Queer (17 page)
Authors: Kathy Belge
If you can honestly answer yes to these questions, chances are this is more than just an infatuation. Of course, sometimes it's hard to tell if it's real love when you're in the middle of it. But If you mostly feel like a better person when you're in his or her presence, then we say it's probably love ... or something like it.
2004
Wedding Bells Are Ringing
Queer marriage has never been recognized by the federal government. We've had commitment ceremonies and, in recent years, have also gained certain domestic partnership rights, but a marriage license has remained a dream. In recent years, however, things have (slowly!) started to change. On February 12, 2004, San Francisco began issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Thousands of couples lined up at San Francisco City Hall over Valentine's Day weekend (Kathy and her partner were among them!) to get married. Soon cities around the country followed suit, including Portland, Oregon; New Paltz, New York; and Ashbury Park, New Jersey. However, in subsequent court rulings, all of those marriages were deemed invalid. Today, same sex marriage is legal in several states, including Massachusetts, Vermont, and Iowa. There's still a long fight ahead, but atleast it's now an issue at the forefront of American politics.
Besides taking the SATs, there's not much that is more stressful than meeting your girlfriend or boyfriend's parents for the first time. Here are some tips to ensure that things go smoothly.
Know what you're walking into.
Is she out to her parents? Does she have two gay dads? Do her parents head up the local PFLAG chapter? Or do they attend the Love Won Out antigay conference every year? Are you just a friend? Or do her parents know all the salacious details of your relationship? (Well, hopefully not
all
of the salacious details.) The more you know, the better you can prepare yourself for the event.
Pull out the tie and jacket.
Well, that might be going a bit overboard, but do dress a little nicer and more conservatively than you would normally. Save the "Zombie Death Squad" T-shirt for the school dance and put on your nicest jeans and sweater.
Make eye contact and speak in full sentences.
Look her parents in the eye and say hello. If they ask you about yourself, even if you're shy, try to give answers that consist of more than one word. If you're trans and her parents address you with the wrong pronoun, smile and politely correct them. ("I prefer 'he,' thank you!") You don't need to pretend that you're on the speech team, but do let them see some of your glowing personality.
Help out!
If you're invited for dinner, be sure to offer to help set the table, do the dishes, or clear the table. Even if your boyfriend sits on his big fat tush, you can impress them by showing that you have manners.
Join in.
If the family gathers around the TV to watch football or invitesyou play a rousing game of Scrabble, do your best to join in. Even If you don't know a corner back from the corner store or if spelling is your worst subject, you'll still win points for being a good sport.
Keep it down with the PDA.
Even if your girlfriend is out and proud and her parents march in the gay pride parade every year, keep your hands to yourself on this first visit. Discuss with your girlfriend beforehand what she's comfortable with in terms of hugging, handholding, and kissing in front of her folks.
Understand the rules.
Is he allowed to have boyfriends in his room? Does his family say prayers before eating? Get as much information beforehand as you can so you can abide by house rules.
The fact that you're in a relationship doesn't mean you can slack off on the romance. No one's waited a lifetime for a boring relationship! Of course, going out to dinner and long walks in the park together may get stale after awhile. And how many dozens of roses does one person need? If you feel like you're falling into a rut, embark on a fun project together. Build a fan site, learn to cook Moroccan food, start a fantasy football team. Don't be afraid to do something different that takes you out of your comfort zone. If she's really into rock climbing, but you're scared of heights, be brave and take a class at the rock climbing gym. Go to an all night rave or try camping, if that's what he loves to do. Be spontaneous. Surprise each other. Get creative. Treat your relationship like a blog or scrapbook that you want to fill up with awesome memories, quirky thoughts, and meaningful experiences.
Keep it short.
Don't overstay your welcome. You came for dinner or to introduce yourselfâbut not to spend the night! Make a good first impression, but go home at a reasonable hour. That's the best way to ensure you'll be asked to come over again!
Being a queer couple definitely has its perks: sharing clothes, making out in the bathroom, endless snuggles. But it can also be a challenge. In some parts of the country, teens are still fighting to be able to take same-sex dates to the prom or even to hold hands on school grounds. In some private schools you can be expelled for having a queer relationship. It's pretty ridiculous. Then there are occasional awkward social moments. Should you grind on him on the dance floor like everyone else is doing with their partners? Should you kiss her hello when she comes off the softball field after a game? You have to think twice before doing things everyone else does freely, which is annoying and unfair.