Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex (53 page)

relationships, 164; on love and sex, 174; on sexual information, 160; on “slut” label, 162

Carpenter, Laura, 5, 245n15 Catholic Church, Dutch, 7, 229n37

Centers for Disease Control and Preven- tion, 256n9

Centraal Bureau voor de Statistiek, 242n1 Cherlin, Andrew, 79

Children’s Telephone (Dutch), 232n84 cigarette smoking: details withheld about,

123; parental view of, 147, 148–49; teens fudging the truth about, 150–52; zero tolerance for, 99

class differences: in educational tracks, 49, 235n20; in hierarchical parent- teen relationship, 243n9; HIV, STIs, and pregnancies reflective of, 235n16; non-normal sexuality and, 42–43; in

relationship-based sexuality, 37–38, 49; sexuality and agency in, 246n6; U.S. difficulty in addressing, 256n14

Colin (pseud.), 116 Collier, Jane, 232n79

Commonwealth Fund, 253n63 condom use: dual protection, 152, 205,

227n17; increased, 4; statistics on, 227n17

condom use (
continued
)

—Dutch: humor and encouragement of, 40, 43; public health campaigns for, 37, 171–72, 234n15; talking with parents about, 31, 35, 40, 136

—U.S.: education about, 6, 62–63; humor and encouragement of, 64; lectures on responsibilities and use of, 114–18; limited faith in, 158–61, 178; U.S. conversations about staying safe with, 67–68

connection through control: boys’ explora- tions tacitly approved in, 109–10, 114–18; break and reconnection inher- ent in, 112; control through connection compared with, 19–20; costs of, 24–25; following rules in, 118–21; getting caught in, 124–28, 242n4; girls’ explo- rations kept secret from parents, 107–9, 111, 112–14, 127; psychology of separa- tion linked to, 111–12; recommenda- tions on, 128–29, 203–12; sleepovers in context of, 183–87; sneaking around the rules in, 121–24.
See also
adversarial individualism; dramatization of adoles- cent sexuality; psychology of separation

contraception: dual protection in, 152, 205, 227n17; statistics on, 227n17, 228n23.
See also
birth control and morning-after pills; condom use; sex education

—Dutch: access to, 204–5, 228n23, 248n25; confidence in safety of, 168–72; conver- sations about, 132, 136, 140–41; encour- aged use of, 7, 40; as perfect example

of use, 245n25; safe-sex campaigns on, 171–72, 179, 203; teen use of, 133,

169–70, 178, 246n5, 246n34

—U.S.: lack of information available to teens, 244n5; limited access to, 6, 205, 228n23; limited faith in, 158–61, 178;

limited teen use of, 157–58, 177–78, 245n30; parent-teen conversations about, 67–68, 108, 112–14, 244n5;

poor adult record of use, 246n9 control through connection: connection

through control compared with, 19–20; knowing what can and cannot be done in, 136, 147–52; mandates of
gezellig-

heid
in, 142–47; openness and negotia- tions in, 131–34; parent-teen conversa- tions about sexuality and sleepovers, 135–42; psychology of incorporation linked to, 134–35; realism and “vigilant leniency” in, 135, 147–49; sleepovers in context of, 183–87; summary of, 152–53.
See also
interdependent indi- vidualism; normalization of adolescent sexuality; psychology of incorporation

Corona (pseud.): anonymity of students in, 125–26; conversations about contra- ception in, 67; description of, 10–11, 221–22; peer culture and teen relation- ships in, 164; police surveillance in, 238n13; sex education access in, 160; teenage girls’ reputation in, 61; use of data from, 230n53

courtship (
verkering
), 29, 36, 132–33, 244n3.
See also
teen romantic relation- ships

cultural concepts and practices: con- nection through control vs. control through connection in, 19–20, 24–25; continuity, confrontation, and change in, 199–201; developing understanding of, 218–19; Dutch vs. U.S. compared, 3; generational attitudes toward, 181; identification of, 14–17; individualism and gender in, 21–22; legal, political, and institutional context of, 22–24; regulation of sexuality and public underlying, 198–99; as shaping experi-

ence of sexual revolution, 15, 51, 78–81, 199; types of individualism underlying, 18–19, 232n78

—Dutch: changing rules about sexuality in, 6–9; families eating dinner together as, 142–43; geography’s role in, 238n16; normalization process in, 32–33, 41–43.
See also
control through connec- tion;
gezelligheid
(cozy togetherness); normalization of adolescent sexuality; interdependent individualism; psychol- ogy of incorporation

—U.S.: coming of age scripts in, 111–12, 118; dramatization process in, 64–66; driver’s license as rite of passage in, 121; marriage-only framework in, 6; policy

recommendations concerning, 208–12; recommendations for moving beyond current, 205–12; sex as battle in, 57, 59–62, 65, 236n7.
See also
adversarial individualism; connection through con- trol; dramatization of adolescent sexual- ity; freedom; psychology of separation

cultural languages: absent for teenage love in United States, 57, 236n4; concept of, 14, 15, 231n70;
gewoon
manner of talk- ing about sexuality in, 33–36; heroic vs. prosaic terms for love in, 237n11; limits and tensions in, 43–45; second type of, 66–68; self-others relationship in, 79; silences and lacunae in, 18

culture: concept and comparisons of na- tional cultures, 15–16; as constitutive, 14, 32, 50, 78, 106, 135, 182, 185–87,

194–99; contested within nations, 231n75; costs of, 24–25; definitions of, 13–14, 231n68, 234n14; processes of, 14–17, 32; social control (disciplinary)

mechanisms in, 13, 16–17.
See also

cultural concepts and practices curfews, 96, 98, 102, 107, 120

Daniel (pseud.), 115, 121, 122, 167

Dean (pseud.), 117, 165–66

Declaration of Independence, 213, 258n3 D’Emilio, John, 5

Denner, Jill, 257n28 Diana (pseud.), 144, 146

DiMaggio, Iris (pseud.): on commitment and sex, 67; on openness about sexual- ity, 71; on parent-teen battles and com- promises, 97, 98, 250n41; on teenage

dependence/autonomy, 63–64 DiMaggio, Mark (pseud.), 71 Donald (pseud.), 161

Donnenwerth, Gregory, 4

Doorman, Heidi (pseud.): adult status for, 95–96; on drinking, 88, 149; on family agreements, 103–4, 145; on sex and re- lationships, 174; sexual orientation of, 39; sexual readiness of, 1; on sleepovers, 139–40

Doorman, Karel (pseud.): on adulthood and moving out, 95; on contentious teens, 100; on parent-teen agreements,

103–4; on sexual readiness, 39; on teenage drinking, 88; on teenage sex, 1, 3, 10

Dorien (pseud.), 143–44, 174–75

Dorothy (pseud.), 161, 162, 164, 165 double standard and sex-stereotyping: as

cost of sex for girls, 60–61; Dutch and

U.S. compared, 5, 8, 178, 230n45, 246n36; elimination of, 70, 237n12; of middle- vs. low-income girls, 16; psychology of separation in, 21; “slut” label in, 5, 156–57, 162–64, 169, 178, 243–44n2, 245n27; U.S. girls’ agency and, 196–98.
See also
gender differ- ences; gender dilemmas

dramatization of adolescent sexuality: absence of positive narrative in, 73–75; adversarial individualism underlying, 18–19, 232n78; basis for, 181–82; battle between sexes frame in, 57, 59–62, 65, 236n7; concept of, 3, 17, 237n16; connection through control in, 20; conversations about contraception in, 67–68; as cultural process, 64–66,

77–78, 104–6; discourse of danger in,

114–15, 156–61, 178, 243n1; embark-

ing on relationship in, 68–70; frames of, summarized, 56–57; good vs. bad reputation, 156–58; hormone-based

sexuality frame in, 57–59, 65, 69; as

mode of power, 188, 189–90; normal- ization’s lessons for, 205–12; opposi- tional nature of, 179; parental stipula- tions in, 54–56; parent regulation frame in, 62–64, 69; parents’ history and ambivalence in, 70–73; parent-teen negotiations in, 53–54; parent-teen relationship in, 11–12; policy recom- mendations concerning, 205–7; sexual ethics of, 182–87; sexual experience ambiguous in, 21–22; “slut” label for

girls, 5, 156–57, 162–64, 243–44n2; so-

cial control (disciplinary) mechanisms in, 13; “soulless sex” label for U.S. boys, 15, 165–68, 179; welfare state and con- ditions for, 194–99.
See also
adversarial individualism; connection through control; psychology of separation

drinking.
See
alcohol consumption

driving: as adult privilege, 107; alcohol consumption in relation to, 87; parental restrictions on, 120–21

drug use: statistics and comparison of, 240n25, 243n11

—Dutch: cannabis decriminalization and, 248n25; parental view of, 146–47, 148–49; “soft” control of, 81, 200; teens’ fudging the truth about, 151–52

—U.S.: culture of aggressive control in, 80, 99, 194; getting caught in, 126; parent- teen disagreements over, 101; secrets about, 109, 123; unprotected sex linked to, 246n4

du Bois-Reymond, Manuela, 239n20, 251n45

Dutch Act of Abjuration (
Plakaat van Verla- tinge
), 213, 258n3

Dutch Association for Sexual Reform (NVSH), 229n38

Dutch Catholic Church, 7, 229n37 Dutch Reformed Church, 230n49 Duyvendak, Jan Willem, 234n15

Eastern City (pseud.), description of, 10, 223–24

economic security.
See
welfare state education: costs and youth support in,

84, 241n32; interviewees compared, 215–16, 220.
See also
schools; university and college experience

Ehrenreich, Barbara, 240n26

Elias, Norbert, 231n62, 232n78, 239n20, 249n27

Elizabeth (pseud.), 141–42, 148–49, 151,

174

Elliott, Sinikka, 256n11

emergency contraception.
See
birth control and morning-after pills

emotion work: concept of, 14, 231n69; mothers as responsible for, 252n52; in moving out and loss of
gezelligheid
, 94–96; negotiations based in, 57

Engbersen, Godfried, 252–53n58 equality: in Dutch social security net,

250–51n45; in interdependent context, 80–81.
See also
gender differences

Erik (pseud.): on drinking, 150–51; on gender differences, 170–71; on girls’

desire, 173; on sex and relationships, 176, 177; on sleepovers, 138; on talking with parents about sexuality, 136

Ersanilli, Evelyn, 249n35

Europe: birth rate in United States vs., 4; income replacement programs in, 79

European Values Survey, 249n28 Evans, David, 232n84

Fagan, Brad (pseud.): on adulthood, 90–91, 92; on sexual readiness, 236n8; on teen- age drinking, 85–86

Fagan, Pamela (pseud.): on adulthood, 90–91; battle between sexes frame of, 60; on sex in media, 71; on sexual readi- ness, 236n8

“falling in love,” as phrase, 36, 60, 67, 74,

164, 175

fatherhood, teens as not ready for, 55, 69, 115, 158–59

Fenning, Marga (pseud.): on freedom and sexuality, 44; on moving with the time, 50; on parent-teen conversations, 35; on parent-teen disagreements, 101;

on premature sexual initiation of son, 45–46, 48; relationship-based frame of,

32, 38; on sleepovers, 30–31, 32, 138; on teenage drinking, 89

Fenning, Thomas (pseud.): on attune- ment with family members’ needs, 144; condom use encouraged for, 40; on drinking, 152; premature sexual initia- tion of, 45–46, 48; on safe sex, 172;

on sex and relationships, 176–77; on sexual pleasure, 175–76; on sleepovers, 138, 139; on talking with parents about sexuality, 136, 143

Fields, Jessica, 257n22 Fine, Michelle, 12, 246n35

Fiona (pseud.), 112–13, 164 Fischer, Claude, 240n28

Food and Drug Administration (U.S.), 236n1

Foucault, Michel: on disciplinary mecha- nisms, 12–13; on discourse, 231n68; Elias compared with, 249n27; limits of, 247nn12–13; on modes of power, 187–88, 189–90; on sexual ethics,

182, 185, 246nn1–2; on sexuality and agency, 246n6

France: sex education campaigns in, 236n4 Francine (pseud.), 140

Frank (pseud.), 136, 138, 139, 143, 149,

172

Freedman, Estelle B., 5

freedom: cultural concerns about, 16–17, 44–45; Dutch definition of, 135, 251n49; as ideal mode of being in United States, 186–87; regulation

of sexuality and public underlying, 198–99; winners, losers, and emphasis on, 192–94.
See also
psychology of separation

Fursman, Rhonda (pseud.): battle between sexes frame of, 61; on college away from home, 91; on hormones, 58; on love and sex, 66; on parent-teen battles, 98; on responsibilities with sexual

intercourse, 59; sleepovers rejected, 1–2, 3, 10; on son’s peer group, 250n40; on teenage drinking, 84; on teen sex as recreation, 56

Furstenberg, Frank, 237n17

Gaaij, Jan (pseud.), 88 Garland, David, 80, 240n24 Garssen, Joop, 8, 230n43

Geertz, Clifford, 14, 219, 231n68, 234n14 Gelderblom, Daphne (pseud.): humor of,

43–44; on parent-teen agreements, 102, 103; on sex education, 37; on sexual openness, 42

Gelderblom, Peter (pseud.), 43–44 gender differences: adolescent sexuality

in context of, 2; in adversarial indi- vidualism, 21–22; being a good girl emphasized, 112–14; boys’ responsi- bilities emphasized, 114–18; Dutch vs. U.S., 12, 155, 178, 207; growing up in hierarchical structure of, 72; implicit presence in Dutch interviews, 48–49; in interdependent individual- ism, 81; limits of perspectives on, 12,

57; in parents’ negotiations of son’s vs. daughter’s sexuality, 139; in psychology of separation, 111, 112–14; relationship- based sexuality frame and, 38; in tacit

permission to explore sexuality, 108.
See also
cultural concepts and practices; gender dilemmas

gender dilemmas: access to sexual informa- tion, 159–61; approach to, 155–56; boys’ view of love and, 175–77; childcare “sharing,” 247–48n20; girls’ desires, 12, 162, 173–75, 246n33,

246n35; girls’ vs. boys’ going with different partners, 169; good vs. bad reputation, 156–58; sex as dangerous (U.S.), 11, 58–59, 114–15, 156–61, 178,

243n1; “slut” label for girls, 5, 156–57, 162–64, 169, 173, 174, 243–44n2,