Picturing Perfect (8 page)

"It's been three minutes," Ellie said, with hesitation in her voice, "do you want me to look?"

The small plastic pregnancy test sat on the ledge above the sink as Ellie and I stood in the employee restroom at Sunnyside. On my lunch break, Ellie took me to buy a test because, from the moment I walked into work on this snowy January morning, she could tell something was wrong.

"Hadley," Ellie whispered as she stroked my shoulder with her fingertips, prompting a response.

"Yes, please," I said, taking a deep breath in and out. "I can't look."

She sighed to herself.

"It's positive, isn't it?" I asked. My stomach flipped in my abdomen.

Ellie turned the plastic stick, revealing two very dark pink lines encased in the tiny plastic window. My heart thumped loudly, and I felt as if those lines were throbbing, moving to the beat of my pulse.

"Yeah, it is." She shrugged, rubbing my arm softly with her hand.

"What am I gonna do?"

This is not happening.

I searched her eyes for an answer, but I couldn't find one. She looked just as confused as I felt. We'd only been friends for a few months. She had no idea what to say. Then again, neither would Auden, and we'd known each other for years. Sometimes there are no easy answers.

"Why don't we go somewhere where you can sit and get your head together? Come on, let's go to the office."

Ellie took me by the hand, leading me to our office down the long corridor. Bryce waved and I offered him a weak smile. His face fell…he knew something was wrong. He removed his earbuds and ran to me.

"What's the matter?" he asked. His face turned a shade of pale that pulled at my heart.

"I'm…I'm okay—" I choked out.

"She isn't feeling well, Bryce. Please go back to work and you can check on her later, okay?" Ellie said in her sweet, calm voice as she placed her palm on his shoulder.

"Yeah…okay. Take care of her," he said in a protective voice. And despite all of the anxiety in my chest, despite all of the fear in my heart, those words soothed me in a way I had never imagined. I was loved. I was appreciated. I was
home
at Sunnyside.

Ellie closed our office door as I slumped at my desk and placed my head in my hands. Breathing in and out, my lungs felt tense as I fought against the emotion that was struggling to escape my chest.

"What are you going to do? Are you going to tell Tucker?" she asked.

"Of course," I replied, feeling puzzled.
Why would she ask me that?
We stared at one another for a brief moment before she spoke.

"I—I'm sorry. It just seems like things have been weird for you two. And obviously you didn't plan for this…"

"And?" I asked, still confused.

"Well, you have options."

"Oh…you mean an abortion…" I said, looking down at my clammy hands.

"Yeah," she said, her voice timid and meek. "Did I offend you?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. "That's not it. It just hadn't crossed my mind, that's all."

"I'm sorry. We don't know each other that well. I shouldn't have said anything," she said, rubbing her hand against her forehead. Tension hung in the air between us. But, at least it was a distraction from the racing thoughts of
baby, baby, baby
that were circling through my head like a clogged drain.

"It's okay," I replied. "You're just looking out for me. I know that."

"Pamela will understand if you need to take the rest of the day off."

"No, I need to get through the day. I have Auden's dinner tonight."

"Can you skip it?" Ellie asked.

"No, Auden really needs this. She's been really off lately. I need to be there."

"You need to take care of yourself, too," Ellie said softly.

"I know." I nodded, closing my eyes.

"Is Tucker going with you?"

"No, he has a business dinner. Thank God. Not sure I can face him yet," I said, wringing my hands. "Hey, would you be willing to take my exercise class this afternoon? I'm not sure I'm up for that group today."

"Absolutely." Ellie smiled as she gathered my folders. "You hang out in here for a while and I'll cover your groups. I'll see you for bus duty at the end of the day."

"Great." I nodded. Ellie walked towards the door.

"Ellie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. For everything." A tear dropped down my cheek and landed on my sweater. Ellie tilted her head, let out a sigh and walked back to me. She knelt down in front of my chair and took my hands in hers.

"I know this wasn't in your plans. And I know I haven't known you long. But, if you have this child, I know you'll be a wonderful mother."

"Thank you," I said, choking on the tears that poured from my eyes.

"I mean it," she said as she stood, wrapping her arms around me as I sobbed. She held me for a few minutes, rocking me steadily back and forth, calming me gently until the tears stopped running from my eyes.

Hours later, with a fresh layer of makeup on my splotchy red face, I was feeling somewhat ready to attend Auden's birthday dinner at La Hacienda restaurant. Taking off my coat, I sat on the wooden bench near the host's desk, glancing around at the stucco walls and terracotta pots in the waiting area.

"Haddie."

I turned to see Jason as he walked through the door. A huge grin was plastered on his face as he removed his coat and sat down beside me.

"Hey there," I said, pulling on the neck of my sweater.

"No one else is here yet, huh?" he observed, looking around.

"We're the first."

"I'm sure they'll all be here soon. My parents are kinda infamous for being fashionably late."

I nodded, not knowing quite how to do small talk yet, especially with the guy who controlled my heart for years.

"So, did you have a nice Christmas?" he asked tentatively, filling the awkward void.

"It was nice, pretty quiet."

"And your New Year's?" His words stung as my brain flashed back to New Year's Eve. It was the night I got pregnant. My hand touched my belly inadvertently as I pondered how to answer him.

"That was nice, too. I can't believe it's a new year already."

"Tell me about it." He nodded. We sat in silence. The last thing I wanted to do was be dismissive towards Jason, but seeing him today of all days was unbelievably awkward. Too many feelings to process. Feelings I had been trying to suppress for almost a decade.

"So," he continued, "it was great running into you at the coffee shop. I keep hoping you'll stop back in," he said, adjusting his tortoise shell glasses.

"I really need to schedule another field trip. Thanks for reminding me." I smiled, knowing my cheeks were turning a very bright shade of red.

"I'd love to hear about your job. Your clients seemed awesome."

"I feel very comfortable there. I really love it."

"Maybe you can tell me about it during dinner?" he asked, tilting his head to the side. His dimples called to me from his tan cheeks. I used to daydream about those dimples.

"Looks like the birthday girl is here," I said, gesturing to the door.

Auden entered wearing a crimson red pea coat, a black hat and gorgeous hand-woven black scarf. She looked as beautiful as always. But, there was something sullen in her eyes. They'd been lifeless for months, ever since we boarded the plane back to Chicago. I'd tried to give her the space she needed. Auden had always been very open about her feelings. So, I knew that if something was bothering her, she'd tell me eventually.

The sadness in her eyes lingered as she walked towards Jason and me. We greeted her with hugs and birthday wishes. She raised an eyebrow at me after our hug as she peered into my bloodshot eyes. She was on to me.
Damn it.
I needed to get a better poker face.

After hugging Jason, Auden chuckled as she pointed to the t-shirt under his black and white plaid button-down. "Save Ferris?"

Jason laughed and looked down at his shirt. "Yep."

"I love that you're still wearing your t-shirts after all these years," I said with a laugh. I hadn't noticed his t-shirt when he first sat down a few minutes ago. But, when I pictured Jason in my head, he was always wearing a t-shirt…always. T-shirts with movie quotes, t-shirts with quirky sayings, t-shirts with song lyrics. I gave him a t-shirt a very long time ago. He probably forgot all about it and gave it to charity or threw it away. But, I remembered it like it was yesterday.

I was twelve years old and finally brave enough to be in the same room as Jason without blushing and acting like a fool. It was his birthday and Auden had invited me over for a sleepover. While Jason was out with his friends, I left the t-shirt in a small gift bag in front of his bedroom door. And even though I was hesitant to do it, I signed the card. There was no going back and I was scared to death. It was my do-or-die moment. He had to know I cared about him.

The next morning, sitting at the breakfast table with Auden, Jason strolled out of his room wearing his dimpled grin and the "Camp North Star" t-shirt that I had bought for him at Spencer Gifts. Underneath the symbol for Camp North Star, it simply read, "It Just Doesn't Matter."

At the time, Jason was obsessed with the Bill Murray movie called "Meatballs" and his very favorite scene was when Murray rallied the entire camp to chant "It Just Doesn't Matter!" I saw that shirt hanging in the store and knew he needed to have it. But, seeing him wear it made my cheeks blush to a horrible shade of crimson.

"Nice shirt," Auden said with a laugh, having no idea that I was the one who had purchased it. I had seen it while shopping with her at the mall, but made a special trip back to buy it alone. I didn't want her to make fun of me. This gesture meant way too much to me.

"Isn't it?" Jason said, smoothing the cotton of the navy blue t-shirt. "It's my new favorite shirt."

"Where'd you get it?" Auden persisted.

Jason grinned at me, his dimple showing as it always did, before he directed his attention back to his sister. "Someone pretty awesome gave it to me. And that's all you need to know."

"Mmm-hmmm," their older sister Maya said as she took a sip of her coffee. A wave of embarrassment swept through me and I hung my head, looking down at my bowl of Cheerios. Auden turned to look at me. Her gaze burned my cheeks, but I continued to stare at the blue bowl in front of me.

"Okay, whatever," she said, finally dropping it. I went back to eating my cereal as Jason took a seat at the table. Mrs. Kelly placed a cup of orange juice in front of him.

"C'mon, let's go listen to CDs in my room," Auden said, pulling me up from the table. I could feel Jason's eyes on me as we walked out of the kitchen. I'll never forget that smile.

Auden closed the door and glared at me.

"Did you give my brother that shirt?"

"What does it matter?" I asked, my pulse racing. I had no idea if Auden would be upset or feel threatened by my feelings for Jason. All I knew was that I wanted to keep them to myself.

"Just tell me. C'mon, vault." That was our word. The word we always used when we were promising not to tell a secret. We'd put it in our "vault" and never breathe a word to another person.

"Vault?" I asked her with terrified eyes.

"Yes, vault. I promise," she said before narrowing her eyes at me. "Are you in love with my brother?" She was always the dramatic one.

"Ummm," I started.

"I knew it!" she yelled, pointing her finger at me. "Why didn't you tell me? You're my best friend! I need to know these things. All this time, I've been thinking you had a crush on Daniel McMillon!"

"From ceramics class?" I winced. "Um, no, that's gross."

She rolled her eyes as she sat down on her bed. "Well, you're always super nice to him."

"That's because he doesn't have any friends."

"Yeah, because his breath smells."

"Auden!" I yelled, my eyes wide.

"What? It does!" She shrugged. "Anyway, I totally thought you liked him because you always sit with him in class."

"I do not like Daniel." I shook my head with certainty.

"Well, that's a relief…although I have to say, liking my brother is kinda up there as far as the ick factor goes. I mean, c'mon, it's Jason. I mean, ew."

"He's not 'ew' to me."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Umm, I kinda lost track."

"Seriously?" A look of absolute betrayal crossed her melodramatic face.

"It's been a while, all right? Remember, vault."

"Vault, I know. Okay, so you got him the shirt. What else have you done for him?"

"Nothing."

"Well, he seemed to like it."

"I know, right?" I said, finally smiling as I remembered the sweet expression of gratitude on Jason's handsome fifteen-year-old face.

I looked to my best friend for approval, "Are you sure it's okay?"

"You liking my brother?" she asked, wrinkling her nose.