Tangled Dreams (17 page)

Resting his head on top of hers, “Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?”

“No.” Closing my eyes tightly and smiling.

“Well you do.”

“Thank you. You don’t look to bad yourself. You smell great to. A far cry from that manure cologne you were wearing the other night.” I said teasing him.

Laughing, “Well, since you like it so much I’ll have to bust it back out for you sometime.”

Turning serious, “I wouldn’t care to much just as long as you were near.” I said holding on tightly to him while he gave me a kiss on the top of the head. “I’m sorry for ruining your Homecoming.”

“Madison, you didn’t ruin my Homecoming if anything it didn’t improve until this moment.”

“Can I ask you a question Gavin?”

“Anything babe.”

“Why is it as much as we keep pushing each other away we always end up like this again.”

“I’m just irresistible.” Teasing her.

“Yes you are.” I said in all seriousness.

Which made his heart hitch a little. When the music stopped he reluctantly pulled away from her. “Well, I guess we better go and get you warm”

“Yeah, I guess so. I almost don’t want the night to end.”

“You wanna go back inside?”

“Hell no.” I said giggling.

“Thought so.” Grinning and draping an arm around her to keep her warm as they walked back to the truck. “We still got a couple hours if you don’t want to go home we can find something else to do.”

“I’d like to just have some quiet time.”

“Oh.” he said disappointed. “We’ll go home then.”

“Oh, no. I meant you and me and quiet. As in I don’t want to be around people anymore. Just somewhere warm will be fine.”

Perking back up, “Alright, lets just get into the truck, crank the heater and drive for a while.”

“Sounds perfect.” I said as he opened up the truck door and helped me inside.

Getting in next to her he thought about how she looked way to gorgeous and classy to be in a rundown beat up truck with the likes of him.

As soon as I got in I kicked my heels off and brought my legs up on the seat to try to get warm.

Starting up the truck he took a quick gaze at her long legs and wondered what they felt like with those pantie hose over top of them. “Cold babe?”

“Yeah, very.” Cranking up the heater he put it into drive and took off surprised that she slid over next to him to get warm.

“You want your jacket back?”

“Nah, it looks better on you anyways.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far. Where are we going anyways?”

“I thought we would go find a quiet place to sit, like you requested.”

“Great. Gavin?”

“Yeah?” He said as he pulled into a road that lead into a sitting place back into a park.

“I’m sorry about the way I have been treating you.”

“Madison, you don’t have to apologize.” Putting his hands up on the steering wheel laying his forehead down against it. “I don’t know why your doing what your doing. I know you have been through hell. I just wish sometimes you would let me in. Not only when your upset, but when your happy to. I always feel like there is this huge wall between us, and you only let me get so close and then you shut me out again.”

“I know Gavin.” I said reaching up to run my fingers through his hair.

Still looking down, “Will you ever tell me what is really holding you back from me?”

Dropping my hand down into my lap, “Why do you think there is something else holding me back from you?”

“C’mon Maddie. You can’t tell me my parents is the only reason your holding back. I know if that was the whole reason, we could find a way to make it work.” Turning his head to look at her while she looked down into her lap now. Putting his hand in her lap and grabbing her hand he just wanted to lean in and kiss her so badly that it shook him all up inside. Which was something he had never been accustomed to until she crashed into his life. “It’s alright.” He said when she said nothing. “I just hope one day you can give me a reason for all of this so that I can understand.”

Sitting here I wanted to open up to him so badly but how could you tell someone, “yeah I love you but, I’m afraid of losing you like everyone else in my life.” He would never understand and would probably think I was being stupid. The thought of opening completely up to him and losing him one day like I did with daddy was to horrible of a thought to bear. To even consider. Plus, Uncle William was a major problem. He would never allow it. Yeah, we could sneak around and I wouldn’t feel guilty for one second about betraying Uncle William but my aunt was a different story. I could never hurt her. She has been so kind to me in every way and tried to make me feel like part of the family and like one of her daughters. I could never sneak around behind her back.

“Well, I just hope it isn’t something I’m doing wrong.”

“Oh, God Gavin. Don’t think that. Don’t ever think that.” I said squeezing his hand. “You have been nothing but, total perfection. Even when I was mad at you, I wasn’t really. I was mad at myself.”

“Why do you say that? I have been a total ass at times and have let my anger get the best of me.”

“Nah, even when you’ve been angry at me, you have been so kind and so gentle. I don’t deserve you at all.”

“Maddie, is that what you think? That you don’t deserve me?” He said shifting around to look at me.

“That is some of it.”

“Well, it’s not true. If anything I don’t deserve you. So, what is all of it?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Damn it Madison it does to me.” Pounding his fist on the steering wheel. “How can I fix something if you won’t tell me what’s broken.” His voice almost in pain.

“Gavin, it isn’t anything you can fix, because you are so perfect to me. I am the one who is broken.”

“Maddie.” He said pulling me close into his arms. “You have been through so much but, you are far from being broken.”

“I am not good for you Gavin.”

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that.” Pulling me in so close that I couldn’t resist him. “Well, I’m not going to keep pushing you about this. I just hope that one day you’ll come to me openly and I hope it’s soon. I just wish you could trust me.”

“I know Gavin. You won’t wait around forever, and I don’t expect you to.” “That’s the problem Maddie for you I just might wait forever.” He said releasing me and putting the truck into drive.

Days have turned into weeks and winter is now upon us full force. School is going by a lot faster that I thought it would. I have been getting along decent enough. Clay and I haven’t spoken since we broke up and all of his friends seem to dislike me now. Especially, the girls. In my opinion they are just afraid that I would take him back and they wouldn’t have him anymore. I still catch him staring at me but, that chapter of my life I slammed the book shut on already. I don’t plan on going back for another read through.

Since our talk on Homecoming night Gavin is now the one pulling away. We talk and he is nice enough to me but, it’s and empty kind of nice. Very short and sweet. Almost like he’s shut that amazing part of himself off to me. And I know I deserve it. I know I’m being selfish but, it is starting to feel like he is moving on without me. I always thought when this did happen I would get through it. That it was a necessary pain but, now that it is really happening it is starting to scare me. I really could lose him forever and the thought of that scares the hell out of me.

I sit in my bedroom and try to imagine my life without him, and I just can’t do it. Then even worse I try to imagine my future without him and it just rips my heart out. I wish I could tell him these things but, it’s just not possible. Besides, he’s already gotten early acceptance to a few colleges for full scholarships for baseball, so he’ll be leaving the end of the summer after his senior year. I just feel totally jipped. I just got him in my life and now he’ll be walking out of it. Granted Uncle William thinks going to college and playing ball is a total waste of time even if he doesn’t have to pay for it. He thinks he should stay and work at the farm full time. I think he’s delusional. Gavin is meant for greatness, not helping his father shovel shit stalls for the rest of his life. But, there is a lot of the school year left and even if we aren’t on the same page at least he’s still here.

Everyday seemed to be the same. I go to school, come home, do my chores, help make supper, eat supper, go upstairs to do my homework, then go to bed. And every day starts and ends this way with very little interaction between me and anyone else to be honest with you. I know I have been pulling away from everyone, and my bedroom is the place I retreat to frequently especially now since it is so cold and I can’t go down by the creek any more. Gavin and I pass each other in the hall or in the stairs and barely give each other a glance and keep careful not to even brush arms. Once in a while I catch him looking at me with eyes of concern which he would then look away quickly. I sometimes sit at my bedroom window in the evening and watch him work outside that way I know he won’t catch me. I miss him so much and having him in the very next room is pure torture. There are many times I have my hand on the door knob going into his room and then find myself jerking back before I make that mistake. I forced him to move on hoping he wouldn’t get as attached to me as I have to him and now I have to deal with the consequences. Thank God he never fell in love with me like I have with him. I thought sadly to myself it would only make it that much harder to stay away from him. I find myself many times trying not to look at him at all anymore. I know he is worried about me and the thought of him being concerned makes me feel worse.

Laying in the room next to hers he couldn’t understand why she was acting this way. She had pulled herself away from everyone, she rarely talked at school to anyone, even her friend Andrea. She never raised her hand in class even though he knew she was the smartest person in class and could easily answer any question. Even being on the honor roll. She doesn’t speak at home and gives short answers or a head nod when someone does ask her a question. Even dad who is usually all for her not speaking or being in his vicinity seems to be getting annoyed with the silence she has been giving everyone. She still gives the twins some time but always uses the excuse of homework which works since she’s a 4.0 student. So, dad doesn’t give her a hard time about spending so much time on her homework and seems to be at least a little pleased that she is doing so well at school. He figures if you are going to spend time away from the farm to go to school then you better damn well excel in it and that she does. I still hear her crying out at night, almost every night from her still having her nightmares. Still even now that we hardly speak a word to each other I still want to run in her bedroom to grab her tight and make her feel better. We have always had a yo yo relationship, if you want to call it a relationship. Every time we start connecting again you can see the alarm in her eyes and she starts pulling back. Well, this time she got the job done thinking really angry. Pissed off even more for caring. I’ve never cared for any girl like this before and it scares the hell out of me. Knowing that she doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do her eats me up inside every day. I have to respect how she feels, she’s been through to much to have to worry about me. She has succeeded really well in pulling away this time. Before I could blame It on Clay. That she was more interested in him but now she has been leaning on no one. Not that she did very much leaning before. I just wish she would quit being so damn stubborn. Even if she doesn’t want to be with me I would still be here for her and be her friend no matter how hard that would be for me. The part that kills me the most is knowing how very much she affects me. One smile from her can make me the happiest person in the world just like one tear from her can send me down to rock bottom.

The ride to school in Gavin’s truck is really the closest we get to each other lately, and when I glance over at him, I think of the night at homecoming when he pulled me close under the tree for a dance. I remember how his arms felt around me. I close my eyes and try to remember just how good that felt so I never forget how being in love is supposed to feel.

As I headed into the school building I still feel like an alien, and whatever acceptance I did feel left after I broke up with Clay. I still find Clay looking at me and once in a while sometimes, he is brave enough to say hi in passing. He has dated at least a dozen other girls since we broke up and there seems to be a different one every week. Andrea tells me that he has been telling people that he misses me and that he is going to try to win me back. I just don’t fore see that happening however. It would be nice however being able to be friends with him again. We did have fun together before he turned into a pompous ass. Every time I see Eric however I am reminded of that nightmare and who put me into that situation and it just kills me. That’s one person I will never forgive and every time I look at him I feel physically ill. When he does manage to get to close to me in the hall or anytime for that matter Gavin seems to be around to dissuade him. One look from Gavin and it has him walking quickly in the opposite direction. Which I am very grateful for. I wonder what would happen if Gavin wasn’t around. I try not to dwell on that thought to long because next school year he really won’t be around. The very thought of that was like my body being slammed with an ice cold bucket of water. It was an almost debilitating thought, one I quickly brush aside.

Heading to class I suddenly feel a quick brush on my shoulder. Looking back I was surprised to find Clay walking behind me by himself which was rare in itself.

“Um, Madison do you think we could go somewhere and talk at lunch? I know I don’t deserve your time and I wouldn’t blame you for saying no but please I really would like to talk to you.” He said quickly so he could get it all out before she brushed him off.

Sighing and looking down at my feet I didn’t know whether to agree or just haul off and punch him right square in the cocky smirk of his that he wears all the time. Right now however he looked like he just lost his best friend. Standing in the middle of the hall we were starting to get trampled and he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me off to the side. He felt me flinch under his touch and you could see the guilt in his eyes as he quickly released me. “I don’t know Clay.”

“Please. I miss you. Even though we are broke up I still miss that brief friendship that we had before I turned into a horny toad.”

Looking up shocked I couldn’t believe he said that let a lone admitted it. Before I knew it a chuckle left me lips.

“See I miss that. Me saying something stupid and you laughing. Please I just want to talk.”

Sighing, “Alright lunch.”

“Great.” He said excitedly walking away.

As I started walking to class I got this dreadful feeling over me like I just made a deal with the devil and that nothing good could come out of this. Then another dreadful feeling came over me. Gavin was surly going to see me talking to Clay. Then again I doubt he would notice or care. But he did care and he did notice the moment she came walking into the lunch room with Clay trailing behind and he felt every inch of his body tingle with anger. He started to get up to confront the ass until he noticed that she turned around and started to talk to him. That moment the anger got doused with hurt and resentment. Sitting back down with his buddies he kept an eye on them without trying to look to obvious.

We found an empty table and sat down opposite of each other.

“Alright Clay, what is this about?” I asked eying him suspiciously. Having to admit even though he was an ass he still was rather easy on the eyes.

Shrugging and looking straight into my eyes. “I owe you a big apology.”

“Yeah, you do. I never once gave you the impression that I wanted to go to bed with you. Especially after what your buddy Eric did to me.”

“I know I was wrong. I just loved you so much and I turned something that was supposed to be special into something dirty to brag to my friends about. You have to know that’s not me at all Madison.” He said with pleading eyes.

“I never thought you would treat me like that Clay but I found out otherwise. I know no other side of you.” I said with steely eyes not quite ready to forgive and damn tired of always being the forgiving one.

“I know I was a jerk and I ruined us. We had something good and I flushed it down the toilet and for what? Just to impress my jerk off friends.”

“That’s not my problem.” I said looking away before he could see that I did miss him at least a little. I missed the guy he was when I first met him and we started dating the warm charming guy.

“Madison, I miss you so much. Your saying you don’t miss me? Not even a little?”

“Clay I do miss you a little. But, I miss the guy you were when I first met you. Who knows if that was the real Clay or if the real Clay was the one trying to get me into bed. Then when I said no you proceeded to degrade me and then to start bad mouthing Gavin when he has been nothing but a friend to you.”

“Madison, yes I shouldn’t of said what I did but I see the way you look at him. You never once looked at me that way. That is all I wanted and a little of me thought if we slept together you would start looking at me that way instead.” He said looking down at his hands.

Gazing at him I didn’t really know whether to believe him or not. After all, he is charming and it is hard to tell if he is telling the truth or not. “I don’t know Clay. I don’t know what to think or what to believe anymore. Putting my head into my hand willing my stress headache to go away.

“Madison, could you please look at me?”

Lifting my head back up and struggling to adjust my eyes that were starting to blur from my head ache I looked straight into his eyes searching for some truth.

“Madison.”

“Yes Clay?”

“I still love you. Please don’t shut me completely out of your life. I tried to forget you I dated other girls. I did everything I could not to look at you in the halls. I just can’t do it. I love you. Please at least be my friend. If you won’t have me as a boyfriend will you at least have me as a friend?” Pleading with me. “I truly am sorry for everything I said and did. I was a complete ass.”

Staring at him I wasn’t sure what to say. I never dreamed that he was still in love with me especially after all the girls I seen him date and hang around. “I really don’t know what to say Clay. This all came out of left field for me. I assumed that we would never speak again.”

“Just give me a chance and I’ll show you the real Clay. The Clay you met at the pool hall.”

“Alright I suppose I could try. I am running a little low on friends as of lately.”

“Great.” Perking up immediately.

“But, one toe out of the line that’s it. Strike three buddy, and no bad mouthing Gavin around me. That one is also a deal breaker.” I said glaring him down to make my point.

“Alright deal.” He said grabbing my hand to seal the deal.

Meanwhile at the other end of the cafeteria Gavin was still fuming over them sitting together. Either she was the most naive person in the world right now or she was the most forgiving. He couldn’t figure out which at the moment, but decided to keep his eye on Clay either way. He didn’t trust him and he wasn’t so naive. Watching them get up together they walked out of the cafeteria and noticed them now outside in the cold sitting on a bench and talking again. This made him feel even more uneasy just for the fact he couldn’t see them as well and it looked a little to intimate. Plus, he couldn’t get to her as fast if he needed to. What is it with that guy? He thought to himself. What is it about that ass hole that makes her keep forgiving him every time the slime ball comes crawling back.

“Sorry. I just had to get some air.” I said rubbing my forehead trying to get the awful ache to go away.

“What is wrong Madison?”

“I’ve just been getting awful headaches lately.”

“Well, what’s wrong? I haven’t talked to you in so long I feel a little guilty for not being around or knowing what is going on in your life.”

“Sorry Clay, but it’s nothing I want to talk about.”

“You mean with me.” He said perfectly understanding why she wouldn’t.

“No Clay, not with anyone.”

“Oh, Is there anything I can do?”

“No.” I said shortly.

“Are you cold?” Asking starting to take off his school sport jacket that proudly displayed his quarter back title on the football team.