Penitence (2010) (5 page)

nights in a row. Days recycled. But always, my first thought upon rising was Matthias, as was the last thought I held onto before falling asleep each night. After another week of convalescing, I was ready to go back to school. A combination of added strength, boredom and curiosity fueled my decision. As I dressed for the return day, I stood looking in the mirror and realized Id changed. Not physically, though I had lost a few pounds that still hadnt come back and my skin was so pale, the blue veins beneath looked like fine roadmaps. Even in recoup-mode, I looked light. Happy. My soul had traveled a journey that now shone in my countenance. I hadnt really looked at myself for a long time and in spite of the fact that beneath my long-sleeved red tee shirt there was a scarred breast, I was more pleased with the way that I looked than I ever had been. I wore my dark, somewhat-thinned hair down and straight. The stress had taken a toll on my locks, that was for sure. My jeans were a little baggy for my liking, but they were all I had. Because snow was forecast, I wore padded suede boots that looked like Eskimo slippers. I found Luke in his Samurai, the engine coughing and sputtering to a start. I went around to the passenger side door, opened it and shut it with a tinny clank. Man, I miss my car. Hey, this babys not so bad. He pulled onto the street, car reeling and halting like an eighty-year-old man dying of lung cancer. Have Mom and Dad said anything about getting you another? We havent talked about it. I hadnt even thought about it. You know... I know the guy who hit you. Luke held my gaze for a second. The guy from the log cabin, right? He nodded. Hes off the street. The house is closed down. That was a good thing. Have you stayed clean? Lukes gaze shifted to the road. He shrugged. Here and there. Just because the house is down doesnt mean I cant get stuff. Ive been trying to stay clean, but, I gotta admit, right after the accident, I blew about fifty bowls in three days. Luke, thats insane. Yeah, well... I stared out the window at the houses we passed. Lukes drug addiction hadnt beset me since the accident. Into my back and over my shoulders, pressing into my heart, the heavy concern I had carried for him before Id died was there again. I closed my eyes, let out a silent sigh. This is life. Caring for people, loving them so much you willingly take on their pains and sorrows in hopes that by sharing the burden, theirs lighten. Before Id met Matthias and seen his genuine love for Abria, for me and my familynot to exclude humanity in generalI would have said I could shrug off worries with a whatever. But that didnt work now. Whatever was a flimsy lie I could see myself through. Is there anything I can do to help you? I asked. Lukes right hand tightened on the steering wheel. Id caught him off guard with the question; he seemed to have a hard time figuring out what to say. Im good. I hoped so. Hows school, bud? Doin okay. Im getting assignments done. Not acing anything, but, you gotta start somewhere, right? Yeah. Thats good youre going. Its hard. I see people there, you know? People Ive used with. People Ive bought stuff from. They actually attend class? I teased. He let out a snort. Well, Im back now, so you can hang with me if you want. Maybe. Wed never hung together at school, not since elementary days when shy little Luke followed me and my friends around, his white-blond hair framing his face like a halo over his round, blue eyes. Hed always been the fifth (and male) wheel, but nobody minded. My friends thought he was sweet, cute and cuddly, a fact he seemed to enjoy when we were younger. Id go out of my way to include him, and Id make sure to be there for him, no matter what. I was sent back for a reason. Life was mine again, and I wouldnt waste a second doing something useless when I could do something to help somebody. Luke drove into the busy parking lot and wove in and out of bodies herding through lanes, toward the buildings. Everybody we passed did double takes when they saw me. Sheesh. Feel like Im with a celebrity, Luke mumbled, searching for a spot. Id never had the feeling he was jealous of my popularity. Was he? I cringed inwardly. Popularity was so fragile and fleeting. He parked and we got out. Students walking nearby slowed and stared. Had they all heard about my breast and were checking my form? I carried my backpack pressed against my chest. Luke and I merged with the other students. Heat flushed my face, feeling eyes scan me from head to toe. Zoe, good to have you back. I heard a male voice from my right and turned. A guy from one of my classes waved. I nodded, smiled. Thanks. Its good to be back. At my side, Luke seemed tense under the spotlight. Hey Zoe. Zoe, how goes it? Zoe, welcome back. I waved, smiled and greeted everyone who spoke to me, embarrassed, pleased and puzzled. So many people I didnt know knew me. Sheesh, Luke said and wandered the opposite direction when we got to the fork in the hall. I dug out my cell phone and texted him. meet 4 lunch? I stopped, watching his blond head in the crowd. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his cell phonereadand shoved it back. Heavy-hearted, I continued to class. Luke wasnt off base. Everywhere I went people stared like I was a celebrity. Or a freak. I had no idea what people had heard. Mom hadnt told anyone about my breast injury, she said that was my news to share and mine alone. Had Luke? In one of his baked moments, had he let on that his sister was disfigured now? I hadnt even told Britt. Britt found me in history and gushed, her attention like a heavy rain storm, with pelleting water drenching me to the skin. Always with Britt, as attention was showered, she made sure she stood inside the downpour ensuring that she got drenched too. Her voice grew louder, her movements more exaggerated and her awareness became as obvious as a circus clown. Had I ever acted like that? I was so mortified by her performance, my responses were standoffish, shocked, as if I was a child watching that clown at the circus. Our teacher, Mr. Brinkerhoff respectfully allowed me a few minutes to acclimate, asked me how I was feeling and endured fifteen minutes of Britts performance cutting into his class time, but he finally told Britt it was time for class to start. Britt texted me throughout, at first whining about how boring the lecture was, but that didnt last long. Weston soon became her subject of focus. lets find him at lunch im gonna eat with luke what!?!? fine, he can find Weston with us lol doubt that no, serious i have 2 find him please???? And I have to make sure my little brother is okay at lunch. later, k? i gotta catch up. K but ill plan on it After class, Britt went onto her next class only after I promised to meet her for lunch. Thinking about spending fifty minutes with Britt, the live firecracker, on her chase for Weston, left me exhausted. Nope. Not happening. I texted Luke: lunch? I waited for his response. Nothing. In the hallway, brushed by harried students on their way to class, I slowed, each muscle drained from the mornings exertion. I stood at my locker panting. Sweating. Maybe coming for a full day was a bad idea. I twirled the dial, opened the door and closed my eyes, sticking my head inside far enough that no one could see my exhausted face. Zoe. I jerked around. Krissy. She had on her usual blue jumperthe kind pregnant or polygamist women wear over a long sleeved white tee shirt. But, the smile she wore outshone the fashion faux pas. I didnt care what she wore anyway. What I cared about was that she was still here, alive and smiling after Id seen her grandfatherher guardianwhen she was intent on hurting herself for reasons I still was unclear about. Hey, Krissy. How are you? Good. I heard what happened. Are you okay? Tired, I leaned against the open door of my locker. Im good, thanks. Sorry I havent been around to hang out and stuff. She looked taken aback. You were in a car accident. I didnt expect anything from you. I know. But... are things okay with you? She lifted a shoulder, looked around. Her eyes latched on something and I followed her gaze down the hall to the next block of lockers. Weston. He stood staring at us, his stance stony, face pale. His dark eyes wide, unreadable from that distance. The bell shrilled, startling both Krissy and me, but she didnt tear her gaze away from Weston. Finally, she turned and faced me. Anyway, Im glad youre okay. Thanks. Slowly, she stepped back, her eyes flicking from me to Weston as the hall emptied of bodies. Did she know about what had happened at the party? I looked from her, to Weston, who stood like a statue by his locker, gaze shooting across the expanse of hall, aimed at me. Can I call you? I asked Krissy. She stopped, blinked, as if surprised, then nodded. Sure. Then she went on her way, every now and then tossing glances over her shoulder at Weston, who didnt notice. He was staring at me. A shudder wracked my body. The last time Id seen Weston, hed had his arms around me at his houseduring the raucous party hed hosted. He and Brady had put something in my Diet Coke because Id sworn off drinking and theyd planned to get back at Britt by raping me. The two of them had laughed, told me I needed to loosen up, all of this while evil black spirits crawled like ravenous rats over their bodies. Remembering the frightening sight caused my blood to ice over. I shivered. I didnt see any black spirits now, and that was a good thing. The eerily translucent creatures creeped me out. I lifted my chin at Weston determined to send him the message that he wasnt going to get to me or Britt or any other girl as long as I was alive. Sure my cold brush off would intimidate him into cowering away, I was shocked he didnt move a muscle. Psycho. I turned and reached for the books I needed from my locker. My hands shook. Get your books and get out of here. I shut my locker and jumped. Weston. His stony face and marble posture next to me. Fear had my throat in a fist. I opened my mouth but nothing came. His brown eyes were unreadable, his body language indecipherable. Closer to him, I saw faint red spots where pustules had been. Now, the red shadows mostly looked like a blotchy blush. We were alone in the hall; everyone else had gone to class. I wanted to run but my legs wouldnt move. He didnt say anything, just stared. His eyes flashed with something fear? But why would he be afraid of me? Time ticked. My throat loosened with the passing minutes and my pounding heart slowed. What do you want? I asked making sure my tone was strong. My voice broke the odd spell between us; he took a breath, blinked. He said nothing. Okay. I dont need to stand here and take this kind ofpseudo -psycho emotional manipulation. I turned and walked away. But my back felt like a thousand hot knives were embedded in my skin. I looked over my shoulder. Weston hadnt moved. I couldnt stop thinking about how weird Weston had acted. No wonder people thought he was off his rocker. Maybe Matthias had crimped the social globe in his brain when hed inflicted him with the zit disease. I smirked. Would serve you right, perv, for what you almost did. Every time I pictured myself unconscious and helpless to protect myself from Weston and Bradys assault I shuddered. How close I had come. Matthias, thank you. Where are you? My cell phone vibrated. Covertly, I slid it out of my purse and onto my desk. so lunch k? I still hadnt heard from Luke. I couldnt force him to spend time with me, but I hoped he wanted to. I was throwing him a line in the stormy sea he chose to swim in. K c u at ur car no car weston stays here now Could I be her accomplice and track down Weston after his hall weirdness? What would I tell Britt? On the other hand, maybe if she saw for herself how bizarre he acted around me, shed see him for the loser he was and move on. My stomach was a gnawing mess by the time lunch came. I couldnt tell if I was pushing it staying at school or if my weak knees and trembling arms were a result of anticipating seeing Weston again. Britt bubbled like shaken club soda. Its so strange that he stays here for lunch. At first, I thought it was because he didnt want to be seen with his red zits. But he still hangs here alone. Even without the zits. Go figure. I dont know what to say to that. She dragged me down one hall after another, her eyes scanning every door cranny and locker cubby for him. I had a hard time believing hed go to such lengths to hide. I wish hed at least talk to me. If he did, I wouldnt be slinking around like some Carrie-reject on the prowl for a date. I hate that hes making me do this. Youre choosing to do this, Britt. You dont have to and you shouldnt. Hes not worth it. I stopped when we came to the large set of stairs that would take us to the second floor of school. They looked as overpowering as Chichen Itza. I cant go up. Im bushed. Britt pulled me along each step. He might be up here. We have to check and see. What should I say when I see him? Maybe he wont ignore me with you here. Maybe hell see you and want to know how youre doing, after the accident and all. So, will you talk to him? Please? At the landing I paused, panting. Britt, I saw him already. I gulped in lunch-scented air sneaking out from the nearby cafeteria. Her eyes widened at the news. I nodded. In the hall between classes. What happened? Nothing. Nothing at all? He came over to me, but he didnt say anything. Britt, hes a weirdo. Forget him. Britt hooked her arm in mine and pulled me up the next flight of stairs. You dont understand. I love him. I cant forget him. Its impossible. Its not impossible. Yes, it is. Slow down. You have something against him, thats all. What is it, anyway? Five steps. Three. One. At last we were upstairs. I let go of Britt and grabbed for the railing. She stepped into the hall and looked right, then left. She froze. My heart sped up, matching the pace of my frantic breathing. Hes here, she whispered. Go for it, I breathed out, then turned to head back down the stairs. I really didnt want to see Weston and his cold statue attitude again. Britt doubled after me, pulling me backward. Hes here, she hissed. So go talk to him, I hissed back. I need to rest. I plunked down on the top stair and refused to budge. Please come with me. He thought you were nice. Hell want to say hi, I know it. Thought I was nice? Yeah. He saw me already, remember? He didnt say a word. Its you he hooked up with. Youre right. She smoothed her clothing, eyes locked somewhere down the hall I didnt care to see. We hooked up. We were freaking hot together. He should want me back. If he doesnt, Ill make him want me. Then she was gone. What an exercise. Weary, I pulled out my cell phone hoping Luke had texted me. He hadnt. I texted him anyway: u here at school? wanna do lunch? A second later, my phone vibrated in my hand. already ate thx ok why u need a ride