Sneaky Pie's Cookbook for Mystery Lovers (3 page)

1. Toast and butter the bread. Cut into eight equal-sized pieces.
   

2. Slice the sardines in half and place on the individual toast pieces.
   

M
Y DREAM IS
to visit the fish market in Seattle someday. Mother swears it is the best fish market in America.

What would I do confronted with a fish five times bigger than I am (on ice, of course)? Drool. Of course.

1. Preheat the oven to 350°G F.
   

2. In a small bowl, mix together the flour, cornmeal, and garlic.
   

3. Cut the liver into small pieces, put in the blender, and puree. Combine with flour mixture.
   

4. Spread the mixture as evenly as possible in a greased baking pan or a 9-inch pie dish.
   

5. Bake for 30 minutes, or until done.
   

6. Remove and cut into pieces, sized to your dog’s preference.
   

D
OGS ARE MORE
easily bribed than cats. At the Westminster Dog Show held at Madison Square Garden in New York City, Mom watched every possible bribe other than raw meat being offered. Barbara L. Powers, president of the Dachshund Club of America, was showing a stunning dog when she
tossed a treat to Mom standing on the sidelines. Later, Mom asked her for the recipe, which I’ve recounted here, because the bait smelled good even to a human’s nose.

I can testify that Barbara’s bait works because Tucker will do anything Mother asks if there’s a homemade liver treat for a reward. Imagine, selling your soul for liver.

1. Put all the ingredients into a large pot and cook on high until the water boils.
   

2. Turn off at the boil, cover, and let steam for approximately 5 to 10 minutes. As soon as the top looks “dry,” put the food into a storage container. If you overcook, it will be too dry, but you can always add more water in a pinch.
   

3. Serve 1 cup of the mixture in the morning and 1 cup at night either alone or mixed in with commercial dry food.
   

       Helpful Hints:

• We put it in the microwave for 1 minute before serving.
  

• You can substitute any kind of meat that you want. Living in the country, we luckily have a lot of deer
  meat, which we freeze during deer season. It helps keep the food costs down.
  

A
PART FROM
T
UCKER
, the Corgi, I also live with Tuxedo, a black and tan coonhound who, even I must admit, is a most remarkable dog. Then there’s Godzilla, the two-year-old smooth-coated Jack Russell bitch, who is remarkable in entirely different ways.

Tuxedo and Godzilla haven’t shown up in my mysteries yet for two reasons. One, Godzilla is conceited enough. Were she to get fan mail I don’t think I could live with her. As it is Pewter receives almost as much fan mail as I do. And Tucker gets lots of photos from other Corgis.

Godzilla would be insufferable.

Tuxedo, on the other hand, may be the sweetest canine I have ever known. He’s clean, intelligent, and biddable, just
what a hound should be. And he’s big! So if I put Tuxedo in a mystery, Tucker will get jealous. On the other hand, I can think of stories where a hound’s special nose would solve the crime.

Once Mom lost her glasses. They cost $400 because they had a special light plastic lens, so she was upset. We searched the house high and low. I even crawled under the bureau in case they’d fallen behind. Not there.

We cleaned out the truck. Everything was pulled out, even the battery jumper cables. Nothing.

After a frenzied morning, we gave up.

Sitting on a fence post that afternoon, I saw Tuxedo loping across the pasture with something in his mouth. Godzilla, filthy, ran alongside.

They ran around the house. Mom was in the garden pulling weeds, the eternal chore. Tuxedo dropped the glasses next to her.

Happy, she gave everyone treats, and Big Dog’s Delight for supper.

Tuxedo and Godzilla said the packrat down by the pond stole the glasses. Tuxedo tracked the glasses to her lair. Godzilla rushed into her den to get them out … a brave dog. She said that the stash included quarters, a bandanna, one spur with a leather spur strap, and a whole pile of the plastic rings you pull off to open a gallon of milk or distilled water.

It’s curious what they find valuable. Possums carry off stuff, too, and Simon, in my mysteries, is based on a house possum that lived to the ripe old age of seven.

Crows steal shiny things all the time. I catch them pecking at the kiwi latches on the gates, a latch like a comma that
is supposed to be horseproof since there’s a little ring that slips down to hold the lock. Two of the horses have figured out how to pick the kiwis but it’s the crows that play with them. The silver shine attracts them.

During bird nesting season, Mom cuts four-inch squares of tinfoil and places them on fenceposts, the picnic table, and outdoor chairs. Then we hide and watch the crows swoop down to snatch them.

I confess to liking jewelry that’s shiny. Gold is my favorite. I hide Mom’s battered gold watch and necklace under the bed pillow. She always knows where to find them.

I
WAS TAKEN
away from my cat mother too early and dumped at the SPCA, so my human mother had to feed me every four hours around the clock. She did this cheerfully for two weeks. After that she only had to feed me every four hours throughout the day.

You should always check with your veterinarian but here’s what Mom mixed to keep me alive: powdered goat’s milk mixed with enough water to make the consistency very smooth. Sounds easy but the powdered milk lumps up a little. Mom warmed it on the stove until it was tepid. Never, never make it really warm because what feels warm to a human finger feels a lot warmer to a baby’s throat and stomach.

She bought a doll baby’s bottle and nipped the end so the milk would flow. Then she put me on a towel on her lap so I could feed naturally, which is belly down. First she put a drop of milk on my nose, then she gave me the bottle.

When I grew a little bigger I could drink out of a shallow saucer.

Since my birth, Mom has nursed along two litters of hound puppies whose mothers died. All grew to be healthy seventy-pound hounds.

Occasionally, I still enjoy a taste of goat’s milk, but it’s rich and I can’t drink much of it or I get a stomachache.

Serves 8 to 10

This recipe is for people who love chocolate. Veterinarians say chocolate is bad for dogs. (Don’t give me ideas.)

1. Preheat the oven to 350°G F.
   

2. In a small bowl, cream together the butter and Crisco and set aside.
   

3. In a medium bowl, beat the egg whites until stiff, then gradually add the sugar. Beat in the creamed butter and
   Crisco. Gently stir in the milk, followed by the flour and baking powder, mixing until well blended and no lumps remain. Stir in the vanilla.
   

4. Pour into 2 greased and floured 9-inch round cake pans. Using a rubber spatula, spread the batter out evenly in each pan.
   

5. Bake on the third rack up from the bottom for 25 minutes, or until a cake tester comes out clean.
   

6. These layers will not be fluffy. This is a heavy, moist cake. When you bring them out of the oven, put a dish towel over them and cool to room temperature.
   

7. Once they’re cool, turn the first layer onto a wire cake rack and cover the top and sides with ⅓ of the White Cream Icing. Once it’s set, pour ⅓ of the Unsweetened Chocolate Icing on top of the already frosted layer. Let harden (in the refrigerator if necessary). To anchor the second layer, place toothpicks half in and half out of the first layer.
   

8. Carefully place the second layer on top of the first, pressing down until the toothpicks are completely hidden (they will keep it from sliding off). Spread the remaining White Cream Icing over the entire cake. Finally, cover with the remaining Unsweetened Chocolate Icing. Let harden (again in the refrigerator if necessary). Transfer the cake to a cake plate.
   

9. If the day is warm, put the cake in the coolest spot you have or the refrigerator, covered with a cake dish. It’s important for the chocolate to harden.
   

10. When you serve the cake, whoever gets a toothpick gets a kitty kiss.