Queer (14 page)

Authors: Kathy Belge

BOOK: Queer

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Is it a Date?

Sometime you have a plan to hang out with someone, but you don't know if it's actually a date. He may just want to hang out and scope other dudes. Or maybe she just didn't want to go to the dance/club/mall alone. How can you know?

It's probably a date if the other person:

seems nervous
has not invited anyone else along
dresses a little nicer than usual
makes some sort of physical contact, like reaching for your hand
asks you to slow dance
offers to pay for whatever you're doing (i.e., dinner, the movie tickets, etc.)
tries to kiss you at the end of the night

If it's not immediately obvious whether this is actually a date, don't stress too much. Instead, try to just have fun. You'll both figure it out eventually.

Power off.
You might think she'll be impressed with the number of times your cell phone goes off in one night or how many texts you're getting. Boy, aren't you popular?! The question is, does she care? She'll be more impressed if you focus your attention on
her.
This is your chance for some real face time. Turn off your cell phone and put it out of sight.
Break the ice.
A first date can be clunky, and you may need to get the conversational ball rolling. Have a few starter topics. What kind of music have you been listening to lately? What's your favorite blog? Where did you go last weekend? These are the kinds of things that can lead to deeper conversations.
Keep it light.
Don't rush into the TMI (too much information) zone or get too serious. The purpose of a first date is to get to know your date and to have fun, not bring on the drama. Of course, you can talk about what's going on in your life, but do you really need to go on and on about how you're failing every class or how you keep getting nasty zits on your legs? You can get more personal laterâif and when the relationship gets more serious.
Privacy rules.
Don't take her to a place where all your friends hang out. You asked her on a date because you want to get to know her. You don't need your goofy BFF making faces at you from across the room (jealous!) or interrupting your conversation. And she doesn't want to feel ambushed and out of her element. Go someplace you both feel comfortable, where you can talk in private.
Leave your ex out.
It's OK to mention whether you've been out for a while and had previous relationships, but If you keep talking about what an evil ass your former boyfriend was or how your ex-girlfriend broke your heart when you split up, it might scare your date away. Plus, didn't you ask her out because you're over your pathetic ex?
Take it slow.
It's a first date, nothing more. Be optimistic, but don't set yourself up for a fall. He may bring you the moon and stars eventually, but making plans to go to the same college or picking out your future cats' names right off the bat is a sure sign that things are moving too fastâand that may mean trouble down the line.
Don't play games.
You should be dating this person because you are truly attracted to and interested in her, even If you only end up as friends. Using someone to show off or to make another person jealous is super lame and will probably come back to bite you in the butt.
Stay classy.
Show up on time and be courteous to your date and to any wait staff you encounter. Show your best side, even if things aren't going well and you're pretty sure there won't be a second date. You never know: Even if things don't work out romantically, he may have a friend who interests you!
Try not to judge.
The person across from you is probably just as nervous as you are. She's putting herself on the line, too! Just because she's wearing too much perfume or she's talking a little too much about how cute her baby sister is doesn't mean all bets are off. As she gets more comfortable with you and you both find a groove, you may find that the little things take a back seat to the bigger picture.
Forget about typical roles.
Queer dating can be confusing, but a lot of people make it harder than it should be by trying to invent expectations based on tired gender stereotypes. If she's girly, are you supposed to be butch? Who opens the door for whom? Who pays? Don't worry about all that. Without strict gender roles, same-sex relationships can feel more equal. There are fewer expectations about who should pay for the date, who should make the first move, or who should hold the door. The great thing about queer dating is that you get to make it up as you go along. Just be yourself and go with your feelings. Hopefully your date will do the same, and you'll be able to figure it all out together.