Our Gang (3 page)

administration does not intend to sit idly by and do

nothing while American women are being kicked in

the stomach by a bunch of violent five-month-olds.

Now by and large, and I cannot emphasize this

enough, our American unborn are as wonderful a

group of unborn as you can find anywhere. But

there are these violent few

that the Vice President has characterized, and I

don't think unjustly, in his own impassioned

rhetoric, as "troublemakers" and "malcontents" and

the Attorney General has been instructed by

me to take the appropriate action against them.
MR
.

DARING:
If I may, sir, what sort of action

will that be? Will there be arrests made of

14
OUR GANG

violent fetuses? And if so, how exactly will this be

carried out?

TRICKY:
I think I can safely say, Mr. Daring, that we

have the finest law enforcement agencies in the

world. I am quite sure that Attorney General

Malicious can solve whatever procedural problems

may arise. Mr. Respectful.

MR. RESPECTFUL:
Mr. President, with all the

grave national and international problems that

press continually upon you, can you tell us why you

have decided to devote yourself to this previously

neglected issue of fetal rights? You seem pretty fired

up on this issue, sir-why is that?
TRICKY:
Because,

Mr. Respectful, I will not tolerate injustice in any

area of our national life. Because ours is a just

society, not merely for the rich and the privileged,

but for the most powerless among us as well. You

know, you hear a lot these days about Black Power

and Female Power, Power this and Power that. But

what about Prenatal Power? Don't they have rights

too, membranes though they may be? I for one

think they do, and I intend to fight for them. Mr.

Shrewd.

MR. SHREWD:
As you must know, Mr. President,

there are those who contend that you are guided in

this matter solely by political considerations. Can

you comment on that?

TRICKY:
Well, Mr. Shrewd, I suppose that is their

cynical way of describing my plan to intro

TRICKY HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE 15

duce a proposed constitutional amendment that

would extend the vote to the unborn in time for

the
'72
elections.

MR. SHREWD:
I believe that is what they have in

mind, sir. They contend that by extending the vote

to the unborn you will neutralize the gains that may

accrue to the Democratic Party by the voting age

having been lowered to eighteen. They say your

strategists have concluded that even if you should

lose the eighteen-to-twentyone-year-old vote, you

can still win a second term if you are able to carry

the South, the state of California, and the embryos

and fetuses from coast to coast. Is there any truth to

this "political" analysis of your sudden interest in

Prenatal Power?

TRICKY:
Mr. Shrewd, I'd like to leave that to you-and

to our television viewers-to judge, by answering

your question in a somewhat personal manner. I

assure you I am conversant with the opinions of the

experts. Many of them are men whom I respect, and

surely they have the right to say whatever they like,

though of course one always hopes it will be in the

national interest ... But let me remind you, and all

Americans, because this is a fact that seems

somehow to have been overlooked in this whole

debate: I am no Johnny-come-lately to the problem

of the rights of the unborn. The simple fact of the

matter, and it is in the record for all to see, is

16 OUR GANG

that I myself was once unborn, in the great state of

California. Of course, you wouldn't always know

this from what you see on television or read in the

papers (impish endearing smile) that some of you

gentlemen write for, but it happens

nonetheless to be the truth.
(Back to
serious

business) I was an unborn Quaker, as a matter of

fact.

And let me remind you-since it seems necessary

to do
so,
in the face of the vicious and mindless

attacks upon him-Vice President What's-his-name

was also unborn once, an unborn Greek-American,

and proud to have been one. We were just talking

about that this morning, how he was once an

unborn GreekAmerican, and all that has meant to

him. And so too was Secretary Lard unborn and so

was Secretary Codger unborn, and the Attorney

Generalwhy, I could go right on down through my

cabinet and point out to you one fine man after

another
who
was once unborn. Even Secretary

Fickle, with whom as you know I had my differences

of opinion, was unborn when he was here

with us on the team.

And if you look among the leadership of the

Republican Party in the House and the Senate, you

will find men who long before their election to

public office were unborn in just about every

region of this country, on farms, in industrial cities,

in small towns the length and breadth of

TRICKY HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE 17

this
great republic. My own wife was once un

born. As you may recall, my children were both

unborn.

So when they say that Dixon has turned to the

issue of the unborn just for the sake of the votes ...

well, I ask only that you consider this list of the

previously unborn with whom I am associated in

both public and private life, and decide for yourself.

In fact, I think you are going to find, Mr. Shrewd,

with each passing day, people around this country

coming to realize that in this administration the

fetuses and embryos of America have at last found

their voice. Miss Charmin', I believe you had your

eyebrows raised. Miss C
HARMIN':
I was just going to

say, sir, that of course President Lyin' B. Johnson

was unborn, too, before he came to the White

Houseand he was a Democrat. Could you comment

on that?

TRICKY:
Miss Charmin', I would be the first to

applaud my predecessor in this high office for

having been unborn. I have no doubt that he was

an outstanding fetus down there in Texas before he

came into public life. I am not claiming that my

administration is the first in history to be cognizant

of the issue of fetal rights. I am saying that we

intend to do something about them, Mr. Practical.

MR. PRACTICAL:
Mr. President, I'd like to ask you

18 .
OUR GANG

to comment upon the scientific problems entailed

in bringing the vote to the unborn.
TRICKY:
Well, of

course, Mr. Practical, you have hit the nail right on

the head with the word "scientific." This is a

scientific problem of staggering proportions-let's

make no mistake about it. Moreover, I fully expect

there are those who ,are going to say in tomorrow's

papers that it is impossible, unfeasible, a utopian

dream, and so on. But as you remember, when

President Charisma came before the Congress in

1961, and announced that this country would put a

man on the moon before the end of the decade,

there were many who were ready to label him an

impossible dreamer, too. But we did it. With

American know-how and American teamwork, we

did it. And so too do I have every confidence that

our scientific and technological people are going to

dedicate themselves to bringing the vote to the

unborn-and not before the decade is out either, but

before November of 1972.

MR. PRACTICAL:
Can you give us some idea, sir,

how much a crash program like this will cost?

TRICKY:
Mr. Practical, I will be submitting a

proposed budget to the Congress within the next

ten days, but let me say this: you cannot achieve

greatness without sacrifice. The program of research

and development such as my scientific

advisers have outlined cannot - be bought "cheap."

After all, what we are talking about

TRICKY HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE 19

here is nothing less than the fundamental principle

of democracy: the vote. I cannot believe that the

members of the Congress of the United States are

going to play party politics when it comes to taking

a step like this, which will be an advance not only

for our nation, but for all mankind.

You just cannot imagine, for instance, the impact

that this is going to have on the people in the

underdeveloped countries. There are the Russians

and the Chinese, who don't even allow adults to

vote, and here we are in America, investing billions

and billions of the taxpayers' dollars in a scientific

project designed to extend the franchise to people

who cannot see or talk or hear or even think, in the

ordinary sense of the word. It would be a tragic

irony indeed, and as telling a sign as I can imagine

of national confusion and even hypocrisy, if we

were willing to send our boys to fight and die in

far-off lands so that defenseless peoples might have

the right to choose the kinds of government they

want in free elections, and then we were to turn

around here at home and continue to deny that

very same right to an entire segment of our population,

just because they happen to live on the

placenta or in the uterus, instead of New York City.

Mr. Catch-Me-in-a-Contradiction.

MR. CATCH-ME-IN-A-CONTRADICTION:
Mr. President,

what startles me is that up until today you have been

characterized, and not unwilling-

20 OUR GANG

ly, I think, as someone who, if he is not completely

out of touch with the styles and ideas of the young,

has certainly been skeptical of their wisdom.

Doesn't this constitute, if I may use the word, a

radical about-face; coming out now for the rights

of those who are not simply "young" but actually in

the gestation period?
TRICKY:
Well, I am glad you

raised that point, because I think it shows once and

for all just how flexible I am, and how I am always

willing to listen and respond to an appeal from any

minority group, no matter how powerless, just so

long as it is reasonable, and is not accompanied by

violence and foul language and throwing paint. If

ever there was proof that you don't have to camp