Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex (56 page)

in, 240n23; sex education adaptations

by, 230n49; subsidies for minorities, 249n35

Rickets, Kirsten (pseud.), 63, 72, 236n7, 241n34

rights, Dutch, 10, 229–30n42 rights, U.S., 10, 228n23

risk perception and management: approach to, 155–56; of Dutch teenagers, 168–77; medical perception of, 11; sex as danger- ous, 11, 58–59, 114–15, 156–61, 178,

243n1; summary of, 177–80; of teenage alcohol consumption, 84–86; of U.S. teenagers, 156–68.
See also
dramatiza- tion of adolescent sexuality; normaliza- tion of adolescent sexuality

Rogers, Joel, 251n49 Röling, Hugo, 231–32n77

Rose, Susan, 236n4, 246n36

Ruiter, Marlies de (pseud.), 41, 87, 102

Sam (pseud.): on drugs and alcohol, 149, 151; on family agreements, 144, 145; on love, 176; on sex for boys and girls, 173; on talking with parents, 137

Sandfort, Theo, 234n12 Sarah (pseud.), 174

Schama, Simon, 80

Schnabel, Paul: on guilty sexuality, 235n19; on relationship-based sexuality, 234n11; on sexual revolution, 228–29n36, 229n37, 233n3

Schneider, David, 236–37n9

schools: access to, 214, 215; selection for study, 216–17.
See also
education; sex education; university and college experi- ence

—Dutch: access to, 215; class differences in, 49, 235n20; description of, 224

—U.S.: access to, 214; description of, 222, 223; dialogue about sex absent in, 5–6; “displays of affection” often prohib- ited in, 250n38; parental expectations of athletes in, 109; sex as dangerous, taught in, 159; sexual name-calling and bullying in, 173; teenage girls’ reputa- tion in, 61; zero-tolerance policies in, 98–99, 129

Schutte, Anneke (pseud.), 33, 42, 48, 95,

102

self, concepts of others and, 78–81.
See also
adversarial individualism; cultural con- cepts and practices; culture: as constitu- tive; interdependent individualism

self-control and self-regulation: in auton- omy, 82; conceptual frame of, 38–41; Dutch parents on alcohol and, 87–89; expected in drinking, 150–51; freedom circumscribed by, 135; as measure of Dutch adulthood, 92–94; as prerequi- site, 34; prized by Dutch, 195; sexual readiness in, 17–18; teen boys’ view of, 138–39; U.S. parents on alcohol and, 84–87.
See also
sexual readiness

self-reliance, 117–18, 225n4, 230–31n56 self-sufficiency: autonomy and adulthood

defined by, 82–83, 89–90, 186–87, 210;

financial, 17, 19, 56, 65–66, 74–75, 92,

194, 241n37; limits of notion, 210–11; moving away from home as proof of, 82–83, 91–92; self-regulation vs., 106;

sexual freedom linked to, 54, 63–64 sex: as dangerous (in United States), 11,

58–59, 114–15, 156–61, 178, 243n1;

definitions of, 225n2 sex education

—Dutch: commitment to providing, 204–5;
gewoon
manner of talk in, 33–36; government funding for, 233n4; parent-teen conversations about, 132, 133, 135–38, 139, 140; positive aspects key to, 9; relationship-based sexuality frame in, 36, 43; religious adaptations of, 230n49; sex is fun for both girls and boys (message in), 171–72; timing of implementation, 231–32n77; youth interactive competencies considered, 230n46.
See also
contraception: Dutch

—U.S.: access to, 159–61, 203–5; battles over, 6, 258n6; hormones discussed in, 57–58; opportunity for shift in, 208–12; policy recommendations for, 204–5; public support for, 6, 228n29; teachers’ roles in, 257n22; teen’s appreciation for,

108.
See also
contraception: U.S. sexual ethics: code of law distinguished

from, 182, 246n1; discourses of control and power in, 187–90; dramatization

and normalization as, 182–87; modes of regulation in, 183–85; questions about, 182–83; self-formation in, 185–87; terminology for, 246n2

sexual intercourse: confidence in safe means of, 168–72; discourse of danger about, 114–15, 156–61, 178, 243n1;

Dutch vs. U.S. parental influences on, 57; Dutch vs. U.S. teen relationships and, 246–47n10; emotionality and physicality of, 167; as “going to bed,” 29, 41, 173, 174, 225n2, 233n1; secrets

about, 107–9; symbolic definition of, 64, 236–37n9; teens who have had, 6, 225–26n7, 228n31; in vs. out of mo- nogamous relationship, 77, 237–38n2.
See also
contraception; sleepovers

—first experience: age, beliefs, and reali- ties of, 3–4, 44; age for marriage vs., 237n17; Dutch and U.S. compared, 177–80, 204; engaged too lightly or too early, 44, 45–46; feeling in control of, 8–9, 230n46; joint decision in, 132; les- sons learned from, 54, 169–70, 172–73; problems and mixed feelings in, 4–6, 227–28n22; regret for, 157–58; U.S. girls surveyed about, 245n31.
See also
sexual readiness

sexuality: agency in, 134, 196–98, 246n6; definitions of, 54, 225n2; economic insecurity and, 250n39; ethical work of, 185–87; gender differences rejected in terms of, 170–71;
gewoon
manner of talking about, 33–36; guilty, defined, 235n19; modes of control and power in, 187–90; modes of regulation of, 183–85; questions about, 182–83; respecting diversities of, 211; social control mechanisms in heterosexuality, 12–13.
See also
adolescent sexuality; homosexuality

sexually transmitted diseases (STDs): comparisons and statistics on, 42, 204, 255n7; dangers of, 58–59; fears of,

4, 160; reporting of, 234–35n16; sex education on, 233–34n10.
See also
HIV/ AIDS

sexual readiness: adversarial individual-

ism’s impact on, 24–25; concept of, 17–18; couple’s differences on, 55–56; efforts to bolster recognition, 200; hormone-based frame for denying, 57–59, 65; parental definition of, 29; parental past in discussion of, 53–54; parental readiness for, 40–42; parental view on timing of, 68–70; parent- daughter talk about, 139–42; parent- son talk about, 136–39; self-regulation in, 17–18, 38–41.
See also
sexual inter- course: first experience

sexual revolution: adolescent sexuality after, 3–9; cultural templates based on experiences in, 9, 15–16, 78–81, 104–6; double standard eliminated in, 70, 237n12; drug use compared in, 240n25; men’s flight from commitment and, 240n26; response of Dutch to, 233n3, 233n8, 240n29, 240nn23–24, 243n3;

response of U.S. to, 70–73, 75, 240n29 sexual subjectivity: acceptable space for,

142; agency and, 134, 196–98, 246n6; definition of, 12; denied to U.S. girls, 242n2; pleasure/danger nexus for female, 243n1; recognition of, in Dutch girls, 50, 142; sexual readiness and, 39

Singh, Susheela, 242n7 sleepovers

—Dutch: acceptance of, 7, 203; ambigu-

ity about, 141–42, 152; anticipation

of, 133, 134, 138–39; control and

connection in, 19–20, 24–25; cultural

practices in, 17–18; as
gezellig
, 137–39; legal context of, 23; moving with time in allowing, 49–51; normalization in, 31–33, 41–43; parents’ readiness for,

40–42, 46–47, 48, 170; parent-teen

negotiations on, 29–31, 132, 137–40; sexual ethics and, 182–87; types of individualism in, 18–19, 232n78; U.S. differences with, 1–2, 3, 7, 10

—U.S.: age and job stipulations placed on, 54, 63–64, 65–66, 74–75, 194;

Dutch differences with, 1–2, 3, 7, 10; out-of-control potential of, 59; parental responsibility for regulation and op- position to, 62–64; reasons to allow,

68–69; rejected absolutely, 55–56, 74,

113; sexual ethics and, 182–87; teenage boys on, 110, 116–17; teenage girls on, 113

Smith, Tom W., 256n17

smoking.
See
cigarette smoking; drug use Sniderman, Paul M., 254–55n69 Snippenburg, Leo van, 229n39 SOA/AIDS (organization), 233–34n10 social change: adolescent sexuality and,

135; concept of, 78–81; political nor- malization of, 243n3.
See also
sexual revolution

social control (discipline): in adversarial vs. interdependent individualism, 18–19, 232n78; cultural mechanisms in, 12–13, 16–17; culture of, in United States, 80, 238n13; Dutch agree- ments as, 104; gender differences in, 21–22; modes of power in, 187–90; in normalization vs. dramatization, 65; permission linked to, 235n21; polder metaphor for, 233n3.
See also
connec- tion through control; control through connection

Social Organization of Sexuality, The
(Lau- mann et al.), 3–4, 9

social security net.
See
welfare state society.
See
polity; social control (disci-

pline)

Soysal, Yasemin N., 239n18

Starring, Jacqueline (pseud.), 38, 39, 43, 92

Starring, Piet (pseud.), 39, 42, 92 Stephenson, Peter H., 80, 238n14, 251n47 Steve (pseud.), 115, 123, 125, 160, 161

Stolk, Bram van: on Dutch nobility, 258n4; on homosexuality, 229n37, 235n18;

on parental economic security, 250n43; on social-economic skills of children, 251n46; on women’s power and govern- ment benefits, 250–51n45

Streeck, Wolfgang, 251n49

Swaan, Abram de, 232n78, 239n20, 247n11

Swidler, Ann, 14–15, 79, 237n11, 245n21

Tak, Peter J. P., 248n24, 254n66

Tanja (pseud.), 146

Taylor, Charles, 253n59

teenagers: adversarial vs. interdependent individualism and gender of, 21–22; characteristics and demographics of, 2, 219–21; cultural tenets resisted and

underscored by, 181–82; Dutch vs. U.S. compared, 77–78, 237–38n2; ethical work of, 185–87; in one- vs. two-parent families, 200, 254n65; recruitment and questions for, 216–18.
See also
teen boys; teen girls; teen romantic relation- ships

—Dutch: attitudinal similarities and double standard juxtaposed in, 8, 230n45; on family expectations and
gezelligheid
, 142–47; girls vs. boys with multiple partners, 173–75; on parental leniency vs. strictness, 147–49; on sex and mutual feelings, 245n28; sexual agency of, 134.
See also
control through connection; psychology of incorpora- tion

—U.S.: access to sexual information for, 159–61; attitudes toward, 4; eighteen as turning point for, 116–17; as emotion- ally and financially dependent, 63–64, 65–66, 74–75, 194; familial surround- ings of, 258n9; on following rules, 118–21; on getting caught, 124–28, 242n4; powerlessness felt by, 160–61; psychosocial support for, 209; sexual activities of, 6, 228n31; on sneaking around the rules, 121–24.
See also
con- nection through control; psychology of separation

teen boys: ambivalence of, 12; ease of talking with parents (statistics), 243n7; interviews of, generally, 216, 259n14; studies of sexuality, love, and relation- ships of, 243–44n2

—Dutch: absence of sense of risk associ- ated with sex, 178; encouraged to make sexuality
gezellig
, 134–35; on gender differences, 170–71; limited parental conflicts with, 243n4; on love, 175–77, 244n2, 256n13; on openness and agree- ments, 131–32; on safe-sex messages, 172; on talking with parents, 135–39,

143

—U.S.: desire to “get laid,” 55–56; pa- rental lectures about responsibilities of, 114–18; preemptive discipline of, 119–20; romantic views of, 167–68, 256n12; separation and success of, 195–96; on sex and relationships, 158–59; “soulless sex” label for, 15,

165–68, 179; stigmatized for virginity, 5 teen girls: interviews of, generally, 216;

pregnancies, births, and abortions of (statistics), 226–27n16; recruitment of, 216–17; sexual desires of, 12, 162,

173–75, 246n33, 246n35

—Dutch: agency of, 196–98; ambiguity about sleepovers, 141–42, 152; encour- aged to make sexuality normal, 134–35; on first sexual intercourse, 8–9, 169–70, 172–73; limits of “slut” label for, 169, 173, 245n27; on love, 168–69; on love and sex, 174–75; on openness and agreements, 132–34; on safe-sex mes- sages, 172; sexuality and relationships of, 252nn54–55; sexual satisfaction of, 245n29; sexual violence against, 200, 254n67; on talking with parents about sexuality, 139–42; work and life plans of, 252n53

—U.S.: costs of sexuality for, 60–61; first sexual experience of, 4–5, 157–58, 227–28n22; on getting bad reputa- tion, 156–57; romantic views of, 164, 245n17; sexual double bind of,

196–98; sexual explorations kept secret from parents, 107–9, 127; sexuality discussions with parents (or not), 111, 112–14; sexual subjectivity denied to, 242n2; “slut” label for, 5, 156–57, 162–64, 243–44n2; stigmatized sexual- ity of, 162–64

teen romantic relationships: adult relation- ships compared with, 176; complexi- ties of, 245n19; dismissal of, 163–64; Dutch vs. U.S. compared, 77, 237– 38n2, 246–47n10; Dutch vs. U.S. cul- tural models for, 179–80; expectations of love in, 174–77; parental regulation of dating, 64–66, 69–70; quality vs. duration of, 37–38; as reducing recidi- vism, 242n4; revisiting attitudes toward,

210–11; sexual intercourse accepted in, 6–9, 245n28; sexual intercourse rejected (but often practiced) in, 3–6,

244n12; sexuality based in connections in, 36–38, 108, 117, 132, 169–71, 173;

sexual readiness linked to attachments of, 39–40

Thompson, Sharon, 4, 245n15, 259n14 Tober, Cheryl (pseud.): adolescent experi-

ences of, 73; adulthood defined by, 89; on college away from home, 91; hormone-based frame of, 157; on sexuality and being in control, 53–54, 56, 58, 65

Tober, Stephanie (pseud.): on first sexual experience, 157–58, 164, 177; on sex as

always negative for girls, 156–57, 162,

172; sexual information search of, 159; sexual readiness of, 53–54

Tolman, Deborah L., 4–5, 244n12, 257n22 Tremont (pseud.): attitudes toward girls

in, 61, 156–57; conversations about contraception in, 67–68; description of, 11, 222–23; sex education in, 57–58, 159–60; social control of students in, 125–26; suspension for alcohol con- sumption in, 241n31; use of data from, 230n53

trust, 51, 98, 133–34, 254n68

United States: economy of, 192–93; Neth- erlands compared with, 213–16.
See also
adolescent sexuality: U.S.; polity: U.S.;
and specific topics

university and college experience: costs and youth support in, 84, 241n32; financial support and stipends for, 10, 84, 92,

94, 195, 241n32, 250–51n45, 250n42,