My Blue River (54 page)

As I scanned the yard, I saw an archway covered in ivy and red roses. I walked over to the garden and slowly walked through the archway. It led to a beautiful rose garden, complete with a gazebo, bird baths, and fountains. It was stunning, even larger than the one at my parent’s house. I thought for a fraction of a second it had been designed with me in mind. It was exactly like the garden I had so often dreamed about, a vision I had shared with Jack. I thought for sure I would find him there but I was wrong. He wasn’t in the garden, and as much as I wanted to linger in that beautiful place, I left and returned to the top of the embankment that overlooked Blue River. I saw a man standing by the river’s edge. Despite the distance between us, I knew immediately that man was Jack. My heart skipped a beat.

I found a path that led to the river made out of large, flat slabs of rock. Holding my box tightly to my chest, I followed the path until I was at the edge of the beach, where grass meets the sand. Baxter came bounding out of a bush and rattled my last nerve. Just forty feet away from me stood Jack. He tossed a ball into the river and Baxter ran in after it, returning it to Jack’s hand. If I hadn’t known better, I could have sworn his dog was smiling at him.

"Good boy, Baxter.” Jack patted his beloved dog’s head.

Jack was wearing tan cargo shorts, a dark blue t-shirt, and brown, leather flip-flops. The sunset was casting an interesting hue to what was either the beginning or the end of the Jack and Addy saga.

I took two steps and kicked off my flip-flops. I wiggled my toes in the warm summer sand, knowing it may be the last time I ever stepped one foot on my Montana beach. I walked closer.

I took one last breath for strength. I let it out and hollered, “I went to a wedding today!”

His hand stopped in midair. He knew my voice; he knew it was me. He turned around so slowly he looked as though he were moving in slow motion. When he was finally facing me, his expression was that of pure shock.

“My attendance didn’t go over very well,” I took several steps forward.

“Really? Why’s that?” The touch of sarcasm he added actually amused me. He took so many larger steps forward that we were now probably twenty feet apart.
Then again, Jack always said I wasn’t very good with understanding distance.

“Well, it appears that a crazy woman running down the aisle of a church during a wedding ceremony, yelling,
No! Stop!
does tend to disrupt things a bit.”

He couldn’t help it; he laughed out loud. He smiled as he shook his head at my insanity.

“Did I mention that I face planted after tripping on my own two feet?” I added.

He threw his head back and laughed even harder. I could tell he was picturing the whole scene in his mind.

This was my moment. I continued. “I came here to give you something Jackson Cooper.” I held up the box and walked forward. I sunk to the ground, opened the box, looked over to him, and began my impromptu speech.

I began, “I know you may think I’m insensitive and that I’ve never cared as much about our relationship as you, but I’m here to show you different.” I took in a deep breath in through my nose then released it from my mouth and said, “See this?” I held up a small, river rock. “This is a rock from our first day at this very beach.” He didn’t flinch. He was going to make this hard on me so I continued to pull items from the box.

“…and here are the earrings you had made for my eighteenth birthday and the necklace that matches them. You gave me the necklace on Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t even wear these because the thought of losing one was too devastating. Here’s a lift ticket from the first time you took me skiing, a scrapbook of every photo I’ve ever taken of you, the mix CD you made me of your original songs—songs that were all about me—the flip book I made from photos of you serenading me, pressed flowers from every time you brought me roses, my dried prom corsage—look,” I held up the corsage for him to see. “It’s dry and it’s brittle, but it’s still in one piece. I took care of it, Jack. I handled it with care.” My voice cracked as I reflected on how that was Jack’s exact metaphor at our senior prom.

I paused but he still said nothing.

“And here’s the guitar pick from the night you gave me a guitar lesson.” I gave air quotes to the word lesson.

That was the night we nearly made love; it was our last night together before I left for my freshman year of college. That one caused him to move several more paces forward. As I glanced in his direction, I caught him grinning. I choked the next words past the lump in my throat. My eyes began to swell with tears.

“…and the necklace you made…” my bottom lip quivered, “The silver eternal circle that symbolized you would love me forever…JLA…remember this, Jack?” I held it up.

As the tears fell from my eyes, I swiped them away, clearing the view of a man who stared at me through misty eyes. I stood and walked toward him, making us only five feet apart.

My voice quivered but I was determined to finish what I started. “And this is a letter.”

I held up the pink envelope that contained the letter I had written to him after we broke up during winter break. The tears were now a full-on stream but I refused to stop. “I wrote you this letter after you said you had reached your breaking point. I told you in this letter I would move back to Montana after I graduated but I got your letter first and you told me you had let me go. Then I got scared and when I found you with Hannah in the hospital room, I convinced myself that she was better for you, but I was wrong. I’m what’s best for you and if I can’t get you back today the pain of losing you will haunt me for the rest of my life. I’ll never forgive myself for not mailing this letter.” I paused. The envelope flapped from my shaky grip.

Still, he said nothing so I continued.

“I know I don’t deserve you, Jack. I haven’t handled our relationship with any degree of the maturity and respect it deserved. But I’m here now and I’m here to tell you, I love you. I LOVE YOU, JACKSON COOPER! I love Blue River and I’ll stay here with you forever! I’ll get a Western Apparel frequent shopper punch card. I’ll work register four of Brody’s Supermarket. I want to have little Jacks and little Addies!” I screamed the words for all of Blue River to hear.

I let out an exhausted breath. Tonight, here at the river's edge, I had stripped my soul naked; tonight, there was nothing hidden from him. My intentions for being here were pure and clear but our future would now be determined by his next move.

He looked down and was shaking his head—I didn’t know if it meant “no” or if he was shaking his head in disbelief.
Please end my misery and tell me my fate!

His silence was killing me so I continued to plead my case. “Jack, you were right about my not taking a chance and going over the edge with you. Your love falls over me like an endless flow from a waterfall and I want to do the same for you. I’m ready to take that ride of a life-time.”

His head snapped up but he still didn’t say anything. My heart sunk as it suddenly hit me that I had waited too long with an overdue message. I stood waiting for a response that wasn’t coming. After what seemed like an eternity, I walked back and dropped to the ground, placing each item back into the box, put the lid on it and stood to accept the rejection.

When I turned to face him, I saw he had walked closer to me. I wiped away my tears and held out the box. “Here, I want to give this to you. I can’t keep it anymore.” My last words were swallowed by a sob but I vowed not to cry; there was nothing left in me. Today, I had cried enough tears to make my own Blue River.

I continued to hold out the box while taking two steps forward. I bit my bottom lip in an effort to keep away my trembles. I would try to leave with a tiny bit of dignity. I had come here with one goal in mind—to win back Jack’s love. I tried but failed.
It's time for me to leave.

He looked up and stared intently into my eyes. He looked backed down and quickly swiped a tear from his cheek, which further broke my heart.

When he looked back up, he said, “Fine. I’ll take the box, but only if you take something from me.”

“What would that be, Jack?” My entire body trembled.

He closed the gap between us, held my face in his hands and whispered, “My last name.”

About the Author

Leslie (Jackson) Trammell was born and raised in Montana. She graduated from the University of Nevada Las Vegas with a Bachelor’s degree in psychology and is currently pursuing her Master’s degree in Clinical Professional Counseling from Grand Canyon University.  She loves to cook—hates to clean.  When she’s not studying or running carpools, she loves spending time with her family swimming, playing games, camping, playing on the beaches of California, and having fun at Disneyland. She is currently living in Las Vegas, Nevada with her husband, Lane, of over 21 years, their three daughters, (Hannah, Emily, and Abby) their cat named, Kitty, and their dog named Zoey.  This is her first novel.

Stay tuned for a sequel.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to my early readers who offered helpful input, ideas, editing, constructive criticism, and massive amounts of support (in no particular order): Whitney Bird, Hannah Trammell, Lara Henry, Carmen Kennedy, Sara Shropshire, Kelly Lawrence, Kira Lawrence, Terri Thompson, Kyanne Phelps, Adaire Baltzer, Carol Monson, Tricia Silva, Gina Alder, Laurie Henthorne, Dustin Mortimer, Brittany McCann, Kristen Monson, Mandy Hubbell, Loralie Rogers Schroedel, Kathy Fields, Mitch Higgins, Camryn Simper, Emily Trammell, and Kari Rowen.