Picturing Perfect (13 page)

"You're not?" I asked, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me.

"Nope."

"What do you mean?"

"The right guy gets the girl, remember? I'm going to show you who that guy is."

So desperately I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to pretend that our future wasn't already doomed from the start. I wanted to tell him that I had been in love with him for fourteen years. Instead, I glanced at the lily on my wrist.

"You bought me a corsage tonight because I didn't have one at Homecoming?" I said, a tear forming in my eye.

"Yep."

"You remember so much."

"I remember everything, Haddie. Everything."

The song ended, and I forced myself to pull away. Before I was able to utter a word, Warren tapped Jason's shoulder.

"May I cut in?" he asked. Jason smiled widely and patted him on the shoulder. He was so gracious even in times of thick, unfathomable tension.

"Of course, buddy."

Jason kissed my hand.

"Another dance later, perhaps?"

Unable to resist smiling at his charm, I nodded.

"Perhaps," I replied, a tear rolling down my cheek.

And just like that night fourteen years ago, the rest of the evening was a total blur. I know I danced with Warren, and I'm pretty sure I danced with several other clients. But, the best four minutes of the evening was the short time Jason Kelly held me in his arms.

Barry Manilow sang softly through the speakers of my gynecologist's office. I was just here for my annual exam several months ago and truthfully, I was embarrassed to be back again so soon. Most of the women in the waiting area were in their late twenties or thirties. Most of them appeared to be pregnant. Some looked uncomfortable with large, bulging bellies. One woman had a tiny little bump but was clearly ready for people to acknowledge her pregnancy. She was wearing a maternity blouse that accentuated her belly, and she continuously rubbed her tummy as she waited to be called back to an exam room.

The paperwork was ridiculous. Questions about screenings, blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. My head was swimming as I paged through it all. I wished my mom were there to know which boxes to check. Better safe than sorry. Checking all the boxes, I signed off on every screening possible. When I finished checking the final box, a nurse called me back. Before even saying a word, she placed a plastic cup in my hand.

"We need a sample from you. Write your name on the cup, put the cap back on and leave it in the window inside the bathroom. Then meet me in Room 4."

"All right."

Geez, that was a lot of instructions. My brain was on overload. And as silly as it may sound, I felt like the nurse was judging me with her eyes. Thinking about how stupid young people are these days, having unprotected sex, blah blah blah. I forced myself to take a deep breath and followed the directions I was given.

After leaving my urine sample, I made my way to room 4. The nurse was waiting for me. She took my blood pressure and weight before asking me to remove my sweatshirt. It was time for blood work. Vial after vial sat on the table, taunting me.

"Um, are you going to fill all of those?" The blood drained from my face.

"It's not as much as it seems. Can you make a fist for me?"

The nurse pressed on my skin to find a vein. Turning my head, I stared at the wall, feeling a pinch.

"Okay, open your hand," she said softly. Her voice was surprisingly soothing.

She finished filling several vials before covering my arm with a Band-Aid and patting me gently on the forearm. Next, she handed me a gown. I noticed a large machine in the room with a projection screen on the wall.

"Dr. Myers is going to give you an internal ultrasound. You'll need to remove your pants and underwear. There's a sheet for you to cover up."

"All right." I felt like that was the only phrase in my current vocabulary. My brain was too scattered to think of anything else to say.

Dr. Myers walked in just a few minutes after I perched myself on the exam table. She was a woman in her mid-thirties with long brown hair and bright blue eyes. I'd always found her beautiful. But, today, she looked stunning, almost as if she was glowing.

"Hadley, back so soon? You were here-" she paused to glance at my chart, "in November, right? Is everything okay?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant," I muttered.

"Ohhh," she said, pulling her stool up to the table where I sat, almost squirming. "I'm guessing this wasn't planned?"

I shook my head while pursing my lips.

"I see…well, now I know why we're in room 4." She looked back to my chart. "Okay, so the first day of your last period was December 17th."

"Right."

"So you're about two months pregnant, assuming you
are
pregnant."

"Is it possible that I'm not?"

"Yes. Missed periods usually do mean pregnancy, but there's always a chance that something else is happening. Stress, a hormonal imbalance. You've lost weight, and you've always been trim…it could be that you're not storing enough fat to get your period. Have you started a new exercise regimen?"

"No. But, I've been throwing up a lot."

"Ahh. Did you leave a sample?"

"Yes." I nodded.

"I'll be right back. You just sit tight."

Dr. Myers patted me gently on the knee before walking out of the room. About five minutes later she returned, looking serious. She sat back down on the stool and patted my knee again.

"Your urine test was positive. You are definitely pregnant."

"All right." There was that word again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dr. Myers asked.

"Um…not sure what to say."

"Well, we can discuss your options…" her words trailed off.

"I don't want an abortion."

"Okay, I respect that," she said with a warm smile. "Lie back, we're going to do an internal ultrasound."

She sat down, pulling the large machine towards us. Placing latex gloves on her hands, she then selected a plastic wand from the side of the machine.

"This is going to go inside of you. It's a little uncomfortable, but as you can see, it's no larger than a man's penis. Just remember to breathe, okay?"

"Okay," I replied, shaking my head at myself.

"Let's get started," she said. I took a deep breath and stared at the projection screen on the wall. The wand was uncomfortable, but I was so focused on the little
thump thump thump
on the screen that I barely even noticed it.

"What is that?" I asked, pointing at the little circle that was throbbing out of control.

"That's the heartbeat."

"Ohhh," I said, left speechless. My baby had a heartbeat. My baby had a
heartbeat
.

"I'm going to do some measurements, but I'm pretty sure everything is right on schedule. You appear to be nine weeks along."

"So, that means I'm due in…"

"We'll take a look at the calendar in a moment. Just relax and look at your baby."

"It's so small."

"That's normal," she reassured me as she clicked the buttons on the keyboard, measuring the different dimensions of the baby.

"Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?"

"Not yet. We'll be able to see that around 20 weeks or so."

"Sorry, stupid question, I guess." My cheeks reddened with embarrassment.

"There are no stupid questions during pregnancy. If you're curious about something, do just that…ask. And you'll want a copy of
What to Expect When You're Expecting.
"

"I bought it."

"Good. Then you're on the right track." She removed the wand and told me to sit back up.

"Everything looks good. Let's figure out your due date."

"All right."

She looked down at a calendar on the desk.

"September 23."

"Really? That's so soon." My heart was pounding and I felt faint. Suddenly, it was hard to swallow. And the room felt smaller somehow. Smaller and warmer. Yes, someone had definitely turned up the heat in this tiny shoebox of a room.

"Believe me, it's longer than it seems. By the end of July you'll realize just how long nine months is." Dr. Myers chuckled as she patted my leg. Despite the fact that she was obviously attempting to comfort me, the constant patting of my leg was really starting to annoy me.

"Whenever you're ready, you can get dressed. And I'd like to see you back here in four weeks."

"Thanks."

"Sure…and Hadley, I know this is a lot to take in. Make sure you get a support system in place."

"Right." My teeth clamped onto my bottom lip.

"You're gonna need supportive people in your life."

"I know."

"I know I shouldn't pry, but I've known you since you were seventeen. The father? Will he be involved?"

"Honestly…I have no idea." I said, as tears formed quickly in my already wet eyes.

"That's the first step. Figure that out first and you can handle the rest as it comes."

"Thanks, Dr. Myers."

"Of course. Take care and we'll see you in a month."

Once the door closed behind her, I got dressed and walked to the front desk to make my next appointment. When she asked for my insurance card, I panicked. Reality check number God-knows-how-many for this incredibly surreal day. I wouldn't be able to hide this from my mother for long. I had to tell her before any bills arrived from the office. This was getting more and more overwhelming by the minute. But, that tiny little beating heart had found its way into mine.

Walking to the phone, I made the call I'd been dreading since I saw that tiny little person on the screen. I owed it to that little person to make this call.

"Hey," he said, answering after several rings.

"Hey." Silence.

"You're going to talk to me now?"

"I think I have to."

"Yeah." More silence.

"I'm due September 23rd."

"So you're definitely having it?"

"Tucker!"

"I'm serious. You should think about it, at least!"

"I have thought about it."

"And?"

"I saw the heartbeat."

"What? Already?"

"Yes."

"Oh," he paused, "what about us?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, hoping to stall. I wasn't in love with Tucker. Of this, I was certain. "Do you love me?" I decided to cut to the chase.

Another pause. A very long pause.

"Had…"

"Just answer. Don't worry about hurting me. Answer."

"I don't think so, no." Instead of feeling anxious or hurt or sad, I felt relief. Unbelievable relief.

"Okay then."

"And you?" he asked.

"No," I said as gently as I could.

"Wow." I could hear the relief in his voice, as well. Although he seemed genuinely surprised. Asshole.

"Think about it. I won't pressure you. I know you aren't ready to be a father."

"Right, but I should help you. I mean, what are you gonna do?"

"You know money isn't an issue," I said.

"Oh right, the money from your dad."

"Yeah." When my father passed away, he had a substantial life insurance policy. My mom and I were very well taken care of. But, that didn't make me miss him any less. I still ached for my dad…every single day.

"Don't feel obligated," I added.

"I don't…I mean. You know what I mean."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry," he said, clearing his throat after saying the words. As if they tasted terrible coming out of his mouth. Tucker doesn't like to admit he's wrong.

"For what?" I asked.

"You know—for thinking you did this on purpose. That was fucked up."

"It was," I scoffed.

"Do you forgive me?"

"Not yet," I said, matter of fact. It was the truth.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to be a dad."

"I know."

"We're only twenty-two. I just finished college. I just started this job. And things are going really well, I just don't—"

"Tuck, stop." I couldn't listen anymore. I knew all the reasons why this baby wasn't planned. I didn't need to hear them listed for me again and again. It wouldn't change the way I felt.

"All right."

"I have my next appointment in a month. I'll call you after that and we'll see how we feel about things."