Queer (21 page)

All teens—queer or not—have one thing in common: You're at an age when sex is suddenly on your mind all the time. But just because everyone is thinking and talking about it, doesn't mean everyone is doing it. In fact, a 2007 study found fewer than half of high school students have had sex. So, if you aren't already doing it, you shouldn't feel like you need to start having sex this very minute. If you're not ready, don't worry—you'll get there when the time is right. If you think you are ready—or are already doing it—make sure you are informed about all of the risks involved so that you can be safe and protect yourself and your partner.

Sex can be a valuable, enlightening, and even spiritual experience If you know what you're getting yourself into and have the maturity to handle it.

How will you know if you're ready to have sex? Does a giant light bulb go on above your bed? Does a loud gong sound in the back of your mind? Unfortunately, no. (At least not that we know of!) The decision about whether or not to have sex is based on how you (and your partner) feel. Many people don't feel comfortable having sex until they fall in love. That's totally fine. Others want to have sex before then. That's fine, too. And some people simply choose not have sex, which is also a perfectly valid option. If you're like most teens, there's a good chance you feel conflicted when it comes to sex. Sometimes your mind says no but your body screams yes. Other times, your body may not feel ready for it, but your mind thinks it's the right thing to do. That's natural. Sex can be confusing, even for older people. If you can wait until both your mind and body agree on the matter, you'll probably be happier for it in the long run.

Most important, know the risks and protect yourself (more on that later in this chapter) and don't ever feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. You own your own comfort zone. It's part of what makes you special and unique. Stick to your standards and never compromise just to please anyone else, even your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Before you start having sex with someone else, you may want to have some with yourself. Apart from being fun and safe, masturbation is also a fantastic way to learn about your own body in terms of where and how you like to be touched. And because you're the only one involved, you'll rarely be disappointed! The fantasies you have while you're touching yourself can sometimes teach you a lot about yourself, too, by helping clue you in to what kinds of sexual activities you may want to explore with a partner. Of course, sometimes fantasies are just that: fantasies. So don't get all freaked out if the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders pop up in your mind while you masturbate. You may not want to have sex with 20 cheerleaders in real life, butyou might still like the fantasy. You might fantasize about straight sex occasionally—even If you're gay. Sometimes kids get freaked out about this and wonder if it means they're not really gay at all. Just remember that fantasies are one thing and reality is another.

While people often masturbate before they have sex for the first time, they don't stop masturbating just because they've started having sex with other people. Masturbation is different from having sex because you have no one else to be concerned with but your-self—and you can do it anytime you like and don't need anyone else's consent! (Although we do recommend that you do it in the privacy of your own room or bathroom.) Masturbation can be a healthy part of your sex life whether you're single, in a relationship, young, old, whatever. And despite the fact that people always seem embarrassed about it, it's nothing to be ashamed of. That doesn't mean you should go posting updates about it on your profile online. But you should know that it's normal and that pretty much everyone is doing it. Of course, if you don't feel the urge to masturbate, that's fine, too! You can play—or not play—with your body however you like.

You might be wondering what it even means for you, as a queer person, to lose your virginity. The way straight kids usually see it, he sticks his penis in her vagina and voilà! They're both devirginated. But for queers, it can be a little more complicated. Sure, you lose your virginity the first time you have sex with another person. But how do queer people define sex? Is it oral sex? Penetration? Any kind of genital contact? Does a tongue have to be involved or do fingers count? The answer is: There is no answer. Or rather, it's up to you to come up with the answer. This is another great part of being queer: You get to decide what sex is to you. You also don't need to play into any pre-established gender roles regarding your sexuality. You get to make up all of your own rules.

TV movies, and books often create a lot of mystique about losing your virginity. There's so much mystery, emotion, and build up about it. Some of it is real, and a bunch of it is just empty hype. But it is true that sharing your first time with someone special to you can often make you feel closer to them and bring back special memories later in your life.

What will your first time be like? Remember the first time you rode a bike or sang in public or tried to write a poem? You probably put in your best effort, but looking back, it wasn't perfect, was it? It's the same with sex. Your first time might be amazing, but chances are it will just be so-so. And that's OK. You wouldn't expect your

first time playing the piano to win you a Grammy. The truth is that many people walk away from their first time saying, "That's it? That's what all the fuss was about?" This isn't to say they don't want to do it again; it just usually takes a little practice to find your sex groove.

Some people think that if you're gay or lesbian, sex will be easier because you know how everything works and will automatically know what to do. That's only a little true. We've both done it with people who could probably be mistaken for our twins, and we still wound up thinking, "Whoa, you're into that?" Everyone's body is different, and that means a different sexual experience with each person, each time you do it. Sex is an expression of one's personality—it's part of who you are—and that is what makes each relationship and encounter unique.

Just as there are many different types of relationships, there are a gazillion ways to have sex. Not all gay men have anal sex, nor do all lesbians like oral sex. It's a rainbow, darling. You'll need to figure out for yourself what you like. That's why at some point it's important to find a partner with whom you feel comfortable experimenting to see what feels right to you. And learn to listen to your partner and pay attention to how he or she responds to certain things—remember, it's not all about you. Talking about sex with a regular partner can help you refine your technique. It may seem awkward at first to talk about it, but it can lead to better sex, so it's worth it. Also, have patience. You may need some practice to become comfortable with sharing your body with someone else. Very few people say no to the opportunity for more practice!

So what is queer sex? Anything you want it to be! Here are a few ways queer people have sex.

• Touching and rubbing.
  Genital stimulation can come from any body part. You can use your hands or hips or feet, or you can rub your private parts on someone's thigh, arm, butt, genitals, ankles, wherever. (This is called
  tribadism
  when women do it and
  frotting
  when men do it.) You may stroke his penis, insert fingers into his anus, or insert fingers into her vagina. The latter two may also be considered anal and vaginal sex, respectively. You may find yourself making out, getting all hot and heavy, and having an orgasm just from rubbing against each other's bodies. You may not even have to take your clothes off! It's all sex, it feels really good, and the best part is there is a decreased risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections (STIs, see
  [>]
  ) when all you do is touch and rub. If you are inserting fingers into somewhere, you may want consider using a rubber glove to help prevent the spread of diseases like syphilis, which is on the rise among gay men.
  
• Oral sex.
  Oral sex is when you put your mouth on your partner's genitals. For guys it's called
  fellatio
  or "giving him a blow job." For girls, it's called
  cunnilingus
  or "going down on her." There's no one way for oral because everyone likes something different. Using your tongue is usually a good thing. Teeth, not so much. The best person to give you feedback is your partner. Using a condom with guys or a dental dam with girls during oral sex helps prevent the transmission of STIs.
  
• Anal sex.
  Any kind of penetrating sexual activity involving the anus is typically called anal sex. This can involve penetration with the penis, fingers, or a sex toy. STIs like HIV and hepatitis B spread more easily through anal sex than via oral sex or rubbing. Be sure to always use a condom and plenty of lubricant when engaging in any kind of anal penetration, as the anus does not lubricate itself (see more on
  [>]
  ). Also, never insert a finger, toy, or penis into any body part after it's been in a butthole without thoroughly washing it. The anus has a lot of bacteria that, when spread elsewhere, can cause lots of problems. Sex toys for anal penetration made of silicone are best because, as long as they don't have electrical components, they can be easily cleaned and disinfected. Just boil them in hot water for five minutes or run them through the dishwasher. (Make sure they cool off before you use them again!) Or better yet, use a fresh condom on the toy each time. Penetrating the anus with other foreign objects like food can be dangerous, so don't do it—even if it seems like a good idea at the moment. With any kind of anal sex, go slow, remember to use plenty of lube, and stop if something doesn't feel comfortable. Sex should feel good. It shouldn't hurt.
  
• Vaginal sex.
  This is when a penis, finger, or sex toy is inserted into a vagina. Some lesbians enjoy vaginal sex with dildos—faux penises that are often made from silicone or rubber—or other types of toys, like battery-powered vibrators. As mentioned above, dildos made of silicone are best because they can be most easily cleaned. Condoms can also be used to keep the toys clean. In most places you can't buy sex toys until you are 18, so if you're under 18, toys might not be an option. Some bisexual people have vagina-penis sex just the way straight kids do. And some trans kids have it, too. Lots of gay male kids experiment with vaginal sex as well to see if they like it. Anytime a penis and vagina are involved in vaginal sex, unintended pregnancy can happen, so be sure to use condoms to prevent pregnancy—and STIs.