My Blue River (21 page)

Honesty won.

“Jack, it’s not just you. I haven’t been very nice or honest for that matter. I don’t know how to explain it. I just…let me just say, I would never want to hurt you and I really do consider you a friend. You have made my time in Blue River…enjoyable. I never anticipated I would survive a single moment of life here. You’ve made that happen, Jack. You.” I pointed one finger at him like a dart hitting a bull’s-eye. I then surprised myself by saying, “Honestly, I do feel more than friendship for you, but it just can’t happen.”

He offered a strangled smile seemingly unsurprised by my confession. Jack was no fool. He knew what I felt, but he also knew that once I committed to a decision it was nearly written in stone. His expression seemed conflicted between wanting to say more or letting it go—letting ME go. Although my heart sunk there were no words passed “friendship.”

I didn’t know what else to say or do so I simply suggested, “I should take some pictures.”

I moved slowly along the edge, snapping photo after photo. I became so focused on my photography that I tripped on a rock, lost my footing and nearly tumbled over the edge. I was stumbling, yelling profanities, and reaching for any branch that my grappling hands could find. Jack was immediately at my side, pulling me from the cliff’s edge quicker than I could have imagined possible. I never could have moved that fast had the tables been turned.

“Are you okay? You scared me! You were too close to the edge!” He was panting from the adrenaline rush.

I was just as breathless as I uttered, “Yeah, yeah, I am. Thanks for saving me.” I caught my breath and went on, “Guess you shouldn’t leave me alone.”

Jack gave a nervous chuckle but his face became very serious. “I would love nothing more than to never leave you alone, Addy.” His words were clear and direct and he meant each one.

He was holding my hands, pulling me away from the edge of the falls while metaphorically, pulling me to a new edge. He stopped walking, but I kept closing the distance between us. Something about this near-death experience was making me realize I really wanted at least one kiss from Jackson Cooper before I left Blue River. I wanted it before I left the top of this peak.

I regained my composure even though my heart still beat quickly. My steps finally filled the gap and we were standing very close to one another when I said, “Jack.” My voice sounded so adult and so sultry I shocked myself, but I liked it.

“Addy.” His reply told me he liked it, too.

“I almost died, Jack. Shouldn’t you want to hold me and comfort me or something?” I shocked myself again but there was no stopping me now. I had spent so much time on the friendship argument that I was exhausted of it. Maybe it was the altitude and my head wasn’t clear and in the morning, I would regret it, but right now, I wanted to kiss him. I also knew it didn’t mean I would be his girlfriend, but I wanted nothing more than to be close to him, touch him, and feel his lips on mine. I simply could no longer deny how I felt.

“You know how I feel, Addy.” He took a couple steps away from me.

This really isn’t the moment I want him to honor my wishes.

“Addy, you amaze and fascinate me and it’s not just because you’re not from Blue River, Montana. It’s because you’re you…you’re smart, funny, pretty…I even love your little sarcastic attitude. I love our banter. You excite me. You make me laugh. You make me
think
. You’re...
it
for me.”

I wanted to say, “Jack, you’re rambling,” but I couldn’t say anything other than, “And?”

Jack brought those two steps back to me and professed, “And you’re the one I want.” His voice cracked a bit on those last words. It was a sweet reminder of his youth.
Now, if someone would just remind me of my youth that would be great
,
because at this moment, I feel very much like a woman and know with certainty my next move.

I placed one finger on his lips, smiled and grabbed his hands, pulling him closer to me. We couldn’t have been any closer. I pulled his arms until they wrapped around my waist. I could feel him clasp his fingers behind my back. His eyes looked uncertain as they searched mine.

I smiled. “Hey, Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

A broad smile stole his lips. I knew he was as excited as I was and yet he very gingerly and patiently brought his lips to mine. His kiss was slow and gentle at first, until I pulled his body closer to mine, if that were possible. It was as though my actions were the answer he needed to an unasked question. Jack’s kiss was more sensual than I had ever experienced. I had kissed a few toads and knew Jack was truly the prince. We held each other desperately. I could feel the heat of his body as he ran his hands up my back, stopping at my hair, then pulled away, moving his hands to hold my face as gently as fine China. He searched my face—hoping for an answer I knew I wouldn’t be able to give.
Would this lead to the relationship he had been hoping for?
But I just wanted to live this moment. Our chests were rising and falling in excitement until our eyes locked and searched each other’s expressions. We again found each other’s lips.

I had found not one, but two falls today and just as the mountain’s water couldn’t stop itself from spilling over the cliff’s edge, I couldn’t help but spill over with desire for Jack. Also like the waterfall, there was no going back. I had jumped off the edge I had been balancing on for so long. I had just needed a little nudge to realize I had already fallen for Jack.

********

Jack’s Journal

Sunday, October 24

Hiking was everything I wanted it to be today. I took Addy to see the falls at Castle Peak. I got more than I bargained for, but all that I had hoped for. I think Addy fell for me. In fact, I know she did. She can’t deny it now. It had to be divine intervention that nearly threw her over the cliff’s edge; otherwise, I’m not sure she would have ended up in my arms today, and I don’t think our lips would have found one another’s. She tempted me and she knew it, but I never would have kissed her if she hadn’t told me to. As of today, I am all for a woman telling a man exactly what she wants! When Addy said, “Shut up and kiss me” I had to count to five in my head or I probably would have kissed her too quickly and too hard and I really wanted our first kiss to be special. Actually, I wondered if I ever would get a first kiss from her! But I loved every moment. She is so completely amazing and everything I will ever want. I can’t let her leave Blue River. Please God, give me the wisdom to productively use the next ten months to change her mind! I know we shared more than just a first kiss. It’s the start of something real.

19. Cold as Ice

I pulled my comforter up and snuggled it to my chin.
I’ve never felt this cold!
I shivered and my eyes popped open. I hopped out of bed, pulling my comforter along with me, and shuffled to the window. I rubbed away the frost with the palm of my hand in the center of the window to reveal the outdoors. The ground was blanketed with snow—more than I had ever seen in my entire life. For half a second, I forgot how cold I felt then shivered again. The snow was thick and parts of the yard was covered with drifts. As the sun touched the snow, it sparkled like a trillion tiny diamonds. Excitement came over me. Jack had been talking for weeks about going downhill skiing and this much snow had to mean we were close to doing that.

It had been a month since our kiss at Castle Peak Falls and we were yet to talk about where our relationship now stood. For a while, I tried to tell myself that it was just a kiss and would never lead to anything more, but the only person I wanted in my life was Jack. Even though he also hadn’t said anything about the kiss, he didn’t date anyone else and spent every waking moment with me. It seemed to be an unnecessary conversation. Every kiss we shared since the falls had been short and less passionate but I knew this was real.
Why should we put a label on our relationship?

When the house phone rang I opened my bedroom door and yelled down the stairs, “I got it!” These days it was usually for me and it was usually Jack. To my surprise, on this day, it was Sheridan.

“Sheridan! What a surprise!” I exclaimed. The excitement of the snowy weather and impending ski trip overflowed into this moment.

“I know. I haven’t talked to you in forever. Did your cell die or something? I can never reach you!”

“No. Sorry. I’ve been super busy. What’s up?”

“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

“You know me. I like fairy-tale, happy endings so the good news comes last.”

“I can’t come for spring break.”

My heart sunk. “What? Why?” I had been so excited to show Sheridan off to my new friends, even though I suspected they wouldn’t be the best fit. Realistically, Sheridan wouldn’t leave Blue River with any pen pals.

“My parents want to take me to Europe since it’s my last year in high school.” I felt a twinge of jealousy.
Europe!
My parents could afford a trip like that, but they would never do it. They would deem that unnecessary at this point in my life.

“Well, this sucks. The good news had better be really, really good news.”

“It is. I can come for winter break if your parents say it is okay.”

My heart rose from the sinking. “Awesome! I’m sure they’ll be fine with it. I’ll call you tonight and we can make plans.”

As expected, my parents didn’t have a problem with Sheridan coming for winter break. I called her that night and we began to strategize. She would arrive just as winter break began. She was ecstatic because this trip meant she needed to shop for not only winter clothes, but an entire ski outfit. For a family like Sheridan’s, money was no object so buying ski gear that would most likely never be used again was no big deal. After I talked to Sheridan, I called Jack to ask how he felt about the ski trip being the third weekend in December.

He responded, “It doesn’t matter when or where we ski, as long as I’m with you.”

While Mother Nature spent the next few weeks dumping white, fluffy snow on Blue River, I spent the next few weeks prattling on about Sheridan. Somehow her upcoming visit was causing me to forget my revelation that some of Sheridan’s personality traits were less than appealing. For some reason I still idolized her. I kept telling Jack how amazing Sheridan was and how much I envied her confidence and beauty. She was funny and smart. He would just nod and say, “You’re all those things and more.” I would respond with a flat, “Yeah, right.”

After what seemed like an endless amount of time, Thanksgiving finally arrived. Jack and I spent most of our time together and today was no exception. We plotted a way to have our families spend the holiday together. I suspected they knew what we were up to but no one objected. I loved how well our families got along. I even pictured how completely easy it would be to have the Davis and Cooper families as in-laws. I smiled at the thought then scolded myself because it would probably not be in my future. We ate until our bodies insisted we stop. Jack decided being active was the solution to our problem so we donned our snow gear and rode snowmobiles. The cold wind blew the locks of hair below my hat and I still couldn’t believe I was riding on a snowmobile in Po-dunk Montana with the greatest guy in the world.

We stopped for a snowball fight, which led to our bodies falling to the ground, laying juxtaposition to one another’s. The heat our bodies began to create from the passionate kisses could have melted snow for a three mile radius.
Finally, another passionate kiss!

“You’re making me sweat,” Jack whispered breathlessly in my ear.

“It’s all the snow gear,” I whispered back, equally breathless, but shockingly logical.

“No, it’s you. You drive me crazy you know.”

“Crazy in a good way?”

“Oh yeah—in a good way.”

His lips found mine and we resumed our passionate winter kiss. When my back felt cold as ice, I could no longer deny that I wasn’t lying in a bed of cotton balls.

“We should probably go back now,” I suggested.

Jack let out a heavy sigh, knowing I was right. I assumed he felt it was in the “man code” to object. “No, let’s stay,” he suggested as he nibbled on my neck. Through his busy lips he mumbled, “One more minute?”

“If we stay one more minute, I’ll be frozen solid.”

“The exchange of body heat is the best remedy for that you know.” His warm breath made me shudder.

“Now
you’re
driving
me
crazy.” I wanted to respond to his request to stay, but broke away. “Okay, seriously, we should go. I don’t want to deal with my mom’s inquisition.”

After another heavy sigh, Jack admitted, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

It didn’t take long to arrive back at my house and once we did, we discovered our families didn’t wait for us to have dessert. It was a plan that worked to our advantage. This way Jack and I enjoyed dessert alone in the kitchen at the breakfast bar. As I dished up the pie, we heard his parents dismiss themselves for the evening.

“So, have you enjoyed your first white Thanksgiving?” asked Jack.

“I have actually. I never thought I would like snow, or snowmobiles, or hats that make my hair look like crap.”

He laughed at my vanity. “Wait until you try downhill skiing. You’ll love it.”

“I’m excited, almost as excited as seeing Sheridan.”

“You definitely sound like good friends.”

“Oh yeah, we’ve known each other for a long time. She knows everything about me. She is so…amazing…I guess that’s the word. Like I’ve been saying, she’s everything I’d like to be.”

“Hmm.”

“Why the skeptical “hmm?”

“I just have a feeling you’re wrong because I like you just the way you are. I can’t imagine Sheridan is anything as close to the amazing that you are.”

“That’s sweet, Jack. Thanks, but you’ll meet Sheridan and wish I was her.”

“Addy. Stop. You have nothing to worry about. By the way, are you excited to introduce her to your boyfriend?” My head snapped up. My eyes met his gaze. I felt my face flush cherry red and my heart beat faster. We hadn’t used the words boyfriend or girlfriend to describe our relationship. I stammered. It was an exciting thought—my boyfriend, Jack—but it was also a bit nerve-wracking. My mind flashed forward to August and I tried to picture leaving him. I had so effectively dismissed that thought until this moment. I shook my head from the unpleasant reverie.

“Uh—I—uh,” My delayed response raised suspicion on his part.

“You
are
my girlfriend, right, Addy?”

“Well—we—uh—we’ve not really discussed that, I guess. I thought we were
casual
but
committed
.”

“Excuse me?
Casual but committed
? What does that mean? We are anything but casual, don’t you think?” His eyes narrowed with a touch of irritation. “I consider you my girlfriend. Don’t you consider me your boyfriend?”

“I’m reluctant to say
boyfriend
.” I couldn’t look up. It was impossible to meet his eyes because I knew he would look hurt or angry or somehow, a combination of both.

He threw his fork to his pumpkin pie, piercing it through the heart like an Elk in hunting season. I had apparently just done the same thing to him.
Okay. He’s definitely not happy with my response.

I finally forced myself to face him. “Jack, come on. Be realistic. We can’t have a serious relationship. I mean, after all, I’m still leaving this summer. Let’s just enjoy what we have and quit trying to label it.” I turned back to continue eating my pie, as if that would somehow make this conversation go away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his jaw flex. He bit his lower lip to resists what he really wanted to say.

Finally, he spoke. “I see. I didn’t know we were dating other people.” He paused, staring intently at me. In my mind I was thinking, “Hell no! You’re not dating anyone but me!” But when my expression added nothing else to the conversation, he stood and put his hands on his hips. “I have poured my heart out to you, Addy. Remember that day at the top of Castle Peak Falls when we shared our first kiss? I thought you felt the same way.” He pushed the pie plate away and stepped away from the breakfast bar.

“Jack, I do feel the same way and I’m not dating anyone else, seriously! You know that you’re the only guy I want to be with.” I stood and reached for him but he took a step back. He was hurt and angry and I was certain I had caused him some confusion.
Even I’m confused!

“Then why are we not boyfriend and girlfriend? Am I missing something here?”

“No, no…Jack, I just…can’t we please just continue things the way they are?” I walked closer to him and his body language relaxed. He didn’t resist my touch. “I mean, it
is
good, right? We
are
having fun, right?” I tried to give him an adorable look, to which he responded with a lopsided smile. He looked to the ceiling and let out a heavy sigh as he pulled me to his chest.

“Yeah, we’re good. I just want to know I have you to myself. It scares me that you don’t want to call me your boyfriend.” He kissed my forehead.

I peered up at him. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not committed or faithful, I just know it’s going to be hard enough when I leave. I don’t want to say I left my
boyfriend
in Montana. Especially since it’s you.”

“Then don’t leave. Stay with me,” he chuckled knowing his plea was futile.

This time I gave him a lopsided smile. “You know I have to leave. I’ve already applied to every college there is in California and not to sound arrogant, but I’m bound to get accepted to at least one of them, if not all of them.”

Our eyes met. We both knew it had to be this way and agreed to enjoy the months that lie ahead of us. The kitchen wasn’t really an environment that lent itself to romance, so we settled for a long embrace. I walked him to the front door, where under my father’s scrutinizing eyes Jack blushed as he gave me a peck on the cheek. It was good the so-called labeling of our relationship had finally been settled.

********

Jack’s Journal

Thursday, November 25

Thanksgiving

Well, news to me today: Addy thinks if we say we are boyfriend and girlfriend, we’re labeling ourselves and that is somehow a bad thing and somehow it will make it easier when she leaves for college. Is this a California thing?