Our Gang (12 page)

Then too there is the former First Lady's bitterness

toward her own country, as manifested in her

decision to marry a foreigner and live in a foreign

country.

POLITICAL COACH:
Well, it isn't exactly as though

she's living in Peking or Hanoi, you know.

LEGAL COACH:
I've considered that, and I think that

the wisest course to follow is not to mention the

name of the country itself. We'll just keep saying

foreign-suggesting intrigue and despots and shady

operations-and hope that nobody will remember

it's only Greece.

POLITICAL COACH:
Jackie and Lancelot-I've got to

admit, we're going to get the headlines on this one.

But why Jimi Hendrix, if he's dead?
LEGAL COACH:

Because we haven't had a rock performer yet. And

personally I think _the parents of the country are

ready to hang one of those bastards. We'll start

cautiously, however, with a dead one. And if we

don't pick up any flak there, we'll get ourselves a

live one in time for
,
the election ... And, of course,

last but not least, his name begins with a "J."

TRICKY:
I must say, from the sound of it, you

certainly appear to have thought this through in all

its ramifications in only about five minutes. The

political advantages to be gained by associating

Lancelot and the Charisma name with rock singers

and folk singers seem to be inestimable. And

indicting and then freeing Johnny Carson is

probably just about the most fantastic opportunity

for self-aggrandizement I've come upon since

Hiss.

LEGAL COACH:
Thank you, Mr. President.

TRICKY:
But-and this is a very big but-there is the

rule, of your own devising, that we all agreed to

earlier. Yes, I know you see this as "a clear and

present danger" to the party-but I happen to see it

as nothing short of a tremendous boon.

Consequently, I am not going to allow you to

submit these five names. But-and here is an even

bigger but-but, because the five
are
inextricably

linked by their first initial, I am going to ask you

rather to submit them as though they were one. And

to indicate that they are to be tabulated as one and

not five, I am going to place a large bracket there in

the margin, like so ... See? I want all of you to see. I

have just done exactly as I said I would. Please take

a good long look so that afterwards there is no

cause to question the honesty of these proceedings.

(All examine the bracket and agree it is a bracket,

just as the President said) Now then, Professor.

Your vote.

HIGHBROW COACH:
I cast my vote for Curt

Flood and Curt Flood alone. Not only is his a fresh

name to a country that is growing pretty weary of

the Berrigans and the Panthers-and, with all due

respect, is sick to death of Jacqueline Charisma-but

on top of that he is, as I said earlier, someone we

can slander and vilify without any danger of turning

him into a hero or a martyr. In the argot of baseball,

he is a natural.

TRICKY:
Very good. (Records the vote) And,

Reverend? Have you reached a final decision? You

can't say I haven't given you time to make a wise

choice.

SPIRITUAL COACH:
No, I can't. Only I'm afraid

that having listened to everything that's been said,

I'm really more confused now than when I began. I

mean I'm still very much for Jane Fonda. She is still

far and away my first choice. but once I get beyond

her-well, I just can't make up my mind. And it really

would be terrible to do the wrong thing, wouldn't it,

given the gravity and seriousness of what we're

about ... ?

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 81

(To the General) Excuse me, but who did you vote

for again?

MILITARY COACH:
Hanoi and Haiphong.
SPIRITUAL

COACH
(to Political Coach) : And

you?

POLITICAL COACH:
Hanoi, without Haiphong.

SPIRITUAL COACH
(to Legal Coach) : And you

have the five-in-one-and what were the others?

LEGAL COACH:
Berrigans, Panthers and Flood.

SPIRITUAL COACH
(throwing his hands up) : Oh,

this is just impossible! Each one sounds better than

the one before! Oh-the heck with it! Eeny, meeny,

miney, moe ... Okay! Jane Fonda
and
Curt Flood!

Done!

TRICKY:
(Records the Reverend's vote) Now that all

the ballots have been cast, gentlemen, I am going

once again to pass this sheet of paper among you

so that you may be certain that your votes have

been correctly tabulated. Even the President of the

United States, you know, is capable of making a

clerical error, and if he has, he certainly hopes that

he can be a big enough man to admit it. (He passes

the paper among them)

LEGAL COACH:
Jimi Hendrix, Mr. President

the first name is spelled J-i-m-i, not J-i-m-m-y, as

you've written it here.

TRICKY:
Well, let's correct it then, because that is just

the sort of error, inadvertently made, that tends to

be totally misconstrued by the press.

82
OUR GANG

Now I never claimed to know how to spell the

names of every colored person in this country, but

I will tell you this much: where someone's name is

concerned, colored or not, he has a constitutional

right to have it spelled correctly on any indictment

that is handed down on him, no matter how absurd

or outrageous the charges themselves. And so long

as I am President, I am going to make every effort

to see that this is done. Now, J-i-m what?

LEGAL COACH:
I.

TRICKY:
J-i-m-i. There. And I'll initial the change,

just to make clear exactly who is responsible for

both the error and the correction. There!

Now I only wish that the wonderful colored

people of this country could have seen the scrupulosity

with which I attended to a matter

seemingly so picayune as this one. Oh sure, the

media would still find something to carp about, you

can bank on that. But I am certain, if I know the

great majority of good, hard-working colored

people in this country, that the time I just took

from my pressing duties as President of the United

States and Leader of the Free World to correct a

single letter in one of their names would not have

gone unnoticed and unappreciated. Call me a

dreamer; call me a believer in humanity; call me, as

the song has it, a'cockeyed optimist; and be sure to

call me a big man too,

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
83

for admitting to my error; but I am sure that they

would understand just how difficult a problem this

is for us to solve, given the kinds of ways they

spell those names of theirs, and I think they would

have that wonderful wisdom, such as comes to

people who work in menial occupations, to realize

that a job of these proportions is not going to be

completed overnight, and that consequently we are

not about to be bullied into spelling their names

correctly by marches or demonstrations or mule

trains parked on the White House lawn. We will

spell them right but in our own sweet time, and

according to our own secret timetable, on earth as

it is in Heaven.

SPIRITUAL COACH:
Amen.

TRICKY
And, my friends, on that sanctimonious

note, I am going to call this conference to a close.

At ten A.M., we shall meet to settle upon the exact

nature of the crime. In the meantime, I will remain

here in the locker room, in uniform .. .

SPIRITUAL COACH:
Mr. President, it is nearly

dawn. You must get some rest. You must take

your helmet off and go to bed.

TRICKY:
I couldn't sleep now, Reverend, if I tried.

Not with a smear campaign of this magnitude

before me.

SPIRITUAL COACH:
But a man has only so much

to give ...

TRICKY:
When it comes to something like this,,

84
OUR GANG

Reverend, I have to say, immodest as it may sound,

I am indefatigable. No, I will remain
in
uniform,

helmet and all, and with the aid of the ballots you

have cast here in this free election, I will hammer

out, in the lonely vigil of the night, the conspiracy

that seems to me most beneficial to my career. I

only hope and pray that I am equal to the task.

Good night, gentlemen, and thank you.

ALL:
Good night, Mr. President. (They rise to leave)

TRICKY:
And don't forget to hand in your
uni
forms at

the door. I won't mention names, but I understand

that last time one of you tried to smuggle his out,

under his street clothes, in order to show off at

home to his wife and children. Of course, I

understand the temptation. How many times have I

wanted to address the nation in my shoulder guards!

I've never told this to a soul, but strictly between us,

at the time of the Cambodian incursion, I did go on

nationwide TV, unbeknownst to everyone, wearing

my regulation National Football League athletic

supporter.

I just couldn't help myself. I'd seen Patton and I'd

invaded Cambodia, and I guess the whole thing

went to my head. Of course, not a word beyond

these four walls: if any of my critics found out, well,

you know how they like to jump on Dixon. All I

have to do is wear a football player's jockstrap on

TV while making

TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
85

a foreign policy speech and the morning papers

would have me pegged as a psychopath. Down here

in the secret underground locker room it's one

thing-up there in the real world, banker's gray!

ALL:
You can trust us with your secrets, Mr.

President.

TRICKY
(moved) : I know I can ... All right, then. It

remains only for each of you, as he passes from the

room, to slap me on the behind the way the pros do

coming out of the huddle. And don't forget to say,

"Way to go, Tricky D, way to go!"

* 4 *

Tricky Addresses

the Nation

(The Famous "Something Is Rotten in

the State of Denmark" Speech)