Picturing Perfect (5 page)

Until now.

It was the "Book Four Curse" my buddy and fellow writer, Cameron warned me about. I allowed him to psych me out. That little shit.

I'd been staring at my Mac screen for what felt like an hour, ever since saying goodbye to Hadley and her Sunnyside clients. The blinking cursor taunted me from the empty page. Glancing at my watch, I was shocked to see that only a few minutes had passed. Damn.

Maybe I needed to stretch my legs. Just as I was standing up, my cell rang. Usually I put it on vibrate when I work. Must have forgotten this morning.

It was my sister, Auden. Expert timing, as usual.

"Hey, sis," I answered.

"Afternoon, how are ya?" I could tell she was smiling through the phone. The ever-so-chipper Auden. She could be a tour guide with her constant sunny, yet difficult, personality. Although sometimes, I had to admit, we were actually a lot alike.

Stretching my neck, I replied, "You know…better than some, not as good as others."

"You always say that. How's the writing?"

"Madeline won't cooperate," I huffed.

"She's such a pain in the ass." She laughed.

"Tell me about it. How are you today?"

I had to wonder if she'd spoken to Haddie. I couldn't imagine Haddie called her after our chance meeting, but you never know.

"It's a slow day. I met with a few doctors this morning, but none of them were really biting."

Auden had just started her job in pharmaceutical sales and it was pretty cutthroat. With her personality, I knew she could pull it off. But, she didn't seem that into it.

"That sucks."

"Oh well, that's life. And you? Just writing all day?"

"Actually, I just saw Hadley. She was here with some of her clients."

"Seriously? Oh, yeah, it's field trip day. Cool."

"Yeah, it was good to see her." I replied, trying to brush off my lingering thoughts of the gorgeous blond who still smelled like strawberries.

"I know you've always had a soft spot for
Haddie
," she said. I could hear her smirking through the phone as she enunciated the nickname. Brat.

"She's a nice girl," I said, a little too defensively.

"
Woman
," my sister corrected me. My brain knew that Hadley was grown up. But, to me she would always be my little sister's best friend who had a pretty obvious crush on me.

She was the eight-year-old who used to blush when I entered the room. I didn't notice, being only eleven myself, but my older sister, Maya always did. Hadley was the thirteen-year-old who made me mix tapes with her parents' old stereo unit when I bought my first car. At first, I was bummed that I couldn't afford to replace the old cassette unit with a CD player, but I listened to those tapes every single day. When my dad offered to install a CD player for my birthday that year, I turned him down. That was my only tape player and I couldn't stop listening to her tapes. "Soft spot" didn't even begin to tell the story of my feelings for Hadley. She always got under my skin in a way that I never really understood as a teenager. Now, I got it. But, I still had no idea what to do about it. She had a boyfriend, and from what Auden told me, they were pretty serious.

In many ways, I'd been waiting six years for that relationship to end. But, it still hadn't. I wasn't
really
waiting around for Hadley. I dated. I dated a lot, actually. And I'd had a few serious girlfriends. But, for some reason, things always came back to Hadley…my Haddie.

"Yes, woman," I said, rolling my eyes and shaking my head at my sister as if she could actually see me through my cell.

"Whatever, Jase. Listen, I'll let you get back to Madeline. Will I see you this weekend at Mom and Dad's?"

"Yep, Sunday dinner. Wouldn't miss it."

"See you then," she said before hanging up her phone. I pressed End on my phone and opened my awaiting laptop.

Damn you, Auden. For making me ponder things that I really didn't want to think about. Things I've been happy to keep tucked away in my brain.

Somehow, two cappuccinos later, I was able to finish chapter 18. Glancing at my watch, I realized I needed to head into the city for dinner with my friends. I'd have to continue writing later.

I was kind of pissed at myself, though. I had to retype the name Madeline several times as my brain replaced it with Haddie. Why did I torture myself like that? She'd been with Tucker for six years and a chance encounter in a coffee shop wasn't going to change that. I needed to get a grip.

"What's up with you?" my friend Evan asked as he poured me a beer. I ran my fingers through my hair, placing my glasses on his counter and pinching the bridge of my nose. Hoping for clarity, hoping to make sense of my afternoon.

"Have you ever run into someone from your past? Someone you couldn't get out of your head?"

Evan chuckled and cocked an eyebrow, "You're kidding, right? Have you met my wife?"

"Oh damn."

Stupid question. Of course Evan understood. He and his wife Kate were two of my closest friends. I met Kate during their breakup. Trust issues and misunderstandings tore them apart, but they realized they couldn't be without one another. They've been back together for about two years now. They're married, they're happy, they're settled. They're everything that I wanted to be. But, all of a sudden, my vision of settled and happy was including someone who wasn't mine, who couldn't be mine.

"I ran into someone from a long time ago. Someone who used to mean a lot to me. Seeing her again, it's messing with my head. I can't stop thinking about her."

"Ex-girlfriend?"

I shook my head. "Nope. My little sister's best friend."

"Ahhh. She grew up nicely, eh?" he teased.

"She's always been beautiful," I said, "but, when we were kids it was just…I don't know, it never made sense to date her. She was off-limits because of Auden."

"I see. Well, is she still off-limits?"

"Yeah, but for a different reason. She's been dating this guy since high school. They've been together for years. And Auden thinks they're on their way to being engaged."

"Shit, that sucks."

"I know," I said, cracking my knuckles before leaning my head in my hands.

"When will you see her again?"

"My parents are planning a birthday dinner for Auden in January. I'm sure she'll be invited."

"And her boyfriend?"

"Yeah, he might be invited, too. This is messed up, isn't it?"

Evan put his hands up in mock surrender and took a step back. "I'm not gonna judge, man. All I know is that I couldn't get Kate out of my head and eventually everything worked out."

"But, she felt the same about you," I said, tilting my head and glaring at him from above the rim of my glasses.

"I'm guessing this Hadley feels it, too. Just give it time."

Just then, Kate entered the kitchen, tying her hair up in a bun. She rested her hand on my shoulder and leaned in to give me a welcoming hug. I knew by her hug that she'd heard most, if not all, of the conversation.

"Jase, we've talked about this," she said.

"What's that?" I played dumb.

"You're very good at reading people. You read me right away when we first met. You sensed how conflicted and unhappy I was."

"That was different," I said, taking a swig of my beer.

"Nope, it's the same. What does your gut say about her? How does she feel about you?"

"My gut tells me she's into me. But, she was always into me when we were kids. So, that could be all it is. Memories. And, it seems pretty arrogant of me to assume those feelings are still there."

"I disagree. Some feelings get stronger over time," she said, her eyes softening as she looked at Evan.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her in for a peck on the lips. Her fingers brushed the lip gloss off of his bottom lip before turning her attention back to me.

"So, what do you think I should do?" I asked.

"Spend time with her. Make up a reason to see her," Kate said.

"Sounds kinda stalkerish," I said, waiting for Kate to smack me in the arm. Which she did.

"It's not stalkerish if she
likes
you. It's romantic. It's sweet."

"And if she's not into me?"

"Then, you'll be able to tell and you can walk away," Kate said.

"And then you'll know, dude," Evan adds.

"Okay." I drained the rest of my beer and gave them both a relaxed smile. "Let's talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"How are book sales?" Kate asked.

"Decent. They've actually picked up a lot."

"That's awesome," Evan said.

"So, what's on the horizon for Whitman Kelly?" Kate asked with a wink.

She knew I hated when she referred to me by my real first name. I'd adopted it as a pen name, but it still felt foreign to me when my friends used it.

"Book four has been rough. It's just not flowing out of me like it usually does."

"You're distracted," Kate said as she narrowed her eyes. She's always seen through me. Part of the reason we became friends so easily after we attempted to date.

Kate squeezed my hand before pulling a frying pan from the cabinet. Without a word, Evan followed her lead and gathered onions and peppers from their refrigerator.

"Can I help with that?" I asked.

"Nope," Kate said, pouring olive oil into the pan.

"Okay…well, my agent's pissed. She's trying to get a publishing deal for the Kramer series, but none of the publishers will bite until the series is finished."

"Better finish it then," Evan teased as he chopped the onion.

"Shit, I know," I nodded, "only forty thousand words to go."

"No problem," Kate said, waving her hand in front of her face as she stirred the sizzling vegetables.

"Riiiiight," I replied, shaking my head. 40k was no picnic. It would take time. Weeks, if not months. And with thoughts of Haddie filling my brain, I worried it could take an entire year to get the right amount of focus necessary to write the rest of the book.

"You'll figure it out, man." Evan patted me on the back. He drained his beer and leaned against the kitchen counter. I hoped he was right. If not, it was going to be a long year.

When I returned home from work on a bitterly cold December afternoon, the lights inside the condo warned me that my mom was home from work. Usually I arrived before her and was able to relax by myself for a while before putting on a brave face and making supper. A ripple of unease drifted through my limbs as I parked my car.
Deep breaths, Hadley. She's still the same woman she's always been.
Only she wasn't and I knew it.

The smell of garlic hovered in the air and I heard the sound of oil sizzling in a pan.
At least she's cooking.

I placed my purse near the door, taking a puff from my inhaler as I walked into the kitchen. The stone face of my mother greeted me.

"Hello, honey." The words fell from her mouth with a half smile. The half smile that I had seen for about two years, ever since she became heavily medicated so as not to be a danger to herself anymore. The medication was effective, but the result was a woman drained of almost all emotion. No opinions, no tears, no anger. Nothing. I'd learned to let it roll off my shoulders as best I could. But, most days I felt like an orphan. The woman who raised me, who supported me the first nineteen years of my life, had vanished.

I tried to see her as a roommate rather than a mother. And sometimes that helped. But, most of the time I found myself yearning for the mom who used to sit at the edge of my bed and talk to me for hours about boys, friends and movies. I missed the mom who called me every week my first semester at college and sent care packages every chance she got. But, that was before our world was turned on its side. Before my dad's diagnosis. Before everything in our lives seemed to change for the worse.

"Hi, Mom. How was your day?"

"Same," she replied, shrugging her shoulders. My mom worked for a local library. It seemed to be the perfect job for her since losing him. Every day she worked in the quiet. It was peaceful and placid. It helped calm the destructive voices that used to loom in her brain.