Our Gang (19 page)

plan. Next, the hazardous search of the farmhouse,

the outbuildings and the tilled acreage was

accomplished in thirty-four minutes and eighteen

seconds; in other words, with two full seconds to

spare. The ticklish evacuation proceedings required

precisely the seven minutes called for in the

schedule, and the daring return flight to Elsinore, at

treetop level, was accomplished in twenty-two

minutes flat. That is not only four seconds under

the time allotted, but I am proud to say, a new

record for that distance for a Danish

130 OUR GANG

domestic helicopter flight. Moreover, our forces

returned to safety without sustaining a single

casualty. As at Elsinore, the enemy was so completely

taken by surprise that they did not fire a

single shot.

I am proud to tell you that the intelligence on

Operation Courage was equally as impressive as the

split-second timing with which this perilous

mission was accomplished.

First, the seven blond-haired females who were

identified on the aerial photos moving in and out

of the farmhouse at all hours of the day were

present at the time of the landing. They were

found, as expected, in beds scattered throughout

the house, and taken immediately into custody for

interrogation by the Green Berets, as was the

couple claiming to be their "father" and "mother."

The blond-haired females found in the beds in

various stages of undress ranged in age from seven

to eighteen.

Second, the dark round objects visible in the

aerial photographs and identified positively by

intelligence as watermelons, were no longer in the

field, or "patch," at the time of the landing, nor was

there evidence any longer of the watermelon vines

themselves. This has led intelligence to conclude

that only hours before the raid, the telltale

watermelons were removed and replaced with the

ordinary rocks and potato plants found at the time

of the landing. Obviously, this consti

TRICKY ADDRESSES THE NATION 131

tuted a desperate last-minute attempt on the part of

the fugitive to avoid detection from the air.

As for the large dark object identified as Charles

Curtis Flood himself, apparently at the very last

minute he too was replaced with a big black

Labrador dog. This was verified when the dog was

found romping in the very fields where

photographs, taken the previous night, revealed the

fugitive exercising by moonlight.

It is to the great credit of the commander in

charge of Operation Courage-and represents the

highest order of dedication and professionalism-that

in order to keep faithfully to the plan, the dog was

taken into custody in precisely the same amount of

time as had been allotted for the capture of Flood.

She was then transported in the command

helicopter, bound and under heavy guard, to

"Hamlet's Castle" at Elsinore. However, once the

helicopters touched safely clown, I immediately gave

the order from the White House that the

interrogation of the dog was to be suspended, and

that she was to be released from her bindings and

allowed to roam on a leash in a grassy enclosure on

the castle grounds.

My fellow Americans, I can assure you that the

friendly treatment that dog is receiving now at the

hands of American soldiers is in sharp contrast to

the heartlessness and cynicism with which the

fugitive himself forced this defenseless

132 OUR GANG

animal to serve as his "stand-in" while he took flight

from justice yet again.

Now it had been my hope that I could come

before you tonight to tell you that Flood was in the

custody of American officials, and that it would not

be necessary to take further measures against a

recalcitrant and contemptuous Danish government

in order to secure his release. And make no mistake

about it. If we were not dealing with a man so

vicious that he would rather risk the life of an

innocent female dog than his own, I could have

done just that.

However, even though they were unable to

apprehend the fugitive at this time, I should still like

to take this opportunity to pay a tribute to the skill,

courage and devotion with which joint Contingency

Task Force Derring-Do carried out Operation

Courage. The flawless fashion in which they

executed this delicate secret mission was

inspirational to all Americans. And surely it must be

accounted the most successful single operation of

its kind staged thus far in the Danish crisis. The

embarrassment alone that we have caused

Copenhagen by pointing up the holes in their radar

system, will inevitably have a profound effect upon

the morale of the Danish people and their armed

forces.

TRICKY ADDRESSES THE NATION
1
33

They were written by the immortal bard and

renowned humanitarian, William Shakespeare. Yes,

they were written with a quill pen on a piece of

parchment hundreds and hundreds of years ago, but

probably never have they been so true as they are

tonight. This is what Shakespeare said: "Something,"

he said, "is rotten in the state of Denmark." Little

did the immortal bard know then, how prophetic

those words would be in the centuries to come.

My fellow Americans (here
Tricky
rises from his

chair
to sit on the
edge
of his desk), something is

rotten in Denmark-let there be no mistake about it.

And if it has now fallen to American boys to step in

and eradicate the rottenness that Danish boys are

unable to step in and eradicate, I know they will not

hesitate to do so. (Makes fist) Because we will not

watch as the once-great homeland of Hamlet slips

down the drain of depravity. (Looks down) Instead,

with all the might that we can summon in our

righteous cause, we shall (quick friendly glance at

ceiling),
with God's help, purge Denmark of

corruption, now and for all time. (Looks for a

moment into eternity without
batting
eyelashes)

Thank you, and good night.

My fellow Americans, I am going to conclude my

address with the words of a very great man.

The Assassination

of Tricky

The President of the United States is dead. We

repeat this bulletin. Trick E. Dixon is dead. That is

all the information we have at this time.

The White House has refused to comment on an

earlier bulletin announcing that the President of the

United States is dead. The White House Bilge

Secretary says, "There is no truth whatsoever to

reports of the President's death," but adds that he

will not "categorically" deny the story at this time.

Conflicting stories continue to circulate concerning

the death of the President. A second White

House announcement has now called attention to

the President's schedule for the day, pointing out

that no mention is made there of dying. Also

released was the President's schedule

THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
1
35

for tomorrow, wherein there also appears to be no

plan on the part of the President or his advisers for

him to die. "I think it would be best," said the White

House Bilge Secretary, "in the light of these

schedules, to wait for a statement, one way or

another, from the President himself."

Reports out of Walter Reed Army Hospital now

seem to confirm the earlier bulletin that the

President of the United States is dead. Though the

circumstances surrounding his death remain unclear,

it appears that the President was admitted to Walter

Reed late yesterday for surgery. The purpose of the

secret operation was to remove the sweat glands

from his hip. That is all we know at this time.

The Vice President has flatly denied reports of the

President's death. Here is a portion of the Vice

President's remarks, made as he was on his way to

address the National Yodeling Association:

"Now this is just the kind of reckless rot and

rotten recklessness that you can expect from the vile

vilifiers who are out to vilify vilely."

"What of the reports, Mr. Vice President, that he

had secretly entered Walter Reed last night to have

the sweat glands removed from his hip?"

"Hogwash and hokum. And hooliganism. And

heinous. I spoke to him only five minutes ago and

found him fit as a fiddle. This lachrymose lie is a

lamentable lollapalooza launched by the lunatic

left."

Unconfirmed reports from Walter Reed Hospital

now indicate that the President was found dead at

seven
A.M.
this morning. No word yet on the cause

of death, or where he was "found." Speculation

mounts that death came following surgery for the

removal of sweat glands lodged
in
the hip.

We take you now to Republican National

Headquarters, where the chairman of the national

committee is meeting with reporters:

"I cannot believe that the great majority of

Americans are going to keep this great American

from a second term in the White House just

because he is dead, no."

"Then you are admitting, sir, that he is dead?"

"I didn't say that at all. I said, I just don't think

that his death, if it were to come about between

now and the election, would affect his popularity

with the great majority of Americans. After all, this

isn't the first time you people were ready to call him

dead, and here he is, President of the United States."

"But we meant dead politically."

THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY ,
137

"I'm not going to get into a fancy discussion of

semantics with you fellas. All I'm saying is that

whether these rumors are true or false is not going

to affect our campaign plans by one iota. I'd even

go so far as to say that if it turns out he actually is a

corpse, our margin of victory in '7
2
will be greater by

far than what it was in '68."

"How do you figure that, Mr. Chairman?'

"Well, I for one just cannot imagine the press of

this country, irresponsible and vicious as it may be,

going after this man dead and buried with the same

kind of virulence they used to go after him alive.

Furthermore, as regards the voters themselves, it

would seem to me that there is a certain sympathy, a