Resolution (Saviour) (20 page)

I’m getting used to this sensation now and know not to panic as I come round from the sedative they gave me before the scan
. I have no idea how long I’ve been out but Gabe is back, he has hold of my left hand and is running his thumb over my fingers where the cast ends, I keep my eyes closed, enjoying the sensation for a few more seconds; As I slowly open them and focus, my stomach flips, it’s not Gabe, its Jason, he’s staring fixedly at where my wedding ring used to sit and rubbing the pad of his thumb over the now bare flesh of that finger. There are still indentations there, after wearing a ring in that spot for twenty five years they will take a long time to disappear, if ever and oddly, I don’t mind that, I don’t mind the reminder.

I watch him intently as he hasn’t realised I’m awake. There’s a bit more grey around his ear and the side
s of his dark hair than I remember, he has stubble on his square jaw but then he always does, it’s one of the things I loved about him, his nose is long and straight, he’s looking down so I can’t see his brown eyes, just the long lashes that fan out across his cheeks, he turned fifty earlier this year but could still pass for forty no problem, he’s always kept himself in shape and I watch as the muscle in his forearm moves as he strokes across my finger. He has on a short sleeved white t shirt and my eyes roam up to the muscles at the top of his arm, then across to the chest hair sticking out of the top of the v neck. He looks like he’s lost some weight. In that moment I realise, that as happy as I am with Gabe and despite the fact that I am totally and utterly in love with him and never, ever want to be without him, given the choice, I would still have preferred my marriage to have worked out, I would have preferred that the man sitting in front of me now didn’t have such a bad temper and had not taken his issues out on me, I used to believe in marriage, when I took my vows, I meant every word of them and had stuck to them for twenty five years, I feel like a failure at not lasting forever but I am pretty sure the guilt for that lies more with the man sitting in front of me right now. Does all of this make me a bad person, wishing that my marriage had worked out, when I am now so totally and utterly in love with Gabe? The way I see it, if things had been good between Jay and me, then Gabe and I would never have met, so neither of us would be any the wiser about the others existence. What I do know though, what I can say with 100% clarity is that now I have Gabe, now that we have found each other, I never want to be without him and in that moment it suddenly dawns on me, that perhaps yes, I do want to give marriage another try, with him, with Gabriel.

My lips and mouth ar
e dry and my voice sounds raspy as I whisper “Jason.”

His brown eyes come up to meet mine, reminding me instantly of how much I miss Sonny, he is the absolute image of his
Dad; I swallow down a sob.

“
Little ‘Ren, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

I let out a deep sigh, no one other than Jason
has ever called me that; most people shorten my name to Loz or Loza and Jay did that too but occasionally and always when writing in cards, he would always call me ‘Little ‘Ren’or just Ren.

“
What are you doing here Jay?”

“
I had to come Lauren, I had to come and make sure you were okay, I couldn’t stay away.”

He kisses across my knuckles.

“You took your wedding ring off.”

“
Yes I did, I no longer consider myself married.”

I look then and notice he’s still wearing his and I feel
nothing, absolutely nothing, I don’t feel sad, or happy, or triumphant. He nods, slowly and looks at me a small smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.

“
I still love you Lauren, I still love you and I still care, I am so sorry for everything, If I could change it all, I would in a heartbeat, I still fucking love you so much and I just can’t believe I behaved so badly, I just didn’t realise how much my behaviour affected you and I just want you to know how sorry I am and if there’s any chance of us sorting this mess out, then I will do anything, anything you want so that you will come back to me”

“
Don’t Jay, don’t come here and say these things to me now, after everything that you have done, everything that you have put me through.”

“
Nobody’s perfect Lauren, we all make mistakes, I bet even your new bloke isn’t perfect.”

“
No Jay, he’s far from perfect but he won’t be apologising on a monthly or weekly basis for making the same mistake for the next twenty five years, we weren’t even married the first time you grabbed me by the hair, do you remember? We were at a party and I didn’t want to go home so you grabbed my hair and dragged me out, you were so sorry, you begged me to forgive you the next day and swore to me it would never happen again and it didn’t, that’s why I was happy to marry you when your parents insisted after I got pregnant, I loved you beyond reason and was sure that you would love and protect me and our new baby, then just two months after the wedding you smacked my head against the wall after I got back late from a day out shopping and your dinner wasn’t ready, do you remember that? I was four months pregnant and you smashed my head into a wall, then you sent me flowers the next day, because you were so sorry.”

“
So are we going to relive every time I put my hands on you? Fucking hell Lauren, nobody’s marriage is perfect, I don’t know why you’re so sensitive about it all, and couples fight every day.”

“
But ours stopped being a fight Jay, I stopped fighting back because you would just hurt me more and I was never going to win, so I just stopped fighting back, that’s when it became abuse Jay.”

“
Oh no way, I never abused you, it was, it just got out of hand sometimes, you always have to have the last word, and you’re even doing it now.”

I’m wasting my time, he will never understand, he will never get it, he say’s sorry because, despite everything, he does have good manners, so to him, saying sorry is the right thing to do, it has nothing to do with regret or remorse for his actions and I realise now, it never was, he has and will
never understand what he has done to me, why it’s wrong and why I will never go back to him.

I sit up in the bed and hold
his face in both my hands as I shake my head and let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“
I love you Jay, I will always love you but we will never be getting back together, I love Gabe and I will be spending the rest of my life with him, he wants to marry me and as soon as it’s legal, that’s what we’ll do; I’m sorry but that’s just the way that it is, you had me and you treated me badly and no amount of apologising will ever put that right, I don’t believe you mean it, you think you do, but I know that you don’t and I’m sorry for that, I’m sorry that I can’t forgive you but I think I deserve better than the way you treated me and I would never trust you not to go back to your old ways.”

I manage not to cry as I talk but he has tears rolling down his cheeks and I don’t even feel guilt, nothing. I brush his tears away with my right hand and as I lean towards him, he pulls me in and kisses me on the mouth, I don’t stop him, I let his mouth linger on mine, I want him to realise, I need him to feel, that there is nothing there, on my part there is nothing, his kiss means nothing
.

“
Lauren?”

I look up to see Gabe standing in the doorway.

“What the fuck are you doing? Why is he here?”

Jason pushes up from his chair.

“She’s still my wife; I have every right to be here.”

“
You gave up your rights when you put her in the fucking hospital, get the fuck out of here before you end up in one of these beds as a patient.”

“
Gabe, please, don’t, I don’t want.”

“
Don’t want what Lauren, me? Him to leave? You want him to fucking stay? Fine, but I won’t be.”

He turns around and leaves, Jemma is standing behind him and he almost knocks her over as he goes past.

“Sorry Jem, tell your friend I wish her well.”

I look at Jason
, “Please leave.”

He nods
, “I’m sorry ‘Ren, I’m sorry for everything and just remember…”

“
Just go Jason, just go.”

He walks out of the room and past Jemma, my eyes meet hers and all I can do is shake my head, I pull my knees up and cross my arms over them, resting my head on my cast
, “What the fuck was that, what just happened, were you kissing Jason?”

“
What? No, he kissed me; I was trying to prove a point. I just needed him to feel that there’s nothing there for me anymore, I need him to finally get it’s over and then Gabe walked in, I was just trying to calm it down and Gabe thought I was taking Jay’s side and wanting him to stay and stormed off…Fucking hell Jem, could my life get any worse?”

“
Well yeah actually, your mother arrives tomorrow, that will send your blood pressure soaring.”

I drop my arms to my side and look up at the ceiling, fuck, shit, fucking shit bollocks, I am so
pissed off, and I can’t even cry I’m so angry. I look across at Jemma.

“
What did you bring me, something better than this I hope?” I pull at the hospital gown, I’m so sick of trying to keep my arse covered; I want my jarmies or at least some knickers.

“
Jo’s on her way up, she’s been to Peter Alexander and treated you to something nice, want me to help you shower or are you okay? Good to see you awake by the way, you scared me to fucking death.”

She bursts into tears before she finishes speaking and throws herself at me
, making me cry too. By the time Jo comes through the door, we are lying in my bed, eating the Ferrero Rocher that someone has left for me and crying between mouthfuls of chocolate.

“
Oh God, what are you doing? You pair of pussies, you promised me you wouldn’t cry Jem, think of her blood pressure, Gabe said she shouldn’t be getting upset”

“
Fuck off Jo, its Gabe that’s upset her, not me.”

We spend the rest of the evening talking girl talk, Jo doing most of the talking, filling us in on the amazing sexploits she is enjoying with Jake; it would appear he is as kinky as she is.

“Aside from the sex, how’s it going?” I ask her; she looks from me to Jemma and shrugs.

“
Josephine Elizabeth Myer. No way, you like him, don’t you? Wow, I’m shocked.”

She shrugs again
. “Look, he might not be Mr Right but he is definitely Mr Right Now and we are both enjoying the ride.”

“
Have you got a picture, I want to see what this man looks like who’s stolen my friend away and swapped her for someone…well someone else, someone who’s not a complete commitment-phobe,” Jemma makes a grab for Jo’s phone but she snatches it away and she actually blushes.

“
I have pics, but none that I can show you, they’re a bit, well, they’re all a bit naked.”

We all scream and giggle like school girls, Jemma and I both begging Jo to show us the aforementioned photo’s, she eventually relents, and we scream some more.

By the time the girls leave, I am showered, my hair has been washed, dried and GHD’d to within an inch of its life and I am sitting in my bed in my sexy new PJ’s. I check my phone that Jo dropped off and read all of the lovely messages left by friends and family whilst I have been unwell. I call Gabe’s number, it’s getting late and visiting will end soon and I want to see him and explain what was going on with Jay when he walked in earlier, I have a horrible feeling gnawing away in the pit of my stomach, he is under enough stress, I really don’t want him upset anymore, it goes straight to voicemail, which if he is still with Ava is understandable, I send him a text asking how Ava is doing and if he will be back here tonight, I get no reply.

The girls bought me a gourmet burger earlier so I send my evening meal away when it arrives
later; I have a bit of a headache and am feeling quiet tired after my eventful day. Andrea must have gone home as a different nurse, Megan, comes to take my blood pressure and the rest of my observations.

“
Well your BP is coming down nicely, how’s your head feeling?”

“
Actually it aches a little bit, can I have something for it please?”

“
Yep, no worries, Dr Anderson has said you can have a valium if you feel the need, it might help relax you and help you sleep, it’s up to you?”

“
Sounds perfect, I will take whatever is on offer.”

By the time the drugs kick in
Gabe’s still not arrived, nor has he returned my call or replied to my text and I’m suddenly feeling tearful and just a little bit alone as I drift off to sleep.

“
I’m telling you now, if you take them, I will call the nurse and tell her what you have done.”

“
Oh shut up, look, there’s loads, they won’t miss them and I might have some of them wipes as well, you can’t buy surgical spirit here you know, so them wipes are good, or Germoline, can’t buy Germoline either.”