Our Gang (20 page)

certain warmth that a dead Dixon is going to be able

to arouse in the people of this country that he never

really was able to summon up when he was living

and breathing and so on."

"If he is dead then, you think it would be good

for his image?"

"No doubt about it. I think that in terms of

exposure he may have gone about as far as he can

alive. This is probably just the shot in the arm we've

been looking for, particularly if the Democrats run

Teddy Charisma."

"Can you explain what you mean, Mr. Chairman?"

"Well, assuming for the sake of argument that

Trick E. Dixon is no more, that is going to

138
OUR GANG

cut strongly into the source of Charisma's appeal.

It's one thing, you see,-for a candidate for the

Presidency to have two brothers who are dead-it's

something else when the incumbent himself is dead.

I mean, if experience is any kind of criterion-and I

think it is-I just don't see how you can top the

President now, where this whole death issue is

concerned."

"Mr. Chairman, is there any truth at all to the

growing suspicion that you people are sending up a

trial balloon with these rumors of the President's

death? To see just how much political mileage there

is in it, if any? That is, on the one hand you

yourself sound convinced that the President's death

would give a great boost to his waning popularity,

while Vice President What'shis-name asserts that

the President is `fit as a fiddle and that these

rumors have been propagated by `the lunatic left."'

"Look, I have no intention of criticizing the

alliteration of the Vice President of the United

States of America. Under the Constitution he has a

right to alliterate just as much as any other

American citizen. I am speaking to you boys strictly

as party chairman, and all I am saying, in language

plain and simple, is that the President has

absolutely no intention of withdrawing from the

race for any reason whatsoever, including his

own death. Anybody who counts
him
out be

cause of something like that, just doesn't know

THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
1
39

the kind of guy they are dealing with. This isn't a

Lyin' B. Johnson, who tosses in the towel because

the country hates his guts and doesn't trust him as

far as they can throw him. No, you're not going to

intimidate Trick E. Dixon just by hating him. Hell,

he's had that all his life; he's used to it. And you're

not going to keep him off the ballot by killing him

either. We've seen him rise from the ashes before,

and I have every expectation that we are going to

see precisely

that again. If he has to address that convention

from inside an urn, he'll do it-that's the kind of

dedicated American we're talking about."

The White House has now issued a statement

denying-I repeat, denying-that the President entered

Walter Reed Hospital yesterday for the removal of

the sweat glands from his hip. There continues

however to be a total news blackout from that

source as to whether President Dixon is dead or

alive.

We take you now to the National Weightlifters

Convention, where Vice President What'shis-name

is in the midst of an impromptu ad

dress on those who he claims have perpetrated

upon the nation this "lachrymose lie":

"the nitwits, the namby-pambys, the neurasthenics,

the neurotics, the necrophiliacs-"

140

We interrupt the Vice President's alliteration to

take you to Walter Reed Hospital for a special

report:

"The mood here is somber, though it remains

impossible to piece the story together in its entirety.

It seems now that the President did enter the

hospital late yesterday for a secret operation. First

reports had it that the operation was to have been

on his hip, for the surgical removal of sweat glands

apparently lodged in that area. However, the White

House, as you know, has flatly denied that story,

and only a moment ago I learned the reason why.

The operation was to have been not, on the Chief

Executive's hip, but on his lip, l-i-p. The sweat

glands were, from all reports, to have been removed

from the lip this morning. But now, according to

the latest White House communique, surgery has

been postponed for the time being because of, and I

quote, `an unforeseen development.' According to

highly placed sources within the hospital itself, that

unforeseen development is the death of the

President of the United States. Now I see that the

Secretary of Defense has just emerged from the

hospital and is walking this way. Secretary Lard,

have you just come from the President's side?"

"Yes."

"You seem quite despondent, sir. Can you tell us

if he is dead or alive?"

THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY 141

"I'm not at liberty to answer that question."

"Unconfirmed reports from various sources say

he was found dead at seven
A.M.
this morning.

,

"No comment."

"Can you tell us then why you were visiting

him?"

"To find out his secret timetable for ending

the war."

"Is there anybody other than the President

who knows the secret timetable?"

"Of course not."

"Then if he's dead, he's taken the secret time

table with him to the grave?"

"No comment."

"Secretary Lard, did the President have any

other visitors aside from yourself?"

"Yes. The Joint Chiefs. And of course the

Professor."

"And they don't know the secret timetable either?"

"I told you, nobody knows it but him. That's

what makes it secret."

"Not even his wife?"

"Well, actually, she thought she had it, when

we called her this morning. But it was just an old

train schedule between Washington and New

York. She found it in one of his suits."

"There's no other place he might have left

it?"

"It doesn't seem like it."

"Cut open the mattresses, did you?"

"Oh, all of that. Ripped up floors. Tore out

paneling. Turned the place inside out. No sign of

anything resembling a secret timetable."

"Mr. Secretary, everything you say seems to

confirm the rumor that the President is dead. If that

is the case, what were you and the joint Chiefs and

the Professors doing sitting around a corpse, trying

to find out vital information?"

"Well, we also had a medium with us."

"A medium?"

"Oh, don't worry. She's worked for us before.

Highest security clearance. Top-flight Gypsy."

"And did she get through to the President?" "I

believe I can say she did." "How do you

know?"

"Well, she got through to a voice who kept

saying he was a Quaker."

"And what about the secret timetable?"

"He says a secret is a secret, and he owes it to

the American people, who have placed their

confidence in him, not to betray a sacred trust.

He said they can brand and skewer him in Hell,

he's never going to tell
a
soul."

"Honest almost to a fault."

"Well, he had to be, you know, with that

sweating problem. Otherwise people tended not

always to believe everything he said."

"Ladies and gentlemen, that was the Secre

THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
143

tary of Defense, speaking directly from the lawn

outside of Walter Reed Hospital. As you saw, he

was distraught and very near to tears throughout the

interview, thus appearing to confirm the reports of

the President's death. We return you to the Vice

President, who is now addressing the National

Sword Swallowers Association."

"-the psychotics, the sob sisters, the skin

merchants, the saboteurs, the self-styled Sapphos,

the self-styled Swinburnes, the swine, the satyrs, the

schizos, the sodomists, the sissies, the screamers,

the screwy, the scum, the self-congratulatory selfcongratulators,

the sensationalists, the snakes in the

grass, the sex fiends, the shiftless, the shines, the

shaggy, the sickly, the syphilitic-"

We go now to the headquarters of the Federal

Bureau of Investigation:

"Is it the same knife that the President

demonstrated on television last night, Chief?"

"No doubt about it. Here are the four blades.

Count 'em. One, two, three, four. Open-and-shut

case."

"But my understanding was that some eight

thousand such knives-"

"We've sifted through the eight thousand, don't

worry about that. And this is the one. This is the

murder weapon, no doubt about it."

"Then the President has been murdered?
"

"I can't tell you that right now. But I can assure

you that if there has been a murder, this is what did

it."

"And do you have the murderer in custody?"

"One thing at a time. You rush in and say you've

got the murderer, everybody thinks you picked up

the first guy you could find out on the street. Let's

at least get the announcement of a murder, before

we start accusing people."

"How about the kind of murder. Stabbed to

death?"

"Well, there again it's like, `Have you stopped

beating your wife.' But of course I will say this

much: with a knife, you may very well find that the

victim has been stabbed to death, yes. Of course,

there are other possibilities as well, and I can assure

you we're looking into them thoroughly."

"For instance."

"Well, you've got your bludgeoning, of course.

You've got your various forms of torture such as the

President himself outlined on TV the other night."

"In other words, it's possible the President's

famous eyes may have been gouged out."

"I wouldn't rule that out at this time, no." "But by

whom? How? When? Where?" "Look, as we say

here at the Bureau, ask me no questions and I'll

tell you no lies. The important thing right now is

that we want to assure

THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
145

the American people, not only that we are actually

on top of this case even before it has broken, but

that we are keeping them abreast of the facts

virtually before there are any. We just don't intend

to come in for the sort of criticism on this