Resolution (Saviour) (28 page)

“
Do I really need to do this? I was in the hospital just last week, surely they would have picked up on a pregnancy in my blood tests?”

“
No, not unless they tested you specifically for that reason. Did they?”

I shake my head
.

“
Then I need you to go and wee in this for me Lauren, just so we can rule out any chance of you being pregnant”

“
But I can’t be pregnant I mean, I haven’t had a proper period in months, over a year, a couple of years and I’m too old, and I…”

She reaches out and puts her hand on my shoulder
.

“
It’s highly unlikely that you are pregnant Lauren but I need to rule it out before we decide what to do with this coil.”

She passes me a small pot as she talks, I look at Gabe, I have no idea what he’s thinking, his eyes are as wide as saucers
. I want to cry but first I want to vomit but I need to breathe before I can do any of that.

“
I can’t be pregnant” I whisper.

“
Just take the test Lauren and stop panicking.”

Stop panicking he says, yeah, I’ll get right onto that
. I take the pot from Rachel and go to walk out of the consulting room door when Gabe says, “Knickers Lauren.”

I turn around and see him holding up my cacks up by one finger and a lopsided grin on his face, I shrug
.

“
What’s the point, they’ve only gotta come off again” And continue making my way down to the toilets.

I turn the taps on at the sink and spend the next few minutes thinking all things cold and watery and eventually manage to fill the little brown pot almost to the top; I put the lid on tight, w
ash my hands and hold it up to the light, saying, “You had better be negative.” Before making my way back to Gabe and my doctor who seem to be deep in conversation when I enter the room but stop talking the instant they see me.

I put the little brown vessel
, containing, quite possibly, life changing material, on the desk in front of Rachel, she unscrews the lid and removes it, tearing the two sticks she has waiting in front of her from their sterile packaging, she dips them both in. My heart is hammering so hard I’m surprised nobody else in the room can hear it. I wonder what my blood pressure is right now.

“
This will just take a couple of minutes” She says with a smile glad she can smile, I still want to vomit, instead I look at Gabe, he’s grinning from ear to ear.

“
What?” I ask with a frown.

“
Nothing” He shakes his head, grinning like, I don’t know, something that grins a lot, my brain seriously can’t think straight right now. He takes my hand and raises it to his lips and while still wearing his sexy smile, which I’ve got to say, is now starting to piss me off big time, he kisses the back of my hand, then brushes his lips across my knuckles.

“
I’m glad you’re feeling so chilled and smiley, because I certainly am not.” He grins even more and I think that I might actually want to punch him.

“
Would a baby be such a bad thing?”

What?

Yes!

No!

I don’t know!

“
Are you for real? I’m forty-five Gabe; can you imagine the complications my age could cause?”

I shake my head and turn to look at Dr Rachel…NO…NO FUCKING WAY!!!

“Well, you’re definitely pregnant.”

I slump back in my chair, like I’ve just been shot
, as the room spins around me, this seriously cannot be happening. Gabe’s grip on my hand tightens.

“
Fuck yeah, a baby Lauren, we’re having a fucking baby, that’s just…wow, a baby!”

He do
esn’t get it, he’s just not getting it. I take deep breathes in through my nose and let them slowly out of my mouth, this could change everything, us, we would be over, I’m pretty sure of that. Oh God, this is so not good and Gabe’s so happy and celebrating, because he just doesn’t get it.

“
Do those things tell you how pregnant I am?” I ask the doctor, she frowns questioningly at me and shakes her head.

“
No, I will need to book you in for an ultrasound to confirm your dates, shall I do that now?” Nodding as she speaks. She knows what I’m getting at; I will leave Gabe in the dark until I get the ultrasound done. Rachel makes a call; I know the hospital is only across the street from my surgery and hope they can fit me in ASAP.

“
Can you go straight over? They can do it now if you can.” I nod, I’ve not even looked at Gabe yet but I know I need to, else he will pick up on how not happy I am about this news.

I turn towards him, smile painted on
. He has his hand over his mouth and he’s looking at me with tears in his eyes, as he says to me very quietly, “A baby Lauren, we’re having a baby.”

There are instant tears on my part and I let out a sob that I can’t keep down any longer. He leans over and wipes my tears away with both his thumbs and just like he did on that first night, he sucks them into his mouth as a single tear slides down his left cheek, the room is in total silence as I lean in and brush it from his face with my right thumb and then suck it into my mouth
.

“
I love you Lauren, I really. You have no idea.” He’s shaking his head as he speaks to me. I give out a small nervous laugh, I feel traitorous, deceitful. Going along with this, watching him get so excited at the thought of me being pregnant. For now I will play the game, before life, once again, gets ripped out from under us.

“
Can I have my knickers please; we have to go outside and cross a road and I don’t really want to risk the chance of tripping while I’m knickerless.”

“
For you Princess, anything, are you okay?” I nod and smile, I am so far from okay that mars is probably closer right now but I can’t tell him that.

“
Let’s just go and get this ultrasound done Gabe, then we will talk” I feel sick to my stomach. This has the potential to all go so very, very wrong but I don’t want to spoil the high he is obviously riding. A baby, I’m pregnant, I’m forty five and pregnant with my third child, my other two children are twenty four and twenty two, men, grown men. Whatever these scan results reveal, do I want to be pregnant? Do I want to be fifty years old and running around after a five year old? How the fuck did this happen? Well I know the biology of how it happened, I’m not that stupid. Well I am actually stupid, very stupid, I thought I was too old, I thought my baby making days were over. After everything else that’s been thrown at us during our short relationship now this. I leave Gabe and Rachel saying their goodbyes in her office and head straight back to the bathroom and basically spew my ring up; by the time I have finished, I am sweating and shaking and Gabe is behind me, holding my hair back, as evidently I hadn’t locked the door behind me. I stand on shaky legs as Gabe helps; I wash my hands and rinse my mouth with water.

“
Do you want to change the scan appointment? We can come back next week and get it done”

“
No, I’m fine, let’s do this now.”

We make an appointment to come back and see Rachel next week, at least that gives me chan
ce to take this news in, and whatever info’ the scan throws up, I’m forty five, there are just so many things to consider, so many factors that could actually decide the outcome of this pregnancy for me… and Gabe appears to be totally oblivious to all of them and for the first time ever since we met, when I look at him, I feel nothing, I am numb.

We walk out into the bright sunshine and for some reason I’m amazed that the world is just going on around me, people driving their cars, waiting for a bus, carrying their shopping and I want to shake them all and scream in their faces. “Don’t you get it, don’t you understand? I’m pregnant, I’m forty five and pregnant, do you not understand what an almighty royal fuckup this is?” But I don’t, I just hang on to Gabe’s hand and let him lead me across the road to the hospital.

I hand my slip of paper to the reception
ist and she asks me a few questions, typing the answers into her computer; every time she looks up, she looks at Gabe before she looks at me and I have to control the urge I have to pull her over the desk by her hair and stamp on her head, instead I resort to eyebrow raising and eye rolling as she looks at him, then across to me.

“
Okay, if you would like to take a seat, someone will call you through shortly” She says with her squeaky voice.

“
Are you sure? I could just leave Gabe standing here if you like, so you can eye fuck him some more.”

“
Excuse me?”

“
Lauren!”

Gabe grabs my elbow and steers me to a seat
, squeaky stands with her mouth wide open as Gabe apologises over his shoulder; I yank my arm out of his grip.

“
Don’t apologise for me, I’m not sorry, who the fuck does she think she is, looking at you like that?”

“
Whatever is wrong with you? Chill out, Jesus Lauren.”

I fold my arms across my chest and it strikes me instantly, how ten
der my boobs feel; now I notice? All the symptoms I’ve had should have made pregnancy so blatantly obvious and I never even considered it, it never for a moment crossed my mind, how did I not realise? I scowl across at squeaky who is standing with her arms folded, obviously telling her colleague what I just said to her, I smile sweetly, too sweetly, at the pair of them as they stare at me; I’m angry, angry at her, angry at Gabe, angry at the situation I am in but most of all, I’m angry at myself and that fact is just making me angrier!

My knee is bouncing again and before I even think about it, Gabe puts his hand over it and leans forward so that he can look at me
. “Will you please tell me what’s wrong? I know this is a shock Lauren and it’s gonna take some getting used to…but…Aren’t you excited, we’re having a baby, our baby, can you believe it?”

I can’t talk, I can barely breath
e and I’m trying so desperately not cry; how do I say it, how do I tell him that there’s a pretty good chance that it’s not our baby that it’s Jason’s child that I’m carrying, not his? His face is lit up, his blue eyes are sparkling, his grin is beautiful and at any other time would be contagious but all it’s doing right now is making my heart hurt so badly. I shake my head as I try to think of what to say when magically my name is called and I thank the Gods Of BUPA for my private healthcare and very short waiting times. We stand and follow the nurse to another waiting room, she shows me where the changing cubicle is and tells me to remove everything from the waist down and put on a gown but as I’m wearing a dress, I just remove my knickers, again, and go back out side to Gabe, I don’t get chance to sit down as we are called in to a small dark room and I’m told to lay down on the bed. The radiologist explains that I will be having a Trans Vaginal ultrasound. All very standard and a procedure I have had done before; my eyes look across to Gabe who is watching intently as the nurse slides a condom over the wand that is going inside me and for the first time in the last hour or so, I smile as I watch the expression on his face as it dawns on him where that wand is going, his eyes fly up to meet mine, he reaches out for my hand as he asks silently if I’m ok, I nod and give him a small smile back. I take a deep breath, this situation is entirely out of my hands, what will be will be. The machine is switched on and what looks like white noise fills the screen, the nurse asks me questions about my last period and I explain about still having the IUD in place. The room goes quiet as the procedure is started, it’s painless and I start to relax, the nurse types stuff in while the radiologist moves the wand around; I can’t make out anything at all on the screen, there’s light and dark areas and that’s about it, then I catch the radiologist look across to the nurse, the nurse ducks her head slightly and looks at the screen.

“
What’s wrong?” I ask

“
No, no problem, I err, I just need to fetch the consultant.”

“
Why?” Gabe and I both ask together.

“
I just need a second opinion, won’t be long, I’ll just fetch Dr Forde.”

The nurse follows out the door with her, probably so we can’t ask her any questions. Gabe leans forward and kisses me on my mouth
.

“
You okay baby?”

“
I’m laying with my dress up around my waist, my ankles together, my knees apart, I have just had a condom sheathed wand stuck inside my noonie and that is the very least of my problems so no, actually baby, I’m far from fucking okay.”

The door swings open and the curtain around the bed is pulled back and a very doctorly
-looking doctor introduces himself to Gabe and I as Keith Forde, he shakes both our hands, before pulling on a pair of rubber gloves and saying, “Well let’s take a look at what we have going on here then.”

The wand is slid back inside me and moved around
. He stops every now and then and looks closer at the screen. A screen filled with a whole load of nothing as far as I can see. The doctor stops what he’s doing and pulls the wand out.