My Love Forgive (7 page)

“Please don’t yell or scream once I leave.” He bent down and kissed me on the mouth very softly. “I don’t want to have to gag you.” Damian then walked out of the room and locked the door.

The utter finality of the sound of sliding metal tore down my last defense. I laid my head down on the luxurious pillows and cried.

I closed the door and locked it carefully behind me. Alone in the darkened corridor, I could hear the muted sounds of Risa’s sobs. Guilt pricked me for a moment before I ruthlessly tamped it down.

Her tears meant nothing if I could make her stay. And I knew I could do it. Risa’s feelings for me were the way into keeping her by my side. As long as she loved me, she’d never leave me.

Vaguely, I wondered if I was a monster. Shouldn’t I be more upset about my actions and, more importantly, her reaction?

Maybe, but I am who I am. I’m not about to change course. I’ll do whatever it takes to convince Risa that her place is by my side.

Not surprisingly, my confession did not soothe Risa or bring about her mega-watt smile. Admittedly, my timing was far from impeccable. The rejection rankled my pride for a moment. How could I have miscalculated things so badly?

Tonight Risa had practically begged for my lasting affection and once I gave it to her, she turned on me like a spitting cat. Ungrateful was the first word that came to mind to describe her. Stupid was the first word that came to mind to describe me.

Guilt had been easy to tamp down, to stomp out as if it never was. Pain wasn’t so easy. I stared at the door, hand hovering over the knob, debating whether I should go back in and at least hold her.

My hand fell into a fist. Nothing I could say would fix the wound I had inflicted.

I turned away from the woman who’d taken my heart. I strode away.

She needed to understand her place in my life and mine in hers. I would do
whatever
it took to make Risa understand this was as much out of control for me as it was for her.

One Month Earlier: Damian’s Apartment

“I think I should go home.”

“Why?”

“You need to see her off.” Risa’s breezy smile mutated into a grimace. She obviously felt discomfort at communicating any possible vulnerability.

I stepped closer. My mouth twitched when she took one in the same direction. “I want you to wait for me.”

“No. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” She’d just seen my ex-lover prostate herself at my feet. Understandably, Risa would be upset and uncomfortable. My inability to allow discretion and politeness to rule the day apparently irritated Risa if the flush on her cheeks was any indication. Predictably, she denied it with her quick grin and shrug.

“I don’t feel comfortable. That’s all.”

I knew it.

“This is regrettable for us all, Risa. I don’t want to let it ruin our evening though. I’ll take care of her and once that’s done we can continue.”

Risa avoided looking at the sniffling woman still hovering by my locked door. “You really are stunted,” she murmured softly.

My ego took a blow with that but what could I say? I definitely hadn’t been showing off my best side since I first spoke to Risa. Perhaps she was right. Maybe I
was
stunted—at least when it came to her.

Still, I didn’t want her to leave.

“Stay.”

She shook her head. “You should take her in and get her something to drink. Maybe something to eat too.”

“You don’t really want that.” My hard stare dared her to deny it. Too bad for me she ducked away.

“I do.” Risa reached out and smoothed the black lapel of my dress coat. “I’ll see you at the office tomorrow. Drop by…and I don’t know…make sure my file trees are properly organized.”

“They’re not. You have too many files with indistinct classifying names. Eventually it’s going to cause you a massive problem at an inconvenient time.” My fingers stopped her nervous petting. “You don’t really want to leave me alone with her. Why are you pretending otherwise?”

I know you’re scared, Risa. Don’t hide that from me.

“I’m not pretending.” She stood on tip-toe and pecked my cheek. “Do what you need to do.” Risa swallowed and fumbled with her words. “If things, uh, change or, uh, well, if you change your mind about, uh, seeing me then don’t worry about it. No hard feelings, okay?”

“I have to admit something, Risa.” I absolutely hated the wariness hiding behind her enthusiastic nod and salesman-worthy wattage smile. She should’ve never worn that look around me, not when I was being this civilized. “I can’t stand your ‘no hard feelings’ line.”

“Really? Why?” she cut in before I could answer. “I just want you to know that we can still be cool with one another if things don’t exactly work out.”

“For an Account Executive you give up so easily.”

“I do not!”

“Yes, you do.” I leaned over her and relished the thrill of physically overpowering Risa with my size alone. I’d never dated anyone this tiny in stature. I wondered how different it would be to bed her compared to the taller women I’d had in the past. “There’s no reason why we wouldn’t work out, little girl, so please refrain from giving me your conciliatory speeches.”

Risa huffed. “It’s called being nice, Damian. Something I highly recommend you look into. Really.”

I stopped her from walking away from me with one firm tug on her ponytail. “You don’t want nice. If you did, you would’ve punched me in the throat long before now.”

“Really?”

She thought I was joking. I was completely serious. “Really, really.”

“You’re so arrogant.”

“I’ll take that as truth.” I leaned down to whisper in her ear, “I really want you to wait for me.”

“As you do what?” Risa kept her voice as soft as mine.

She was thawing. This was good. “I’m going to walk Gretchen to her car and then I’m coming back to you so we can continue our evening.”

Her head tilted in consideration. I could see the battle raging between what she really wanted and what her pride dictated. I imagined Risa’s heart must be trying to step outside her chest for all her stillness belied.

She needed prodding and I was very good at that. “It’s not that difficult of a decision, is it? All you have to do is wait five minutes for me. That’s all.”

Just do what I say, Risa, and you won’t regret it.

“No, I’m just going to go home.”

I knew then I’d lost my connection to her. I didn’t have to turn around to know why.

“I’m ready to go back to my hotel, Damian, and I don’t feel up to driving.”

“Gretchen, I asked that you wait for me.” I realized my colossal mistake as soon as the terse words broke into being.

How could I say the same thing to her that I just said to Risa? Shit!

Risa withdrew inside herself, leaving me standing on the outside of her surface indifference. She birthed another lying smile and turned away with a snappy salute. “I’ll leave you two alone. Thanks for dinner. See you tomorrow at the office!”

“I’m sorry, Risa, for tonight.”

“It’s no biggie!” she said over her shoulder. Heels clacked away into silence, leaving me alone with my past.

“Nice girl. Is she why you left me?”

“No. I left you long before I ever met her and more importantly, I left you because it was time.” Gretchen’s anguished huff communicated the need for me to minimize her suffering. “I’m sorry for how things turned out. I really am.”

“Not sorry enough to keep from moving on.”

“No, not sorry enough to keep from moving on.” I waited for Risa to come back. We had taken my car and her apartment was 3.16 miles away from mine.

She can’t walk that far. Especially at night.

“I hate her.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do, Damian. I hate her for taking you away from me.”

I didn’t bother to deny her accusation. She would believe what she wanted and I wasn’t inclined to try to reason with her. Besides, it would only give her false hope.

“I hate you for moving all the way out here and taking the director’s position when you didn’t really have to.”

“My business dictates my actions, Gretchen. You know that.”

“Fine. I hate that it’s over between us and there’s nothing I can do.”

“I’m sorry for that as well, Gretchen.” My attention stayed fixed at the end of the breezeway. Not surprisingly, Risa was going to let her pride dictate her actions. Foolish girl. I was going to have curb that kind of behavior in the future.

“Does she know who you really are?”

“Of course not.”

“Does she know what you’re really like?”

“No. Then again, you don’t really know who I am either.” I didn’t mean for my statement to be unkind. It simply was the truth.

Gretchen inhaled sharply. “Maybe so, but you’re playing unfair with her. It might blow up in your face. I’ve seen it happen before.”

“Not with me.”

“No. I mean I’ve seen it happen to someone else.”

I willed Risa to come back to me. The still-empty breezeway proved my ineptitude. I shouldn’t have given into her pride. I should’ve tossed her over my shoulder and locked her up in my room.

But it’s too early for that. Much too early.

“Damian?”

Gretchen’s lyrical voice was beginning to grate on my nerves. “I heard you. That was someone else’s story. Not mine.”

“Maybe. You cannot manipulate someone into this kind of world, Damian. Into your world. You know better than that. You’re a charming bastard when you want to be. Use that charm and she’ll fall into your lap. She wants to—all you have to do is open up a bit.” Gretchen sniffled inelegantly. “Although why I’m telling you is anyone’s guess.”

A rare smile crossed my lips. “I appreciate your loyalty, Gretchen, even if it’s a bit coarse.”

She moved next to me and briefly touched my arm. “I’m sorry I came here. I can see now that it was a mistake. I really thought we were right for each other.”

Gretchen’s grief clung to me like a sour perfume. I stomached the sensations in favor of what we once shared. “So did I.”

“Then what changed?”

“I confused my affection for you with permanency. I was wrong.”

“If you just want to fuck her then do it. As long as you come back to me I really don’t care what you do.”

I knew how much it cost Gretchen to say those words. Intelligent, proud, and ruthless, she was my equal in every way but this.

“I would never do that to you. I don’t share and I’d never expect you to share either.”

“Then what do you want?” Gretchen’s pinched mouth and grooved brow begged for understanding.

“I just want her. Completely. I want to break her, dig out her imperfections, and remake Risa into who I know she can be.”

“I let you do that with me, Damian. I’ve never let anyone else do that—just so you know. I break men. I don’t let them break me and yet I let you do it.”

It’s not about letting me. I don’t want her to let me. I want to make Risa do it. I want to make her do it and I want her to love me all the more for it.

I sighed. It was a small, petty thing. “You’ve given me many beautiful memories, Gretchen, and I thank you for them.”

“You’re breaking my heart with your politeness. I’d rather you pulled me over your lap and spanked me until I screamed.”

I finally turned away expecting Risa to come back. I cupped Gretchen’s cheek. My tenderness brought her more sadness and I was very sorry for it. “You’re only playing on my side of the world, Gretchen. You were never meant to be mine.”

“You’re wrong. I was meant to be yours. I had to be…” her voice cracked. Her lashes swept down to hide the tears shimmering in her bruised gaze. “Why else would I feel this for you?”

“Because you let yourself do so. I was the safest option because some part of you always knew it would end like this.” I enfolded her in my arms. The delicate scent of her perfume reminded me of heirloom roses and happier times between us. “You could never be just mine. Not the way I want.”

Gretchen took a step back and squeezed her eyes shut. “I let you do everything you wanted with me. How could that not be enough?”

“What I’m looking for, what I see in Risa, isn’t the same as what we had.”

“Then what is it?”

I smiled at the grudging question. Gretchen’s curious intellect couldn’t be denied even in the midst of heartache. She would eventually see I’d done us both a huge favor in letting her go. Gretchen had the soul of a predator. Her time as prey with me would make the hunger sharper—especially now that she understood what it felt like to be devoured.

Gretchen’s business as a dominatrix was bound to benefit from her heartache. Eventually, she’d see this was all for the best. Gretchen Smith deserved all the happiness in the world and she deserved a man who’d see her the way I saw Risa.

As the final and most important challenge…

I brushed my fingers across her patrician cheekbone, suddenly feeling my emotions soften with nostalgia and appreciation for having this beautiful creature’s devotion for as long as I did.

Goodbye, my sweet fairy.

“What is it? It’s something I don’t even fully understand. All I know is that by doing this with her, by suffering for her, I’ll finally find my purpose.”

“Which is?”

My tone reflected hers—afraid and bemused.

“To love only her.”

Damian left me alone for the rest of the night but appeared as soon as it became light enough to qualify for morning.

I startled awake as soon as the heavy door opened. I pushed myself up against the headboard, mouth shut and wary eyes fixated on him. Bare-chested, Damian had on the same pair of dress slacks he’d worn the night before. Knowing how fastidious he was about his clothing, I hoped it meant he was not completely at ease with the situation as he appeared to be.

I hope he feels bad. I hope he fucking chokes on it.

Damian balanced a silver tray with one hand and carried a tall glass in the other. The food captured my attention completely. My stomach growled loudly.

“I won’t ask if you slept well last night. I will ask if you’d like to go to the bathroom first or if you’d like to eat first.”