Penitence (2010) (4 page)

know real love if it wrapped its arms around her. Fine. Then pester him until he gives in. Why are you being such a beotch about this? Gee, I dont know, I snapped. Maybe because Im still recuperating from being hit by an oncoming car at fifty miles an hour and spending three weeks in the hospital. The air between us sizzled. Britt tensed, glared, then blew out a breath. Yeah. Thats probably it. I could have rolled my eyes, but didnt. I was too tired. Im really wasted. Oh, yeah. You want me to put on something? We could see if there are any Lifetime movies on, do a girls day, call for a pizza. Did she see that I looked like recovering road kill? What about school? Nah. I dont have to go. Besides, Ill just see Weston and that will be unbearable. She noticed that I squeezed at throw pillow to my chest and plucked one for herself, holding it tight. I love him so much, Zoe. These last few weeks have been freaking torture! So this was how it was going to be: me enduring her and her enduring Weston. I know. I have to get through to him. Yeah. I have to make him see that Im still the one for him. The one for what? Britt, you havent even graduated from high school. But we will in a few months. Hes the one, Zoe. I know it. Ive never felt this way about anyone else before. Never. This has to be it. Her eyes locked on mine. I cant expect you to understand what I feel. Its love, Zoe. Love. The word speared my heart. My arms tightened around the pillow against my chest. I was a hypocrite. I knew what love was, I loved Matthias. Still, Britt and Weston and Matthias and I... the comparison was like comparing sand to rock. One was solid, something you could hold on to, build upon, something that would last forever. The other blew with the whim of a breeze and washed away. Still, if I had a chance to see Matthias again, I knew what I would do. Then you have to go after him. Five Britt stayed and we watched Danielle Steeles Jewels, an old mini series we remained glued to for its entire six hours. Bad choice for Britt, because she bawled most of the show. I dozed on and off, awakened by her occasional sobs. Even when my parents came home, made dinner, and we ate, Britt didnt leave her spot on the couch, the used, discarded tissues piling up around her like a shredded wedding dress. Luke cruised by on his way to the kitchen for a helping of dinner and shot Britt a tweaked glance. Dad tiptoed past. Mom kept offering to bring her something to eat, but Britt declined, her weepy gaze never leaving the screen. Finally, the show was over and she hugged me at the door. Thanks for letting me stay. I needed that. I was so exhausted, I could barely keep my eyes open. No problem. Will you be at school tomorrow? She really was blind. Not for a few days, probably. Okay, well, call me. K? I nodded. She waved and walked to her car just as another carone I recognized but couldnt placepulled up onto the street. Chase got out of the beige Ford Taurus. My eyes opened wide. Crap. I shut the door. I dashedas fast as an injured person couldto the closest mirror in the half-bath, to see myself. I was so pale, I looked like a vampire with blue under-eye circles and hollowed cheeks. I needed a tanning booth. And a change of clothes. Mom, somebodys at the door for me. I need to change. Okay, Ill have them wait in the living room. Moms voice came from the kitchen. I dragged myself upstairs. Thanks, I panted out at the top. Why am I killing myself? Its just Chase. I turned around and went back downstairs, meeting Mom at the door. She eyed me. You sure you dont want me to tell him youre not taking visitors? Mom, that makes me sound like a diva. It makes you sound like a girl recuperating, Zoe. I cant believe Brittany stayed as long as she did, quite frankly. Yeah, well, I can. Mom touched my cheek and smiled. When the knock came at the door, she paused. You sure? I nodded. Besides, it would be good to see Chase. He, of all people, could care less what I looked like. Mom opened the door. Chases brown eyes latched on mine and grew to the size of quarters behind his gold-rimmed glasses. He wore khakis, a pink pin-striped oxford and penny loafers. Zoe. Wow. Youre back. Hey. His face turned a soft shade of blush, like the stripes in his shirt. He stuck his hand out to Mom. Chase. Zoes Mom. They shook. Nice to meet you, Zoes mom. Mom moved back so Chase could enter. After he did, she shut the door and headed to the kitchen where I heard the drone of the TV mix with Abrias monotone ramblings. I gestured toward the living room and Chase and I went into the clean, orderly place Mom had done in antiques, soothing summer pastels and scenic paintings. You should sit down, Chase insisted. I collapsed onto the couch. Yeah, Im pretty wasted. Maybe now isnt a good time for me to be here. No, no, sit. I patted the couch. Chase slowly sat. His eyes never left me. I squirmed under his intense gaze as it slid around my slippers, up the legs of my flannel pjs, to my chesthad he heard about my breast and was checking it out for himselfwith a fast jump to my face. So, how are you? he asked. He sat like a ruler propped on the couch. I smiled, and it felt good to squelch the chuckle in my throat. Im doing better, I said, putting him at ease. Ive been wanting to talk to you. I cant believe what happened. I mean, it was so unreal. One second you were with me at Starbucks and the next... I was really... it was... it was bad. I hadnt thought about what kind of an impact the evening had had on him. He paled just recalling the events of the night. I reached out and patted his knee, drawing his gaze to my hand. Its okay. His gaze flicked from my hand, to my eyes. He swallowed. Im glad you reokay. Withdrawing my hand, I sat back, sighed. Its been weird. Chase glanced around before leaning close. What happened? Matthias was with you. He didnt know there was going to be an accident. He didnt? I shook my head. He only knew that Id need him. Then it happened. Chases eyes widened. Sounds like he had a premonition to me. My understanding is that he knows something might happen, but details arent any clearer to him than to anyone else. That cant be right, Zoe. How could guardians be there in an instant and step in like they do? Because all they have to do is think and be somewhere, remember? Well, the point is, he intervened. He saved your life. But, Id died. That left me wondering what had happened, exactly. Yeah. So, is this hard to talk about? Not at all. I felt peppier having Chase there to talk to, in fact. I like talking to you about it. His cheeks turned cherry red. He dipped his eyes before looking at me again. Thats cool. His hands fidgeted. Everyone in newspaper class asked me about you. I guess they thought Id know. And? He shrugged. That doesnt bug you? Of course not. Why should it? Then I realized what he was saying. People in newspaper thought we were an item. His cheeks kept turning pink, like a Vegas strip sign. The bashful look was cute. I didnt have the heart to remind him my heart belonged to Matthias. But then, hed been the one to tell me I was in love with Matthias. Somehow quiet, introspective, intelligent Chase had seen the truth. More shocking than seeing, hed made me face up to my feelings. He stared at me for a long moment. For some reason, the dark, unreadable quality in his gaze unnerved me. Not in a bad way. I just wasnt sure what he was thinking. You look good. His voice was hoarse. I do? I laughed. For a girl who was hit by a truck you mean? He shook his head. You look pretty. Even with bruises. A taut silence sparked between us. Well, thanks, I guess. At some point I wanted to tell him all that had happened, but I wasnt sure I had the energy for the questions I knew the tale would bring. Weston and Brady came back to school, he said. Thats what I heard. From Brittany? Is she still dating him? Are you after gossip or is this off the record? The right side of his lip lifted. Off the record. Theyre not dating anymore. Not that anyone cares. Nobody should care, I mean. Its so stupid to follow whos dating who in high school. For you maybe, Chase said. But there are a lot of guys who want to know if Brittany is available. I half-rolled my eyes. Of course. Not to mention the girls who are after Weston. But, hes different. I dont know, maybe it was the whole plague-like thing that hit him and Brady, but the guy isnt the same anymore. Thats what Britt said. Like how is he different? You know how he walks down the halls surrounded by tons of people? Not any more. He sticks to himself. I havent seen him this way since the football team lost by thirteen points to Lone Peak last season. And even then, he threw a killer pass, the interception wasnt his fault. You have a good memory. Chase nodded and slid his glasses up his nose. And I never see him stick around school for lunch. Only losers do that. But, lately Ive seen him wandering the halls. Alone. Man, I let out a breath. Thats weird. And Bradys always been kind of... a bully. Now, hes really being obnoxious. What do you mean? Hes in my Calc class, and the guy has just become one mean sucker. That doesnt surprise me. Id seen that streak firsthand. Both boys were losers as far as I was concerned. Its in his eyes. Something bad. Weston did stop me one day and ask if I knew anything about you. He shrugged, blushed. Maybe he thinks you and I are, you know. So what did you tell him? Just what I knew at the timethat you were still in the hospital in intensive care. I still cant believe all of this happened. You almost died, Zoe. I took a deep breath. Paused. I did die, Chase. His mouth fell open. I knew it! I knew it! He leaned close. I had a feeling that happened. No one would say anything, but when I went by the hospital to see you and saw that you were in the ICU, I had a feeling it was bad. Do you remember anything? I closed my eyes. Could I get through telling him without crying? Time wasnt easing pain or buffering the longing I still had for Matthias as much as I needed it to. Yes, I remember. I could barely hear my own voice, so soft and distant sounding. I kept my gaze on my twisting fingers, held in my lap, as I shared with Chase everything from the crash to the moment I woke up in the hospital. He blinked, his brown eyes wide behind his glasses. When I was finished, a heavy silence lay between us. Wow. Zoe, thats intense. I nodded, holding my quaking emotions in check. Yeah. And you havent seen Matthias since? No. Ive wondered why. Did I do something wrong? Did he do something wrong? It felt so rightboth of us togetherI didnt have any dark, bad feelings at all when it was happening. One minute hes your guardian, then next, youre back here and hes nowhere in sight. A pit opened in my stomach. Yeah. Who can know the answer to something like that? Other guardians, maybe. But, how would you get the chance to ask them about it? I did see my aunt yesterday. What?! Wow. Zoe, youre scoring more hits than Babe Ruth at a playoff game. What happened? Can you tell me? I glanced around, making sure we were still alone. We were, so I continued. I went upstairs to check on Abria. Shed been quiet for a while and I thoughtmaybe Matthias would show upbut my aunt was there instead. When I explained to Chase that Aunt Janis had no idea where Matthias was, only that he was gone for a while, a look of puzzlement fixed on his face. He blew out a breath. You can see why Im a little confused, I said. I can, but Zoe, your aunt... youre still seeing spirits. Youre incredibly lucky. Wow. This just... this is a mind blower to beat all mind blowers. He stood, paced. Think of what youve seen, what youve done. Youve gone places no one else has ever gone, Zoe. Well, theyve gone, but few have come back to tell about it. Its amazing. Im sure more people than me have gone to Paradise and lived, Chase. The last thing I wanted to do was think I was better than somebody else for the experience. But that kind of experience is pretty personal. How many people go out and broadcast it? Not many, I would think. Ive read just about everything out there about life after death, but Ive never heard anyone go as far as youve gone. Like I said, there have to be others. They just dont talk about it. A thread of panic dangled inside of me. You arent going to tell anyone about this, either. Promise? His brown eyes locked on mine. Youre going to keep it to yourself? With effort, I struggled to my feet so I could make my point clear. This is my experience, Chase, not yours. Understand? And, no, Im not going to tell anyone. Not even my parents know what happened. Youre the only one. I am? His eyes widened. Wow. So I need to trust you on this. Promise? Yeah, sure. Promise. Im honored youd tell me. Who else would understand? Weary, I lowered back to the couch. Chase sat beside me. You okay? Tired. Maybe I should go now. Sorry, I dont mean to be a deadhead. You should go to bed. Can I tell everyone who asks me that youre okay? I nodded, smiled. Yeah, thatd be fine. Thanks for asking. Want me to help you up the stairs? Um. Thanks, but I can make it myself. I rose unsteadily to my feet and Chase followed suit, hands itchy at his sides. You sure? It wouldnt be a problem. His eyes shot out the living room door and in the direction of the front stairs. I carried my mom around the house when she broke her ankle. I laughed. You want to carry me? He looked wounded that Id laughed and I quickly wiped the smile off my face. That sounds really sweet, Chase. Maybe next time. But, with my parents here and all, they might wonder what were doing. Oh. Oh, right. Yeah. We walked to the front door and I opened it. He paused under the threshold and looked me over. Can I hug you? Uh. Sure. Tentatively, Chase wrapped around me as if embracing a glass figurine. He felt amazingly strong for an office-type. And he smelled like Zest. His head dipped close to the curve of my neck for a second, and the ticklish sensation sent warmth throughout my body. Then he drew back, his lips in an awkward grin. His cheeks glowed pink. Thanks, Zoe. Thanks? I playfully tapped his arm. No problem. Thanks for coming by. He went out the door. I watched him stride down the walkway, posture erect. He turned, waving at me once, twice. Then he tripped, corrected himself and didnt turn around again. Six I slept a lot those first few days at home. Like a traveler back from a long journey, seduced by the feel of my mattress under flannel sheets, the scent and scrunch of my soft pillow beneath my head. And, as each day passed, waking got easier. Hours dragged, even with net surfing, reading and the occasional Lifetime mini series re-run Britt ditched school to join me for. Luke brought home some of my assignments and notes from my teachers, most of whom were still of the take it easy mindset. Evenings, Mom and Dad tried to be with me as much as possible after sharing Abria duties. Even Luke offered to tuck Abria in bed for Mom two