Our Gang (6 page)

TRICKY: What about charts though? What about a

graph? You see, I don't know if people are going to sit

around all night in front of their television sets waiting

for me to say something. But if we had a graph where

we measured the hours in which I have engaged in the

ordinary human activities of scheming, plotting,

smearing and so on, against those I've spent having

intercourse-well, it could be pretty impressive.

And I could use a pointer! At the risk of seeming

immodest, I think I can hold my own with any

schoolmaster in the country in using a pointer and

charts, though of course by training I'm a lawyer, you

know ... And I'll borrow a dog!

Well, how does it sound to the rest of you?

POLITICAL COACH: Speaking frankly, Mr. Pres

ident, I think we are barking up the wrong tree with

this whole idea of using the truth or the

36 OUR GANG

dog. We've used the dog, of course, and with some

success, and though I don't have my file with me, I'm

sure we've used the truth some time or other in the

past, too. Off the top of my head I can't remember

exactly when, but if you like I'll have my secretary

look -it up in the morning. However, right now it

seems to me that, given the hysteria of those Scouts,

and the kind of coverage they're getting, if you were

to go on television and say that you have had intercourse

only once in your entire life, maybe as some

kind of initiation rite when you were in the Navycrossing

the equator maybe-and that the whole thing

had lasted less than sixty seconds, and you had hated

it from beginning to end, and that you had to be held

down throughout, and so on, even that would be

enough to make you appear guilty of the charges the

Boy Scouts are bringing against you. TRICKY

(reflecting) : Of course, if you're going to rule out the

dog and truth and so on, maybe the best approach is

for me to go on TV and deny the whole thing. Say

I've
never
had intercourse.

POLITICAL COACH (shaking his head) : Have

you seen that mob, Mr. President? They wouldn't

believe you, not at this point. TRICKY: Suppose I

spoke from HEW, with the Surgeon General at my

side, and he read a medical report stating that I am

not now, nor have I

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 37

ever been in the past, capable of performing coitus.

SPIRITUAL COACH: Mr. President, at the risk of

being politically naive again, you are the father of two

children . . . that is, if that means anything, in this

context ...

POLITICAL COACH: Politically naive, hell-that

was good thinking, Reverend.

TRICKY: But why can't we just say they were

adopted?

POLITICAL COACH: No, no, that doesn't really

solve the problem. Even if we are able to establish you

as not only sterile, but one hundred percent impotent,

even if we were able to get the American public to

believe that these children who resemble you so were

adopted-and, mind you, I think we could do both, if it

came down to it-you are still going to be

compromised, it would seem to me, by appearing to

have taken into your home the offspring of somebody

else's sexual intercourse. You are still going to be

locked into this fornication issue.

LEGAL COACH: Absolutely. Open and shut case

of guilt by association. If I were the judge, I'd throw

the book at you. And another objection. If he goes on

TV and says he's impotent, most of the people out

there aren't even going to know what he's talking

about. I don't doubt that half of them are going to

think that he means he's queer.

38 OUR GANG

POLITICAL COACH: Wait a minute! Wait one

minute! How about it, Mr. President?

TRICKY: How about what?

POLITICAL COACH: Going on TV and saying

you're queer. Would you do it?

TRICKY: Oh, I'll do it, all right, if you think it'll work.

SPIRITUAL COACH: Oh, but surely, Mr. President

TRICKY: Reverend, we are talking about my political

career! With all due respect, we happen now to be

listening to a man whose business is politics, just the

way yours is religion, and if he says that in a situation

like this one the truth and the dog and so on are not

going to get us anywhere, then I must assume he

knows what he is talking about. After all, one of. the

signs of a great leader is his willingness to listen to all

sides of an issue without being blinded by his own

prejudices and preconceptions. Now I am a Quaker, as

you well know, and consequently it is only natural that

I should be prejudiced in behalf of the advice given to

me by a spiritual person like yourself. But I cannot run

from the facts, just so as to be a better Quaker in your

eyes and in mine. We are dealing with a mob of

youngsters whose minds have been poisoned with a

terrible lie. We are going to have to find a way to

restore them to their senses while simultaneously

restoring to the office of the Pres

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 39

idency its dignity and prestige. And if in order to

accomplish those two important tasks I have to go on

TV and say I am a homosexual, then I will do it. I had

the courage to call Alger Hiss a Communist. I had the

courage to call Khrushchev a bully. I assure you, I

have the courage now to call myself a queer!

The problem is not my courage to say this or say

that; it never has been. The problem, as always, is one

of credibility. Will they believe me?

General, will they buy it over at the Pentagon? That

should certainly be a good test case.

MILITARY COACH (considering) : They might,

sir. They very well might.

TRICKY: Would it help if I batted my eyes more,

when I talk?

MILITARY COACH: No, no, I think they feel you

bat your eyes enough already, sir. Any more and it

might not go over too well with some of the oldtimers.

TRICKY: I take it from what you say that you would

positively rule out my wearing a dress. Something

simple. A basic black, say.

MILITARY COACH: Not necessary,

sir. TRICKY: How about earrings?

MILITARY COACH: No, I think you're fine as you

are, sir.

TRICKY: The point is I don't want to come off

40 OUR GANG

as just a sissy. Five o'clock 'shadow and all, I really

have to watch myself in that department. '

SPIRITUAL COACH: Mr. President, if I may, in.

your eagerness to do the right thing for the nation,

I. think you may be overlooking a small technical

point. Homosexuals have intercourse also.

TRICKY (stunned) : They do? . How?

(Here the Spiritual Coach takes Tricky by the handmuch

as he might comfort one in bereavementand,

leaning forward, discreetly
whispers
the answer

into the President's ear)

TRICKY (recoiling) : Why, that's awful! That's

disgusting! You're making that up!

SPIRITUAL COACH: Would that I were, Mr. Presi

dent.

TRICKY: But-but-(Here he leans
forward
to whisper

into the Reverend's ear)

SPIRITUAL COACH: I suppose they don't care

about that, Mr. President.

TRICKY (outraged) : But that's bestial! That's

monstrous! This is America! And I'm the President

of America! And-and-(turning in
be
wilderment

to the other coaches) listen, do you people realize

what's going on in this country? Do you know what

he just told me?

POLITICAL COACH: I think we do, Mr. Pres

ident.

TRICKY: But that's grotesque! Uccchhy! It makes

my lip crawl!

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 41

POLITICAL COACH: To be sure, Mr. President.

But nonetheless in terms of the problem that is facing

us, it happens to be neither here nor there. The point

is this: homosexuals, regardless of whatever else they

may do, are in no way involved in the sort of sexual

activity that produces fetuses-and that is still what

these Boy Scouts are up in arms about. Consequently,

if you were to go on TV and say you were a

homosexual, in the minds of most Americans you

would have cleared yourself of the charge the Boy

Scouts are making, that you are a heterosexual activist.

You'll be entirely in the clear.

TRICKY: I see . . I see . . . Okay-I'll do it! There-that's

the way to be in a crisis: decisive! Just as I wrote in my

book, summarizing what I learned during General

Poppapower's heart attacks, "Decisive action relieves

the tension which builds up in a crisis. When the

situation requires that an individual restrain himself

from acting decisively over a long period, this can be

the most wearing of all crises."

You see, it isn't even what you decide-it's that you

decide. Otherwise there's that darn tension; too much,

and, I tell you, a person could probably crack up. And

I for one will not crack up while I am President of the

United States. I want that to be perfectly clear. If you

read my book, you'll see that my entire career has been

42 OUR GANG

devoted to not cracking up, as much as to anything.

And I don't intend to start now. Cool, confident and

decisive. I'll do it-I'll say I'm a queer!

LEGAL COACH: I wouldn't if I were you, Mr.

President.

TRICKY: You
wouldn't?

LEGAL COACH: Nope, not if I were the President

of the United States. Why should you? At the time of

the Checkers Speech, when you were only a candidate

for the Vice Presidency, of course it. was necessary to

explain and apologize and be humble and tell them

how much money you owed your Mommy and Daddy

and that you had a doggie and so on. Look, I wouldn't

have objected back then if you had gotten down on

your hands and knees on television, and demeaned

and debased yourself in whatever way was most

natural to you, in order to come to power. But now

you are in power. Now you are the President. And

who are those kids in the street, leveling these

outlandish charges at you? They're kids, in a street. I

don't care what kind of uniforms they wear, they are

still not adults in houses. And that makes all the

difference in the world.

TRICKY: Your suggestion then is what?

LEGAL COACH: No less than any other citizen in

this country, Mr. President, you still have recourse to

the law. I say use it. I say round 'em

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
43

up, put 'em in the clink, and throw the key away.