have fun, they are adamantly finding reasons to justify that their choices are safe. They want a quick answer and they are impulsively acting on the easiest solution that feels good in the moment, which is the core risk for the Instant Gratification Generation.
Putting It All Together
The Issue
It is scary to think about the possibility that your child may be exposed to drugs or alcoholâor even use them. If you have these concerns, it requires a lot of time, monitoring, and conflict with your child. It is a huge commitment to do what it takes to monitor it closely. Many parents are too anxious about what they will find or how to deal with it to address the issue with their children directly.
The Trap
Children and teens aren't the only ones who believe “it will never happen to them.” Parents also are reluctant to consider their children making the choice to use alcohol or do drugs, particularly if they are generally considerate and do well in school. Parents tend to focus more on the progress toward college than keeping up to date on the latest fads in drug use and whether their children are showing signs of use. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of denial.
The Alternative
Throughout this book, we encourage parents to allow their children and teens to make mistakes and learn lessons and skills from the consequences that follow. When drug and alcohol use are involved, this is not the case. There are serious risks with substance use, and parents need to be actively involved in monitoring and guiding their children.
When parents and children can have healthy conversations about drug and alcohol use, it actually reduces the likelihood of problems developing down the road. Having clear understandings about the illegal use of substances and the consequences of using is another important conversation to have. Always let your children know that you love them enough to take appropriate steps to keep them healthy. Along these lines, parents need to be aware of the signs and symptoms of drug and alcohol use and not ignore them if they are present. If parents suspect their child is using drugs or alcohol in a manner that concerns them, they must act. Too much is on the line to sit back and hope that things will turn out for the best.
C
HAPTER
11
Will Your Child Be Ready to Launch?
I received a frantic call from a couple wanting consultation about their nineteen-year-old daughter who failed to finish her first semester at an elite university. The mother shared that “they” worked very hard for her to earn the grades and SAT scores to be accepted into this school and she was confused about what happened. She went on to say that she made sure her daughter had the best tutoring, reputable SAT prep, and she edited all her daughter's high school papers to make sure that she was doing high-caliber work. The family was thrilled when her daughter was accepted into the college of her choice and wanted to know what went wrong.
âDr. Darlene
Don't Stop Teaching
Chances are, you recognized yourselvesâand your childrenâin the previous chapters of this book. Mistakes were made on both sides, and opportunities to let your child practice independent problem-solving and critical-thinking skills may have been missed. It's all part of raising a child in the Instant Gratification Generation, and you are probably wondering what to do now that your child is a teenager. Don't give up. It will be difficult to undo the patterns your child has developed, but it is possible. If he or she is in the last two years of high school (or was not successful at “flying solo” when leaving home the first time), there are several things to do to teach the skills of conscientious planning, decision making, and goal-oriented actions.
Driving
Driving offers the perfect opportunity to teach the skills required for an adult to lead a conscientious and independent life. Think about all the things that are required to have the privilege of driving. A person must do the following things:
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The person must take the initiative to sign up and complete a driver's education course.
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The person must prepare, schedule, take, and pass the driving test.
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The person must organize time to do this around other responsibilities (e.g., school, sports, music, chores).
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The person must be conscientious of others on the road.
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The person must pay attention to multiple things going on at once.
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The person must utilize planning and problem solving with driving directions and time management.
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The person must practice delayed gratification. If he hears his cell phone chirp while driving, he can't look at or answer it.
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The person must earn money for gas, insurance, and vehicle maintenance.
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The person must set limits with peers around being the “driver” all the time or letting others ride in the car before they are legally able.
Parents tend to get very excited (as well as worried) about their children driving. They remember when they were fifteen or sixteen and got their learner's permit. Then on their sixteenth birthday, or soon thereafter, they were at the Department of Motor Vehicles to get their license. This was easier a generation or two ago when driver's education was taught at school and the coursework required was planned into a teenager's schedule. Now many teenagers have to take a driver's education course on their own time through a private company. Guess what? This requires planning and organization, as well as initiative on the part of the teenager to meet the goal.
An important concept for parents to remember is that if a teenager does not have the skills to organize the information needed to sign up for driver's education and complete and pass the class on his or her own, then he or she doesn't have the level of responsibility needed to be driving a car.
Don't Push Them to Get a License
If teenagers are not showing the responsibility to register for and take the driver's education courses themselves, they should not be pushed, bribed, nagged, or enticed in any other way by their parents. Many times, they are not doing it due to a lack of organization or even laziness, which is even more reason to wait until they show the initiative to do it on their own.
If a teenager is emotionally ready to drive, but too lazy or dependent on others to get a license, it is important for his mom and dad to stop making it too easy. Parents should not support their teens by continuing to drive them around. Instead, if they stop being their child's shuttle service, he will need to get a license to go where he wants to go.
How It Works
1.
Rides should only be to and from school if the walk is too far; otherwise, walking should occur several times per week. Typically, a parent is around to give the ride to school, but it is not always convenient to be back for the ride home. If it is not convenient and the walking distance is safe and reasonable, have her walk home.
2.
For any social activities, she will need to start finding her own rides. If she doesn't have a ride, she can't go to the activity. Again, at times it may be convenient for the parent to give her a ride and that is OK, but this can't be the norm.
3.
Don't go out of your way to change your schedule for unplanned rides to various destinations, such as activities, to purchase things, to see a friend, unless it is to meet one of her responsibilities.
The Response
“I know you want me to drive you there, but I am not available. When you are ready, you can sign up for (or finish) that driver's education course. Then you will be able to earn your own driver's license.”