Queer (23 page)
Authors: Kathy Belge
My One-Night Stand
I was 19 and had been out for about a year when I made a trip to San Francisco with two friends. We'd heard that San Francisco was a gay Mecca, and we wanted to see it for ourselves. On the drive out, my two friends got closer and closer, and by the time we reached the Bay Area, they were all hot and heavy for each other, and I was starting to feel like a third wheel.
We went out to a lesbian bar, and this cute woman, Debra, was hitting on me. I'd never had a one-night stand before, and since the friends I came with were hooking up, I decided, "Why not?" The only problem was that I was pretty inexperienced. Although I'd dated a couple of girls, neither had been serious relationships, and we'd never gotten very far.
So when I got to Debra's home, I suddenly got nervous. What would she want? Would I make a fool of myself for not knowing what to do? What if I don't touch her right and I'm exposed as the amateur that I am?
As
we made our way to her bedroom, I could feel myself trembling. Debra must have sensed what was going on because she took my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with." It turned out to be a very sweet, gentle experience.
It was then that I realized that we're not born knowing what to do in bed, and sexual inexperience is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone needs to start somewhere!
One of the best things in the world can be having sex with someone you love. But when you're young, you're still figuring out both sex and love, so it can get a bit confusing. Is it love that you feel for her? Or is it just intense attraction? Do you really want to go steady with that guy? Or Do you simply like what he does with his tongue? Because sex is so intimate, you can mistake it for love, which can lead to trouble.
For some teens, love is an absolute prerequisite to having sex, and they are willing to wait until they fall in loveâor something that feels like loveâto have sex. That way, they can feel like they're sharing an intimate part of themselves when the time is right. Other teens are OK with having sex without being in love, which is fine, so long as the sex is safe and respectful.
But for other teens, sex and love feel totally separate. They don't want to do all those hot, sexy things they fantasize about with someone as sweet and innocent as the person they have a crush on. If that's you, you might want to think about why that is and try to shift your thinking. We're not saying you need tobe in love to have sex, but If you can only imagine having sex with someone you're
not
in love with, you might be seeing sex as something dirty or weird that can pollute your partner, and it's not. It's true that sex can seem scary, as if it has a mind of its own. But when sex is an honest, loving, safe experience, it's a beautiful thing to share with someone you love.
Hold On, Bro
One night I was out with my friends, and I met this gorgeous guy who seemed really into me. He said all the right things and basically had me swooning in no time.
He took me somewhere private, and we started making out. Things started going fastâmaybe a bit too fast. Before I knew it, we had torn each others' clothes off. Our bodies seemed to have minds of their own, and we were both caught up in it all. It looked like we were about to go all the way.
But, when the time came to do the deed, Mr. Wonderful said he didn't use condoms. For a minute, I thought I was just going to forget the consequences and do it anyway. One time couldn't hurt, right? And I was afraid of hurting his feelings and ruining the moment by telling him to stop.
But something in the back of my mind said, "No way!" I knew people who were living with HIV and other people who had gotten STIs, and I didn't want to have to go through what they were going through. Also, why was I worried about hurting the feelings of someone who was willing to put my life at risk? I hardly even knew this dude!
It took enormous willpower, but I told him to stop. I said it gently but firmly and told him that we could do other stuff instead. I never actually said, "Not without a rubber, buddy," but just redirected his attention to other activities. He seemed a little disappointed, but soon we were going at it safely. Looking back, I've never once regretted protecting myself that night. It just wasn't worth the risk.
If you do start to enter into a sexual relationship with someone, certain things need to be decided, like whether or not you will be exclusive. As we mentioned in Chapter 6, monogamy is having only one sexual partner, and some people are most comfortable in that situation. From a sexual perspective, the positive side to having a monogamous relationship is that you are at less risk for catching a disease when you only have one partner. (Fewer partners always means lower risk, even If you are using protection, which you should be.) Some people also feel closer to a partner when they know that he or she is not messing around with anyone else. However, some people don't like the idea of only being sexual with one other person because it feels too limiting to them. Those people will choose to have an open relationship, in which they are free to date or have sex with other partners. Either option is OK, as long as everyone involved agrees to it. Both types of sexual relationships require good communication and trust from all involved. And remember: It's best to be honest with yourself. If you know you can't be monogamous, don't enter into a relationship with someone for whom monogamy is important, or vice versa. That scene will just lead to a lot of hurt for everyone involved.
Exploration is a big part of sex, and you might find that you're into some weird stuff. (Although if you only knew how many people were into "weird" stuff, you'd realize it's not so weird!) Some people like to role play (pretend to act like someone or something else during sex), dress up like animals, tie each other up, or wear leather and high heels. Hey, whatever makes your toes tingle! Just make sure that you don't take things too far and end up hurting yourself or the person you're with. Playing with ropes, knives, or other potentially dangerous objects can cause serious injury. And role-playing, if it gets out of hand or becomes an end unto itself, may cause psychological or emotional stress to the other person if he or she doesn't understand what's going on. Always talk about these situations first with your partner before you engage in them.
Sure, you're supposed to be over 18 to look at porn, but we know that lots of kids see it before then. In some places, it's the only exposure to queer sex that you can get. Curiosity is healthy, but don't confuse porn with information. First of all, no one has a body like a porn star, sometimes not even porn stars. (Hello, Photoshop, wide-angle lenses, and expensive wax jobs!) Sex on screen or in photos is not the same as in the real world, nor should it be. On screen, it's supposed to be a fantasy, full of tricks to make it seem more exciting. As a matter of fact, most "lesbian" porn is made by straight men for straight men and has very little to do with the way real lesbians have sex. Most gay porn is also often targeted toward a very specific audience. Porn is a business, and it's all about making money, honeyâso don't start thinking it's based on any kind of reality. As we said earlier, there's no "true way" to have sex. You should just be yourself. If you act like a porn star during sex, you might as well be a robot. You also might as well be a comedian because your partner is probably going to start laughing. Just have fun when you're having sex. There's no need to perform because (thankfully!)you're not on camera. (And remember that if you're under 18, it's seriously illegal to be naked, let alone have sex, on camera.
Right now, society puts a lot of emphasis on unrealistic bodies. Impossibly skinny chicks with big boobs fill the pages of magazines. Macho dudes brag online about how big their penises are. But despite everything you've heard, the human body is beautiful in its many, varied forms. Everyone is unique, and different people are attracted to different things. For some, penis size doesn't matter. Others are turned on by a huge member. Some think large breasts are important. Others like them small. Whether you're thin, tall, hairy, busty, or have a big nose, some people will find you attractive and some won't. What matters is that you are a wonderful person with a lot of love and pleasure to give. If people can't see you for your true self, then screw them! (Well, not literally.)
You probably spend a lot of your socializing time using some form of technology. It's cool to meet (and flirt with) other queer kids on the web, and it may even be necessary if there aren't a whole lot of other queer kids in your high school or town. The web is also great for connecting with other people in the local and international queer community, and it can give you an opportunity to meet queer adults who can offer support and encouragement. And everyone loves to communicate with friends and crushes via text. But just like your real-world life, your technological life can get complicated. Here are some things to remember as you cruise the queer sphere of technology.
Protect yourself.
There are a lot of weirdos online who might try to take advantage of you. They might say they want to befriend you but end up stealing your identity or money. Or they might want to meet you and force you to do stuff sexually that you don't want to do. Never give out your phone number or home address, and definitely do not send pictures of yourself naked. Set your profile to private and confirm your friends' identities on chat so you can be sure that you always know whom you are talking to.
Don't lie.
While you should never fully disclose your identity, phone number, or address when you first meet people online, that doesn't mean you should make up stuff. Telling someone that you're older or that you're going to meet them when you're really not is just wrong. (Remember, they're also queer and taking a chance by reaching out.) Also, the people you're fooling could get pissed off when they find out you've been lying and try to get revenge. So do everyone a favor and don't make stuff up.
Don't gossip or brag.
Sex is fun, but that doesn't mean it's a joke. Bragging about who you had sex with on Facebook to sound cool doesn't win you points; it only makes you look insecure. Gossiping about other peoples' sex lives can really hurt them, whether the stories you're spreading are true or not. That includes spreading rumors about STIs. And don't post about how you always want sex or brag about how much you like it. No one cares, and it can make you sound ... kind of desperate.
Don't cruise for porn.
You can clear your cache and empty your trash all you want, but it's still possible for someone else to find a record of every website you've been to, every IM conversation you've had, and every image you've viewed on your computer. Nothing is ever really deleted. Your parents may not know how to do it, but if they wanted to find out, they could ask someone else to check. Most libraries and schools independently monitor what you're looking at on their computers as well. You thought tripping down the stairs last year was embarrassing. Try getting found out for watching porn flicks during study hall.
Never post naked pictures.
In many states, putting up naked pictures of yourself or any other minor online counts as child pornography, and anyone who posts or views themâincluding yourselfâcan be arrested. Don't think that no one will catch youâentire police departments are dedicated to catching child pornographers. And just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean you won't be the one to get caught and get into trouble. As we said before, once online, always online. Those pictures can follow you around for the rest of your life or fall into the wrong hands and jeopardize your future. Imagine getting rejected from college or a sports team because of one bad decision you made.
No sexting.
You've been dating your boyfriend for quite some time. You've seen each other naked. No big deal. One morning you wake up with a massive hard on and it makes you think of him. You grab your phone, snap a picture, and send it to him. Shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong. We know it's tempting, and you probably look great naked on an iPhone screen. But it's illegal to have nude pictures of a minor on a hard drive, even if it's owned by another teen, so you could both get into trouble. And If you break up, Do you really want naked pics of you floating around for everyone to see, especially If you're making your sexy but embarrassing "O" face? We didn't think so.
No private meet-ups with strangers.
It can be tempting to want to meet up with someone you met online, whether as a friend, a date, or even an anonymous sexual hookup. But don't ever go alone to meet up with a stranger you met online. There are lots of people who pretend to be one person and turn out to be another. Or sometimes they are exactly who they said they areâbut are also criminally insane or want to force you into doing something you don't want to do. If you want to meet someone you met online, do it in a very public place and bring along friends. And if you were hoping to have some anonymous sex with a stranger, let that idea go. While blowing some kid you met online behind the 7-Eleven might seem like a good idea if you feel desperate and alone, it is probably going to make you feel worse than if you just hung out with friends or fantasized in your own bedroom. And if he turns out to be older and creepy, you could be putting yourself in real danger.