Penitence (2010) (23 page)

dark blue robe tight around his body. Zoe, this partying has got to stop. It has stopped, Dad. Seriously. This wasnt the usual party. Obviously. No, I mean, Krissyshes like this molly-girlhad the party. Shes not on the circuit or anything. I tried to tell her about how parties can get, but she didnt listen to me. Dads stare penetrated. Deciphered. You seem to live close to the edge these days, Zoe. I would never have played that game, Dad. Never. I know better than to take chances with my life. Seems to me going to the party to begin with was a chance. Silence hung in the dark hall. Youre right. Thank God youre okay. Yeah. I turned and continued down the hall to my bedroom. He stayed outside his door, watching. The next morning, I was so exhausted, my limbs felt like bricks. I let out a groan. The scent of pancakes on the griddle snuck underneath my bedroom door, stirring my empty stomach. Last nights events dragged in my soggy mind: the party, Albert, Weston, Britt, Brady... Brady. Please God, make Bradys death just a bad dreamfor his familys sake. The picture of Brady hanging by Alberts noose-tie blared into my mind, snapping me to full wakefulness. I sat up and rubbed my face, the scant tears in my eyes vanished, but sorrow clung to my heart. Sunday. I could use today to leave these dreadful thoughts behind. I threw back the covers and stood, not sure ditching the events of last night was possible. Church would help, and I decided to go. I grabbed my phone and checked for texts, hoping to hear from Weston. Four texts from Chase, one phone call from Britt. I opened Chases text. hey im home man am i busted remind me why i went to the party I had the sinking feeling Chase might blame me for his choice to attend Krissys party. i hate life right now Who to talk to first? I called Chase. Yeah? His voice was husky, like Id awakened him. Hey, its me, I said. Zoe? Hey. So, are you okay? What happened? The sound of fumbling came through the line. I gotta talk quick. My parents grounded me for a month. Jeez. But, yeah. Anyway, so it was a madhouse. Those of us stupid enough to stick around were hauled down to the police station. They held us in this cell until our parents showed up, all the while giving us this big talk about the ills of partying without chaperones and having alcohol etcetera, etcetera, which royally screwed Krissy because she fell into categories A through Z. Anyway, my parents came down and picked me up and I got more railing on the drive home. What happened to Brady? Have you heard anything? I swallowed. Hes dead. Chase gasped, then silence followed. Man. Yeah. More thick silence. Thats... sad. Yeah, it is. Hows Weston taking it? You were with him, right? I assume he knows. He knows. Hes really upset. No doubt. Man. This is just... bad. Yeah. I should have listened to you, Zoe. You... warned me. Please dont say that. But you did. He sighed. His voice grew tight. Tell me more about this Albert guy. He was the last person I wanted to talk about. Later, kay? Oh. Sure. Wow. Its just unbelievable. I know. Im glad youre okay. Yeah, my parents arent speaking to me and probably wont for the next five years, but Im okay. Did you hear anything more about Krissy? No. She was at the station, bawling, when I saw her. She was in bad shape. Her parents are out of town and, man, with whats happened to Brady now, they could be looking at involuntary manslaughter. I dont know. Wow. This is your CSI brain talking, Chase. Not involuntary manslaughter, but man. If my parents grounded me for a month for just being there, hersll probably ground her for life. Im going to call her and see if she picks up. Oh. Sure. Let me know what she says. Okay. See ya. I disconnected with Chase, my belly filled with butterflies thinking about talking to Britt. I figured Weston was still wrapped up in grief. I was okay with that, I just hoped when he saw clearly at some point hed forgive me and call. I dialed Britt, but only got her Hey, its me. Leave me a message. I showered and dressed in a lavender skirt and white blouse, with a cropped black sweater and boots. Out the windows, gray clouds threatened snow and chill. After applying some makeup, I headed downstairs. The rumbling engine timbre of Lukes voice drifted upward, mixing with Abrias giggle and Mom and Dads chatter. The sounds soothed me. Dad, dressed in dark slacks, shirt and tie, smiled when he saw me. Youre coming to church? I nodded. I need to be there. Sure, why not? I was surprised to see Luke dressed up, and I lightly tousled his damp mop when I sat next to him at the kitchen table. You going, bud? His shoulders lifted as he bit into a browned sausage. My stomach grumbled. Pancakes with your pile of sausages? I teased him. He kept his face angled at his plate, and didnt respond. I patted his shoulder. He was no doubt thinking about Kevin. Talking about such a horrible event was like wondering if I should cross an icy lakeunsure of the thickness of the ice, of falling through. I gave Luke a side hug. You okay? He nodded, but didnt lift his head or try to look at me. I glanced at Mom, then Dad. Mom handed me a plate of pancakes. At the end of the table, Abria stood on her chair, hands flicking the air as if she was trying to swat at unseen bugs. Dad, plate of cakes and sausages in hand, shot a glance at Luke and sat down across from us. I cant imagine what Bradys parents are going through. Its so horrible, Mom murmured as she sat down with her breakfast. I took a deep breath. I was trying not to focus on it, but Bradys untimely death was everywhere. Its not like Brady didnt deserve the thought, he was a human being and even though hed done despicable things, I forgave him and my thoughts werent directed in any way at retribution. His death was a terrible, unnecessary tragedy. Were you at the party, Z? Luke finally looked at me. I nodded. Luke mumbled something, then drank from his orange juice glass. Ive never heard of the game, Dad said. Luke set his glass down with a thud. Yeah. People who do it are stupid. I was happy Luke saw the game as dangerous and hoped that Bradys death, and the inevitable domino effect this would cause was a wake up call for him. Im really surprised he participated. I cut into my pancakes. Ive been to a lot of parties where Brady has been and he never did anything but the usual partying. Hed had black spirits crawling all over him at Krissys house. Then Albert had swarmed him like a hive of killer bees. Was Alberts influence what had pushed him over the edge? A shudder wracked my body and I reached for my glass of juice. Dad eyed me. You okay? he asked. I nodded as cold juice went down my throat. My hand trembled as I set the orange juice down on the table. I never met Brady, but Ive heard you speak of him. Mom, too, was studying me. How is Brittany taking it? Or have you talked to her? I havent yet. Were not exactly on speaking terms. Or we hadnt been, since Weston had professed his feelings for me. I imagine not, with Weston showing interest in you. Moms tone was factual. I appreciated her not grilling me on the subject. No one else was injured? Dad asked. Not that I know of. My friend, Chase, said the police hauled a bunch of kids to the station and held them until their parents arrived. Sucks for them, Luke snorted. Yeah, it does. I was mostly worried about Krissy. My sickened stomach rolled. I took my half-eaten plate of pancakes to the kitchen sink. Im ready when you are, I said, pulling my cell phone out, checking the screen for messages. Dads brows lifted. Zoe... anxious for church? Okay, okay, stop it, I teased back. Still no word from Weston. Or Krissy. Britts phone call blinked up at me in reminder. I excused myself and walked out the front door, into the bitter winter morning air. Snow coated the grass but all walkways and the streets were dry. Though icy, the air carried the winter scent of evergreen from pine trees in the yard and on our street. Overhead, the heavens were gloomy and gray. I closed my eyes, took a breath. Ill take some of your strength now, Matthias. A smile lifted my lips and my soul responded, feeling lighter and more positive. I dialed Britt. Zoe? Hey. Her weeping started instantaneously and turned into sobs that twisted my heart for her. She cried for what felt like the longest minutes of my life, but I didnt say anything, I listened and waited. Can you believe it? she sniffed. Are you okay? How do you think I am? Im sorry. Britt blew out a sigh into the phone. It shouldnt have happened. We were right there. Right next to him. I nodded and slowly paced our front walkway. That game is risky, you know that. He knew that. I know, I know. She sobbed into the phone again. But hes done it before. He knew the timing. He has? Yeah. II still... I cant believe hes gone. Its so wrong. Yeah. So... Tyler drove me. I was too upset to get behind the wheel. My parents freaked, of course. I mean, I usually sneak in late if Im blasted. Dad grounded me until Im eighteen after he heard about Brady. But, what the hell, thats only two months away. Whatever. He called me a slut, can you believe that? I mean, after everything that happened my own dad called me that! She wept into the phone again. Britt... Hysterical, Britt sounded as though she was about to pass out. This is too much for me. I cant do this anymore. Thiswhat? Britt had always manipulated, and like the boy who cried wolf, Id learned not to jump too fast at her declarations. Still, shed taken a tidal wave of life latelyall of which was a result of her choices. I guess youve got some thinking to do, I said. Pause. Whats that supposed to mean? We all have to grow up, Britt. I am grown up! You are. I worked to keep defenses from prickling. So facing life wont be a problem, will it? More silence. Ive faced life. Im done talking to you. Click. Okaaay. My cell phone vibrated after I disconnected with Britt. This whirlwind weekend seemed to only pick up speed. Weston. Hey. Hey. His voice was soft, beaten down. Where are you? Outside my house, freezing. What are you doing outside? Were going to church. Oh. The line between us was tight. Quiet. Thats probably a good place to be today. Yeah. How are you? Did you get my text? I want to talk to you. Where do you go to church? Ill meet you there. Weston? At church? I told him the address and he ended the conversation. My stomach mulched what breakfast Id eaten into a vomitous pulp. Was he going to rail on me again? Continue to blame me for Bradys death? Every nerve in my body drew into a tightrope. Wrapping my arms around my shivering self, I once again gazed heavenward. Whatever Weston had to throw at me, Id face. I was grown up. I could do this. Twenty-Three Luke, Abria and I slid into the back of Moms minivan. Moms Sunday music soothed me today, and I actually appreciated the lofty tunes, their serenity buoying my courage. Next to me, Abria rattled off sentences in no particular order. Poddy shrabbit do. Where are you birdie? Iaskthemoon. She said a four word sentence! I exclaimed. Luke grinned. Mom whirled around in her seat, beaming. Good job, Abria! I clapped, snapping her attention to me. She clapped along with Luke and Mom who joined in the applause. In the rearview mirror, Dads green eyes smiled. Shes making progress. Mom was so pleased, her eyes glistened. Its so cool. Luke took Abrias hand and patted it between both of his. Good job, Abria. We like it when you use your words, I chimed. Abria ripped her hand free of Lukes and flapped like a bird strapped downbuckled in her car seat as she was. The car filled with joy. A rush of emotion surged through me, and tears crested in my eyes. Lukes gaze met mine. I turned and looked out the window, at the stores and businesses we passed. What was happening to me? I was becoming an emotional lush. Its not that I hated crying. My emotions were strong and often got out of control, so I kept them tucked and hidden. Luke seeing my eyes tear bothered me until I realized how retarded that attitude was. Matthias didnt hide his emotions. Neither did Dad. Genetically, I didnt have any hope of not being easily moved to tears. Dad had pretty much made sure of that. At church, Weston stood by his silver truck in a white shirt, tie and black slacks. Id never seen him suited up. He looked hot. Mom and Dad exchanged glances. Luke carried Abria in on his hip while Dad and Mom walked by my side. Were you expecting him? Dad asked. I nodded. Westons expression was unreadable. Dad leaned close. You going to be okay? He doesnt look very happy, Mom whispered. Ill be right in, I said. They followed Luke into the building along with the other church members just arriving and I crossed the parking lot to Weston. His brown eyes were narrowed, a knot held in his jaw. Hey. Every nerve in my stomach fluttered with anticipation. He unfolded his arms and the movement let loose the cologne on his skin, caught underneath his white shirt. Hey. A dozen uncomfortable silent seconds ticked by. Cold? he asked. Kind of. Want to get into the car? How about inside the church? Id take all the help I could get and being inside church might help. He nodded and we walked inside. The doors to the chapel closed once it was eleven oclock, and Weston and I stood in the quiet, empty foyer alone. Im sorry if you somehow think Im response Zoe, no. I dont. His head dipped. I was upset. I shouldnt have said that. His pleading eyes lifted to mine and he brought himself close. Forgive me? I nodded. How do you do it so easy? he asked. Do... what? Forgive like that. I took a deep breath. I dont know. I guess between the accident and Abria, Ive learned not to hold onto bitterness. Its lame. He nodded, studying me as if he couldnt believe I was telling him the truth. But Id stopped lying. I hoped that counted for something. Ready to repeat myself, I opened my mouth. Before I could get a word out, he yanked me against him. His arms wrapped around me and locked. His face burrowed into the curve of my neck, sending heat from my head to my toes. I put my arms around him. Im so sorry, he whispered. Its okay. Were all in shock. I was angry. I nodded into his shoulder. He eased back, linking hands with mine as if he was reticent to let go of me. One more stupid thing Ive done to you. Stop it. Thats so over, Ive told you that. An anguished expression still clung to his features. I guess I cant forgive myself. And then I go and do something like last nightIm an idiot sometimes. I rose to my tip toes and kissed his cheek, enjoying his freshly-showered scent, imagining him hurrying and dressing in his finestto come and settle things with me. If you continue to dwell on the past, Ill have to burn you at the stake. He grinned. Yeah? So youre a witch, is that it? His arms wrapped around my waist again. And here all this time I thought you were an angel or something. I cocked my head back. An angel? What makes you think that? I dont know. His dark eyes grew