My Love Forgive (3 page)

Like and like. An eye for an eye. He always paid me back with interest.

Although it was much too late to save myself, I scrambled up from the carpeted floor anyways and ran towards the closed door, uncaring that I didn’t have on a stitch of clothing. My body crashed into it when Damian slammed against my back. His breathing matched mine.

Panicked and rough.

“Why, Risa?” The soft query accused me of treachery.

I closed my eyes and answered sullenly, “Because you spanked me too hard.”

“Disciplined,” he corrected softly. “Say it.”

Rebellion prodded for me to disobey but I tried to be a good girl. This time. “Disciplined. You
disciplined
me too hard. I couldn’t take it.”

Damian stood at my back silently before breathing, “Liar.”

I stared at the floor. His feet dwarfed mine. “I’m sorry, Damian.”

His muscled arm secured itself around my waist. He hauled me up high against him. “What are you apologizing for?”

“For hurting you.”

Damian nuzzled the sensitive skin of my neck. I felt his teeth scrape twice and tensed. “Why did you bite me? Hmm? Why were you such a naughty, little girl? Weren’t we having such fun earlier?”

Normally, I would’ve said something flippant or maybe apologized sweetly in the tiny voice Damian enjoyed. Instead, I let the truth break free. “Because you didn’t care that you were hurting me.” My shaky whisper shamed me, making me feel weak.

Damian didn’t miss a beat. He murmured softly in my ear, “Biting like this is not tolerated between us.”

I tried to pull away but Damian held me tighter. I imagined if only I could create space between us, I could become as insincere as the pressed composite particles did at mimicking a wooden door.

Solid but hollow.

“I know.”

“Why would you think I don’t care about you, Risa? I care very much about
everything
that has to do with you. Big and small.”

I should’ve accepted his words and not wrung them out for further meaning. Instead, I really messed up. I could’ve said a million other things but chose to ask the question I most feared to hear the wrong answer.

“Do you love me, Damian?”

Please say yes. If you do then I know everything will be okay with us. I won’t have to walk around afraid because I don’t ever know what’s hiding behind the mask you put on.

His fingers pressed into my hip hard. It was the only indication he heard me. “I can’t let this pass, Risa. You do understand?”

My hopes crashed to the floor. There could be no doubt about it. Damian purposely ignored my question. Worse, he chose not to answer it.

It can only mean one thing. He doesn’t love me. He never did.

My heart pumped despite the bruising pain. “It doesn’t matter. Do what you have to do.”

“I can make it matter, little girl.”

The pet term of affection did nothing for me but the tone behind his words did. Damian may have never promised me love but I had promised him obedience. So despite how devastated I was, my lover’s disappointment cut me deeply.

I adored him so and hated to ever let him down. Besides, how could I get mad at Damian if he had never promised me love?

“I need some space, Damian.”

“Absolutely not.”

My misery spilled out with a tiny whimper. “I’m getting lost inside you, Damian.”

“I’ll find you. Always.” He pressed his lips softly against my lobe. His strong teeth razed against the sensitive surface. “This is my promise to you, Risa. I don’t break my promises. You know that.”

“I know, but I don’t want to disappear. I’ll be like all the others you’ve left—” The kiss on my ear stole away like a ghost. My voice collapsed on itself as my eyes itched with tears. They threatened to drown me in disgrace.

Damian turned us away from the wall and towards the bed. His lithe fingers stitched me to him by threading tightly through my disheveled hair.

“Wrong. You belong to me. You were mine from the first.”

I lunged forward and kissed him with everything I had.

One Month Earlier

Damian’s email fix began and ended with a simple reboot, done only minutes after he had said “No.” I felt a fool in more ways than one especially when he left me as a rigid, pink-cheeked, mute figurine without saying another word to me.

The rest of the day went the way of focused productivity until Julie had commiserated with one word.

“Gay. He has to be to turn you down.”

“Maybe, but I doubt it.”

“If not gay then blind.”

I thought of Damian’s sharp gaze, remembering how they seemingly missed nothing. “No, not blind.”

Julie must’ve seen the disappointment I tried so hard to shrug off. Her voice softened with sympathy. “Don’t even worry about him, Risa. He’s not worth the aggravation.”

“True.” I managed a smirk and a wink. “See you again on Monday?”

“Only if the lottery doesn’t hit.”

Our customary farewells did very little to soothe the real sting of rejection I’d experienced. So I found it much easier to pretend that afternoon with Damian Black didn’t really exist.

I nodded whenever I passed him in the main hall, eyes trained several inches to the right of his face. Anytime I called down to IT, I made sure I requested Malcolm since “he’s so familiar with my machine.” The few times Damian had come instead, I breezed through explaining my issue before leaving with a variation of “I’ve got an engagement. Just leave a note with instructions if you have to come back to get it running.”

Which he never did because it was always fixed the first time.

I eventually let my humiliating rejection slide back into the cramped corner of my mind where all things mostly-forgotten went. A few dates with a doctorate candidate followed by a night of good sex did wonders for my wounded pride.

The morning after found me passing Damian as I did everyday. If I looked at my watch, I’d know it would be 8:47am. Our routine never varied. Coming from opposite ends of the narrow hall, it took me a dozen steps to reach the point of impersonal acknowledgment. I surprised myself by looking him in the eye as I nodded with a bright smile.

Damian’s murmur stopped me in my cheerful tracks.

He did
not
say what I think he just said. No freakin’ way.

I whirled about, noting the rigidity of his gloriously wide back. “Sorry. I didn’t hear you. What did you say?”

He exhaled loudly before turning to face me. “Are you so filled with cream that you can’t hear properly either?”

Fuck no he didn’t just say that!

I couldn’t have heard him right but what I thought I heard was too scandalous to contemplate. Because of that I vaguely wondered if his dress shirt matched the crimson splotches surely marring my cheeks, ears, and neck. I resisted patting my face to test the heat of my skin.

Straightening my shoulders, I looked up and asked crisply, “Excuse me? What did you just say to me?”

No shame or remorse flickered across his patrician features. “So you did hear that. Good.” Damian ate the distance between us with two steps. His predatory smile stripped away my indignation. He leaned closer, careful to whisper in my ear, “I also said you disappoint me.”

My kiss ignited the fire always burning just under the surface of our interactions. As always, our sex was raw and a touch violent. There were no sweet caresses or whispered promises of love or adoration.

It frightened me. Not because I was afraid of Damian, never that, but because of how much I lost myself to the carnal domination that he exerted every time I entered his sexual sphere.

Now ensconced in his darkened bedroom, loud slurps followed by long sweeps of his tongue became a symphony of my masochistic regret. I straddled Damian’s face, unable to see his exquisite expressions because of the blindfold. I shifted, feeling off-balance until Damian secured my wrists tightly within his large hands.

“I have you, Risa. You’re not going anywhere.”

Things were different again but not unfamiliar. I was currently being rewarded but it was a transaction I had to pay for dearly. Discipline and emotional distance always came first and only then did Damian croon the words I ached for.

He was incredibly sweet. Pleasure poured over me, thick and drugging. My soft, pleasured cries increased in tandem with the suction of his mouth.

“Your pussy tastes so good, Risa. I can’t wait to see it stretched around my cock.”

His dirty talk shocked me the first time I’d heard it. Damian’s exacting mannerisms precluded the concept of impropriety. The crude words made a liar of his methodical façade and fascinated me all the more.

“Fuck my face. Move your hips. Yes, just like that!”

I obeyed, much as I usually did, out of longing and a terrible need to please him. Still the melancholy had me in its destructive grip. It had been getting harder lately to drown it out.

I’m trying, Damian. I’m really, really trying to be what you want me to be. To be as unattached as you are and only letting my body need yours.

Damian’s tongue swished side to side. He nibbled on one lip before lovingly attending its bare twin. His groans punched through my gasps, silencing them as I fixated on him.

“Are you going to come soon?”

My breathing hitched. I nodded, knowing his eyes had never left mine despite the silken ribbon concealing them.

“Tell me how good it feels, baby.”

My mouth became an extension of his desires. “It feels so good…yes! Please…”

“Tell me how bad you want it.”

“I want you, Damian! I want you so badly!” My trembling made me sway forward. He jerked me back with a firm yank.

“Don’t hide your face from me!”

Damian then bit the top of my shaven mound. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I had bit him, but it stung nonetheless. I swallowed a scream of shock.

You always pay me back, don’t you? Is this how it’s always going to be? Tit for tat isn’t much fun anymore—not when I don’t know if it’s okay to feel the way I do for you.

“Where did you go, Risa? Are you trying to get lost? You shouldn’t…” Damian pressed tiny kisses to my clit after each crooned word.

My throat caged his name. The pain fired along my nerve endings. Perverse, just the way he’d made me, I rocked my hips faster and chased the pulsing preludes to ecstasy.

“Are you trying to run away from me? Are you trying to get lost so I can’t find you?” Damian tipped his head up to break off tantalizing contact. I sensed his feral smile. I’m sure it would’ve frightened me if I could see it.

“I have to tell you something, Damian.”

His carnal kissing slowed. Warmth permeated each whispered word. “What is it? You can tell me anything.”

“This isn’t much fun anymore.”

I immediately twisted my wrists to try to slap my hands against my treacherous mouth.

Damian merely squeezed them brutally until I stopped.

“Kissing you like this isn’t fun anymore, Risa? Okay. I won’t do it again.”

“No! That’s not what I meant!”

“It better be what you meant because otherwise I will be very upset with you, Risa. Very. Very. Upset.”

“Damian…I…I…” My voice betrayed me, falling into silence and leaving me with only my thoughts to continue.

Damian, I just want you to love me. I can and will do anything for you if you just love me.

He cut through my stuttering. “You don’t like my control of you because you’re starting to feel ashamed. You’ve reasoned to yourself that if I loved you then what we do is okay. Otherwise, it isn’t. Have I summarized your feelings in a satisfactory manner?”

Damian was so cold. So very, very cold.

I’m going to lose him by telling the truth. Damian won’t need me anymore. He’ll replace me with someone else, someone else who won’t want his love.

Someone who isn’t me.

Tears seeped from beneath the satin ribbon. Panic ate into my self-control. The idea of Damian throwing me away because I failed...it was insupportable.

I love you more than even I can understand.

When he prompted me again, I did the only thing I knew how to do anymore. I gave myself over.

“Please punish me for being so disrespectful, Damian.”

One Month Earlier

The restaurant was one of a thousand slick, modern, and forgettable structures. The loud music, tiny tables, and outrageous prices passed for a typical dining experience in the city. However, the waitresses gliding by in black babydoll t-shirts with matching skirts and thigh-high stockings gave me a case of feminine envy.

Working here would be totally worth it if just for the uniform. I could totally rock that out especially with pigtails!

My fixation on the zipping shadows didn’t seem to escape Damian’s attention.

“Is that what you would prefer?”

“Girls? Oh, no! No. No.” I hemmed and hawed before explaining with a flurry of hands, “I just like their outfits.”

After shocking me in the hallway this morning, Damian asked me out and while I tried to play it cool and think about it, we both knew I was dying for the chance to say yes.

I couldn’t even begin to explain why I was so enthralled with this man. It went past my logic and settled deep on a cellular level. I just knew I felt thrown off-balance and blazingly alive anytime I was around Damian Black.

So I definitely did not want to mess this date up.

Damian regarded me from beneath a detached gaze. The clinical observation made me nervous. I replayed my answer but couldn’t find anything too odd with what I had said. Unable to take his silence any longer, I blurted out, “What?”

“That’s not what I asked.”

My stomach dropped. “Really? What did you then?”

Why is it every time I’m with him I devolve into an airhead? I spaced out and never even heard him.

“Before you got distracted by thigh highs, I asked if you would prefer honesty or if you would prefer to continue with the accepted mating ritual between men and women?”

I blinked, unsure of where Damian was going. “Honesty of course.”