Picturing Perfect (14 page)

"Fine, okay. But, what about you and me?"

"I think it's pretty obvious."

An uncomfortable pause took over the already tense conversation. He was making
me
say it. Tucker never did well with guilt either.

I sighed and told him what he wanted to hear. "We're over, Tuck. We both know it."

"I guess I needed to hear
you
say it."

"So you won't feel like the asshole who dumped his pregnant girlfriend?"

"No. I swear. I just…you know, I had to know for sure. That you'd be okay without me."

"I'll survive without you, Tuck," I scoffed again.

"I know."

"And we're not going to stay together just for the baby. He deserves better than that."

"It's a boy?" he asked, his voice hopeful for the first time during this entire conversation.

"No, I mean, maybe. I don't know yet. It's too early."

"Oh." He sounded disappointed.

"Do you want a boy?" I asked, confused.

"Shit, I don't know." His voice turned defensive and I knew this conversation had run its course.

"Right. I should go," I said.

"Call me next month?"

"Sure, bye."

I sunk down to my bed, hugging my stomach and crying. Hard. An ugly cry that hadn't happened in years…not since Dad died. I needed to let Tucker go. But, he'd been my lifeline, my safety net, my life preserver…for years. Literally years of my life were spent depending on Tucker. Turning to him when I needed to cry, when I needed to throw things because I missed my dad so goddamn much. He was there for me. Always. He'd hold my hair when I threw up after drinking my sorrows away. He'd hold my hand as I sobbed. He was just…there.

And because of that, I'd felt indebted to him. I'd felt like I was his to take or leave…like our entire relationship was up to him. But, it wasn't about me anymore. And it wasn't about Tucker. It was about that tiny little life on the screen. That fluttering little heart.

I pushed up on my elbows and reached for the phone on my bedside table. It was time to tell her. I needed her with me, desperately.

Sobbing into the phone, I choked on the words, "Can you come over?"

Without skipping a beat, Auden answered, "Give me ten minutes."

Auden held me, stroking my hair as I wailed into her chest, grabbing on to her sleeves for dear life. She'd been holding me like this for at least twenty minutes and hadn't pushed me to tell her what was going on. She knew I had to get it out.

Finally, when I was completely exhausted from crying, I managed to find the words.

"I'm pregnant," I whispered.

A long pause went by. And then a deep sigh. Not one of disappointment. Of that I was sure. It was a sigh of contemplation. She wanted to help me, but had no idea how.

"Tucker?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"I haven't been with anyone else. And the doctor confirmed it today."

"How far along are you?" she asked calmly, still threading her fingers through my hair.

"Nine weeks. I'm due September 23."

"Wow," she whispered.

"I know…it's so soon," I said. Another tear slipped from my eye. It landed harshly on my hand, and I wiped it away with the sleeve tucked around my hand. Whenever I'm upset, my shirts get wrapped up like that. My mom says I've done it since I was really young. And here I was again…tucked up like a child, crying on my best friend as a child grew inside of me. It was all too surreal.

"Do you know what you're gonna do?" she asked.

"I'm going to keep it."

"You know you don't
have
to, right?" Auden asked, no judgment in her voice.

I sat up and looked her square in the eyes. "What do you mean?"

"You know…" her voice trailed off as she raised an eyebrow, looking at my stomach. "You're only twenty-two. You have so much you still want to do."

I shook my head, "That's not what I want."

"I just want you to be sure. This is a huge decision."

"Believe me, I know that," I said, feeling myself getting defensive.

"What did Tucker say?"

"He doesn't want it." I shrugged.

"Can you blame him, sweetheart? You two have been sketchy at best."

"I know, but—I just can't. I can't do that."

"Look, you took care of your dad, and now you take care of your mom. When are you going to take care of
you
? When does your life get to be about
you
, Hadley?"

"I don't know." More tears rushed out as I scrunched my eyes together in frustration. "When did my life spin so out of control? I had plans. And those plans made sense. None of this makes sense to me. None of it."

"Maybe that's the beauty of it."

"What do you mean?"

"You've always been scheduled, you've had routines that made sense. Things are a little crazy right now, but maybe that's how it's supposed to be…maybe you weren't shaking things up enough on your own. Someone else is shaking them up for you."

Auden shrugged and looked up at the ceiling. But, I didn't want to talk about God. I didn't want to talk about fate. I just wanted things to make sense again. I wanted my life to fit the picture I had in my head…and it was panning out to be nothing like that picture. Not at all.

"Whatever you decide, I'm here for you. You know that," Auden said, squeezing my hand.

"I do."

"So, what's next?"

"I see the doctor in a month."

"Okay."

"And I broke up with Tucker."

"I've been waiting for that," she said with a smile.

"It's like a part of me has died."

"Six years is a long time…and those last three were brutal. But, he's not the one, sweetheart."

"I know," I said, curling up and placing my head on Auden's crisscrossed legs. She instinctively rubbed my back and hummed a song.

Tucker was my safe place for three years, my secure dock in a sea of indecision as I dealt with my father's illness and death. And now I had to sink or swim. It was time to let go and move on. Slowly, I pushed off from the dock that was Tucker Montgomery and prepared to swim…praying I wouldn't drown.

I didn't mean to make Hadley uncomfortable that night at the dance. But, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I did. Something came over me and I just had to tell her how I felt…that she was worth fighting for. I was determined to show her that we're a good fit, a good match. I knew she felt something for me. I knew she'd felt that way for years. But, maybe I just missed my chance. Maybe I waited too long and managed to lose her.

But, I was
not
giving up.

I meant every single word I said.

Completely and entirely.

I was done pushing my feelings away.

Haddie and I were emailing practically every day, but we hadn't actually spoken since the dance. Madeline finally started to cooperate, so I'd been writing like crazy, funneling all of my frustration and emotions over my feelings for Haddie into my novel. I was almost there, almost finished. My editor was expecting it by May 1st, which gave me just a couple more weeks.

I was nervous as hell to see her. I was volunteering at Sunnyside for the next several months until the big performance in August. I was excited to see her weekly. And if I was being honest with myself, I really was looking forward to volunteering at the center. Her clients were so full of life, so lighthearted and fun. I had such a great time at that dance, even when I wasn't with Haddie. Bryce was a killer DJ's assistant, so eager to help keep our audience entertained. I looked forward to helping them select songs for the big performance. I suspected Bryce would be instrumental in that.

Haddie had also asked me to assist her with choreography, props and costumes. Oh and sets, too. So, pretty much every aspect of the show, which was just fine with me. Each Thursday, I'd be there for about four hours, assisting with all of those things.

I was happy to have the opportunity to spend more time with her, to show her how much I cared and that this thing between us was far from over. With every fiber of my being, I felt like our story had just begun.

I tried my best to calm my nerves as I walked through the doors of Sunnyside. The receptionist gave me a smile and directed me to the rec room where Haddie and Ellie were meeting. I was right on time.

They sat at a long wooden table, looking at Haddie's laptop. I assumed they were looking at playlists because each of them took turns pointing at the screen and laughing about songs and singers. Just as I was about to say hello, Haddie looked up, as if she could feel my presence.

Her cheeks turned a gorgeous shade of pink and she pushed her hair behind her ears. She looked different, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Was it the tone of her skin, maybe the style of her hair? I swear she may have even had a few new freckles on her cheeks. No matter what the changes were, she looked stunning.

"Hey," she said. She didn't stand up, and pulled nervously on her shirt as she gave me a shy smile.

"Great seeing you again." Ellie stood to greet me, shaking my hand.

"Thanks," I said, pulling up a chair and joining them at the table, purposely sitting opposite Haddie so I could have the best possible view of her. It had been way too long since I'd seen those sky blue eyes and golden hair.

"We're choosing the music for the show. We'll need to have about eight songs in all. And they have to fit our theme."

"Let me guess, the 80s?"

"Pretty close," Ellie said, rolling her eyes.

"John Hughes?"

Haddie's cheeks grew crimson as she closed her eyes tight. That grimace made it obvious. My guesses were
really
close.

"The theme is Soundtrack of the 80s. All of the songs will be from the 80s and many of them will be from movies of the decade. And there may be a song or two from John Hughes' movies."

"Of course," I said with a grin. "Simple Minds is a must."

"Absolutely," Haddie said, typing on her laptop.

"Who are they again?" Ellie said, looking confused.

"'Don't You Forget About Me'?" Haddie asked, pretending to be irritated. "It's the song at the end of
Breakfast Club
. It's genius."

"Oh…right," Ellie said. "What else should we have?"

"'If You Leave'," I suggested and Haddie stopped dead in her tracks. This was the second time
Pretty in Pink
had come up in our conversations. I wasn't trying to put her on the spot…well, maybe I was. It worked. She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked back at her laptop without making eye contact.

"Yeah, that could be a good one," she said softly, glancing quickly in my direction before staring back at the screen, completely dodging my stare. It was a good time to change the subject.

"I'm guessing you're not a huge fan of the 80s?" I asked Ellie.

"That's right. Because I'm a normal 25-year-old. I'm a child of the 90s. If it was up to me, the entire show would be Counting Crows music."

"Yuck," Haddie said. "They're depressing. This show needs to be fun and upbeat. Music that makes you want to dance."

"Fine, whatever," Ellie said. Just then, her husband Nick popped his head in.

"Ells, I need you for a minute."

Ellie hopped up from her seat, gave us a wave and followed Nick out the door. Their voices trailed off as they walked down the main hall of Sunnyside, leaving Haddie and me with the silence lingering between us.

"How've you been?" I asked, leaning in towards her. More than anything, I hoped to break her shyness with my persistence.

"Fine," she said with a nod, avoiding eye contact. Maybe I pushed too hard at the dance. Maybe I'd invented the connection between us. Maybe I was making her uncomfortable. The thought made my stomach churn.

"'In Your Eyes'?" I asked, getting back to the task at hand.

"Huh?" She looked flustered as she put her hands up near her eyes.

"The song," I said, unable to hide my smirk.

"Oh." She laughed. "I guess I misunderstood," she said, looking back down at her keyboard, shaking her head at herself.

"Your eyes are gorgeous. But, when I'm talking about them, you'll know."

Haddie lifted her chin, so her eyes locked with mine. My pulse was surprisingly calm as a satisfied smile crossed my face. She opened her mouth to speak, but said nothing. The tension was palpable. I could hear the soft rise and fall of her chest. She was trying her best to hide it, but I knew I'd rattled her. And in the best possible way. None of this was in my head.
None of it
.