Picturing Perfect (17 page)

The tech focused on the screen, humming as she took measurements of the fetus. I hated that word. He or she is a
baby
, a
person
, a
human being
…the word fetus was just too clinical for the life growing inside of me. I tried not to take it personally since she spent her days looking at images on ultrasound screens. But to me, this was everything. This was my present, my future, my life changing moment.

"Have you thought about names?" the tech asked as she typed in more measurements, never looking away from the screen.

"Yes," I said, nodding and wiping the sweat from my brow.

"You have?" my mother asked.

"Marty," I said softly, looking into her clear blue eyes. She gasped softly.

"For your dad?" She looked surprised and…genuinely happy. Her eyes glistened and I stared at her in disbelief. Tears hadn't fallen from Allison's eyes in three very long years. Her grip tightened on my hand and she placed her other hand on top of mine. "If it's a boy, it'll be perfect. Martin would've loved that. But, what if it's a girl?"

"Martie." I shrugged. "She'll be Martina or Marta or something like that. But, to me, she'll be Martie. No matter what, I'm naming the baby after Dad."

"I can tell you if you'd like to know," the tech said. I smiled and nodded eagerly. "Do you see this?" she asked, pointing at the screen.

"It looks like a little turtle," I said, scrunching my nose. "So, it's a…"

"Boy," my mom said softly next to me.

"Yep, it sure is," the tech said. She wiped the gel from my belly as I continued to stare at the screen. "Everything looks good, but I'm going to give the measurements to Dr. Myers. You can meet her in her office."

"Thanks," I said, my pulse was racing again with those words. Gathering my things, Mom and I walked down the hall to the doctor's office.

A framed copy of an ultrasound photo sat on her desk. I didn't realize Dr. Myers was a mother. The door swung open and Dr. Myers entered the office. For the first time, I noticed that she had a very small baby bump. My doctor was pregnant herself.

"Hello, ladies," she said as she took her seat. My mom nodded at her. She'd been my mother's gynecologist for years, too. Regardless of the familiarity in the room, I was still on edge. I needed her to talk to me about Marty. I needed to know he would be okay.

"As you know, ultrasound is not a diagnostic test. But, I must tell you that everything looks normal. His femur measures at an average length, as does the skin behind his neck. There is no indication of any heart defects or anything else that, at this stage, would indicate Down Syndrome. There is also nothing to indicate Trisomy."

A huge sigh of relief left my mouth. My mom squeezed my hand as I took another deep breath in.

"Oh my god, thank you," I said.

"The only thing I'm concerned about is your placenta. As pregnancies progress, the placenta should move towards the lower region of your uterus, up towards the top. Yours hasn't moved as much as it should. So, we're going to keep an eye on that."

"What does that mean?"

"For some women, it can lead to placenta previa. If you have any bleeding, I want you to call the office immediately. Other than that, just be sure to take it easy as much as possible."

"If she had placenta previa," my mom said, clearing her throat, "what does that mean? For the baby, I mean."

"It can be dangerous and would mean bed rest until the bleeding stopped. And if you're past 36 weeks, it might mean delivering the baby. It would certainly be a C-section delivery, as well."

"Oh," I replied, clutching my belly, doing my best to process all the information given to me.

"As long as you communicate with me and take care of yourself, there should be nothing to worry about." Her smile reassured me. Somehow knowing she was pregnant too was comforting.
She understood
. She understood my worries and my concerns. I had to trust that she'd take care of Marty and me.

An hour later, my mom and I were enjoying a quiet dinner at a restaurant near the condo. I sent Tucker a text the moment we left the doctor's office, but there was no response. I couldn't say I was surprised. Any time I sent him a text or left a voicemail about the baby, he didn't respond.
Message received, Tucker. You son of a bitch.

A feeling of calm was finally running through my body, despite my slight fears regarding the possible placenta previa.

But, there was something else bothering me. Something that only my mother and I could fix. Together.

"I need to talk to you, Mom. But first, I want to thank you for today. It was so nice having you there with me."

"Of course," she said. Her brow creased as her cautious eyes gazed into mine. This was going to be difficult.

"I need to get my own place."

"I—I don't understand," she said, placing her fork on the table and her hands in her lap.

"You're not well, Mom. Not really. I know you're trying your hardest. But, with the baby coming…it's just not enough. I'm going to use the money that Dad left me."

"Hadley, I'm really not sure that's the right decision."

"Mom, I love you. But, I'm not asking permission. I'm twenty-two years old and I'm going to be a mother now. I have to do what's best for the baby. And for myself."

"But, I want to help you."

"I know, but you have to help yourself first. It's time, Mom," I said, giving her the softest expression I could as I extended my hand across the table, hoping she'd take it. She hesitated at first, but took it in her own, squeezing tight.

"Your father
would
be disappointed at how I've carried on, wouldn't he?" she asked. She looked ready to accept the conversation.

"He'd
want
you to move on. He'd
want
you to be happy. I know it may seem like a weird time for me to move out, but I think it's for the best."

"Okay." She nodded.

"I miss him, too," I said, looking into her eyes as they continued to water. She squeezed them tight and nodded, tightening her grip on my hand.

"I missed him so much it physically hurt.
Every single day
. I thought it would get easier, but it didn't. The meds help me get through the day…and I'm terrified to go off them. I don't know if I can do it, honey."

"I know, but there's got to be a better way. You need to
feel
again. The baby deserves the best of you."

"And so do you," she said, tears spilling from her eyes. "God, I've been awful, haven't I?"

"Not awful…just not you. And I
need
you."

"I can do this," she said, taking a deep breath in and smiling a brave smile. "I can. I will. I promise."

"Where would you like this box?" I asked Haddie, holding a bundle of her belongings in my arms. She had moved into a small apartment complex in a quiet, safe area of town. It backed to a beautiful wooded area and her small balcony had a really nice view. I felt good about her living here.

"Um…" she said as she searched the box for clues. "Oh, living room. It's picture frames and stuff."

"Got it," I said, placing it on the coffee table.

"This place is gorgeous," Auden said, carrying a lamp into the spare bedroom/future nursery.

"Thanks…I think it'll be good place for the baby," Haddie said, looking guilty. I knew she felt like she was letting her mom down, but I was proud of her for putting the baby first. That's the kind of thing good mothers did.

Just then, her mother walked into the living room, carrying several shopping bags.

"Groceries," she said with a weak smile. "I thought we could stock your fridge."

"Thanks, Mom," Haddie said, taking a few bags from her mom. I took them from her, giving her a wink, and placed them on the kitchen counter. I was being a little overprotective, but I didn't want her lifting anything too heavy or putting any strain on her body. Not when I was there to help.

It took a few hours, but eventually all of Haddie's belongings were moved to her new place. Auden and I offered to take her out to dinner, but she was too wiped.

"We can order a pizza," her mom suggested. Haddie looked pleased. I knew Haddie wanted to connect with her. The fact that she was reaching out was making an impact. Auden and I exchanged a glance, knowing we needed to give them some time together.

We said our goodbyes and walked to our cars. I was feeling really unsettled, but I wasn't quite able to put my finger on the reason.

"What's going on in there?" Auden asked, tapping her fingers lightly on the side of my head.

"I don't know…just confused, I guess," I said, placing my hands in my pockets.

"Wanna grab a bite? Talk about it? Maybe I can help."

No one who knew us would describe our sibling relationship as close. But, my feelings for Haddie seemed to be bringing us closer for once in our lives. She wasn't the bratty kid sister who used to drive me crazy. Instead, she was the best friend of the girl I was absolutely crazy about. Auden knew Haddie like no one else and she actually wanted to help me. I'd be a dumbass if I turned her down.

Thirty minutes later, Auden and I were eating sub sandwiches and making small talk. For some reason, I chose not to start the conversation looming around us. Luckily, Auden seemed to sense that. She finished chewing, took a sip of her Diet Coke and simply said, "She's just as confused as you are."

I nodded, knowing that Haddie was overwhelmed.

"I don't want to make things worse for her."

"I know that…she does, too. Just be patient. It'll happen."

"I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? I keep waiting for Tucker to come back into her life. I'd be a shit if I stood in the way of her having a family."

"He's not coming back," she said with a confident shake of her head.

"But, does she
want
him to?"

"Honestly, no. They were falling apart for months before she got pregnant. The baby just made it more complicated."

"Much more," I said before taking a few more bites of sandwich. Our meal became eerily silent. I looked up at my sister. Auden bit her lip and scrunched her nose.
Why is she nervous?

"What?" I asked with a mouth full of food.

"I have a confession to make." She twiddled her thumbs in a frantic way. She used to do that when my parents caught her in a lie.

"You do?" What could Auden possibly have to confess that was making her freak out? I hadn't seen her panic like that in years.

"I'm the one who pushed her to date Tucker. It's my fault she was ever with that asshole. It's my fault she's having his kid."

"Hardly," I scoffed.

"No, seriously."

"They dated for six years—you're not responsible for that. She could've broken up with him."

"I know, but her dad died…and he was there for her. She needed him after all that happened. And he stepped up. But, in the beginning, she was hung up on someone else."

"Who?"

"Don't be a dumbass."

"Me?" I asked, in shock. I knew she cared about me when we were younger. But, I didn't realize it continued for that long. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.