Resolution (Saviour) (24 page)

When I hear Gabe talking as he co
mes up the stairs, I assume he is on the phone but then I see Ava appear in front of him, “Hey chicken, what are you doing here?”

I wrap
my arms around her and gave her a cuddle; she is a good few inches taller than me now but is all skin and bone, “Dad won the battle over pops funeral so we thought it best if I stay here tonight so we can all go together.”

I look up at Gabe as I guide
Ava towards the sofa to sit down, he gives me that smile, never mind the after effects of the concussion, that look is enough to make my head spin and knock me off my feet; we have been apart about five hours today but as soon as I heard his car on the drive my heart had begun to race and that first look or smile after we have been apart, makes my head spin every time, I wonder if it will ever wear off? He kisses the top of my head, then my mouth.

“
Baby, why are you up? I thought Jemma was coming over?”

“
Did you organise that? I thought she had just dropped by, Gabe I’m not sick, I don’t need babysitting, I feel fine, in fact I spoke to Karen Palmer this morning and told her I would be back on site on Friday.”

“
Na darl, not happening, I’ve already told the Palmers you will be back next week at the earliest, they will be at the funeral tomorrow and I will tell them again if I need to.”

“
Gabe, I’m absolute…”

“
Lauren, please don’t argue with me on this, you were unconscious for almost three days, your arm is still in a cast and I’ve seen the way it takes you a few seconds to get your balance when you stand up. Next week at the earliest, end of.”

I thro
w myself down on the sofa and fold my arms across my chest, as best I can with this stupid lump of plaster wrapped halfway up my arm, “Are you sookin’ now? Stop behaving like a child Lauren; I’ve just had the worse ten days of my life, I lost my Dad and thought that I was going to lose you and Ava too, you have no idea, no idea what we all went through, now you will sit your arse on the sofa and only move if I say you can, you won’t be driving yourself anywhere and you will not be going back to work this week, are we clear?”

I suck my cheeks in and look up at him
, “Fine.”

“
That’s not an answer Lauren…are we clear?”

He’s pushed his hair back and run his hands though it so many times, it’s a wonder he has any left, he still looks tired and I feel bad now
, “Yes we’re clear, I’m sorry.”

Ava nudges me in the ribs with a big grin on her face
, “You so got told.”

“
Shut up you, if I can’t move, then the same goes for you.”

She sticks her tongue out at me and we both laugh, Gabe shakes
his head as I flip my middle finger at him.

“
Give me strength I need a beer.”

Wednesday is
a sunny day; I sometimes wonder if funerals are sadder in the sun or the rain; if it’s sunny, it makes me feel sad for all the beautiful days the person being buried will never get to see and if it’s raining, well it just makes you feel miserable all round. I hadn’t been involved in the funeral plans and by all accounts nobody other than Charlie had either, he had left strict instructions with his lawyers on how he wanted the day to go. The funeral party would leave from the house Gabe grew up in Mount Eliza, I didn’t even know they still owned this house but I could see why Charlie would have wanted to hang onto it, it was in a beautiful spot with fantastic views across the bay and towards the city, the house is dated but will make a fantastic fixer upper for someone. Gabe’s family and extended family are all gathered there and there are lots of introductions of aunties, uncles and cousins from both of his parent’s sides. He hasn’t let go of my hand the whole hour we have been here and when the hearse pulls up with his Dads coffin in, I’ve never seen such a pained expression on his face and I really think for a minute his legs are going to go from under him.

H
e starts to cry and I can hear the panic in his voice, “I can’t do this, Lauren please, don’t make me go out there. I can’t do this.”

Ava starts to sob loudly as she watches her
Dad fall apart; luckily Jo and Jake have arrived after I messaged Jo and asked if they would come here first because I was worried about Gabe and knew Jake would know how to handle him. My head is pounding as I start to panic but Jake steps in and wraps Ava in his arms and holds her tight.

I turn my attention back to Gabe.
My heart breaks for him, my hero; my saviour is falling apart in front of me. Dads are special and I know the mess I had been at my own Dad’s funeral, I only got through it thanks to Jemma stopping me from hyperventilating and I think this is what Gabe is on the verge of now and I know I need him to calm his breathing and focus, “Breathe baby, it will be fine, we will get through this, I’m right here with you, your brothers are here, Stella is here, we are all here, we will all get through this together, look at me baby…look at me… Gabe.”

I ho
ld his face in my hands and kiss his mouth and I can taste the salt from our tears, “I love you and we will get through this for Charlie, okay? I can’t change any of this; I can’t make it go away but I will be there, with you and for you, every step of the way.”

I nod my head as I look into his eyes and he eventually nods back
, “I love you, let’s do this.”

He grips
my good hand so hard I think that it will surely end up in a cast too. Jackie has kept herself hidden in a bedroom until it is time to leave so I haven’t had chance to see her. As much as I loathe the woman, she has lost her husband and I am respectful of that but that is as far as my feelings go; she comes past us with an entourage of her family members, stopping to say hello and accept condolences from the mourners gathered at the house on her way out to the car, she stops level with me, Gabe and Ava.

She
goes to put her hand on Gabe’s arm but he moves it before she makes contact so instead she strokes Ava’s face and looks at me, “I’m glad you two ladies are on the mend.”

Ava let
s out a sob and buries herself into her Dad’s side. We share a Limo with Stella and Zac and Sam’s two eldest boys; we ride in complete silence. When we get to the church, there are people everywhere, a testament to what a beautiful and well-loved person Charlie was. Gabe, his two brothers and the eldest three grandsons act as pall bearers and carry Charlie’s coffin into the church, the rest of the family follow in behind, I have my arms around Ava on one side and Stella on the other, it is the only time Gabe let’s go of me completely throughout the entire day.

The service i
s sad, happy and beautiful, a celebration more than a memorial, people tell funny stories, that make people both laugh and cry and Charlie’s favourite pieces of music are played, as funeral services go, it is fairly up beat, just as Charlie had wanted. The wake is held at the local yacht club and there must  be a couple of hundred people here, as with these things, the day is long and draining and using Ava as our excuse, we say our goodbyes and head home after just an hour of being there.

We tuck
Ava up in bed as soon as we get home and Gabe pours himself a large bourbon as we stand out on the balcony and listen to the waves, “I couldn’t have done that without you Lauren, thank you, thank you for being there, thank you for loving me, just…thank you.”

I do
n’t have any words so I just wrap my arms around his waist and squeeze him tight. We barely say a word all evening and we go to bed early and once again, I hold him tight and stroke his hair as he cries for his Dad and probably his Mum and quite possibly the events of the past couple of weeks. I hold him until his sobbing stops and his breathing steadies and I know that he is sleeping, with his head on my chest, my arms holding him, with one arm and one leg of his over me, I finally drift off to sleep. I don’t know how long I have been sleeping when I am woken by the sensation of him sliding into me, we make love silently, he turns me into every position, I’m on my back, my front, my knees, until he cries again as his orgasm explodes, he hasn’t been at all gentle and at times, I found it painful but if it is what he needs, if I am what he needs right at this moment, to help him cope, to help him deal with his grief, then so be it.

“
Lauren, baby, wake up.”

I stretch and smile as I feel Gabe kissing my shoulder and running his palm over my hip, I’m lying
half on my side, sort of in the recovery position and I love the way he strokes over the dip of my waist, it makes me feel feminine – womanly, but then his hand moves forward and I panic that he’s going to feel my belly. my waist is great when I lay on my side, my belly, not so and I certainly don’t want him grabbing a handful; I roll over onto my back and am met with his beautiful blue eyes looking down at me, he looks…worried??

“
What’s wrong, where’s Ava, what’s wrong?”

“
Ava’s fine; did I hurt you last night?”

“
What? When?”

I sit up in total confusion and
look at him, his hair is wet and he smells delicious, he must have showered already.

He strokes my face and kisses my forehead
, “What’s wrong, what are you talking about?”

I try to sit up straighter so I’m level with him but it’s hard to do with just one good arm and I have to wriggle my bum
back into the headboard. I have a bit of a headache and I most definitely have a belly ache.

“
Last night, was I rough, did I hurt you?”

I hesitate for a second too long, he was rough and it did hurt
a bit, but I still liked it, he needed me.

“
For fucks sake Lauren, why didn’t you say something, why didn’t you just say something?”

He grips his own hair and then runs his hands through it
, “I made you bleed, there’s blood on the sheets and there was blood on me, fuck Lauren, I fucking made you bleed.”

He pulls me to him and
wraps his arms around my shoulders. Okay, now I’m awake.

“
Gabe, it’s okay, it was fine, I am a bit sore. It was nice, I…You needed me, I wanted to be there for you, it’s…I’m fine.”

“
Fucking you so hard that you bleed is not fine, it’s never fine Lauren.”

He’s just over reacting because he feels emotional
, “I’ve been bleeding quite a lot after we have sex…lately.”

I trail off, I was telling him to make him feel better, so that he wouldn’t feel so bad but now
shit, now the look on his face is even worse. He stands up. He sits down.

“
What the fuck do you mean; you bleed a lot after we have sex? What the fuck Lauren, that’s not right, that’s not normal.”

“
I don’t mean I bleed a lot, not like there’s a lot of blood, I mean, there are lots of times we have sex and I bleed, just a little bit, it’s not like real blood, it’s just sort of a bit pink, except when I was in the hospital, then it was a bit darker but only for about half a day, then I was fine.”

“
Do I hurt you every time we…Does it hurt when we make love?”

Jesus, over reaction or what?

“No Gabe, never, it never hurts, you never hurt me; last night was a bit rougher than usual but you never hurt me, it’s just…we have a lot of sex and I get a bit sore sometimes, but you never hurt me.”

I smile at him, he looks at me and gives a shrug of his right shoulder and a tilt of his head and the tiniest of smiles and my heart melts and I want him, god I want him
, “We do have a lot of sex don’t we? I am sorry, but you…I can’t help it. I’m hard Lauren, all the time, even when we’ve just finished, it’s like it doesn’t go down properly. I wasn’t this bad when I was thirteen and when I’m not with you it’s worse and it doesn’t matter where I am, at work, in the car, I, I just want you all the time and I am sorry if it’s too much.”

“
Gabe…Seriously? If you stop fucking me because of this, I swear, I’ll go and buy the biggest vibrator I can find and I will ruin myself with it. I like all the sex we have, I love that you want me all the time, I’m the same, I want you all the time, even right now, even though I am probably going to walk like John Wayne for a week after last night, despite that, I want you, I love you, inside me, all the time, so don’t you dare stop coming across.”

He’s pulled me by my feet
down the bed, so that I am flat on my back again, he has crawled between my legs and he has his chin resting between my boobs, looking up at me, “You are such a slut Lauren Day.”

“
I am indeed Gabriel Wilde, but only for you.”

He smiles and bites each of my nipples, just hard enough to make me shudder
and I wiggle my hips against him.

He laughs and shakes his head at me
, “Slut.”

“
What can I say?”

“
I will run you a bath and really Lauren, I think you should go to the doctors and just get checked out.”

“
I will, I know, I have made a couple of appointments but shit has happened and I’ve missed them.”

I stroke his hair back off his face and smile into those eyes of his; he looks so much better today
, but I can still see the pain. Gabe has laughing eyes and theses eyes that he’s looking at me with right now, they let me know he loves me but they are not laughing or even smiling, and that’s fine, I get it, we only buried his Dad yesterday, I just hate to see him suffer, I hate that he is sad and grieving and that there’s nothing I can do. I know first-hand that grieving is a process and things are likely to get worse before they get better and all I can do is be here for him.

“
How are you doing?”

“
Don’t change the subject. Call the docs, make an appointment, this week, straight away, as soon as you can get it, where’s your phone? I’ll call them now.”

He gets up off the bed and stands
, “Gabe, I’m not the one changing the subject. Get my phone, I will happily call the docs, but I asked you a question and I would like an answer.”

He does the Gabriel head tilt
, which is what he does when he’s thinking; he shrugs.

“
I buried my Dad yesterday Lauren. I could have been burying you and Ava along with him.”

He’s shaking his head as he speaks and I can see his bottom lip quiver slightly as he carries on
, “It could have been worse, it could have been so much worse but I’m still angry, I’m still so fucking angry that this happened, that you got hurt, that Ava got hurt, that he died and that I was there and watched it happen and couldn’t do anything to stop it, my job is to protect you and my daughter and I didn’t do it, I couldn’t do it and I’m so fucking angry that it scares me.”

I reach forward and hold his hand
, “Baby, it’s normal, you’re bound to feel angry, but there is nothing you could have done, it was an accident, you can’t blame yourself for an accident that no one could have prevented, what are the chances of something like that happening? Charlie’s heart attack maybe, but who would have guessed it would happen while he was on the back of a Jet Ski, it was a terrible accident but nobody is to blame and there is absolutely nothing about it that was your fault it’s just one of those shit things that happens in life. Just talk to me though Gabe, please don’t bottle things up, I’m here, just talk, any time.”

I nod my head as I speak and eventually he nods back
, but I’m not sure if he has any idea what he’s nodding at, or if he’s heard what I’m telling him. I stand and pull on the white shirt Gabe wore yesterday; I turn to head for the bathroom, then remember what he said about the sheets, I pull the doona back, just as he walks in with my phone, shit, it’s still only a light pink colour, but there is more than there has been of late and I do have a belly ache this morning, instinctively my hand goes to my stomach.

“
What? Is it a lot? I did hurt you didn’t I? Lauren, call the doctors now, get an appointment, this isn’t right, this shouldn’t happen.”

I don’t know what happens, having such an emotional day yesterday, the accident, worrying about Ava
. Knowing that he’s right I should have gone to the doctors at the beginning of October or whenever it was that this started but I put it off, I made excuses and I put it off and I have a horrible feeling that something’s not right, and I burst into tears.

“
Baby no, no, don’t cry, sorry, I’m sorry, there’s nothing to worry about, I just want you to get checked out, that’s all.”

I know that I’m pulling my ugly cry face as I try and talk through my tears but shit, I’m scared and I need to get this off my chest
, I shake my head at him.

“
No, this isn’t right, it’s been happening for a couple of months now and I’ve had really bad stomach cramps as well, and I just don’t feel right, I’ve had this pain and I.”

He’s unlocked my phone with one hand, the other is in the front of his hair
, I sniff and wipe my nose on the sleeve of his shirt as he comes around the bed and takes my hand, leading me to the bathroom; he sits me down on the edge of the bath.

“
Hi Amanda, could I please make an appointment?”

He looks across at me
. “Who do you usually see?”

“
Rachel.”

“
Yeah, it’s actually not for me; it’s for my partner – Lauren Day.”

I shake my head at him as I mouth
“East” to him, I haven’t been to my GP in months, I’m still registered under East. I hate the look that flicks across his eyes as he realises what I’m getting at.

“
Sorry, my mistake, you would still have her registered under Lauren East and she usually sees Rachel. Yeah that’s correct, um, anytime, as soon as possible, tomorrow at 11.30? That’s perfect, yeah, okay, no worries, thank you Amanda, we’ll see you then.”

All the while he has been talking, he’s put
in the plug and turned on the taps and poured in my favourite citrus body wash, “Don’t you ever do something like this again Lauren. You don’t feel well. You say something, you understand me?”

“
I’m not a child Gabe, I know what I did was stupid, I know I shouldn’t have put it off and I know it’s probably nothing, blah, blah, blah.”

I step into the bath
.

“
I don’t need reminding, I’m wrong, I get it, stop going on at me would ya?”

“
I go on, because I care Lauren…I…You have no idea, I just found you and twice now, twice in just two months. I, I’ve thought that I might be losing you.”

He’s taken off his clothes and
has climbed in behind me whilst he’s been talking and I scoot forward to make room for him; he slides his legs down the outside of my hips and thighs and pulls me back against my chest, I raise my broken arm to keep the plaster from getting wet; he wraps both his arms across my chest and kisses my temple.

“
Do you know how much I fucking love you Lauren Day?”

“
Yes.”

“
Then try to indulge me, within hours of meeting you someone tried to break you, I feel like, something, or someone somewhere, always wants to take you away from me, I know that sounds fucked up and paranoid but…”

“
Yeah her names Alyssa, lanky, blonde whorebag and she wants to take you from me, not me from you.”

“
Yeah. So not funny Lauren, I mean it, I know I’m paranoid and irrational but I just want you safe, okay?”

“
Yes, okay, I’ve already said I get it. What time is it? Where’s Ava, didn’t you already shower?”

Shit, I don’t even know what the time is and she usually comes in for a cuddle in the mornings.

“No, I haven’t showered, I surfed earlier, while you were still sleeping. It’s about 9.30 and Ava was still sound asleep when I last checked. I have to drop her back at 2, what would you like to do this arvo?”

Our conversation has slipped back into ‘normal’ territory
, me not feeling bad, him not moaning at me, for now. We have kept ourselves hidden away since I agreed to marry him; we swore Ava to secrecy as we felt it would be disrespectful to celebrate before Charlie had been buried and we have told no one; Ava has been beside herself, desperate for us to buy a ring and let the world know. I have a thought and turn around in a most unladylike manoeuvre…but the best I can manage with my bloody arm in a cast and face him.

“
Well…We could make your daughters day by taking her with us while we go and look at engagement rings.”

Shit…What did I say wrong now? He looks like he’s going to burst into tears
.

“
Or we…”

“
You would do that?”

“
Do what?”

“
Let Ava come with us, while we pick a ring?”

“
Of course, why wouldn’t I…?”

“
You don’t want it to be just you and me?”

Is this a trick question? Am I going to be wrong, whatever I say?

“Well, yeah, that would be equally nice, but, I just thought she’s had a shit time and I just thought it would be nice for her to be included, her Mums just had a new baby and what with the accident and losing her Pops, I just thought.”