Our Gang (8 page)

Hey, that's got a real campaign ring to it!
HIGHBROW

COACH:
And a certain historical resonance, I would

think.

SPIRITUAL COACH:
At the risk of sounding "square,"

may I put in a good word for "tampering with the

morals of minors"? I've always found it to have

tremendous appeal. It seems there is something in

the word "tampering" that particularly infuriates

people.
LEGAL COACH:
That may be, Reverend, but

in
my book you still can't beat "inciting to riot" for

scaring the hell out of the public.

52 OUR GANG

TRICKY:
'And you, General? You look distressed

again.

MILITARY COACH:
I am distressed again! I am

distressed every time the Professor opens his

mouth! What is this business of bringing charges?

Oh, mind you, they're good charges and I don't

have anything against them personally, but the last

thing I remember we were talking about shooting

the bastards.

HIGHBROW COACH:
General, despite your low

opinion of intellectuals, I happen to have the

highest regard for Army officers such as yourself,

particularly in their devotion to their men and to

their country. I wonder if once you have heard me

read my list, you won't agree that to charge any of

these five self-avowed enemies of America with the

crime, to fix the responsibility for the uprising of

the Boy Scouts on any one of them, will

simultaneously absolve the Boy Scouts themselves

of any real guilt, while totally discrediting the

charges they have made against the President. The

Scouts will retreat in panic...

MILITARY COACH:
But without our firing a shot!

HIGHBROW COACH:
The country isn't going away,

General.

TRICKY:
Sounds interesting, Professor. But why only

one of the five? That strikes me as highly unusual.

HIGHBROW COACH:
Well, perhaps, but I was

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
53

just wondering if we haven't gone the route with

the conspiracy business.

TRICKY:
Oh, but it's so much fun when you get to

choose two or three. Each person picks his

favorites-and then all the wheeling and dealing,

until we come up with the conspiracy that suits

everybody.

LEGAL COACH:
And, of course, Mr. President, to

put in a word here in behalf of the cause of justice,

the more choice you're allowed, the greater the

chance of catching the right culprit. My feeling is

that just to stay on the safe side, each of us should

choose a minimum of three.

SPIRITUAL COACH:
I know I'm outside my baili

wick again, but if it is going to improve the chances

for justice being done, why can't we choose all five?

MILITARY COACH:
Mr. President, I am growing

more and more exasperated by the moment. Here

we sit, in the comfort and spendor of this fully

equipped underground locker room, in full football

regalia, deliberating over the niceties of justice,

while, with every passing moment, those Boy

Scouts are readying themselves for battle against

my men. I think it is high time we reminded the

Professor that he is no longer up there in his ivory

tower, where you can talk yourself blue in the face

about this one's rights and that one's rights and

how many rights fit on

the head of a pin. There is an angry mob of Boy

54
OUR GANG

Scouts out there, Eagle Scouts among them, and

they are growing angrier and more threatening by

the moment. I say shoot 'em and shoot 'em now!

TRICKY:
General, you are a brave soldier and a loyal

American. But, I must say, I sense in your remarks a

certain disregard for fundamental constitutional

liberties such as I have pledged myself to uphold in

my oath of office.

MILITARY
COACH:
Mr. President, I have the highest

regard for the Constitution. If I didn't, I wouldn't

have devoted my life to fighting to defend it. But

the fact of the matter is, we are playing with a time

bomb. Right now it is still only the Boy Scouts. By

morning, and I can guarantee you this, their ranks

are going to be infiltrated by dissolute Brownies and

Cub Scouts looking for adventure. Now it's one

thing to ask my men to mow down Eagle Scouts; it

is another for them to have to deal with little boys

and girls half that size. Those kids can run like the

dickens, and they're small. As a result, what right

now would still be a routine street massacre, will be

converted into dangerous house-tohouse fighting, in

which we are bound to sustain heavy losses by way

of our soldiers shooting mistakenly at each other.

TRICKY:
I think you know, General, that nobody

wants to save the lives of our boys-b
y
that I mean,

of course, our men-any more than I do.

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
55

But I repeat: I will not do so by trampling upon the

Constitution. I campaigned for this office as a strict

constructionist where the Constitution of this

country is concerned, and if I were now to take the

course that you suggest and acted to prevent this

group from voting in open and honest elections on

the Professor's list, then the American people would

have every right to throw me out of office

tomorrow.

And let me make one thing perfectly clear:

nobody is ever going to do that again. They have

thrown me out of office enough in my lifetime! I

will not be cast in the role of a loser-of a war, or of

anything. And if that means bringing the full

firepower of our Armed Forces to bear upon every,

last Brownie and Cub Scout in America, then that is

what we are going to do. Because the President of

the United States and Leader of the Free World can

ill-afford to be humiliated by anyone, let alone by

third- and fourth-graders who have nothing better

to do than engage the United States Army in

treacherous house-to-house combat. I don't care if

we have to go ,into the nursery schools. I don't care

if our men have to fight their way through

barricades constructed of lanyards and hula hoops

and bubble gum, under a steady barrage of toys

being grossly misused as weapons-I, as

Commander-in-Chief, will not run from the battle.

Not when my prestige is at stake! If I have to call in

air strikes

56
OUR GANG

over the playgrounds, I will do it! Let's see them try

to bring down B-52's with their bats and their balls!

Let's see them try to flee from my helicopters on

those little tricycles of theirs! No, this mighty giant

of a nation of which I am, by extension, the mighty

giant of a President, will not have its nose tweaked

by a bunch of little brats who should be at home

with their homework in the first place!

(All applaud)

Now, as to the voting. Since I am a decisive man,

as you can see from my book Six Hundred Crises, I

am now going to decide how many of these five

enemies of America each of you will be allowed to

choose to charge with the crime. Of course, we still

have to decide which of the three crimes that the

Professor mentioned we're going to use, but in that

it is getting on to morning, perhaps we can put that

off to a later date. In the meantime, we will come to

a decision as to who is guilty. (Impish endearing

smile) That's the best part, anyway!

Now (back to serious business), we will proceed

in the following manner: the Professor will read his

list, and each person present will select as many as

he wants, up to three ... No, two .. . No, three ...

Uh-oh, my lip's sweating-uh-oh, I think I'm having

another crisis! Two! Two! Say two!

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
57

POLITICAL COACH:
Good going, Mr. President

you've weathered it!

TRICKY:
Wow! That makes six hundred and two

crises! Wait'll I tell the girls what Daddy did!
LEGAL

COACH:
Mr. President, in that we are to be allowed