Paint It Black (27 page)

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I tugged him to me and kissed him. His arms closed around my waist, pulling me up tight against him as the kiss deepened.

This kiss was different. I felt more than just the terrifying passion of our other kisses. When he held me in his arms like that, I felt I belonged there.

I backed him to the couch, and he sat down, pulling me into his lap.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, pushing a wave of hair from my face. “With the Christmas lights dancing on your face.”

Then he enveloped me in another hungry kiss.

So intoxicated by everything I was feeling for him, I didn’t hear Abby until she called out my name.

Mortified, I scrambled out of Cougar’s lap. “Honey, I—what are you doing up?”

I ran a hand over my disheveled hair. “Um, why don’t you go get a drink of water, and I’ll be right there to tuck you back in.”

She nodded and shuffled toward the bathroom. I glanced at Cougar. He looked embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he said. “I’ll go so you can take care of her.”

He retrieved his jacket, and I walked him to the door.

“Hey.” He took my hands in his, looking as reluctant to leave as I was to let him. “Abby’s going to her grandmother’s tomorrow, right? If you don’t have plans, give me a call. I’ll either be at the apartment or at the hospital. I’ll take you out to eat.”

“Okay.” I straightened his collar and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.

He smiled and stepped outside. Even though it was bitterly cold, I stood in the doorway for a moment, simply watching him. From the bottom of the stairwell, he glanced up and waved. I waved back and shut the door.

After locking it and unplugging the Christmas tree, I went to Abby’s room and crawled in bed beside her. She scooted to make room for me, then snuggled back against my chest. I didn’t know if I should try to explain, or keep my mouth shut. Silence was easier. I closed my
eyes and slipped into a drowsy daydream about Cougar.

“Mama, are you going to marry Jason?”

Abby’s soft question jarred me like a scream, and for a moment, I simply froze.

“It’s okay if you do,” she said with a yawn. “I like him a lot.”

Instead of making me feel better, her statement troubled me. My “making out in front of the Christmas tree” daydream vanished. I tried to imagine Cougar taking out the trash, taking Abby to ballet practice, and all the other little, mundane husbandly tasks Grady had performed, and I just couldn’t. It didn’t fit.

Who was I kidding? Cougar and I weren’t working on forever. Deep down, I knew that. I’d seen him go through enough women to know I wasn’t anything special. I knew he cared for me, but he cared for Kim, too. Our friendship might sustain, but the thrill was in the chase. How long would it be before the novelty wore off and he needed someone new to spark his passion? I had wrestled with this so many times, and had even come to accept it, but Abby’s simple question sent me into a tailspin. I could take the chance of his breaking my heart, but not his breaking hers.

I had to call things off before she got too attached to him.

CHAPTER
13

T
he next morning, Abby opened her gifts and we played with her new toys on the living room floor. She was most impressed with the Barbie Salon. I felt a burden lift off me while I watched her laboriously styling her dolls’ hair. I couldn’t match Elizabeth’s spending, but apparently I still knew what interested my daughter.

Around noon, I took Abby to her father. I kissed her good-bye and declined Grady’s invitation to stay for Christmas dinner. I needed to call Cougar, but I didn’t have the guts. Instead, I drove aimlessly around the city for the next two hours, wondering how I was going to handle it.

Finally, I pulled into a parking lot and took out my phone. Maybe his phone would be off since he was at the
hospital. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got his voice mail, and left a slightly incoherent message that I couldn’t make it today and I’d catch up with him tomorrow at work. I contemplated turning off my phone, but then I worried that Abby might need me. If he called back, I just wouldn’t answer.

Dammit. Being a coward sucked …

My temporary reprieve was extended when, due to a case he was working on, I didn’t see Cougar for the next couple of days. Finally, he caught up with me in the break room at work.

“Hey, stranger!” He looked worried as he leaned against the gray locker beside mine. “You avoiding me or something?”

I swallowed over the lump in my throat and forced a smile. “Of course not.”

He favored me with a killer grin. “Good, because I’ve missed you like crazy. What are you doing tonight? I thought I’d take you and Abby out to eat. Maybe I’ll survive another trip to Fat Daddy’s—”

“Girl Scout meeting.”

“Oh.” He looked disappointed. “What about tomorrow, then?”

I shut my locker.
“Mickey on Ice.”

“No worse than that damn eagle at Fat Daddy’s, I guess. Have I got time to pick up a ticket?”

I made myself look at him. “Actually, Grady’s going, too.”

His smile faltered. “What?”

“We bought the tickets a long time ago. Abby wants him to go.”

His smile died completely, chased away by his scowl. Then he laughed, a short, dry bark. When he spoke, there was an edge to his voice. “You’re kidding me, right?”

Andrea Jacobs was coming through the doorway, and I didn’t want her to overhear. I headed for the elevator, and Cougar chased after me.

“After what he did to you, you’re seriously going out with him?”

“No, I’m going with Abby. So is he. We’re not
together.”

He caught my shoulder and spun me around. “You’re riding together? Sitting together?”

Reluctantly, I nodded.

“Sure sounds like
together
to me.”

People stopped in the hallway to stare. I grabbed Cougar’s arm, dragged him into one of the conference rooms, and slammed the door. “I can’t change the fact that he’s Abby’s father. Whether you like it or not, he’s always going to be part of her life.”

“You’re right. I don’t like it. But I get it. What I don’t get is why you won’t look me in the eye.” He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. In a softer voice, he said, “We didn’t leave it like this. What’s
happened
in the past few days?”

Self-pitying tears burned my eyes. “What’s happened
is, I realized I can’t do this. Cougar, you’re a great guy, but this is a mistake. It’d be different if it was just me, but I have Abby to consider. She really likes you—”

“I like her, too.”

“—and I can’t let her get too attached—”

“Why not?” he demanded. “Is Grady so insecure he’s afraid she’ll love someone else? Why are you even listening to him?”

I blinked at him, confused. “This isn’t about Grady.”

“Then what’s it about? Because I’m not following.” His blue eyes searched my face. “Are you saying you don’t have feelings for me?”

“No, I do! You’re my best friend—”

He grimaced. “But you’re not attracted to me?”

“Of course, I am. It’s crazy how much I want you. I wake up thinking about you, and I go to sleep thinking about you …”

He seized my hands. “I feel that way, too. So, what’s the problem?”

I pulled away. “The problem is, it’s not enough. I’m not like Kim, and those other women you date. I have a little girl. I have responsibilities. When I get involved with somebody, it can’t be just about sex. I can’t have a fling.”

“A fling?” He cursed under his breath, then shook his head. “A fling. So, that’s what this is?”

“Isn’t it?”

“Necie, I—” He shook his head. “You know what,
never mind. You’re right. This is a huge mistake. Thanks for pointing it out to me. I’ll see you around.”

He stalked out the door.

The next morning, someone stole my parking space, so I had to take one at the end of the row and trek through the freezing rain. Cougar’s Camaro was already on the lot.

When I drew closer, I noticed the windows were fogged over. A female palm slapped the glass from the inside, startling me. Horrified, I averted my eyes and walked faster.

A car door slammed when I reached the building. I couldn’t resist a look back at the giggling woman who emerged from the passenger side. Simone, one of the girls from the secretarial pool, adjusted her skirt and beamed at a rumpled Cougar as he climbed from the car. My gaze connected with his. For an instant, he looked conflicted. Almost apologetic. Then he glanced away. I yanked the door open and ran inside.

I had no right to compare this to Grady’s betrayal, but the pain was just as sharp. I barely managed to hold my tears in check until I made it to the restroom.

After allowing myself a good cry—all I was apparently good for these days—I washed my face and caught the elevator to my floor. I said hello to a couple of people and thought I had it under control until I made it back to my desk and found Cougar waiting for me. I dropped
my head and pretended to organize a stack of papers. “What do you want?” I asked abruptly.

“I got the clothes Mom sent. Do you want me to put them in your car, or bring them—are you crying?”

I swiped my eyes and turned my back. “Does it matter?”

“Of course, it matters. I care about you.” He touched my shoulder and I jerked away.

“Yeah, I saw that. You looked very broken up.”

He spun me around. “So, that was a test?”

“No test needed. You’re exactly what I thought you were.”

His jaw clenched. For a moment, he said nothing. Then he muttered, “I’ll put the clothes in your car,” and walked away.

I felt someone watching and looked up to find Kim gazing at me from her office. She pecked on the glass and mouthed, “Lunch?”

I nodded, though I doubted we had anything left to discuss. Four hours later, we sat in a booth at the little café across the street. It had been a miserable morning, and the sight of the waiter tripping all over himself to talk to Kim didn’t improve my mood. We ordered, and finally he left us alone.

Kim took a deep breath and grabbed a napkin from the dispenser. “I wanted to talk to you about Jason.”

“There’s really nothing—”
“He’d kill me if he knew I was doing this.” Her eyes brimmed with tears, and she gave a shaky laugh as her fingers twisted the napkin. “But what can I say? I love the guy.”

The pain in her voice caused a rush of compassion. Awkwardly, I patted her hand. “Kim, we’re not seeing each other—”

“I know, and I feel like that’s my fault. Andrea told me what she said to you, about him being a player. It’s not true, Necie. He was always straight up with me about what he felt …” she ducked her head as a tear streaked down her cheek, “… and what he didn’t. I held on for awhile, hoping I could make him fall in love with me, but it wasn’t happening.” She paused. “He was already in love with you.”

A startled laugh escaped me. “Cougar doesn’t love me. Whatever this
thing
is that’s been happening between us lately … it’s not love.”

“It is. And it’s not just lately. He’s been in love with you for a long time. I think I knew it even before he did. We’d be together, and it was always ‘Necie this’ or ‘Necie that’ …” She laughed. “I got so sick of hearing your name.”

“You’re confusing friendship with love. We were tight—me, him, and Angel. But all this crazy stuff only started happening lately.”

“Because you were finally available.”

“That may have been part of it,” I admitted. “A new challenge for him, another notch on his bedpost, whatever. But it’s not love. I was just the one who was there at the time.”

“You sound like Andrea.” She leaned back and studied me. “I hope you’re only saying that because you’re still getting over your divorce and everything else that’s happened lately, because if you really believe that, you don’t deserve him anyway.”

Ouch
.

She frowned. “You need to open your eyes, Necie. Jason craves love, real love, more than any man I’ve ever known, and he thinks you’re the one. I’d give anything I had to be in your shoes.”

“Maybe you should try Simone Walker’s shoes. She’s the one he was making out with in his car this morning.”

Her lovely face paled. “What?”

I dug some money out of my purse and tossed it on the table. Standing, I forced a smile. “What’s that they say on that trashy talk show, don’t hate the player, hate the game? Looks like we’ve already struck out, Kim, and the next batter is already up.”

Back at the office, I tried not to think about him, but it was hard to do, especially when he was so close. I watched his shoulders hunched over his desk and wished we could go back to the way we were before, wished that Kim had been right, wished I’d handled it differently. Then I ran out of wishes and felt sorry for myself some more.

That night while we were getting ready for the ice show, I got a collect call from Lewisburg Penitentiary and declined the charges. It made me feel somehow guilty, but I couldn’t risk getting Maria on my back again.

Grady acted stiff and formal when he picked us up. I was so stressed out by that time I just wanted to scream “What’s wrong?” but I got my answer when we were standing in line to buy Abby a Mickey Mouse doll. While Abby sat on a bench a few feet away eating a hot dog, Grady stared straight ahead and asked, “Who’s Jason?”

“Jason is … nobody,” I said.

“Abby said you’re going to marry him.”

With a mortified laugh, I said, “That is
not
true. He’s a friend, from work.”

“Must be a pretty good friend. She said you spent Christmas Eve with him.” He cleared his throat. “She said she saw you kissing him.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Abby’s my business. You’re always telling me to act appropriately in front of her. I expect you to do the same.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

The rest of the night we ignored each other, saying what we needed to through Abby. It was just like old times.

But then she went to sleep, and we resorted to a stony silence. He gave in first, after we pulled into my
parking lot.