Queer (19 page)
Authors: Kathy Belge
These are all signs of an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships can happen at any age and between any combinations of genders. If you think you're in an abusive relationship, you have to do everything in your power to leave. And we mean really leave. Abusers will apologize and promise to change until the cows come home. And for a while, they might be really good to you. But then the tension builds, and suddenly they strike out again. Then they say they're sorry, ask for your forgiveness, and treat you like a princess until they turn on you again. It's a pattern that will play itself out over and over again unless you stop it. It can be tempting to stay in an abusive relationship for the "good" times, but once the relationship has devolved to the point of physical or emotional violence, it has practically no chance of ever righting itself again.
If you see yourself in any of these situations, find someone you can trustâwhether it be a friend, a therapist, or a relativeâand tell him or her what's happening.
Remember that breaking up with an abusive partner can be particularly dangerous because the person is upset and angry that you're leaving. Make sure you have the support of friends and family to keep you safe, whether it's letting them know ahead of time that you're planning to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend or actually bringing someone with you when you do it. And If you ever feel like you're in immediate danger, don't hesitate to call the police.
For further help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE) for resources in your area.
Oof! What once seemed like a pot of gold now smells like week-old gym socks. Your feelings have changedâit could be you, it could be your partner, it could just be fateâand you can't seem to get back to Wonderland. Maybe you're feeling held back by the relationship. Or maybe just the thought of having another hour-long conversation about how he wants the smallest dog in the world so it can fit inside his bejeweled cell phone holder makes you want to erase your online profiles, move to China, and disappear completely. Sorry, Charlie: not gonna happen. At some point, you're going to have to have to work up the courage to break it off.
If Your feelings about someone change or if his behavior is making you more angry than happy, even after you've tried to talk about it, then you need to be honest with yourself and with him and move on. Staying with someone or being dishonest about your feelings just because you're afraid that you'll never find anything better is selling yourself short, plain and simple. And If you're not in love with him any longer but you're staying in the relationship because you're afraid of hurting himâwell, that isn't doing either of you any favors. Maybe you'll wrestle with it for a while and try to fix everything, maybe you'll go through an exhausting cycle of break-up-and-make-up. But eventually you'll have to grit your teeth and rip off the Scooby Doo Band-Aid.
How should you do it? Be direct, clear, and compassionate. And don't try to get your partner to do it for you. The worst thing you can do when you need to break up with someone is to act all cold and hope that he loses interest. You know: show up late for dinner, kiss him on the cheek instead of making out, only say "unh-huh" when you're supposed to be having a conversation. Passive-aggressive much? And if he doesn't get the hint, you'll just grow to dislike him even more because he's so clueless. You may finally get so fed up that you just blurt out a bunch of mean things. Now you've really hurt him and you also don't feel so good about yourself.
When you feel like it's time to get out of a relationship, just do it. You'll respect yourself a lot more, and he'll respect you more, too (though he might be too heartbroken to realize it at the time).
If it's time to break up, you'll need to sit your soon-to-be ex down and have "the talk." It's never easyâin fact, it's one of the hardest things to do. But remember, you're doing this for the good of you both. The conversation doesn't have to get messy. You don't have to run down all the things that bug you about her or how she did everything wrong. If you're really ready to break up, none of that matters now; nothing she may offer to do is going to change your mind. So, just say what you need to say and try to keep it brief. Avoid dragging the situation out by saying things like, "I'll call you later" or setting a time when you can talk about it more. If you want to stay friends, it's fine to say that, but keep in mind that you probably won't be the first person she'll call to have a fun night on the townâat least not for a while. And be prepared for some raw emotion from her; no one likes to be broken up with, and people often cry or yell when it happens. Just try to stay calm.
On the next page are a few ways to start the breakup conversation. Obviously, every situation calls for its own unique way of handling it, but here are some common approaches. Remember to only use the words that honestly apply to your situation (i.e., don't say you want to be friends if you don't want to).
"I've really enjoyed the good times we've shared together, but I feel it's time for both of us to move on.
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"It's been awesome hanging out with you, but I've realized that I like you more as a friend than romantically.
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"I wanted to talk to you because I don't think this relationship is going well for either of us anymore.
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"Thank you for being such a great person in my life these past few [weeks, months, years], but my feelings have changed. I really care for you, but I think we should start hanging out in a different capacity.
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Sometimes you're the one that gets dumped. Unless it's mutual or you've suspected something for a while and thus had a little prep time, it can come as a shock. You may feel angry and hopeless. You may blame yourself and immediately think that you're no good or go over every minute you spent together, looking for clues as to what went wrong. Especially as a queer person, you may feel that you'll never meet anyone again, or that no one will ever want you. All we can tell you is that those thoughts pass through almost everyone's minds when they get dumped. Thankfully, they're not true. If they were, no one would ever have a second relationship!
My Love Blunder
I always considered myself to be a romantic personâso much so that I thought my life would never be complete until I found Mr. Right. Every night I would imagine what he would be like and how he would sweep me off my feet and solve all my problems with a wave of his rough, manly hands. He would write amazing poetry! He would cook me gourmet Spanish meals! He would have perfect hair!
Finally I met someone who fit all my expectations. He seemed smarter than me, more together financially, and had a killer sense of style. I fell head over heels in love. But after two weeks, my phone stopped ringing. Whenever I'd call him, he'd act cold and say he'd get back to me. I was crushed. Finally, I confronted him about it. He told me that he just didn't find me to be that interesting.
Then it hit me. I'd been so focused on finding the perfect boyfriend that I hadn't been making myself the perfect boyfriend for someone else! I also realized that I'd gone from relationship to relationship, rejecting guys as soon as their behavior deviated from the script in my head. If he pronounced something on the menu wrong or listened to music that I didn't like or wore something on a date that didn't complement his eye colorâbam! I'd toss him on the trash heap. I missed out on some great relationship opportunities by thinking that no one I went out with was just right. I'd become totally judgmentalâand kind of mean.
After that, I took some time off from dating to make myself a more well-rounded person. I wrote my own poetry and tried to teach myself Spanish cooking. Even better, when I went back to dating, I was able to be more broad-minded and to accept people for who they wereânot who I wanted them to be.
Still, it's horrible to feel that way. Getting dumped sucks. We've both been through it, and really, the only cure is time. We know that sounds ridiculous when you're in a state of despair or heartbreak. But it's true. You may find yourself obsessing about your ex. What is he doing now? Does she still have the Ariel Schrag books I gave her? Is he seeing someone else? These thoughts are normal, but try not to let them run your life. Definitely do not stalk your ex in any way, either online or in person. That can lead to legal trouble and will only hurtyou more. Hiding behind a car, waiting for your ex to leave school is just plain creepy, even if you don't mean anything bad by it.
During times of desperation, it's easy to work yourself up into a panic or get hooked on feeling sorry for yourself. Listening to metal core and reading gloomy poetry are fine and can help you feel connected to others who feel the same way, but don't take on Depressed-and-Miserable as your new identity. You don't want to miss out on the rest of your life over someone who wasn't ready for your fabulousness! After you've cried your-self to sleep for a couple of nights and felt sufficiently sorry for yourself, shake that beautiful hair of yours and get back to living. Remember to exercise, get out of the house, spend tons of time with your friends, and get creative with your emotions, whether you express yourself through journaling, making art, or playing music. Or do something totally wild and out of character, like learning to ride a horse, joining a water polo team, or actually cleaning out your closet. It will make you feel like a better, more together person. If you are really having trouble climbing out of your funk, see a counselor or therapist (more on
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) or contact The Trevor Project or another one of the organizations in the Resources section. And always vow to grow from the experience. So what if some dork didn't get how great you are? That just means that someone else will: We promise. You're a truly unique and special person, with a ton of sexy potential. (It's true.)