Sneaky Pie's Cookbook for Mystery Lovers (6 page)

Take the leftovers from these recipes, toss all of them in a dish, and feed. (Hee hee.)

Makes 1 pie

1. Bake the piecrust at 425°G F. until lightly browned. Take out of the oven and reduce the heat to 375°G F.
   

2. In a saucepan, melt the butter over low heat. Stir in the flour until there are no lumps and add the milk. Stir until thickened.
   

3. Drain the salmon and mix with the sauce.
   

4. Stir in the frozen peas and pour the mixture into the prepared piecrust.
   

5. Lightly crush the potato chips and spread evenly over the salmon mixture.
   

6. Bake for about 20 minutes, or until bubbly.
   

I
F YOU DON’T
want to bake a pie, you can leave out the peas and potato chips, roll into small balls, and eat immediately. Humans won’t eat it that way.

If you don’t like salmon, and some cats don’t, you can substitute lamb, beef, or tuna. Personally, I don’t like beef except for organ meats, but other cats crave beef. There’s no accounting for taste.

1. If your human won’t dice the raw kidney, have him or her put the kidney in a pot, cover with water, and boil. After 15 minutes, turn off the heat and let cool.
   

2. Remove the meat and cut into small pieces.
   

3. You can pour this over your crunchies cold or warm it up.
   

I
ENJOY KIDNEY
any time of year but Mother won’t make it in the summer. The aroma overpowers her.

As you’ve noticed, humans have a peculiar sense of smell. Their olfactory sense is underdeveloped. To further impair their noses, they smoke and wear perfume or cologne. But the scent of kidney in summer is too much for Mom, who has a good nose for a human.

I was reading
The Intelligence of Dogs
the other day, and I quote, “The scenting ability of hounds is truly remarkable. The average dog has around two hundred twenty million
scent receptors in its nose, as compared to only five million for humans.” And just think, a hound has a better nose than other dogs.

On the issue of scent, I concede that dogs are far superior to cats.

1. Mix the dry molasses through the beet pulp, then add warm water almost to the top of the pail. Allow to sit overnight.
   

2. When you come into the barn in the morning, reach down in the pail with your hands and turn the mixture over again.
   

3. For a 16-hand horse, add ½ cup of the molasses mash to his or her regular feed.
   

S
OME PEOPLE FEED
their horses beet pulp daily and no sweet feed. We use it as a treat since most horses enjoy the molasses taste.

Mom’s grandfather used to make a bran mash: ¾ bucket high-quality bran, ½ cup dry molasses, warm water, and 1 ounce brandy.

If a horse is stall bound, the last thing you want to do is
fill them up on bran. He used the mash as a reward, feeding it once a week out in the pasture.

Horses’ digestive systems are very different from cats’. The best thing in the world to feed a horse and keep it from colic is good-quality hay and lots of water. If you live in an area where the grass has plenty of nutrients, like Kentucky, with all that limestone in the soil, that’s the best of the best. Of course, turn a horse out on new spring grass and they’ll eat themselves sick. Remember what I said about horses being stupid …

Horses are grazers. Their ideal situation is to eat and walk, eat and walk. My ideal situation is to eat in one spot.

Pewter likes to sit on the fence post and call the horses to her. One day she was sunning herself on the fence, eyes closed, dozing, when one of the babies, Sidekick, snuck up. He tiptoed almost like a cat, got right behind her, then blew air out of his nostrils. Pewter shot three feet straight up in the air. Scared the horse as much as he’d scared her.

She raced to the house and he ran down and jumped into the pond.

He’s not a baby now, he’s 16.3 hands, half Thoroughbred and half Dutch Warmblood. His sense of humor has grown with his size. He likes to steal hats off humans’ heads. He pulls bridles off bridle hooks, carries them to the other end of the stable, drops them, and returns for another one. He knows how to open doors, too. Last summer he jumped out of his three-board fence pasture—he can “jump the moon” effortlessly—walked up to the back of the house, stepped over the stone wall, continued across the patio, and opened the back door. The wood floor baffled him, though. He’d start to come into the kitchen, then back off.

Tucker ran for Mother, who almost fainted when she saw Sidekick. She had visions of those steel shoes on her maple floors. She didn’t yell at him but he knew he’d been a bad boy so he turned around, stepped back over the stone wall, trotted across the lawn, and flew over the stone jump at the end of the lawn. He hung out at the old Indian spring all day, hoping we’d forget his misdeed.

I love horses because they have such a wonderful sense of humor.

1. Thoroughly wash the oysters.
   

2. Crumble the 4 bay leaves into the cornmeal, and toss in the salt and pepper.
   

3. Mix in the egg.
   

4. Spread the moistened meal on a piece of wax paper or foil.
   

5. Dredge the oysters with the batter until completely covered.
   

6. Put the Crisco in a number 5 frying pan (or whatever you like) and melt over high heat. When the Crisco is hot, turn the heat down to medium-high and add the oysters, turning them once. Depending on how hot the
   fat is (every stove is a little different), they should be done in 10 minutes.
   

H
UMANS MIGHT LIKE
more spices, but then I won’t eat the oysters. This way we can both eat them.

I like shellfish and am happy with any popped right out of the shell. Oddly enough, Pewter won’t eat them. She eats everything else, including broccoli.

I also happen to know that she knocked over the aquarium and ate the fish. She denies it, but who else would have done it? Mother was so distressed she has never bought another aquarium.

I weakened when I saw those fish flopping around on the floor. Seemed silly to let them go to waste but I didn’t break the aquarium. I swear it. It really was Pewter.

1. Cook the rice according to package directions. As it cools, cut the crabmeat into small bites.
   

2. Mix together.
   

I
F WE GIVE
Pewter the whole amount, she’ll eat it. Instead, we give her a big helping and put the rest in the refrigerator.

Pewter also came from the SPCA. She was a tiny, round gray ball with cigarette burns on her body. Mother brought her home, to my disgust, but when Pewter told me her tale of abuse I decided another cat wouldn’t be that bad.

She loves Mother, sits in her lap, follows her around, and is the jolliest cat I have ever known.

Some stories do have happy endings.