Our Gang (2 page)

clothes, of course, that would be a great help to our

boys. But in that they don't, in that all of them seem

to go around all day in their pajamas, it is almost

impossible to tell the men from the women, let

alone the pregnant from the nonpregnant.

Inevitably then-and this is just one of those

unfortunate things about a war of this kind-there is

going to be confusion on this whole score of who is

who out there. I understand that we are doing all we

can to get into the hamlets with American-style

maternity clothes for the pregnant women to wear

so as to make them more distinguishable to the

troops at the massacres, but, as you know, these

people have their own ways and will not always

consent to do even what is clearly in their own

interest.

6
OUR GANG

And, of course, we have no intention of forcing

them. That, after all, is why we are in Vietnam in the

first place-to give these people
the
right to choose

their own way of life, in accordance with
their
own

beliefs and customs.
CITIZEN:
In other words, sir, if

Lieutenant Cal ley assumed the woman was simply

fat, and killed her under that assumption, that would

still square with your personal belief in the sanctity

of human life, including the life of the yet unborn.

TRICKY:
Absolutely. If I find that he assumed

she was simply overweight, I give you my utmost

assurance, I will in no way be prejudiced against his

appeal.

CITIZEN:
But, sir, suppose, just suppose, that he
did

know she was pregnant.

TRICKY:
Well, we are down to the heart of the matter

now, aren't we?

CITIZEN:
I
'
m afraid so,
Sir.

TRICKY:
Yes, we are down to this issue of "abortion

on demand," which, admittedly, is totally

unacceptable to me, on the basis of my personal and

religious beliefs.

CITIZEN:
Abortion on demand?

TRICKY:
If this Vietnamese woman presented herself

to Lieutenant Galley for abortion . . . let's assume,

for
the sake of argument, she was one of those girls

who goes out and has a good time and then won't

own up to the consequences; unfortu

TRICKY COMFORTS A TROUBLED CITIZEN
7

nately, we have them here just as they have them

over there-the misfits, the bums, the tramps, the few

who give the many a bad name ... but if this woman

presented herself to Lieutenant Galley for abortion,

with some kind of note, say, that somebody had

written for her in English, and Lieutenant Galley,

let's say, in the heat and pressure of the moment,

performed the abortion, during the course of which

the woman died. . .

CITIZEN:
Yes. I think I follow you so far.

TRICKY:
Well, I just have to wonder if the woman

isn't herself equally as guilty as the lieutenant-if she

is not more so. I just have to wonder if this isn't a

case for the Saigon courts, after
all.
Let's be perfectly

frank: you cannot die of an abortion, if you don't go

looking for the abortion to begin with. If you have

not gotten yourself in an abortion predicament to

begin with. Surely that's perfectly clear.

CITIZEN:
It is, sir.

TRICKY:
Consequently, even if Lieutenant Galley did

participate in
a
case of "abortion on demand," it

would seem to me, speaking strictly as a lawyer,

mind you, that there are numerous extenuating

factors to consider, not the least of which is the

attempt to perform a surgical operation under

battlefield conditions. I would think that more than

one medic has been cited for doing less.

8
OUR GANG

CITIZEN
: Cited for what?

TRICKY:
Bravery, of course.

CITIZEN:
But ... but, Mr. President, what if it wasn't

"abortion on demand"? What if Lieutenant Calley

gave her an abortion without her demanding one,

or even asking for one-or even wanting one?

TRICKY:
As an outright form of population control,

you mean?

CITIZEN:
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of

an outright form of murder.
TRICKY
(reflecting):

Well, of course, that is a very iffy question, isn't it?

What we lawyers call a hypothetical instance-isn't it?

If you will remember, we are only supposing there

to have been a pregnant woman in that ditch at My

Lai to begin with. Suppose there wasn't a pregnant

woman in that ditch-which, in fact, seems from all

evidence to have been the case. We are then

involved in a totally academic discussion.
CITIZEN:

Yes, sir. If so, we are.
TRICKY:
Which doesn't mean it

hasn't been of great value to me, nonetheless. In my

review of Lieutenant Calley's case, I will now be

particularly careful to inquire whether there is so

much as a single shred of evidence that one of those

twenty-two in that ditch at My Lai was a pregnant

woman. And if there is-if I should find in the

evidence against the lieutenant anything whatsoever

that I cannot square with my person

TRICKY COMFORTS A TROUBLED CITIZEN 10

A belief in the sanctity of human life, including the

life of the yet unborn, I will disqualify myself as a

judge and pass the entire matter on to the Vice

President.

CITIZEN:
Thank you, Mr. President. I think we can all

sleep better at night knowing that.

TRICKY HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE 11

Tricky Holds a

Press Conference

MR. ASSLICK:
Sir, as regards your San Dementia

statement of April 3, the discussion it provoked

seems now to have centered on your unequivocal

declaration that you are a firm believer in the rights

of the unborn. Many seem to believe that you are

destined to be to the unborn what Martin Luther

King was to the black people of America, and the

late Robert F. Charisma to the disadvantaged

chicanos and Puerto Ricans of the country. There

are those who say that your San Dementia statement

will go down in the history books alongside Dr.

King's famous "I have a dream" address. Do you

find these comparisons apt?

TRICKY:
Well, of course, Mr. Asslick, Martin Luther

King was a very great man, as we all must surely

recognize now that he is dead. He was a great leader

in the struggle for equal rights for his people, and

yes, I do believe he'll find a place in history. But of

course we must not forget he was not the President

of the United States, as I am, empowered by the

Constitution, as I am; and this is an important

distinction to bear in mind. Working within the

Constitution I think I will be able to accomplish far

more for the unborn of this entire nation than did

Dr. King working outside the Constitution for the

born of a single race. This is meant to be no

criticism of Dr. King, but just
a
simple statement of

fact.

Now, of course I am well aware that Dr. King

died a martyr's tragic death-so let me then make one

thing very clear to my enemies and the enemies of

the unborn: let there be no mistake about it, what

they did to Martin Luther King, what they did to

Robert F. Charisma and to John F. Charisma before

him, great Americans all, is not for a moment going

to deter me from engaging in the struggle that lies

ahead. I will not be intimidated by extremists or

militants
or
violent fanatics from bringing justice

and equality to those who live in the womb. And let

me make one thing more perfectly clear: I am not

just talking about the rights of the fetus. I am talking

about the microscopic embryos as well. If ever there

was a group in this country that was

"disadvantaged," in the sense that they are utter-

12 OUR GANG

ly without representation or a voice in our national

government, it is not the blacks or the Puerto

Ricans or the hippies or what-have-you, all of

whom have their spokesmen, but these

infinitesimal creatures up there on the placenta.

You know, we all watch our TV and we see the

demonstrators and we see the violence, because,

unfortunately, that is the kind of thing that makes

the news. But how many of us realize that

throughout this great land of ours, there are millions

upon millions of embryos going through the most

complex and difficult changes in form and structure,

and all this they accomplish without waving signs

for the camera and disrupting traffic and throwing

paint and using foul language and dressing in

outlandish clothes. Yes, Mr. Daring.

MR. DARING:
But what about those fetuses, sir, that

the Vice President has labeled "troublemakers"? I

believe he was referring specifically to those who

start in kicking around the fifth month. Do you

agree that they are "malcontents" and "ingrates"?

And if so, what measures do you intend to take to

control them?
TRICKY:
Well, first off, Mr. Daring, I

believe we are dealing here with some very fine

distinctions of a legal kind. Now, fortunately

(impish en
dearing smile) I happen to be a lawyer

and have the kind of training that enables me to

make these fine distinctions. (Back to serious

business)

TRICKY HOLDS A PRESS CONFERENCE
13

I think we have to be very very careful here and I

am sure the Vice President would agree with me-to

distinguish between two kinds of activity:
kicking
in

the womb, to which the Vice President was

specifically referring, and moving in the womb. You

see, the Vice President did not say, despite what you

may have heard on television, that
all
fetuses who

are active in the womb are troublemakers. Nobody

in this Administration believes that. In fact, I have

just today spoken with both Attorney General

Malicious and Mr. Heehaw at the FBI, and we are

all in agreement that a certain amount of movement

in the womb, after the fifth month, is not only

inevitable but desirable in a normal pregnancy.

But as for this other matter, I assure you, this