Shatter

by Rachel Van Dyken

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and events are fictitious in
every regard. Any similarities to actual events and persons, living or dead,
are
purely coincidental. Any trademarks, service marks, product names, or named features
are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference.
There is no implied endorsement if any of these terms are used. Except for review
purposes, the reproduction of this book in whole or part, electronically or mechanically,
constitutes a copyright violation.

SHATTER

Copyright © 2013
RACHEL VAN DYKEN

ISBN
978
-
0
-
9890783
-
3
-
7

Cover Art Designed b
y
Laura Heritage

Alec

I was already broken when she came into my life
—
almost like a shell of the man I knew I should be but could never
,
ever hope to end up like. The thing about wanting to be good is just that. You want
to
be good, but you lack the self-
control to be anything but bad.

And I
was
bad.

I
am
bad.

She just d
idn’t
know it. I wish I
were
a good person, because maybe then I could let her go. Maybe if I was good, I could
release her before everything
goes to
h
ell. But I couldn’t
. I want
ed
her to
o
damn bad. I want
ed us. And I’d
do anything
—
be
anythi
ng to keep her. Even if it meant that I had to be something that I wasn’t
.

Good.

I used to think life was easy
—
you got up, you ate, you drank, you did
whatever the he
ll you did
,
and you went
back to bed…
I was wrong.

Maybe if I could have seen it coming, I could have prevented what happened.
Hell. I
know
I could have prevented it from happening. But I didn’t see that coming. Nobody would
have seen it coming
—
nobody
would have been able to guess.

I knew it was only a matter of time before my control snapped. After all, I’d been
on borrowed time for too long. I kept everything in boxes. My relationship with Nat,
my career, my issues with my brother, and then finally all the shit I put myself and
everyone else through a few years go. That box was labeled
Hell
and it was
conveniently
stored in the furthest part of my brain
—
never to be opened again.

Unfortunately
, the sucky thing about packing away bad choices, memories, and just all around
stupidity
, was that it always taunted
you.

I knew it was only a matter of time before my own Pandora
’
s box exploded and my control snapped. After all, as much as I told Demetri he needed
to deal with all his baggage
,
I just ignored mine. I mean, I knew it was there
,
but I chose to believe that as long as it was safely tucked away, it was dealt with.

The cards weren’t just stacked against me
;
they were collapsing on top of me. I fought for breath as Nat’s hurt eyes bore into
mine.

“So that’s it?” Thick tears ran down her cheeks.

I cursed and ran my hands through my hair
. “
Yeah, Nat. That’s it.”

“So what happens now?” She wiped some stray tears from her cheeks and crossed her
arms
protectively across her chest.

I would forever remember that
moment. During those lonely nights when I was tempted to do something stupid, I’d
remember the look of betrayal on her face. I’d remember the way
even
her tears seemed to look beautiful as her clear eyes searched mine for the one thing
I couldn’t give them
—
reassurance.

“I stop hurting you.” I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry, Nat. But, this is goodbye.”

Two
weeks previous

Alec

I watched the waves crash against the sand as yet another camera flashed in my face.
The group was all
together,
Alyssa and Demetri, An
g
elica
and Jaymeson, and finally Nat and me. I cringed for the twentieth time that day.

Seaside was officially the hot spot to be, and we were the show to watch. Nobody was
nervous but me. Why was I the only one? I was stressed, angry, worried. Damn, I felt
like a parent. I just wanted to protect everyone, especially Nat. I loved her so much
,
and now it felt like I was really exposing her to the life Demetri and I lived on
a da
ily
basis.
Before it wasn’t so bad. I gave Nat a bit of Hollywood in small doses. After all,
AD2 was still technically on hiatus.

Not now. Why did it suddenly feel like I brought the depths of hell into this sleepy
town? Camera crews were everywhere. A makeup artist touched up Nat’s lipstick for
the third time while I watched. Could
n
’
t
they have at least gotten her a female makeup artist? By the looks of this guy, he
wasn’t gay. And if he kept lingering, my fist was going to end up in his face.

I scow
led and looked
toward
the beach
. It was like I had just hatched hundreds of baby turtles and was now waiting in
anticipation of the
horror
of
them be
ing
eaten by birds before
making it into the ocean and swimming
free
.

Note to self: You know your life is going to shit when you start using reptiles as
allegorical examples of how bad things suck.

“Enough!” I finally said as the guy hover
ing
over Nat’s face add
ed
more powder. He scurried off as I showed him the finger. Nat glared in my direction.
I blew
her a
kiss and managed a cocky smile.

Four
weeks.

I could do
f
our more
weeks of filming, and then I was going to propose and whisk her away from Seaside,
away from Hollywood, away from everything. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could balance
everything before I broke. All things considered, I was already on borrowed time.
Nat and Demetri had no clue. I gripped the chair
until my knuckles turned white.

I wanted her
to be
far away from everything when it hit the fan.

Granted, she may not want to come with me. And that’s the part that sucked. The great
unknown…
I guess I’d find out just how deep her love ran
.
I hoped to God it was deeper than Mariana’s Trench.

Insecurity was a bitch. And I was full of it these days. What sucked was I
had
to hide it, from everyone, especially those who were
affected
by my crap decisions and inability to
deal with things
. I stole another glance at Nat. She smiled at me and winked. Damn. Everything about
her sent heat through my body. She was perfect. Everything I needed
—
everything I wanted. And yet…
I still felt like I wasn’t good enough for her, like I wasn’t good
for
her. Hell. I knew I was ba
d for her, but clearly I didn’t
care enough about her to care about what I did to her, or w
hat my presence could cost her.

In a word, I felt like Demetri. I should have seen it coming. But that’s
how life was
. The calm before the storm.
That was
how it hit me. Everything was fine
—
perfect really. And then
she
came into my life and I was thrown into a hurricane of emotions I hadn’t experienced
in years. By the time I realized what was happening, I was already head
-
over
-
heels in love with her. I didn’t have a choice
.
M
y heart had already spoken. I just didn’t know that by claiming her as my own, I’d
be dooming her at the same time.

And insert depressing violin music. Maybe I should just ask Demetri to punch me in
the face and get it over with.
It’s not like he wouldn’t want to do t
hat and more once he found out.

Even though I had deleted the pictures from my cell phone and tried to expel them
from my memory
—
they still existed. And I was still tempted every damn minute that I took a breath,
to just blurt out everything and
then
run headfirst into the ocean, praying the waves would do me the magnanimous favor
of drowning me and my guilt.

I groaned into my hands. I seriously needed to stop being so depressing. I mean
,
I knew I
had the tendency to be
brooding enough without having all this baggage hanging around. Nat was probably two
minutes away from strangling me, and I totally wouldn’t blame her. I needed a shot
of something
—
preferably
strong
and alcoholic.

“Alec?”
Nat stood
a few feet
in front of me
, her
arms crossed
and lower lip jutting out. Damn
,
she had
no idea how beautiful she was.

“Hmm?” I leisurely got
up from the chair and walked over to her. I told myself to stop being so transparent
,
but damn if I didn’t want to just shred every ounce of clothing on her body and feel
her skin against mine.
Yes, that’s what I needed. Forget the shot of something strong
.
I just needed her
—
wanted to get lost in her and push away all the hell my mind kept re-living.

Long
,
golden
-
blonde hair blowing in the wind
;
she put
her hands on her hips
.
Her
brown eyes were narro
wed as she watched me approach.

Her eyes widened a bit
when I purposefully flexed my arm
and then she looked down, a beautiful pink blush staining her cheeks. “Remember how
I feel ab
out your blushing?” I whispered
,
trying with
e
very ounce of self-control I possessed, not to make a complete fool of myself and
toss her over my shoulder cave
-
man style.

“Is it the same way you felt last night about
—”

“—
And
we’re done.”
My brother
Demetri cleared his throat
,
appearing out of nowhere
. “
Can a person un
-
hear something? Anyone? Anyone?” He shook his head as if that would make everything
go away and cursed. “Seriously, I’m almost embarrassed for the sand.”

“Why the hell would you be embarrassed
for
the sand?” I rolled my eyes and pulled Nat into my embrace, trailing my hands down
her arms. I couldn’t get enough of her. Not by a long shot. Even touching her was
enough to send my control out the window. Ha, she thought I had control
.
No. What I had was a lot of guilt that made me feel the need to control every damn
situation until I thought I was going to shatter.

“Because you guys were all…
” Demetri put his hands in the air and scowled
. “
Fornicating.”

“Fornicating?” I laughed
, a bit thrown off that he not only knew a
four-syllable
word but the meaning behind it
.
“How the hell does one fornicate without—
”

“—Okay, sorry to break this weird love triangle up…” Jaymeson stepped beside Nat and
me
.
“
B
ut we
’
re supposed to go over to the bonfire and pretend to be bonding.”
Jaymeson was an action star from the UK and one of our good friends. At least he was
someone I could count on during all
of
the chaos that was our lives. I was actually relieved when they asked him to be part
of the show. Against popular opinion, he was actually a really clean
-
cut guy. He never did drugs, never drank, and spent every Easter with his
ninety
-
year
-
old grandma. Sometimes I hated that he made it look so easy. Fame wasn’t a big deal
to him.
Granted, he also slept with anything that looked cross-eyed at him, but whatever.
He claimed it was because Americans were easy.

“Ah
,
reality TV at it
s finest
,
” I muttered back to him.

“Cheers.” Jaymeson winked at Nat and then slapped my ass. I lunged for him but Nat’s
hand
slipped to
where Jaymeson
’
s hand had been
,
making me totally lose my train of thought. I sighed and kissed Nat gently across
the lips. Her wet tongue
licked my bottom lip and then slipped into my mouth. I wanted to throw her onto the
ground.

“And we’ve come full circle.” Demetri cleared his throat
. “
Back to fornicating.”

I groaned against Nat
’
s mouth and cursed
. “
Do you really have nothing better to do than sit here and watch us fornicate? Really
,
Demetri? Is life that boring without drugs?”

Because of me, my brother had nearly killed himself last year and was finally out
of rehab.
I couldn’t take credit for pulling him out of his funk
—
nope
,
that honor
went
to Alyssa. She challenged him enough to grow a pair and put on his big boy pants.

Demetri’s
wide smile did nothing for my mood. He pulled out a piece of taffy and winked
. “
Just getting you back for walking in on me and Alyssa.”

It’s possible I’d been ruining my brother
’
s mojo purposefully just to piss him off. I
’d happily take
that
to my grave.

“Dude, you were moving slower than
a snail.” I smirked and made a slow crawling gesture with my hands
.

Laughter bubbled out of Nat
. “
So true.”

Demetri cursed
. “
If a snail is a kick
-
ass
-
ninja
-
track
-
athlete, th
e
n y
e
a
h
. I was moving just like that.”

“Did he just compare himself to a ninja snail?” A female voice said from behind us.
We all turned. Alyssa,
Demetri’s
’ girlfriend
,
was shaking her head and laughing. “Wow, wonders never cease. What were you yesterday,
Demetri? A turtle, was it?”

“A turtle?” I repeated. All eyes turned to Demetri.

My brother’s eyes hooded with desire
. “
You can ride my shell anytime
,
you—
”

“Children!” Jaymeson yelled from the bonfire
. “
If you’re all done getting in each other’s pants, we’ve got some fake filming to do
for the future leaders of America!”

“Truer words have never been said.” Nat nodded solemnly.

“What we do, we do for our country
,
” I agreed
as I
grabb
ed
her hand
and kissed
the back of it.
“Later though?”

She winked
. “
Oh, I promise.”

I still couldn’t figure out how I’d gotten so lucky. A year ago, when Nat was dating
my brother, I’d done everything in my power to stay away from her, but I couldn’t.
I
was in love with
her even before she introduced herself and taunted me by
threatening
to tattoo my name on her ass. Figures. She was the only girl in the known universe
who still hadn’t asked for my autograph.

Granted, now
we
were dating and the whole fame thing had kind of worn off
.
B
ut still, you’d think she’d at least want my signature. But that was Nat. She made
even the most prideful man feel humble
.
E
xhibit A
:
Demetri.