Never Letting Go (Delphian Book 1) (9 page)

I vaguely remembered her being at Ethan’s funeral.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured as I quickly grabbed my things and rushed out of the room.

“Please wait!”

I ignored the call, needing to get out. I needed air. I ran until I made it outside, and breathed a sigh of relief. Dropping all of my belongings, I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to calm my pounding heart.

“Your life’s so tragic, isn’t it?”

My head whipped around at the sound of her voice.

Alex stood looking over at me with a look of disgust across her beautiful features. She must have followed me after my outburst. Her dark brows were furrowed above her eyes, which were so similar to Ethan’s. Alex ignored the fact that we were both out in the parking lot, her voice carrying, people glancing at us curiously. “First your mom, then dear daddy, and now your boyfriend … you’d think someone was trying to tell you something.”

I remained silent, my face emotionless as I looked at the pain and hurt that Alex was trying to hide with her anger. Alex had every right to have anguish over the fact that her beloved brother was gone. I dealt with his loss by withdrawing; Alex dealt with it by lashing out, especially toward me.

She had every right.

“I wish it were you,” she whispered angrily. “I wish it was you who had died and not Ethan.”

I flinched at her honesty as she rattled off a few choice words like
bitch
and
damn
, then stormed off leaving me alone. I ignored the strange looks I was getting. A sad smile actually formed across my face as I realized that in the first time in years, we finally agreed on something.

I
FOUND MYSELF
staring off into space in the backyard as I sat on one of the beach chairs. I was drinking a vodka and cranberry mix, underage drinking being one of the perks of living with older roommates. I briefly closed my eyes, listening to the chirping of birds as they flew from tree to tree.

What I didn’t expect to see when I opened my eyes again was darkness. I blinked a few times, trying to correct my vision, then sighed, giving up when nothing changed.

I must be drunk.

“Please. Like that itty-bitty alcoholic beverage would be enough to knock you out. Have more faith in yourself, honey.”

I jolted upright by the sound of the female voice, eyes narrowing in confusion. “Who’s there?” I called out over the drumming of my heart, cautiously staring into darkness.

I heard a dramatic sigh. “Relax, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Swallowing thickly, I cleared my throat. “Why can’t I see you?” Had I somehow fallen asleep and been transported to another place other than with Ethan?

And if I did, where the hell was I exactly?

“Unfortunately as human, you’re unable to.”

Hesitantly, I stood up and started walking around with no sense of direction. I stopped when I felt a slight movement before me; goose bumps instantly erupted along my arms. “But that can change,” the voice whispered against my ear.

I tried not to show my fear. Despite the darkness, I felt this
being
could still see me.

Feel me.

“What do you want?” I asked breathlessly.

“It’s not what I want. It’s what
you
want.”

I frowned at her words. “And what do I want?”

An invisible hand stroked my face and I flinched. “What do we all want in this world?
Love.
I can give you back your love. Ethan, isn’t it?”

I closed my eyes at the notion of having Ethan back in this world with me. My heart swelled with hope then steadily started to race as I focused back to the being with me, this voice.

“It was you in my head before.”

“Yes,” she replied, even though I wasn’t expecting an answer.

“Who are you?”

“That’s not really the important question right now, sweetie. You know that. Ask again,” she whispered.

I shivered, the hair rising on the back of my neck. “You can really bring Ethan back?”

“I can do anything.”

I knew it couldn’t be this easy. “What do I have to do in return?” I blurted out before I lost the nerve.

“Smart girl.” I swear, I could hear her grin. As the voice began whispering the unbelievable task in my ear, I remained frozen. I stared into nothing but a dark abyss before finally blinking, tears spilling.

“So do we have an agreement?”

Despite the fear I felt and knowing that everything would forever change, I didn’t hesitate.

“Yes. Yes, I’ll do it.”

If it meant being with Ethan again, I’d do anything.

•••

“I
SN’T IT A
little early to be drinking? I mean, night hasn’t even fallen yet.”

Surprised, my eyes opened to see Liam looking down at me with a smirk on his face. I wiped my dry eyes, expecting tears, then glanced around in confusion at my surroundings before placing the plastic cup down next to me on the table.

I felt out of sync, my mind running wild with thoughts of what had just transpired. I looked down at my hands, realized they were shaking.

“What were you dreaming about?”

I squeezed my hands into fists, my eyes skimming the backyard. I felt as if eyes were still watching. Shivering suddenly, I wrapped my arms around myself, then glanced hesitantly at Liam.

He saw my unease.

“What’s wrong?”

Like I could discuss what was really going on inside my head. I thought back to earlier in the day, trying to focus on anything else then what had just happened. “You know, Alex cussed me out today.”

“That’s what got you so bent out of shape?” Liam sat down next to me, one eyebrow raised. “Doesn’t she cuss you out every day?”

I nodded once slowly. “Yeah, but today was especially laced with more bitterness than usual. She blames me for his death.”

And maybe rightfully so.

Liam saw my look of sadness and he reached over. He squeezed my hand. “That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. Please don’t tell me you believe her.”

I sighed in defeat. “Liam—”

“No,” he said firmly, squeezing my hand even tighter. “Alex is in mourning and she’s just lashing out at you. What Ethan did had nothing to do with you. If anything, he lasted longer with you by his side.”

I scoffed, not believing him. Bending my knees so my feet were placed on the lounge chair, I shook my head slowing back and forth, trying to prevent any tears from escaping.

“How am I supposed to last with him gone?” I finally asked. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

I was so trapped in my despair that I didn’t notice Liam looking at me strangely. He suddenly moved forward and pressed his lips against mine. For a moment I was utterly still, taking a minute to register what was actually happening.

Then I pulled back, pushing him away from me as I looked at him incredulously. “What was that?”

Liam licked his lips slowly. “I’m not apologizing.”

I shook my head at him, wiping the back of my hand against my lips. “Liam—”

“I’m not apologizing,” he said again, firmly. “Don’t you realize that he’s slowly killing you? He’s killing the free-spirited girl that I know and fell in love with.”

I didn’t say anything.

“We’ve been through everything.”

I nodded. “Yes.”

Liam went on like I never spoke. “Your mom’s accident, your father’s illness. I’ve been there for you, loving you, and then Ethan just waltzes into your life like he had a right to be by your side.”

“I love him—”

“Ethan didn’t deserve you when he was alive and he sure as hell doesn’t deserve you now,” Liam stated heatedly. His eyes darkened. “Love? He didn’t know what love was. If he knew what love was, he would have never jumped in front of that train and offed himself, leaving you all alone—”

I slapped him before he could say anything more and rose from the chair, angrily stalking off.

“You know it’s true,” Liam said from behind me.

I turned to him, shocked that he’d hurt me with those words. I’d give him points for that because Liam definitely knew how to hit me when I was down.

“Why’d you make me do that?” I asked, staring down at my right hand as if it didn’t belong to me.

“I’m just telling it like it is.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I spat out. “And I suggest you stop speaking. You clearly know nothing about what Ethan and I have. It’s sacred.”

“Had.”

I blinked. “That’s what I said.”

He shook his head sadly. “You said
have.
”

I said nothing, just staring back at Liam as I processed everything. He walked over to me, cupping my face in his palms and looked at me intently.

“Stay here with me,” he pleaded, his voice cracking toward the end. “With me in the living.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that, Liam,” I whispered softly, absolutely sure it was the only thing I could say. His left cheek was still red from my slap and I silently apologized to him by gently placing my lips there in a kiss.

I let my words ruminate with Liam because it was the sad truth that I had come to realize in this discussion with the only person left in this world that mattered to me. I frowned, remembering the voice from my dream. There was no way I could stay in the living—not without Ethan.

But it was okay because I had a plan now.

“W
HATEVER YOU’RE THINKING
of doing, don’t.”

I didn’t move a muscle nor say a word as I looked out at the beautiful ocean, my feet buried deep in the sand. I gave a small smile, still not believing that all of this wasn’t my version of what was real, my realm of reality.

But it would be.

Ethan came up from behind me and knelt, perching his chin on my shoulder. I shivered at our closeness and I momentarily closed my eyes in bliss.

Oh God, how I’d missed his touch.

“You’re ignoring me, Kitty Cat.”

“Hmm?” I murmured. I turned around so we faced one another, a lazy smile plastered on my face.

He looked back at me with a frown so deep it made furrows in his forehead.

“Don’t frown like that.” I moved a hand to smooth out the creases in his skin, then brought a hand to cup the side of his face.

He in return cupped my hand in his as I continued to touch his face. Then he took my hand as he placed a kiss in the middle of my palm and placed it back on my lap.

“Don’t do it.” His voice had a serious edge to it.

I looked back at the ocean. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You can’t do what I did, Sophia.”

I looked up at him in surprise. It was the first time in a long time that he’d spoken my name. He rarely did, using his usual pet names, so when he did say it, I knew he was dead serious.

“But it’s the only way, Ethan. I can’t live like this, in between two worlds. And if I have to choose, it’s with you.”

“And you’re going to ignore the living? What about everyone on the other side: Alex, Liam—”

“I don’t care!” I paused and spoke quieter. “Liam will move on without me, and Alex won’t miss me for a second. You don’t seem to understand that I can’t live without you. Every day that you’re gone my essence is staying less and less in that world and more here with you. I’m going to do what I have to do to stay here,” I ended, seething with raw determination.

This was the first time I wanted to leave the haven I had created with Ethan. I closed my eyes and willed myself to wake up so I could continue with my plan.

“Don’t do this! Stop being so selfish, Kitty Cat. Everything you do has consequences.” His voice was getting fainter and fainter as my eyes swung open and I realized that I was back in the safety of my bedroom.

I went through
the motions over the next few days. Guilt wracked my body whenever I saw Liam; he had no clue at what thoughts ran through my mind. We had forgiven each other for our heated argument. We weren’t on the same page, and we never would be, but I couldn’t do anything about that. I couldn’t love Liam the way he wanted me to love him. I was an all or nothing kind of person. It was Ethan or no one.

He’d have to live with that.

I’m truly sorry, Liam.

I did want to apologize to Alex. We might not have been particularly fond of one another but we both had loved the same person. In spite of everything, I did care for her, and perhaps, deep down inside in the depths of her black heart, she cared for me too.

Although I wouldn’t hold my breath.

I stood in front of her house. I hesitated, then knocked on the door. I prayed to God her parents weren’t there: I hadn’t prepared myself to see them.

Only Alex.

The door opened a few minutes later.

Alex stood before me, her face turning into a scowl. She crossed her arms, raising her chin in challenge.

“What are
you
doing here?”

I didn’t break my gaze, although it was hard seeing her. “Can we talk?”

“What do we possibly have to talk about?” she asked, pressing her lips together in a thin line.

I inhaled. “You know exactly what.”
Who.

She stared at me for a moment, then opened the door, but just enough for me to squeeze my body through. Closing the door, she started tapping her foot. “What?”

I ignored her, glancing around the house that had once been as familiar as mine. I walked into the living room, my eyes immediately going toward the fireplace. Above it were pictures of Alex’s family: herself, her mother and father.

Ethan.

I stared at his familiar smile as his eyes gleamed at me.

“You know, he only ever smiled when you were around.”

I didn’t notice that Alex had come up next to me, staring at the exact picture. I realized then I was in the picture as well, Ethan’s arms tightly wrapped around me.

“He never smiled,” she continued, bitterly. “Nothing I did, nothing Mom or Dad did, made him happy.” She turned to me. “But then you came along. And you instantly changed him. And I hated you for that. I hated you for the fact that you did what I couldn’t do for my own brother.”

“But it wasn’t enough, Alex.” My eyes were drawn back to his face. “I wasn’t enough.”

Alex laughed bitterly. “I guess Ethan lasted longer with you than without you.” Liam had said the same thing. “I guess I should thank you for that. He was a tortured soul,” she whispered, resigned.

“As am I.” She glanced at me, seeing how serious I was.

I continued. “I’m sorry, Alex. I’m sorry that you hate me so much. I’m sorry that I posed a challenge in yours and his relationship. For falling into Ethan and never being able to catch myself. For ignoring everything around us, including you. For being consumed by a love that I refuse to let go of.”

For the first time in a long time, I saw something more than hate cross her face. She stared at me and it reminded me of Ethan, of better times.

“Why are you going on like this?” She paused, eyeing me up and down. “It’s freaking me out. You’re beginning to sound like Ethan. All morbid and shit.”

I smiled slightly. “I just needed to say sorry. And goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” she asked, frowning in confusion. “Where the hell are you going? Vacation?”

I paused, thinking on how to answer. Then I said the only thing I could think of.

“Just somewhere I can’t come back from.”

I immediately wanted to change the subject so I rattled on. “Do you think in another life we’d be friends?”

Alex looked back at me like I was delusional. “I don’t know if that’s possible,” she replied bluntly.

I looked back at the photo of Ethan and me once more before nodding, resigned. I smiled faintly at Alex. “Thought I’d ask.”

She watched as I moved toward the front door, turning the knob. Stepping over the threshold, I turned back suddenly. “Do me a favor and check the mail tomorrow, okay?”

“Why?” Alex wanted to know. “You sending love letters to me now, Sophia?”

I walked along the path to where I parked my car. I grinned without turning back.

“In your dreams.”