Penitence (2010) (9 page)

out a big breath. Good. Great. Okay. He backed to his desk. Ill call you about the time and stuff. I nodded, squelching a chuckle beneath my breath. My choice to spend the evening with Chase wouldnt go over with Britt, but I knew what shed be doing in my absence. Stalking Weston. I wasnt going to spend the night sitting outside his house in her car, staring at his bedroom window. After journalism, I texted Britt as I walked to my locker, telling her I had a change of plans. Then I waited for her to wail. In the meantime, I exchanged books, then headed outside, and searched the parking lot for Lukes blue Samurai. That morning, hed parked in his usual near-the-football-field spot, but his car was nowhere in sight now. Had he and a load of his drug buddies taken off? It wouldnt surprise me if hed forgotten me, though Id be disappointed. I thought wed connected on a deeper level since the accident, and I had the fragile hope that hed stopped using. I texted him, asking where he was. My phone vibrated: Britt. i really wanna hang 2nite chase asked me out WTF? Who? Chase from newspaper Chase Dallin? Ya have you lost it? hes cool A long pause. I scanned the parking lot again. No Luke. Where was he? i really need u 2nite pleazzzz I hated it when Britt begged. its set. Another long pause. can I come? I raised my brows. Britt as a sidekick? Was she trying to make the front page of the school paper a pity paper? Or a pathetic paper? If she was trying to manipulate the schools editor-in-chief, shed sunk to a new low. Maybe she didnt have ulterior motives. Maybe she was just looking for a good time. But she wanted to go clubbing. Being with a desk-type like Chase and doing the wild thing at a club were on opposite ends of the party spectrum. Still, I was sure Chase would get a buzz out of hanging with Britt. I smirked. I should ask him, before giving Britt the OK, but the scenes of Britt and Chase floating in my head were too hilarious for me to resist. thatll prolly b ok. cool well come get you K I laughed. Why I was entertaining visions of Boa-Britt all over clumsy Chase, I couldnt fathom, but I got a kick out of the idea. I let out a sigh. Where was Luke? I texted him again. Nothing. I looked up, scanned the parking lot and my gaze stopped. The dude in the black suit Id seen days earlier in the hallway was strolling my direction. He glided like a dancer, his smile glittering. His dark blonde hair shimmered. If he was a new teacher, I hadnt heard that any hotties had recently come on board Pleasant Grove High Schools faculty. I shot a glance around me, just to make sure his celebrity smile wasnt aimed at somebody else. I was alone. Well, hello there. His milky voice had a familiar cadence and poured into me without hesitation. Um, hi. Not only was his voice familiar, but his blue eyes had a magnetic quality I hadnt seen since Id laid eyes on Matthias. Though his hair was blonde, nearing gray, he didnt look like a senior citizen, and his black suit was totally mod, tapered at his slim hips. His dove gray shirt reflected in the color of his penetrating eyes. Do I know you? Just as beautiful as Matthias said you were. Matthias? My heart fluttered. You know him? He threw back his head and laughed. Yes, he knew Matthias, I recognized the way he laughedjust like Matthias. And Id seen those blue eyes beforein Matthias memory. My heart started to race. I know Matthias very well. Im his father. Albert. Matthias father? Questions jumped for attention in my head. Matthias had said very little about his father. Yet here the man stood. Well, not the man, but the deceased guardian man. I grinned. Wow. Yeah, I saw you the other day in the hall. Yes, that was me. Its so cool to finally meet you. Matthias has told me so much about you. Has he now? Alberts gaze shifted from me out into nothing for a few moments. He seemed to ponder my words. Then his eyes latched on mine again. Hes a sentimental boy, isnt he? Was that sarcasm or tender musing in his tone? I couldnt decipher. Matthias was right. He couldnt find the words to describe your delicate beauty. I warmed from head to toe. Really? Matthias thought I was delicate? Nice. Albert nodded and clasped his hands behind his back. The resemblance between them was in the striking blue eye color and the sharp dramatic angles of their faces. An air of confidence bounced like invisible energy in the air around them both. He must be my new guardian, that makes sense. So Matthias sent you? Im a poor substitute. Youll have to forgive me. He shared Matthias humility. Cool. I searched for the feelings of comfort and serenity I had felt under Matthias protection but couldnt find them. Of course, Albert had to touch me first. Where is he? Can youare you allowed to tell me where he is? Aunt Janis couldnt say much. He tilted his head. I dont know anymore than Aunt Janis, Im afraid. Disappointment tried to needle my heart, but I ignored it. His father was here, and that was a gift. You miss him, I can see that. Ill make sure he knows. Thank you. So, are you my new guardian? The dark suit was kind of cool, definitely more chic than the ethereal pale clothes Matthias wore. He nodded, smiled, the familiarity of his face filling the empty recesses of my longing. If thats all right with you, lovely Zoe. Will you allow me to step in? Something in his question sent a thread of unease through me. Sure. Yeah, most definitely. Why I didnt feel relieved to have another guardian Matthias father nonethelesspuzzled me. In fact, the silence that followed crackled with edginess. A beaten brown LeSabre pulled up the drag where students parked. I peered at the driver and let out a breath of relief. Krissy. She smiled and stopped. You need a ride? she asked through the lowering passenger-side window. I nodded, then looked at Albert whose gray-blue eyes fastened on Krissy in an intensity that surprised me. He probably knows her guardian, understands her back story and stuff. The fact that I hadnt seen Krissys guardian in a while made me feel better. The last time Id seen him, shed been on a mission to hurt herself. I was pleased that she seemed more content. Id look like a whack job talking to Albertto airso I tilted my head in Krissys direction, indicating to him that I couldnt talk anymore. He jerked out a nod of acknowledgement, flashing another winning smile. No worries, Zoe. Ill see you again. Okay, I said without thinking. I opened the car door, got in. Krissy didnt seem to notice my glitch, saying goodbye to Albert. I shut the door so the warmth inside wouldnt seep out. Thanks, Krissy. My brothers being a retard. Oh, Luke. Thats right, hes your brother. You know him? She slowly drove out of the parking lot. Weve had classes together. So, are you a sophomore? She nodded. As she drove, she glanced over enough that I got nervous about how little she watched the road. I locked in my seatbelt, turned and looked out the window, my thumbnail between my teeth. Matthias had sent his father in his place. I should be ecstatic. For some reason, I wasnt. How ungrateful, Zoe. I vowed to be appreciative for any part of Matthias I could have. Albert was his father after all, as close as it came to Matthias flesh and blood. Outside, snow coated every rooftop, tree and pathway, but the white edges were shrinking back, melting away in endless drips. How are you, anyway? Krissy asked. Much better these days. When I heard about the accident, I was so shocked. It must have... was it... scary? It happened so fast. Honestly, I didnt have time to think about what was going on Youre lucky to be alive. I swallowed a lump. Yeah. Im sorry, she sputtered. I shouldnt talk about it. I opened my eyes. No, its okay. No, I shouldnt. Im stupid, thats all. I looked at her. No, youre not. Dont worry about it. I had to move on and stop thinking about him. Forget that he told me he loved me. Somehow, dismiss my own declaration of love for him from my head and from my heart. Painful as it was I had to delete him from my memory. What have you been up to lately? I asked. She looked surprised Id asked. Oh, not much. Studying. And... stuff. she hemmed. So, are you friends with Weston Larson? I let out a snort. No. Why? Just... I dont know. I remembered the way she stared at him in the hall at school. Do you... like him? She shook her head, eyes wide. Oh, no. No. Not at all. Its cool if you like someone, Krissy. Though I highly suggest you look around. There are a lot nicer guys than Weston. Hes... a jerk. Really? She stared straight ahead out the window. Take the next right, I told her, almost forgetting she had no idea where I lived. She nodded. Hes seems kinda nice, she offered. I tweaked my face, then saw the unfazed, love-struck look on hers. There was no way I could stand by and let prairie-girl Krissy think playboy Weston was her type. Hed crush her lollipop. Krissy, what do you know about Weston? She drove with her right hand. Her left, snagged a string of hair hanging aside her face and began twisting it. Her shoulder lifted. Not very much. I mean, Ive watched him play football. Ive seen him hang around your friend, Britt. But I heard they broke up. Yeah, they did. Not because Britt had a moment of genius, either. What was it about Weston that blinded females? I couldnt see it. So, Krissy proceeded daintily, like eggshells were under her feet. They are broken up, right? Yup. I just think hes cute. And nice. Yeah, Westons hot. But trust me, youre looking at a beautifully wrapped package. Inside, the box is... empty. I can tell youre a deep girl. She looked over, her eyes wide. You think about things. Youre serious about life and But I dont want to be that anymore. Im not having any fun. Im not getting anywhere. I tweaked my face again. Krissy, youre probably going to graduate first in your class, get a scholarship and fly off to Princeton. Yeah, I will do all that, but Ill do it without ever having a boyfriend. It sucks! I dont want to be smart anymore. Im sick of it. I leaned back and let out a laugh. She stared at me, her eyes rounded. Im sorry. She had no idea how lucky and safe she was. Krissy, I know the grass looks greener, but there are noxious weeds and nasty bugs and snakes on this side, just like there are on your side. Its no different. Except that youre smarter than everyone else so you have the advantage. Her mouth opened, hung for a second. Her cheeks pinked. Thats easy for you to say. Youve had boyfriends, you go to parties. When you and Brittany show up at the football games, every head in the bleachers turns. How would you know how it feels to be ignored? My smile flattened. The air in the car was heavy. Im sorry. No one should feel ignored. She blinked fast, a vain effort to hide tears cresting her lashes. Im so lonely, she sputtered. I reached out and laid a hand on her arm. Like Id turned on a faucet she sobbed, tears flushing down her cheeks. She pulled the car over, jerked to a stop, crossed her arms over the steering wheel and sunk her head against her forearms. Her shoulders trembled. I patted her arm. Krissy ... Its true, she blubbered. No one knows. No one knows. No one knows? Weve all felt this way. I promise. You know, these last few weeks, people have been spreading rumors about me being possessed and stuff. I know how it A couple of weeks? She bolted upright, her face red. Ive lived with anonymity my whole life! A few weeks is nothing! Okay, maybe youre right. My point is every person on the planet goes through this. Its what happens at our ageone of our passages as teenagers. Its not fun for any of us. You expect me to believe my invisibility is as hard as yours? When were you not popular? I remember you from elementary school. You were always the center of the circle. I swallowed a knot. Shed been at my elementary school? In junior high school, you always had girls around you. I ate my lunch in the bathroom! Sitting on the toilet! I couldnt say anything to comfort her. Shed had it worse than me, that was obvious. I averted my gaze for a moment, giving her a second to control her splattered emotions. When I met her gaze again, she hadnt moved, was still staring at me like Id grown horns from the top of my head. Im your friend, I said softly. The fury hardening her face melted into soft disbelief. She turned her gaze to her crossed forearms. Thanks. Ive never had a popular friend before. Popularity is a temporary high. Like getting drunk. It feels freeing while youre doing it, but the hangover leaves you sick at yourself and empty. Id still like to try it. She looked over her shoulder at the road, then let out a sigh, turned on her blinker and when traffic cleared, she pulled out. I got drunk once. I wanted to see what all the hoopla was. My mom keeps cooking alcohol in the house, and one night when she was gone I drank a bottle. Of cooking alcohol? She shuddered. It was sick. I laughed. Uh, yeah. Do I keep going on Canyon Road? she asked. Yeah. Turn right on Twelve Hundred North. Head up the hill. She nodded. What do you drink when you party? I dont drink anymore. And I dont party either. Youre lying. Her eyes widened, staring at me. I dont drink or party anymore, Krissy. She let out a loud sigh. Then how am I going to get into one of those parties? What is it with everybody wanting to party? Chase had just told me the same thing in class. Like I said, there are better things to do. Like what? Ive studied and read my brains out. I blew out a breath. Thankfully, we were almost home. As we passed the spot where the accident happened, my heart tripped. In my head I saw Matthias in the car, just like Id seen him that night, his body and face alight with the glowing essence of his serenity, sitting next to me, his back against the door, his blue eyes clear as diamonds and latched on mine in a comforting hold that wouldnt let me go. Matthias... Do I turn? Krissys voice forced me to open my eyes. We were past the point of impact. I nodded. She took a left and was on our street. She pulled into the driveway and stopped. Thanks for the ride, I said. Sure. Any time. I might take you up on that. I opened the door, got out, then leaned into the opening. If Luke flakes. Okay, Zoe. I shut the door and watched her drive down the wet road. Lukes car wasnt anywhere, which meant Id be home alone until Abrias bus came and dropped her off. I unlocked the front door, went in and the door closed at my back. I pressed my spine against the hard wood and closed my eyes. Id gone, what, ten minutes, without thinking of Matthias until that point of impact when his image had beamed into my consciousness. So alive. So real. Where are you? I miss you. The ache in my heart caused my knees to tremble. I turned, faced the door and tried to hide the tears sneaking from my closed eyes. No one was there to see them, but I wanted to shrink from my own inability to leave him in my past and face my future. I longed for his serenity. Feeling forsaken, I wept openly,