Penitence (2010) (7 page)

anxious. I stared, not able to move. He stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. Zoe. Can we talk? His voice was muffled through the glass. Why? He shifted. Because I need to talk to you. We talked at school. Ino, we didnt. Please? Contrition crimped his brown eyes. He reached out and I jerked back, but he only rested his hand on the wood of the sidelight, his piercing gaze fastened on me in a desperation I was sure would lead to him break through the door if I didnt open it. Zoe, please let me in. No. Well, how about you come out here and we can talk then? Im recuperating, for your information. His gaze skimmed me from head to toe in a thoughtful, painful look. Then he bowed his head a moment, the winter wind stirring the long chestnut waves against his face. He shifted feet again, then met my gaze. I know you dont trust me. But Im not going to do anything but talk. I promise. Man he was good. His eyes were so big and round and his face had a little boy qualitythe kind that erases suspicion with one look. If I didnt know him better, Id think he was sincere. Your promises arent worth much, Weston. He bit his lower lip. For a minute, I thought Id shut him up and this absurd and frightening moment would be over. Hed get the message that I was never going to talk to him again. But you are talking to him, dork. The pleading in his eyes mystified me. Like he really had something important to tell me. What if he could tell me something about that night, about how Matthias had stopped him and Brady from assaulting me? Maybe Id finally understand why Matthias wasnt here anymore. My pulse tripped. I had my cell phone on my bodylike I always did. I grabbed it, held it in my hand with my finger on the preset 911 button. I opened the door. We stood staring at each other. A brusque wind rippled through tree branches and bushes in a harried rush, the sound covering my frantic breath. At Westons feet, fallen pine needles and aspen leaves skittered in a frenzied dance. The doors for me, Dad, I called over my shoulder, even though I was home alone. Say what you have to say and then stop harassing me. The outside air was cold, and I shivered. No way could I stand in the threshold too long, I didnt want to risk getting sick on top of everything else. Youre cold. He was chilled, too, his hands dug deeper into the depths of his jeans, and he scrunched his broad shoulders. I should invite him inside, but I was reticent. Alone. With Weston. Was that stupid or what? Like a cat lured across a freeway for a pretty bird. Ill invite you inside but Dads upstairs. I have my phone set for nineone-one in case youre an ass. I stood back so he could come in. He hesitated, then stepped inside and I shut the door. Smells good in here, he said with a look around. Um... yeah. I never realized how tall Weston was. Maybe because whenever I saw him, I was with Britt and we were dressed up and I had shoes on. Barefoot, I felt too small, vulnerable and frighteningly uncomfortable in his presence. I couldnt stop shivering. Get a hold of yourself, you cant show fear. Thanks, he said, hands still in the depths of his pockets. My fingers remained poised on the buttons of my cell phone. Dont thank me. Im freezing. And I need to sit. Im going into the living room. Weston nodded, and his dark eyes scanned the upper hall of our home, then followed me as I walked into the living room and sat on the couch. He stayed in the entry. Zoe, I... man, this is hard. Silence. Let him squirm. I hope his veins are burning with guilt. But even as these thoughts spewed, guilt overcame me. Hes trying to say something. Youre safe, or Aunt Janis would be here. But Aunt Janis wasnt my guardianshe was Abrias. I wanted him to say what he had to say and just get out. I crossed my arms. What? A look of torment drew his features taut. He closed his eyes. A flood of pain rolled through my body. Why? What? At last, he opened his eyes, leveling me with a firm gaze. Im sorry. He held my attention, waiting, searching, aching in it. I came here because I... wanted to say that. Are you talking about the accident? He shook his head. About the... that night. The party. He lowered his head again, toeing the floor with his foot. It was wrong. All of it. A knot surfaced in my throat that I couldnt swallow. No thoughts came into my head. No words came into my mouth. Im sorry. I bit my lips together. Was I supposed to forgive him? Be done with it? Obviously, he was bothered by what hed done. But still. Attempted rape. The only thing standing between him and a jail cell was me. I understand that you think youre sorry, I began. But you could go to jail for attempted rape, you know. All color drained from his face. He nodded. I know. And Im willing to do that, if you file a report. But, Zoe, how did you know? My blood started to simmer. Whats this really about, Weston? Clearing your conscience or keeping your butt out of jail? He held up both hands. I just said I was willing to go if you file a report, didnt I? He stepped into the living room. But, I... Im sorry. Please. You have to believe me. I can see that you think youre sorry. I dont think Im sorry, Zoe. I am sorry. I rose to my feet. Why? Because you got caught? You two plotted the whole disgusting scheme. No, thats not true. Brady wan Oh, of course youre going to blame Brady. What a retard! Ive heard enough of your stupid apology, Weston. You invited me to the party so Please! His agonizing plea silenced me. His face was torn up in an unbearable expression, like some unseen force had his feet, another had his arms, and yet another reached into his chest and twisted out his heart. Let me explain myself. Please. Sweat beaded on his face. I lowered back down to the couch, spellbound. I was angry at Britt for sleeping with Brady. I admit that. I admit that I wanted to get back at her. And you told her you would, I piped. He nodded. But I would never have thought of anything like... like... Rape? I snapped. Say the word, Weston. Taste it on your tongue. Say it! He closed his eyes, swallowed. A tear escaped his eye, trailed down his cheek. Rape, he whispered. Shocked, I blinked, making sure I wasnt imagining the show of emotion. My heart squeezed. I couldnt look at him; it was like watching someone being tortured. I would never rape anyone, he continued, his voice raw. I have a mother. I would never do that. That was not my intention that night. Yes, I thought it would be... I dont know; cool, to get you drunk. But the idea of going to the motel was Bradys. But you went along? Yes. He bowed his head. Ever heard of guilty by association? What did you think would happen? That youd watch Brady rape me? Huh? Youre sick. His distraught eyes lifted to mine. I was drunk, too. I wasnt thinking straight. But you two thought straight enough that you both carried me to the car, stuffed me into the backseat, or was it the trunk? Which was it? Or were there more boys in on it? His eyes flashed with something dark. Youre asking me? His raised voice scraped the edge of curiosity. I thought you knew what happened, Zoe? You have some sort of sixth sense that enables you to know what happened so why are you asking me? Or do you like seeing me suffer? I jumped to my feet. Then swerved, my head swimming. Weston leapt toward me, reaching out to steady me. Heart pounding, I batted him back. Dont touch me! He swallowed and stepped away. The air crackled between us. You suffering? I hissed. We didnt rape you. You were going to. But we didnt! No crime was committed, Zoe! So that makes it okay? He paused, eyeing me. No. The rough edges around his countenance softened. Look. His voice was quiet, penitent. I came here to ask you to forgive me. I dont know if thats possible. I can see that youre really upset and I dont blame you. Maybe I shouldnt have come. It was probably a bad idea. What else happened that night? What do you mean? I mean, lets hear this from the beginning. I really dont want to go over it again. I really want you to. He stared at me long, hard, then took a deep breath. Ive done what I came to do. Except you havent gotten my forgiveness. Another silence crackled between us. He waited, holding my gaze for a long, tense moment then turned and headed for the door. He put his hand on the knob, stared at it, then looked over. I really am sorry. Then he opened the door. Wait a minute. I crossed to him. You arent going anywhere until I hear what happened that night. Could he tell me something about Matthias? He searched my eyes, his desperate. How did you know? he whispered. It was clear he wanted answers, just like me. I took a deep breath. Even though I hadnt been coherent during the attempted assaulthe was right, no assault had actually taken placebut I couldnt get beyond the fact that the two of them would have committed a terrible, irreversible crime that night if Matthias had not stepped in. A friend told me, I said. Confusion flashed in his eyes. No one knew. Did... was it Brady? Are you kidding? That slime? No, your buddy in crime is as guilty as you are. He crammed a hand through his hair and shut the door, facing me. Hes not my buddy. Were not friends anymore. And this news is supposed to placate me? You really do live in another world, Weston. The Weston world of everything-revolves-around-me, I-geteverything-I-wantincluding absolution! Well, youre not getting it from me. If it makes you feel better holding onto anger, then go ahead. His jaw drew tight. I cant expect you to forgive me, I can only ask. You can spend the rest of your life on your knees. I wont forgive you and I will never forget. I reached past him, elbowing him aside, and yanked the door open. All I wanted you to do was tell me what happened that nightin your own wordsand you cant bring yourself to do that? I dont know, sounds like a lame apology to me. His dark eyes narrowed. He reached up, took the edge of the door in one of his large palms and slammed it shut. Fine. My body trembled, fear skittering like mice loose inside me. I lifted my chin. Okay. So? You passed out. I carried you into our guest room and put you on the bed. Brady wanted to go at you right there, but I told him forget it. From the start, I didnt like the idea. I mean... its so... its wrong. He paced, his hands shoved in his hair, as though his head ached. Brady wouldnt leave it alone. He kept bugging me about it. I told him we should get back to the party, that youd come to with a hangover and we could play with your head, you know, tell you wed gotten on you and stuff, but we wouldnt actually do it. I was afraid to leave him in there with you, he was so... he wanted to mess you up. He stopped, dragged his fingers down his face. Do you have a bathroom? His face paled. Id seen that look, and I pointed to the bathroom door. He ran. I heard him vomiting violently and covered my mouth, my body going into spasms in response to his sounds. Finally, he came out, the back of his hand at his lips. Sorry. I didnt say anything, just crossed my arms over my chest. And? And... I told him not in my house. His uncle manages this motel downtown. I refused to go. He said hed take you there himself, but he was drunk, so You thought two drunks are better than one? This story got more horrifying by the minute. We could have all died in a car crash. Yeah, I know. Then what? My nerves shivered with anticipation. We drove to the motel. I cant believe we drove there and made it. But we did. Brady went in the office while I stayed in the car. I carried you into the room and... put you on the bed. His body drew tight. The minute I laid you down, Brady went for it. But he... he literally touched you once and... youre not going to believe me. My stomach bunched. Try me. He flew back. Im not kidding. He flew in the air and hit the wall. Ive never seen anything like it. Freaked me out. Brady wet himself, he was so scared. He said you were possessed. And he ran out. The air in that room... it was charged with something Ive never felt before. Like a lightning storm. The hair on my body stood straight up. I swear. My heart raced so fast, I thought it was going to explode. I thought I was going to die. Be struck dead or something. So, I ran. Weston looked relieved having told me. I let out a long, slow breath. Theyd felt Matthias wrath, even if they hadnt seen him. Thank you, Matthias. I closed my eyes. Why are you smiling? Westons voice was curious and tentative. My eyes flashed. I was smiling. I didnt completely dissolve it, any reaction in response to Matthias was worth holding onto and savoring. Even if it made Weston uncomfortable. Or curious. I was thinking about someone. The guy who told you? Howwhat makes you think it was a guy? Because none of your close friends were at the party. Britt wasnt there. I reached for the front door and opened it. Im sorry, Zoe, he said again. Im sorry we left you there. That was... stupid. Irresponsible. It was. How... How did I get home? He nodded. A friend, I said. He studied me. Sounds like a good friend. The best. I heard commotion from outside. Moms minivan pulled into the driveway. A few seconds later, a car door opened, then Abria sailed past me and Weston without looking at either of us. Behind her, Luke ambled. He did a double take at Weston, then shot him a glare. As he passed, he whispered, Loser, under his breath. Westons body ticked as if itchy. Mom came next. Dad followed. Weston shot me an I-thought-yourdad-was-home look. Dad stopped on the stoop and visually assessed the sight of his recuperating daughter talking to a stranger. Joe Dodd. He held out a hand to Weston, who returned the greeting with a genial shake. Weston Larson. Debbie, Mom introduced herself to Weston, then lifted her brows at me as she passed us on her way inside to track down Abria. Dad continued inside, leaving Weston and me alone. Ill go now, he said. He held my gaze. I gave him credit for good eye contact, especially in light of the circumstances. At least he wasnt a coward. Finally, he turned and strode down the walkway to his silver truck. I shut the door, leaned my back against it and let out a sigh. Moms head peered from around the corner. Wasnt that Britts boyfriend? I nodded. And headed into the kitchen. Mom stopped at the counter, and gazed at the Sunset Rolls. Are those Sunset Rolls? Her face gleamed. I lifted a shoulder and enjoyed the pride surging through me. Yeah. I love those! She embraced me. What a great surprise! Want one? My appetite was gone after Westons visit. I shook my head and sat on a barstool at the counter. No thanks. You enjoy them. Mom eagerly cut into the doughy rolls. Are Britt and Weston back together? No. My head was in a jumble. Westons attempt to make amends wouldnt leave me. Hed seemed so desperate to clear himself, but did he really think words alone would do the job? Mom pulled out a fork and cut into the rolls. These look perfect. I cant believe you made them. Theyre my favorite.